Devon Hunter

So, the title for this entry is a reference to a song by Michael Jackson from his album Dangerous called “Why You Wanna Trip On Me?” It’s appropriate, because of a situation involving an escort whom I met last weekend in New York City. For almost a year now I have met many great people, both clients and colleagues, but I had yet to meet someone who completely falls into the stereotypical chaos that (until recently?) has been ubiquitously associated with adult entertainment as an industry.

I had finished for the evening last Friday, and I was chatting online. I saw a face I recognized from the online escort ads. He was an escort whom I’d considered hiring a few months ago when I was in Philadelphia, and for whom I had submitted a vote for being the sexiest escort of the year for the 2010 escorting awards. He is amazing in his pictures. Totally mesmerizing. I said hello.

And I should have known from his first response that it was going to be problematic.

I am not going to bother with the details of our meeting in person, but I will say that I am glad I have my process for screening clients. I will expound on this more in a moment. But before I do, I need to take a minute to meditate on the wisdom in the statement, “We create our own reality.”

This escort loathes his work. He said repeatedly, “My clients hate me too, because I’m an asshole.” His clients contact him willy-nilly, and they show up (or not) based on whatever whim. They come at him with expectations that trespass on his sense of self, and he goes along in an inebriated state trying to block it all out. I ended up having to extract myself from the club where we went, just because I was too tired to continuously avoid absorbing his dismay. I had a great trip to New York City, I enjoyed all my clients, and I wasn’t in the mood to have this person bring me down when I had one more day of itinerary left to conclude.

All this brings me to the following list of suggestions. These practices have created a situation where I am content, safe, and happy, and I have offered to share them with this person (who is truly breaking every rule of adult entertainment, but especially Devon’s Platinum Rule). I hope they will help you, if you are unhappy in your escorting practice:

1. Establish contact via email: Escorts, you will do very well to follow this simple suggestion. I cannot stress enough how important it is to be organized and to convey a sense of professionalism. This initial contact sets the tone of your entire interaction. Putting your phone number in your ad allows people to interrupt you at any time, and if you are distracted you will not be able to put the required focus into your conversation. Also, email puts everything in writing, so that you don’t have to memorize conversations. Sort your emails in a way that fits you (I sort mine by US states), and use the search functions on a person’s email to load strings of conversation to refresh your memory as needed. All of this is impossible with phone conversations. Also: Clients who are willing to go back and forth in an email conversation before talking on the phone are the ones you want! They like you enough to engage you verbally. They are excited. They are getting as much information as you are. They have gotten to know you some, and are much less likely to cancel. If they do cancel they will do so (in general) with enough notice not to leave you hanging. I generally do not give a client my phone number until we have confirmed an appointment. BE ORGANIZED.
2. Be certain that you know exactly what is expected before you meet: Seeing someone without having thoroughly discussed the client’s interests and expectations is a way to all but guarantee that you will have a thoroughly wretched time. Know your boundaries, and turn away appointments that are not aligned with what you are willing to do. Agreeing to see a client who wants something you can’t offer without injury to your sense of self will result in disappointments on both sides. You should know that there are forums where clients submit reviews about escorts, and if you provide terrible service others will eventually know and cease calling you.
3. Work sober: Until you have gotten acquainted with a client after a few meetings, you cannot say you truly know anything about him. You should never be intoxicated or inebriated in any way. Ever. Period. If you are meeting a client for the first time in a private place (rather than in a restaurant or public locale), do not accept food or drink that you have not witnessed being opened fresh and made from scratch in your presence. Not only is it completely unprofessional to be drunk/high (and you would do well to avoid clients who are intoxicated, as much as they should avoid you if you are), but your inhibitions will be eroded, and you will not be able to monitor and assess your situation from moment to moment.
4. Respect yourself: It might be a universal truth that people will treat you exactly how you tell them to treat you. And they will know how to interact with you by evaluating how you comport yourself. You must hold yourself dear, so that you will be in a position to be giving to others. When you treat yourself with care and others with grace, they will (nine times out of ten) do the exact same in kind. Adult entertainment is the same as any other business: Professionalism, cleanliness, respect, kindness, and confidence will attract the people who value these traits. You are in charge of your own brand. You must sell it to your target audience. Pick an audience with whom you WANT to work.
5. Take breaks: If ever there was an industry where you have to rest and recover your strength, it is this one. You can give only so much energy before you have to recharge. Escorts who will see clients with almost no notice worry me. How can you possibly be ready in 30 minutes to see someone who hasn’t told you what he wants?? Are you crazy??? You haven’t established that there’s any possibility of rapport between you at all! And escorts who say in their ads that they are available 24/7?? You must look like hell! I am available from noon to midnight, and don’t bother me when I’m sleeping! My goal is to take one weekend off each month, and you’re a fool if you don’t take time away. Burnout is real.
6. Plan ahead and manage your money: I know my itinerary before I ever show up in a city. I am looking for 7 – 12 billable hours on a weekend trip away from home (and only 3-6 billable hours if I stay in Charlotte for the week). I need two billable hours to cover hotel and food; one or two to cover airplane fares; three to amass the money I need that week for bills; and then the difference goes toward savings, projects, and/or spending money. This means of a maximum of 12 billable hours in a weekend (This is one way I avoid burnout!), a quarter of the money goes immediately back into my travel expense account, a quarter goes towards bills, and half goes to me. And THAT is how you divvy your money: Repay travel first, so that if you have a disappointing weekend you can afford to try again the next week. Put aside money to pay your bills next, so that you are not in a weakened financial position at home. But pay the business FIRST! (You can pay your bills late if need be! If you pay them first to be on time after a bad weekend, you won’t have the money to travel!) Finally, PAY YOURSELF. You would be wise to put some of what you have netted after business/bills into savings, some into investments, some into an emergency store of cash, and the rest into something nice for yourself (nice food, new clothes, travel, JEWELRY!!! hahaha). Everything in suggestions 1 -6 are here so that you can obey #7, which is the most important of all:
7. ESCHEW DESPERATION: Do not do anything involving adult entertainment from a position of desperation. EVER. Walk away and do something else. Find some other option to make money or to solve whatever problem is at hand. If you work from a position of disempowerment you risk falling into the pit of despair. It is a deep, dark place, and those who fall in with you will not be there to help you get out. They will not be in a position to do so, and they won’t want to. Create the reality you want for yourself!! Be happy! It’s in your power to do so!

I am about to write this blog with the full knowledge that it could set off a series of conflicts later. I also want to preface what I’m about to say by admitting that I am in no way perfect in regards to safe sex. In fact, I’m not very good at being consistent with practicing it. I know the risks, I know the consequences, but (like a huge number of people) I have not completely embraced 100% safe sex (and I don’t believe other people when they say they have: I’ve hooked up with far too many people who claimed 100% and then fell short with me for me to buy into all their nonsense).

All of this stems from the following: 1) Most of the condoms I’ve tried have either desensitized me or hurt me (however, Pleasure Plus are almost awesome and Lifestyles SKYN are passable), 2) Condoms have been served to me (and the rest of the U.S.A.) with a hefty dose of guilt and fear, instead of eroticism and empathy, and 3) Gay + Artist + Middle Class + America = worthless (if I’m not rich, straight, and corporate then I don’t have any real value in this country anyway, right? Imagine the potential extra layers of burdensome self-loathing for people who are poor and/or non-White).

But I recognize that this is not good! I recognize that this needs an adjustment in behavior on my part. I own that I am making bad choices when I opt for natural, rather than safer, sex. I know I am valuable and deserve better, that I should be respecting my partners. I know this. It is one of the reasons I am so intent on helping with promoting the safer sex strategies Dr. Terry Gerace wants to implement on his website. It’s because I truly want to acclamate to taking better care of myself, my partners, and my community/world. I feel bad that I’m not there yet. But I definitely never advocate barebacking.

So, after acknowledging that I need to practice safe sex with better than 50% regularity, I am going to go out on a limb here and call Mason Wyler out as the single most irresponsible person I can think of in adult entertainment. I saw that he was wanting writers for his site/blog, and I submitted my name before I read his content. All I knew of him was that he is a bottom with a reputation for being a gutter slut. However, I’d not actually read his own words before…

Utterly irresponsible… It is bad enough that gay porn is reinforcing the notion for gay men that bareback sex is “better,” but the outright smut from Mason’s own pen breaks my heart a little for him. In his entry “I want Brock Armstrong” Mason Wyler writes that Armstrong is hot specifically because he does bareback sex videos. He then defends this outrageous statement by saying, “That’s right, I said it!” beaming with pride, as if he has liberated himself and his readers from the cold, dark abyss that is safe sex. BULLSHIT!

I’m sorry, but at what point do we start holding people accountable for the net they cast? Yes, everyone is free to make choices in their lives, but at what point does your personal life start affecting everyone else too? Thomas Jefferson said that one man’s rights end where the next man’s begin… okay… so… The porn industry works with people who, in their personal lives, make the choice to practice bareback sex. Fine. However, once the industry becomes saturated with this imagery/attitude, and once the public begins responding by imitating this behavior more and more (and then STD infections explode again), isn’t the industry responsible on some level? Yes, there is still a freedom of choice innate to the consumer, but underneath it all, wasn’t that free choice heavily weighted towards the self-destructive?

Tobacco companies are being held responsible for addicting people to their product and for the health consequences of the general public. Don’t be surprised when the same becomes true for restaurants that offer fat/salt/sugar-laden food. These foods are addictive. Don’t fool yourself – these chains train their customers to want only bad food, to the exclusion of more healthful options. There’s a push to hold these purveyors of toxic food responsible for the product they make. So then, why not adult entertainment too?

I offer this question for debate: Is a person who takes Mason’s opinion into himself, practices the same behavior as his dysfunctional role model (with Mason’s example specifically in his mind), and is consequently infected with a disease, not in a position to hold (himself and) Mason Wyler responsible?

If we as a culture could be gobsmacked by 0.03 seconds of Janet’s titty (which is so completely ridiculous on so many levels that I’m not even going to entertain addressing them), then why aren’t we outraged by Mason Wyler’s wholly chaotic attitude towards safe sex in the midst of a resurgence of HIV infections? I believe that people imitate what they see, and I don’t think it’s fair that gay men seem to see only bad examples. Where are the portrayals of healthy, compassionate, generous same-sex interactions?

There comes a time in any career when you have to start considering how you will make your exit (Here are some ideas for careers that you can consider after leaving performance). I’m not talking about my own situation (although I’ll address that in a moment), but of a friend’s. He’s been doing adult entertainment for about two years now, and, honestly, that’s about as long as most people do it. I’d be willing to wager that if I did a survey, there would be a bell curve showing that the greatest number of people in the biz stay in it for two-three years. So, there’s nothing abnormal in having this conversation with someone.

What was interesting is that this person had forgotten about life’s options. He sat in silence for a moment when I said, “The career won’t change. Either you have to change your expectations, or you have to find new work.” I was a tad surprised when he responded with, “Wow. I mean… wow.”

He is the type of person who is happiest in a relationship, and has been dissatisfied since breaking up with his last partner. Relationships are more important to him than staying in his current work situation – he wasn’t able to connect with people, because of his career. People are willing to fuck strippers, but not willing to date us (which says more about them than us, to be frank).

And so, it is time for this person to transition out, so that he can find someone to date. That is his priority. He is going to save up his tips, go to school, start a new career, and look for a woman to bear him children. Such is the heterosexual’s world. It makes little sense to me, but it’s his life, not mine. We have to be happy in this world. That is paramount.

As for my own situation: My application to go back to school to become a Physical Therapy Assistant was rejected, because I “failed to meet minimum requirements.” Uh huh… Six months of jumping through flaming hoops for people who couldn’t read the lists of requirements in front of their faces, and it is I who fail to meet minimum requirements? I have to say I’m not all that put out – it was more rigmarole trying to get into this community college than getting into UCLA. I’d actually been figuring out how to get out of going back now, because I have a plan for getting out of debt that would have been completely undermined by being in classes.

So, it’s time for a different strategy. Both of my female roommates are moving in with their boyfriends when the current lease expires in September. I’ve not had my own place since 2003. I’ve lived with roommates for a long time now. I’m excited. Being in school would have complicated a move, so it’s another reason to be glad that this plan didn’t work. I’m happy that I’ll be free to do all of these life tasks without having to worry about missing a class session.

Also, I’ve decided to experiment with other modalities of adult entertainment. I’m exhausted of all the driving from club to club. I’m not interested in leaving the career, however. I am not done. I am still needed in the field, which probably sounds like an odd sentiment, but I have a carefully honed plan that I will share in about a year or so, when everything comes into fruition. It’s time to work smarter, not harder. I do not think I’m interested in becoming a sex worker. I wouldn’t want to do that unless I could successfully navigate being a gay courtesan of sorts. However, there are other options, and I will be flying to San Diego on May 6 in order to explore some opportunities there.

So, I went out last night (Tuesday Trivial Pursuit at Petra’s in Charlotte, NC) for the first time in quite a while. Every time I go out for fun I remember why I don’t. Over the course of about four hours I had umpteen random people come up to me (most of whom I had never seen before) and criticize something about the way I looked or the way I was dressed. I was on the receiving end of several cutting remarks about what I do, and I was called up on stage by the female impersonator hosting the event who said in front of about 150 people, “This is the only stripper I’ve ever known whom I would call an entertainer.” Mhm.

Here’s one exchange I had a few moments later: “You look very nice tonight.”

“Thank you. How are you?”

“I’m good. You’re that stripper, right?”

“Which stripper?”

“That guy that does all the flips and shit.”

“Oh. Yes, I’m probably that person, yes.”

“You look really hot. Can I take you home?”

“I came here with a friend. He’s my ride back.”

“Well, when you’re dressed like that it screams ‘Whore!’ I’m just saying.”

I was wearing jeans and a tank top with a baseball cap.

“Funny, I thought it was more of a whisper.”

I was pinched, poked, prodded, rubbed, humped, squeezed, and canoodled until I was just about done with being gracious. I finally settled into a nice conversation on the back patio, but before that happened I had to get ornery with someone: One boy came up to me randomly and said, “You are sooo fucking hot. But I’ve heard about you.”

“Oh? What have you heard?”

“That you’re a dancer.”

“I am a dancer.”

“Oh, well I don’t hold that against you. I’m cool with that.”

“Ah. Well, what do you do?”

“I work at Best Buy. I’m in retail.”

“Oh, well I don’t hold that against you. I’m cool with that.”

He went and sat down.

This could probably be alleviated by going out more. I am seen so seldom in my clothes that people just don’t know how to relate to me as a real person. I suppose I should start breaking down the social wall a little bit more, and letting people see me as I am. But that means I’ll have to contend with alot of sniping and mean bullshit along the way.

A total stranger walked up to me, and said, “So, did you tear the sleeves off that shirt?”

“No, it’s a tank top. I bought it like this.”

“Well, I’d like it better on a woman. I’m sure everyone else likes it just fine, but I’m straight.”

(Blink, blink… what the hell am I supposed to say to that?)

“Alright.” And then I turned away. What else is required here? I have no idea.

Part of me desperately wants to go out and be around people more (without it being in a work setting), but another part of me just rolls his eyes and thinks it’d be better to just stay at home with the cat. I like people, I truly do; however, there are times I just want to smack them. I have to admit that this is beginning to wear me out.

Probably the most hurtful non-interaction was with someone with whom I’ve hooked up several times. He kept walking by me with his head down, refusing to look at me. I finally approached him and said hello. He acted surprised to see me, and we had a very uncomfortable 30-second chat. About an hour later I left to go home. Immediately he texted me, “Sorry we couldn’t talk more. Let’s fuck again soon.” I think not.

Devon Hunter: Please tell me: a) the contact info you would want used in the interview, b) a brief description of the organization’s history,  c) and how the organization fills a gap in standard attitudes towards sex workers.

Stacey Swimme: I am the Development Director of St. James Infirmary.

St. James Infirmary provides compassionate and non-judgmental health care and social services for all sex workers, while preventing occupational illnesses and injuries through a comprehensive continuum of services. We offer free, confidential medical and social services for female, male, and transgender, sex workers.

We are the first peer run occupational health and safety clinic for sex workers in the United States. In our case, peer run means that the majority of our staff, current or former sex workers and are active clients of the clinic-that is they also receive our services. The nature of peer-to-peer services creates a safe space where sex workers can feel safe in discussing their sexual health, seek out services that are appropriate to meet their needs, and receive culturally competent care. Sex workers tend to be pathologized in medical environments, resulting in fractured relationships with medical providers and inadequate care. At the St. James Infirmary participants have no fear of their occupation interfering with their right to receive quality medical care.

What services do you offer at the Infirmary, and how are these services funded?

About one third of our funding comes from the City of San Francisco and state of California through their respective AIDS prevention funds. This support has been slashed in 2009 as the city and state are both facing severe budget cuts. We also receive in-kind support from other clinics and HIV/AIDS prevention organizations.

We’ve recently become qualified for some third-party billing programs such as Medi-Cal and FamPACT (a family planning fund). Through these programs we’re able to receive reimbursements for some of the clinical services provided, such as gynecological care. These reimbursements are helping to off-set costs, but often still do not cover the full expense that we put out for these services.

The rest of our funding comes through private foundation grants and private contributors. Individual private donors who contribute small amounts, anywhere from $20 to $200, are really helping us keep our program going.

Our services include Primary Care, Transgender Hormone Therapy, HIV/STD/HCV Counseling and Testing, Hepatitis A/B Immunizations, Acupuncture, Massage and Reiki, Peer and Mental Health Counseling, Support Groups, Health Education Workshops, On-site and Street-based Syringe Access & Disposal (NEX), Street and Venue-based Outreach, Wound/Abscess Care, Food and Clothing, Harm Reduction Supplies, Apprenticeships and Internships, Community Research, and Education. We are open 3 days a week: Tuesdays 1-6pm (NEX) and Tuesdays 3-6pm (wound and holistic care); Wednesday 6-9pm (drop-in and appointment-based Medical services); and Thursdays 1-4pm (appointment-based transgender healthcare) and Thursdays 6-9pm (drop-in primary medical care).

A full list of the support groups, meetings, and other opportunities to participate or receive services is available at our website at www.StJamesInfirmary.org.

What type of political/social/cultural climate is required for a city to have an organization like St. James? What kind of cooperation is needed from local authorities?

This project was made possible because of the unique vision of Sex Worker rights activists from COYOTE and the Exotic Dancers Alliance (EDA). In 1999, via collaboration with the Department of Public Health STD Control and Prevention Section (known as “City Clinic”), the University of California San Francisco, COYOTE, and EDA the St. James Infirmary started as a private non-profit 501(c)(3)

Having a rich history of sex worker rights organizing in San Francisco (first with COYOTE, then BaySWAN, and later the Exotic Dancers Alliance) was central to ensuring that this would be a strong peer-led effort that would honor the true needs of sex workers. Several things happened that made this possible. In 1996 the San Francisco task force on prostitution made recommendations that the City should fund occupational health services for sex workers. In 1998, sex workers rights activist from COYOTE and EDA called the Director of STD Control and Prevention of the San Francisco Department of Public Health, Dr. Jeffrey Klausner and proposed a clinic model for sex workers that went beyond HIV and STI testing. This was the beginning of conversations and alliances to be made that provided the framework for a peer led occupational health and safety clinic for sex workers.

First we were just open one night a week at City Clinic. For five years, every Wednesday night 6-9pm, City Clinic was open to sex workers and their current partners for services ranging from primary care, STD screening and prevention, and free sexual health resources to items such as condoms. In 2003 we got our own clinic! Our hours were expanded, and a wealth of services were added.

How do you protect the privacy of the people who seek your help?

Participants are never required to provide identification. Whatever name, gender and other identities an individual wishes to be known by at our clinic are what goes into their medical records. The records are only accessible by staff who need them. Since we are mostly peers and share a desire for privacy, participants have no reason to fear that we will be insensitive about this. Medical records are protected under privacy laws and can only be shared with outside sources at the request of the participant (patient) or through a court ordered subpoena. However, we are not an anonymous test site, we are a confidential test site. Under the law, positive HIV and STI test results are disclosed to the Health Department. But if a person is using an alias, than that is the name that is reported with the test result.

What measures would you suggest if someone wanted to pursue founding a similar organization for their own area?

Collaborate! Start by building a relationship with a local clinic that sex workers in your community trust. Sometime Planned Parenthood is a good place for sex workers, sometimes they’re not. Clinics that serve LGBTQ communities also tend to be kinder to sex workers, but again, it’s hit or miss in some towns.

You also need a strong sex worker community to advocate for a rights-based approach to healthcare. Team up with your nearest Sex Workers Outreach Project (SWOP) chapter or other regional sex worker rights group. Talk with other sex workers in your community about what their actual needs and interests are. Remember, sex workers had been building community in San Francisco for over 25 years before SJI was created. That foundation and well-connected members of our community are how this was possible.

In 2006 you offered a scholarship. Can you tell me how that happened and whether or not it is an on-going program?

The scholarship program we offered was a one-time program that was the result of unclaimed settlement money in a class action lawsuit. In 2003, a group of exotic dancers filed suit against some strip clubs in San Francisco and then settled the case (Siefred v. Centerfolds, et.al. Case No. 305470). After the court exhausted attempts to reach all the original plaintiffs in the case, the Court ordered that unclaimed money from the settlement be used for a grant program focused on education, job training assistance, and alcohol/drug treatment counseling for members of the dancer community. The St. James Infirmary was one of several agencies that received grants from this program. We decided to use our grant money for scholarships to any dancer who could verify that they were currently enrolled in school or a job training program and had danced in San Francisco since 1998. The money was then paid directly to the educational institutions. It was a really amazing opportunity for us to redistribute that money to the community. All together we awarded over $60,000 in scholarship money to about 30 exotic dancers.

Which organizations do you collaborate with and how/why?

In San Francisco:
SF DPH, San Francisco AIDS Foundation, SRO Collaborative, Coalition on Homelessness, Coalition to Save Public Health, the DOPE Project (Harm Reduction Coalition), City Clinic, TransTHRIVE, Positive Directions, Harvey Milk Democratic Club, BaySWAN, and others.

Sex workers rights: We are a community organization member of the Desiree Alliance, we work with other sex worker rights groups as well including SWOP.

What benefits do you see your community enjoying because of the work done at St. James?

Most importantly we are a safe haven with understanding supportive peers. From personal experience and from speaking with others, I know that having a sense of community and a place where you feel welcome contributes to a sense of self-value that motivates us to be healthy and informed. In addition to all of the free services we offer, such as massage or accupuncture, we make friends here. We meet other participants here who will be a safe call when we do outcalls, or who can tell us about a new website to market whatever our unique service is. We circulate a bad date list to help people avoid dangerous clients. People can not only pick up condoms here, but also get info on how to use them or how to be assertive with a client who doesn’t want to use protection. These little details that we understand make huge differences in the lives of sex workers, and these details are often not available at other health clinics.

Are there any obstacles or challenges that hamper your efforts?

Lots! We’re running out of money. That’s the biggest thing. We’ve been holding on for as long as we can to avoid service cuts and cutting back staff hours. But with the reduction in support from city and state, plus the huge cuts that private foundatiuons are experiencing due to the economy, we are in a very tight place right now.

Other challenges: People’s attitudes toward sex workers; the fact that we see sick people arrested and cycled through the jail system; and them then coming out at the other end with their health in even worse a state… all of these things are hard for our staff to see and experience. The criminal status of some of our participants is a driving force in blocking their access to healthcare and safety resources. While we are running low on funds we continue to see money wasted on prohibiting prostitution, which is directly working against our mission to help sex workers stay healthy.

What is the over-arching goal of the organization, and how do you measure effectiveness?

The main goal is to give sex workers access to the tools they need to be safe and healthy. More than 70 per cent of participants say that they heard of us through a friend who has been here. This is a major sign of how effective we are being at providing culturally competent care to a very marginalized group of people.

This year is our 10 year anniversary! We’re having a huge anniversary party on June 5th, 2009 in San Francisco. Info will be at our site at http://www.StJamesInfirmary.org.

I was wondering if you might be willing to link to http://www.BoundNotGagged.com, a blog for sex workers?

I would be happy to list your links. And thank you for sharing this incredibly helpful information with me and my readers.