The online diary of a gay courtesan.

My ongoing process

I recently took a six-month hiatus for several reasons simultaneously. The RentBoy raid completely interrupted my practice (just when flights and hotels suddenly got more expensive again). I’m the executor of my grandmother’s estate (and none of the beneficiaries cooperate). I needed time away to recenter and recover from burnout. I thought I’d found an amazing situation (but even though he hired many male/female/transgender workers over the years and said he was fine with my career, he was not). I tried to change everything about myself in a futile effort to please him, had a nervous breakdown over his pressuring me constantly about money (even though he was the reason I wasn’t making any), attempted suicide out of fear of becoming homeless, had to be hospitalized, and spent the last few weeks recovering. I’m much better now, so please don’t fret. This is just sharing information, not crying out for help. xoxo

Yes, I’d been planning to transition GRADUALLY away from escorting as I maintained Anteros Media, built a fitness business, and looked at options for becoming a CNA. However, I never meant to suddenly abandon my career the shambolic way I did in December. That decision was made under pressure. Now I’m picking up where I’d originally intended to be in the first place: On a course toward multiple streams of income, while happily and casually feeling out which options to pursue. On my birthday this year, I’m going to renew my wedding vows to myself from 2012. I honored them faithfully for 3 1/2 years, so these last 6 months are utterly humiliating.

Screen Shot 2015-06-05 at 11.24.25 AMAlso, I’ve been an adult entertainer for nearly 20 years, and it’s part of who I am when I’m happy and doing what I want to do. The selfies here represent where I was exactly a year ago. I’m hardly different physically from then, but I’d like to add a tiny bit of mass back on. It gives me a fitness goal to focus on. I’m doing the workout used by the actors in the movie 300.

I know this is a stark message, but this is the way I’ve always spoken on my blog, in interviews, on forums and social media, and in other places. I don’t like to keep secrets, because I don’t like people being able to hold my emotions ransom. Often, people tell me I make myself too vulnerable by sharing my weaknesses or faults; however, I find it liberating for its own reasons, despite the risk. Perhaps this post has been off-putting, but I just wanted to clarify that yes, I’ve reworked my previous blog post to reflect my current situation; yes, I’ve re-activated my Rent Men ad as of an hour ago; and, yes I’m again seeing clients (but minimizing the constant travel until I can figure out this post-RentBoy world, and to give myself time to develop my other ideas).

June 6, 2016   10 Comments

The beginning of the end

Many years ago now (it’s so strange to say that, but this blog is nearly 10 years old) I began a journey. 2007-2009 I went back to dancing in clubs after being in an abusive relationship wherein I was defrauded for $100k. In 2009 I did some videos, both to launch my escorting career and to learn how the scenes were produced, didn’t like how they were made, and decided I could do better content. In 2010 I did more videos to see how other companies worked, didn’t like their processes either, experienced some bad flame wars, and decided I could do better interactions. So I began developing my own media company, got it incorporated and funded, and in 2011 began shooting videos for it. In 2012 I married myself on my 36th birthday and launched the site the same day. The company faltered due to my lack of PR experience and PR resources, so I immediately took it down. From 2013-2014 I wandered rather aimlessly without a sense of specific direction. In 2015 people began approaching me about the material I’d created, and a rebranding phase began. Now it is 2016, and the site has been relaunched with better design, interface, and publicity.

It is time to begin my transition (though I do still need to finish the 13-part series I began). I am primarily seeing clients within driving distance (though I’m happy to travel further afield to people who specifically want me to see them), but I’m going to greatly reduce my itinerary travel. My escorting practice was greatly hampered by the Rentboy raid (though I am happy that all charges have been dropped against my friends who were arrested during that ridiculous debacle), and I’m not sure how to reinvent my escorting career. I accomplished what I set out to do as an escort: I paid off my fraud debt and many other debts, created stability for myself, and amassed some savings/investments. I will keep this blog open and active for a very long time, because I think the information is helpful (though it will become more and more dated). I suppose it will continue to have value as a time capsule. So anyway, it’s time to reduce escorting, and I don’t envision blogging with any regularity. It’s been years since I stopped regularly updating the blog anyway.

I’ve been in adult entertainment since 1998, and although I no longer wish to dance in clubs or appear in scenes, I do hope my site finds its legs and runs this time (we were too far ahead of the creative curve in 2012 – perhaps people have caught up with us finally?). I look forward to what I anticipate being the final phase of my entertainment career: Director/Producer. And if the site doesn’t work out again? Well, then it’s time to do something entirely different. I have a fitness and wellness company in mind to create. If that plan doesn’t work either? It will be time to look at my life experiences and skills, and go do something absolutely outside my comfort zone. That would be scary, but still doable.

I’m not mentioning my media company by name, because I don’t want my blog to compete with the video site in Google search results; however, you can link to it by clicking the butterfly logo on this post. You can also get to the site from any other page on this blog by clicking the green butterfly button at the top of the right column. And if you want to know more, just ask.

February 23, 2016   2 Comments

Happy birthday, gramma

imgresToday is the first time that I don’t need to call gramma to wish her a happy birthday and happy anniversary (she married grampa on her 20th birthday). It takes some getting used to.

September 11, 2015   1 Comment

My return to the light

201-giverny I just got back last night from a week-long trip to France. I revisited a few favorite spots, but most of the trip focused on places that were new to me. I finally visited Giverny, Fourges, and Versailles (all of which have been on my bucket list for a very long time, and they’re all superlative); I revisited Montmartre and Sacré Coeur, but that same day I finally got to spend several hours at Le Musée d’Orsay; Thursday was eight hours at Le Musée du Louvre (I could live there…); the next day I revisited La Sainte Chapelle (which is even more beautiful than it already was, now that the windows have been cleaned and restored) and Notre Dame, and finally got to see La Concièrgérie; and Saturday was a day trip to the Loire Valley, near where I used to live in Tours (seeing Chambord again was great, and Nitray was cute, but my first visit to Chenonceau was just splendid).

giverny-lagoa-de-jardim-com-floresBut more important than the trip itself (which I absolutely loved), is the fact that I finally, finally, finally had an emotional breakthrough. The last year has been a wretched one. Period. Point blank. It started last September and was unrelenting. Death, death, death, death, death, death, death, family chaos, career transition woes, 39th birthday foreshadowing the abyss of “40,” news about my cholesterol (and my decision to refuse taking statins to treat it), and then a three-month stint with a vegan diet (which I absolutely cannot recommend: I’m certain this led to hormone imbalances that set me up for the worst bout of depression I’ve had in a decade). Then a series of terrible therapy sessions reopened old wounds that made everything worse. I had to remove myself from participating in social media, because the headlines (and people’s replies to them) were just too disturbing. Out of nowhere Rentboy was raided. It was long in digging, but suddenly I fell over into the well. I was drowning. I stopped working altogether, and I stopped taking care of myself. I was convinced I was dying of grief, and I even had all my estate planning rushed through. What should’ve taken 10 weeks took only 10 days, because I wanted it handled before I left for France. I sincerely thought I was going to simply puff out like an exhausted candle. It was a bad time, and I was utterly frazzled when I departed for this visit to France.

.Castle_of_the_Crystal_-_DarkCastle_of_the_Crystal_-_PureAnd then something wonderful happened: I was exploring Giverny, I was surrounded by all the beauty of that place, and I was overcome with a sense of awe. If you’ve never watched “The Dark Crystal,” you won’t understand this next reference. But if you’ve seen it, I felt like the castle at the end of the movie. All the darkness, decay, and filth simply started sloughing off in chunks, and I was erupting with light. I hadn’t felt so authentically happy in so long, that I’d forgotten how good it feels to feel good. All the colors, textures, sounds, and smells of the world came pouring into me, and I was radiating it like a white laser beam. I was enraptured by the lily pond. Transcended away. Suddenly all the noes that had been obstructing me didn’t matter. All the yeses crowded them out. For weeks I hadn’t been able to take full breaths. It was like a rope around my lungs was preventing me from getting past 90%, and it felt like it snapped open. Getting a 100% full breath was like floating. I cannot say enough how happy, relieved, grateful, and pleased I am to be back to myself. I’ve had a long process of examining mortality, but what I finally remembered is that I’m not done yet. There’s so much living to do, and I don’t want to lose any more time in obsessively contemplating the inevitable. And if I do find myself in the clearing at the end of the path (thanks for that turn of phrase, Stephen King), I know my affairs here are already in order, and that I did a pretty damn good job of being me.

(Edit: I am reminded that, yet again, Janet Jackson is releasing an album right when I needed it most… Can you imagine a better album for her to put out right now than “Unbreakable?” I love that woman so much.)

September 7, 2015   2 Comments

Part 10 of 13: Legalities (Rentboy Raid)

rent2Return to “Establishing a Career in Adult Entertainment: Index”

A few hours ago, Federal Agents raided the offices at Rentboy. I was trying to figure out how to talk about this entry, having just done Part 9 of 13: STDs only a few days ago. Part of what I mentioned in Part 9 of 13 is risk tolerance and risk reduction. I knew I would have to address risk again in this entry, but I didn’t realize it would be under these circumstances. I personally know some of the people named in the indictment, and I am appalled. These are people who have invested in helping escorts to work safely, and who have started a program to give assistance to escorts needing help paying for school. I have known Hawk since 1999, and he is one of the most singularly kind, intelligent, daring, brave, accepting, and creative people I have ever met. He is amongst the people I met during my graduate school days who struck me as being a genius. I sincerely hope they all will be okay, but I am thinking especially about my friend. Here is a response from an attorney in Florida about the situation.

This is infuriating. Actions like this do nothing to undermine human traffickers, and they do nothing to “rescue” anyone. What I see is the individual agency of private citizens being undermined in an absurd attempt to score PR points. With everything else happening in the world, THIS is what gets attention, energy, and human resources? I feel like I’ve never not been criminalized just for being alive. When I was young it was the sodomy laws that essentially made it illegal for me to be gay. Then it was the convoluted laws creating opportunities for the authorities to attack me for dancing in clubs. Now this. How can anyone equate “right,” “fair,” “legal,” and “just” when none of them have anything to do with each other?

I had been trying to figure out how to say this, but at the moment I think being blunt would be best: As of 2015, you have no rights or protections as an adult entertainer. Taadaaaah! Know this going forward: The best way to avoid legal problems is to not get caught in the first place. There is a reason I have vetted hard. There is a reason I have made myself difficult to meet. There is a reason I am very quick to stop responding when I even think there might be red flags. There is no situation that cannot be made worse by involving the police. They are not your friends, and they are not on your side. As much as possible, avoid getting their attention (unless you are an activist, and specifically want to make a point).

I’m not a lawyer, so I cannot give you sound advice. Also, there’d be no point in my trying to do so, because every jurisdiction is different. Your state or country will be different from mine, so there’s nothing I can offer except, “pay attention.”

Before you decide to go forward as an adult entertainer, you have to accept that you will be marginalized in practically every way you can think of (and some ways you cannot). If you are caught, you will be at the mercy of whichever institution has detained you. This entry is short (and probably not very practically helpful by comparison), but there really isn’t much to say. In fact, that is the best idea in this: Say nothing until your lawyer is present. If possible, try to put some money on retainer with an attorney who specializes in criminal defense.

August 25, 2015   2 Comments