The online diary of a gay courtesan.

I went for lunch and a walk in the park today, because for the third day in a row it would be spiritually negligent to not. It is so pretty here lately – it’s hard to believe there was snow on the ground a week ago. The trees and flowers are putting out buds; the clover is bright green, with little purple pin-striped blooms; and I even saw my first massive bee of the season. The bees look so plump and lazy, the way they bumble around in the air like zeppelins - I think they’re marvelous. Bumble bees make me smile. They’re so clumsy and endearing.

I went to lunch with a new acquaintance, and we talked about all the light stuff: Religion, career, school, and family. You know, the easy stuff. HA! We went for a walk while our bellies were still full, and he asked me more questions about work. He finally came around to the question that I knew he was wanting to ask: “You said the line is different for each dancer. Where is your line?”

I have never been an escort. I’ve never had penetrative sex for money. I’m just not interested in it. I have allowed some men to go down on me during a private showing, but it’s not my modus operandi. I regularly touch the clients as they are touching me. I’ve even given a handjob here and there – but all that is fairly tame by comparison to what others enjoy/tolerate.

Sex is special to me: If I hook up, I want it to be because the guy is hot and/or intriguing. If I meld, I want it to be genuinely invested. If I make love, that can’t be bought from me. Groping and infrequent receptive oral sex don’t offend me, because I perceive them as fairly impersonal. Perhaps I’ve been touched superficially enough that it just doesn’t mean anything to me anymore? Kissing and sex, however, are much deeper forms of touch, and they are still reserved for my personal time.

In my past blogs I’ve strongly cautioned against doing anything against local laws. I am aware of the hypocrisy in what I have just admitted. But the limited sexuality I sometimes permit doesn’t leave a blot on my conscience. Also, consider how irresponsible it would be for me to say to a neonate, ”Yes, go out and suck as much dick as you can! Let them all fuck your ass too, for good measure.” Um, no. That is nowhere near the level where I operate – it’s fine for the people that are okay with it (if they’re willing to take the risks involved), but that isn’t for me.

What I’ve described today is reality, not legal advice. No, I don’t advocate that people do what is done, but that doesn’t change the fact that it happens. For the most part with me, a dance is a dance, but occasionally they are a little bit more. The line is different for each dancer, and mine is drawn pretty far down on the scandal ladder.

Ultimately, you have to know who you are and what you can tolerate. In addition to this, there is also the law. No, you shouldn’t allow anything that is illegal to happen during a dance. People also shouldn’t smoke marijuana (according to the law). They also shouldn’t speed when they drive (according to the law). And of course, people shouldn’t loiter, download music from the Internet, or jaywalk (according to the law). I will continue to say that people shouldn’t be sexual in their dances, because I don’t want to be responsible for leading someone into risk. However, there is the perfect world, and then there’s the real world. I figured it was time to speak more transparently about where my line is – I’ll not be turning myself into a saint, thank you very much.

So, with all that said: Wanna private dance?

Dear Harlow,

I just watched the videos that were produced for the here! network, and I wanted to take a moment to tell you that your story has not gone unheard and unfelt. I want you to know that there are people who see that “even a gay porn actor” is innocent until proven guilty. I want you to know that there are people who are not entertained by your misery. I want you to know that you are right every time you say your name out loud, and that your mother is right to touch the glass as if she were caressing your face. I want you to know that when you are exonerated there will be people who will celebrate whole heartedly for you. I want you to know that there are people who hope you will survive, heal, and thrive. I want you to know that there is compassion for you, and that there is still beauty outside – it is waiting for you to embrace it when you return to the world. Do not come back to us broken. Please.

If you are found guilty, I hope it will be because there is a mountain of incontrovertible truth sustaining that decision, and not because you have lived your life in your own way. If you are found innocent, I hope it will be because you are innocent without any further doubt attached to your name. If you are found lost in the dark, I hope you will remember the points of light: They are the stars that will guide you home. If you are found alone, I hope you will remember that you are not.

Con mucha esperanza,

Devon

I was chatting online last night, and some dude hit me up. We talked some formal chit chat for a little bit before he told me that he’d just had a fight with his boyfriend, had shown his boyfriend my profile, and had told his boyfriend that I was the guy waiting in the wings for him to leave his boyfriend. To which the man said his boyfriend replied, “Well, he’s a pole dancer, so I guess that’s just fucking typical!”

Mhm…

Ring, Ring:

“Hello?”

“Hi, Kettle?”

“Yeah?”

“This is the pot: You’re black.” (Click.)

Dear Devon,

I know you don’t date, but I’d still like to hear your thoughts on something. I went out last night with a guy that I thought was gonna be awesome. He made it clear that he thought I was a prostitute, because I’m a dancer. He said, “You’re not dating material, even if you think you are.” He also said when he goes to strip clubs he doesn’t pay. He’s a landscape designer, so it’s not like he’s some important person. Why does he get to be so judgmental?

Also, when we first started talking he was right there whenever I’d text or call, but now nothing. During dinner he was texting his friends, telling them my name, just for bragging rights. But now I feel like I have to chase him. He’s beautiful, and I can tell he’s used to getting his way and treating people however he wants. What do you think of all this?

- Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I think he’s an asshole. That’s what I think of all this. Without knowing all the details, let me offer responses to what all I’m sensing in this:

1. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy, simply because of your profession, then you shouldn’t feel bad when you do what’s necessary: Cut. Him. Out. Do it now. He’s using you as a trophy to prop up his own ego.
2. He doesn’t like strippers but he goes to strip clubs? I smell hypocrisy.
3. He doesn’t pay? And it sounds like he doesn’t pay out of a sense of superiority (something particularly irksome that many “hot” patrons do). Whether you ask him this in person or not, ponder the following question: If I were running late to a job interview, and I decided to cut through the flowerbed to save a moment or two, would you think it disrespectful? They’re “just” petunias (never mind that you selected the color, placement, and assemblage; that you had to use your time and energy to plan the bed and get the materials; that you had to invest in planting and nurturing them). If I’m running late for this interview, isn’t it okay for me to trample your silly flowers?
4. Whether or not you’re ready to consider yourself dating material is your own question to answer. You know yourself better than he does. Ignore this bit of ignorance, if possible. I know it’s a hurtful comment, but try to not absorb it.
5. In the book “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Persuit of Perfection” by Tim Bergling, there is a phenomenon described that I’ve referred to before on this blog. The desire/rejection cycle is a real part of everyone’s world, but particularly burdensome for gay men (whose identities are wrapped up in sexuality, and thus whose identities are greatly invested in getting laid… no sex = no existence?). Why are you giving this man power? Because he’s hot? Stop it. Just stop it. He’s a prat, and he doesn’t respect you. I don’t care if he’s a cover model for a workout magazine, you should let this one go. His arrogance and inflated sense of entitlement alone make him ridiculous. If he is accustomed to treating people any which way, then why would he change for you? You rejecting him may be the very experience he needs to help him recognize that his opinions are about as important as anyone else’s.

I know it’s “natural” for people (men especially, and gay men in particular) to jump at touching Adonis (whether in becoming Adonis, obtaining one, or both); however, if you find you are chasing (or that you are being chased), then you aren’t in stride with your partner. A relationship is about relating to someone, not just spending time around him. If I have to chase after you, you are running away from me. If you have to chase after me, I am trying (on some level) to get away from you. How would that ever be happy, fulfilling, or healthy? Find someone who will walk by your side, not in front of or behind you.

In closing, I think that people should be responsible for their own feelings, but not at the expense of the feelings of others. It seems to me that beautiful people should consider owning their looks without becoming mean. The roulette wheel could have stopped one space to the left or right. Your looks are not, hopefully, all you have to offer. And they shouldn’t be used as a weapon. Pride tempered with some humility is very sexy.

Many of the threads on the site where I chat are ridiculous, stupid, infuriating, bitchy, mean, and generally worthless; however, they tend to generate some classic flame wars, so that makes them tolerable. I admit that my own contributions have often taken them in that direction. I’m not innocent in this. However, there is one thread running right now that is particularly interesting to me. The paraphrased title of the thread is, “These porn stars: Where do they all come from?” The original question centers on trying to figure out the source of all the denizens of online porn models. It looks sometimes like almost EVERYONE is a porn star, thanks to the internet and affordable technology for home use.

The original poster has a good point, of course. The internet has made everyone an expert on everything (How do you think I’ve been empowered to make myself the Dr. Phil of gay strippers?). People can simply say whatever they want, and it’s the truth… because they said so. The printed word once carried a great deal more weight than it does now (in my non-cited, unscholarly opinion). Such is the way of the world and the evolution of language/communication: Writing was once a treasure, an arduous skill possessed by only a few illuminated minds, and it went to reason that anything written was therefore precious for one reason or another. By contrast today, every ignorant ass in the galaxy knows how to record his/her stupidity for posterity. Writing simply isn’t the mysterious, permanent voice of the gods anymore. It just isn’t. (Because I said so.)

Although I know most of what everyone writes (myself included), is utter tripe, I still invest in what people have taken the time to commit to a format more permenant than the spoken word. Theorists say words are random and have no real meaning. I disagree, and in a new book called “Alphabet Juice” by Roy Blount, Jr., he explains why the words we use are connected to us at far deeper levels than simple sound associations. I’ve studied languages and writing. I love them. I can’t help finding weight in that which is written. Take this response to the thread’s question, for example:

They come from their worthless little lives with no ambition and dignity. A few hundred dollars to them is just another bag of cocaine.

The problem here is that although his opinion if full of unmitigated hatred, it’s not necessarily full of untruth. Yes, there are definitely people in adult entertainment who are on a downward spiral. And that spiral is fueled by destructive people who encourage destructive behaviors. What is not present in this response is any acknowledgement that there are also adult entertainers who do consciously contribute something valuable to the culture at large.

When I give these examples, it isn’t a plea for understanding and empathy. I intend it more as an example of why that person’s over-generalized response requires discussion. So then, here are some examples of people in the adult entertainment industry who do something good through it, or because of it:

• Many people use adult entertainment to fund an education they otherwise couldn’t get
• Many directors (e.g. Chi Chi LaRue) specifically address the importance of safe-sex in an attempt to keep vigilance about STD’s in the front of viewers’ minds: “Safe sex is hot sex!”
• Several of the adult entertainers I know are involved with charities, which benefit from the presence or endorsement of the celebrity in question
• Pornography is a form of safe sex in and of itself
• Pornography is a tool for teaching people about sex (for better or worse), and keeps issues concerning identity, gender, and sexuality at the fore. The very “clichés” people make fun of in porn are there because there’s a demand for them. What does that say about you as a consumer?
• Adult entertainers, whether they intend it or not, force the culture to discuss issues of sexual politics, and in their own way (intended or not) are part of the dialogue that is the struggle for LGBT equality.

And what about the more practial fact that most adult entertainers have enough work ethic to support themselves and their families through multiple jobs, rather than take unemployment or other forms of government aid? Scotty dreams of buying his finacé-to-be a nice ring, and to provide her with a home and comfort. My dancer friends with children bemoan the slow nights at the club, because (and I directly quote a beautiful man I know at Swinging Richards named Star) “I could’ve stayed at home and held my baby.” What about the fact that adult entertainers who claim their tips and pay their taxes have contributed money that is just as green as any doctor’s, lawyer’s, teacher’s, or engineer’s?

I do not intend to refute the stereotype that porn stars and strippers are drug addicted whores who are not only oblivious to their own wasted lives, but who also undermine civilization by bringing others down with them (Isn’t that what the religious Right says about homosexuals? ALL homosexuals? Even the judgemental, bitchy cunts who make hateful comments about people in their own community in an effort to ally themselves with the very Puritanical culture that rejects them?). I have no need to debate this assumption: The content of this blog, and the clarity with which I speak (even if I were the only sober adult entertainer on the planet, which I’m not) proves that, at the least, there exist exceptions to the “rule.” (Because I said so.)