Devon Hunter

It was a glorious day: The colors were vibrant, but just past their prime, and there were icicles everywhere. There had been a snow storm the night before, so the symbolism was perfect. There was beauty everywhere, though it sometimes seemed a bit browbeaten.

The earth is going to sleep for a spell. And we are on the cusp of rest and temporary death.

The sky was incredible – the colors in the clouds were gorgeous. I trekked up to the top of Mount Mitchell (at +6,800 ft it’s the highest point in North America east of the Mississippi River), and it was really amazing. That night I did the ritual itself on KITTEH’s screened-in sniffing parlor at my apartment. Grampa liked Port, so I used that, rather than a simple wine. KITTEH helped (KITTEH has strong magick). Grampa loved cats – sometimes I think he preferred cats to people (and I can completely relate to that).

But yes, it was a beautiful Samhain, even it it was the first time I had to do a ritual for the dead. It gave me a better sense of closure, and (for my part) I sent Grampa off on his long journey with love, friendship, peace, and joy. Happy Belated New Year!

“Au fur et au mésure que je connais mieux les hommes, je préfère mon chat.” (The more I know men, the better I like my cat.)

“C’eux qui s’amusent aux chats peuvent pas maudire les giffres.”  (People who play with cats should not curse the claws.)

Hello and Happy Holidays! Wow, 2010 has all but flown by already… You’re getting old! (I’m not. Somehow, I’m still 24. )

I want to take a moment to give thanks and appreciation to family, friends, patrons, readers, and other positive people in my life. Having a network of supportive people is so important, and I am deeply grateful for all of them. I’m even grateful for the challenges, obstacles, naysayers, haters, and porn drama: All of that stands as a contrast to remind me to appreciate what I have that is good in my life. Despite (or on some level, because of) the rough days back around my birthday this past June/July, I think I have never been happier than I have been in 2010. It was an amazing year for me (and yes, I already mark it off as being done, since Samhain was the last day of the year, and all you heathens are still waiting for December 31.) HA!

Lately I have made it a priority to make more time throughout the day to reconnect with my spirituality. It has repaid me well: I haven’t felt this optimistic, empowered, and confident since the Summer/Autumn of 2005 (which is when I met my last boyfriend – you know, the one who defrauded me for $30k and cheated on me with 20-30 men while I was working multiple jobs to support the both of us). But that was then, and this is now. I just paid of my Lasik surgery (the best money I have EVER spent), and so I own my eyeballs free and clear now (and they actually work, too!). I am so freaking excited to have paid yet another debt down to ZERO! Anyway, I find that re-establishing my sense of self has made it far less likely that others can get me down. On Twitter today, someone I was following as a compliment for following me first made the following statement: “Every time I get horny I just think about AIDS and I go back to normal.” That sentiment betrays a hypocritical attitude on many levels, coming from someone who blogs about sexuality. My response was simply this: ” ” His response to me was: “It made my day that a hooker thought my attitude disgusting! LOL”

I didn’t get mad. I just unfollowed him. It really is as easy as that. I’m not upset now. I mention it only as an example of how I feel responsible to myself and my own emotions, without being mired in guilt for distancing myself from immature ugliness. I really don’t have time for silly, stupid people. If you are so insensitive as that, then you really don’t deserve to know me. Your loss.

And this brings me back to some sentiments I have expressed repeatedly on this blog: 1) Pride is self-love based on truth, whereas arrogance is self-love based on nothing, and 2) Devon’s platinum rule: “Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.” Judgmental, hateful, insecure people are not going to be welcome here, if they seek to hurt others to aggrandize themselves. Keep that poison to yourself, thanks. You can disagree with me all day long (as many have done over the years), so long as you keep it civil.

To end on an introspective note, here are my Meditations. I have seven, one for each aspect of my integrated self. If they give you a structure that helps you, please use them in your own way. When you get what you want, please let me know!

In my quest to attract that which I want and deserve, I intend to focus on the following very specific desires:

1. PHYSICAL: I am maintaining or improving, as well as learning to see and  appreciate, the beauty in me that so many others already exalt, and I am humbly luxuriating in that Gift.
2. SPIRITUAL: I am re-establishing a variety of meditative practices and reconnecting to my journey along the Path.
3. INTELLECTUAL: I am expanding my mind by reading, writing,  conversing with a variety of people, learning new languages and skills, and researching new compositions.
4. EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL: I  am attuning to my inner self and understanding better those stressors  that cause me duress, so that I can better maintain balance and clarity; and I am understanding those impulses at a deeply intuitive level, so that I can help others as much as myself.
5. SOCIAL: I am improving the networking for the dance company, so that a large  and enthusiastic following begins coming to our performances across a  larger geographic region.
6. SEXUAL: I am attracting and having  safe, passionate sexual experiences with men who are able to access, with me, our mutual intensities.
7. FINANCIAL: I am going to be unsecured-debt free by my birthday of 2012. I am accomplishing this by maintaining or increasing my net  income until I retire, but by seeing fewer clients who book longer sessions.

I have to confess I’m a tad overwhelmed by the volume of private responses I have received concerning “Randy and Matt, or: The cycle of guilt and cowardice.” But more than that, I am particularly moved by the empathy and compassion so many of you have expressed in emails. I want to take a moment to tell all of you that this means very much to me, and I am sopping up your kindness and feeding my soul with it. I got an in-box full of Love Gravy!! Pass me them biscuits, boy!

I also want you to know that I am feeling better. Some of you expressed some concerns, and I definitely didn’t mean to alarm any of you. I don’t want to go into much detail right now, because it gets so complicated and confusing as the situation evolves, but let me say this: Matt and I spoke for 3 1/2 hours last night. A great deal was revealed, and it is yet another example of how my life is sometimes a Sit-Com writer’s wet dream come true… The comedy of errors I’m capable of is pretty staggering at times.

But that’s what happens when I feel compelled to fill in blanks where communication should be doing it for me. I will say more later, but for now I want to address two readers in particular:

(From J.N.)
“…The moment of clarity that comes with ‘I have met the enemy and it is I’ is earth shattering. But, at the same time, it can be an extraordinarily liberating feeling precisely because it DOES allow you an opportunity to break a cycle (or cycles for that matter).

“…while the gallon of arsenic Randy fed you over years is on a completely different order of magnitude to the ounce of arsenic you have given to Matt, it does not change the fact that you are giving him arsenic. Again, this does not negate what Randy did. It does not excuse it. It does not undo it. BUT, I think it does mean that we kid ourselves if we think we cannot and do not warp ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’”

J.N. – You are exactly right. I wonder if, on some level, the magic mirror cracks in the fairy tales because of the wicked queen’s finally seeing herself as she is? And while I am not ready to explain yet what I mean by it, I am completely relieved to find out that Matt did not think I was doing anything that I feared I was. However, (for argument’s sake) let’s say I was, in fact, feeding Matt poison: I do not regret the miscommunication, because I have had the revelation you mentioned. Cycles can be broken. I am glad Matt doesn’t feel poisoned, but I am even gladder that I know to make sure I don’t start.

(from Clint)
“…I was going to talk about how each one of your blogs that I’ve read have affected me, or changed my perspective. But, really, I’m sending this email more as a thanks. Remember that even on your darkest days, when you blog, you have several people that learn something about themselves. And on your good days, you have several people who celebrate with you.”

Clint – In your email (which I have grossly abbreviated here, I’m sorry) you said you believe that if you “Give to the world the best you can, the best will come back to you.” I cannot stress enough that this (although much more eloquent than what I have written) is the foundation of almost everything I want. A reader named J.C. asked me what I want from my interactions with people, and I eventually said “honesty.” But I need to amend this, so that it includes your words as well: I want honesty, but I want to remember (as much as possible) that, even when I don’t like what I learn, if someone gives me honesty, I have to accept it as the best that person can give me, and I have to give it back to him/her in the spirit of appreciation.

Thank you, all of you, for your kindnesses. Some will regard it as weakness or soppy emotional quibble/piddle/drivel; however, never doubt that giving the best you have rewards EVERYONE in the long run. Ripples in the pond, Clint, ripples in the pond!

This entry is rather belated, in terms of coming after the day we call Thanksgiving, but I didn’t want to feel pressured to write something just for the sake of writing it. I am ready now. I hope all of you had wonderful holidays, and that you were surrounded by love.

I have a great deal for which I am thankful; however, I want to focus on three points here. I am blessed to have a Mom and Gramma who understand me without question. I am happy to be genuinely at peace with the closure I have achieved after my two attempts at dating in the last calendar year. And I am so happy to have grown into a career that makes me feel free.

This year I didn’t feel like being bothered with a lot of company. I wasn’t in the mindset for all the voices and feet that Thanksgiving involves. And I definitely felt irritated at the prospect of running around all over the place to see various sets of people who never even offer to meet me in the middle to make the drive easier. So, I took off from the family scene this time around. Mom and Gramma didn’t question or pressure me. They understood I needed Mom/Gramma time, and there was nothing else said. We don’t really do guilt in my family (at least not when it comes to holiday stuff) . It’s quite refreshing.

Back in February I was upset over Allen. In July it was Steve. For the former I experienced a few months of real heartache and turmoil, and for the latter I was so overwhelmed with car problems and my transition out of the clubs that I didn’t have time to be upset. Both were unresolved until very recently. I have absorbed the lesson from Allen that I put into practice with Steve: I am now fully able to be friends with men with whom I have had failed romantic relationships. I wasn’t open to it before, but I am now. And it is so empowering. I honor and respect both of these men. Walking through the fire burns, but coming out on the other side you can definitely see how the flames do not necessarily sear the flesh. Those licks of heat can also burn away the chaff. It took a while, but my heart is lighter for having known them both.

I am a full-time companion now. I danced with the afore-mentioned Allen at an AIDS charity benefit last Wednesday, and we helped to raise $3,000; however, I did that for free. I haven’t danced in a club for money in months. And I don’t miss it at all. In the bars I had so much stress from worrying about sifting through the crowds, trying to find the people who appreciated me. Now, I know that the people I am meeting are at least interested in me on some level, and I am even finding some of my clients on the verge of becoming friends (a term I do not use lightly).

I hope that you, too, have plenty for which you can be thankful. I wish us all success and happiness. And I hope that you will invest in your own joy, if you don’t already. Make the care of yourself a top priority – only then can you truly give back to the world. Giving to yourself, so that you can give of yourself, is the best way I can think of to create a self-fulfilling prophecy of satisfaction and fellowship.

In my belief system Samhain (known to most people as Halloween) is the last day of the year. It is the Day of the Dead; however, it isn’t a morbid holiday. It’s the time when you say goodbye to loved ones and pets, especially those who have transitioned to the next life in the last year; it’s the time to remember and be thankful for domesticated animals and harvested plants, because their deaths give the living sustenance; and it is a time for closure, reflection, and release, especially of the worries of the last year.

In the old days Samhain was a festival that took place over the course of three nights, but now it is focused down into one. In those times it was not only a time of emotional closure and thanksgiving, it was also a time of forgiving debts. If someone were destitute and could not pay back a debt, it was forgiven, so that the invididual could have a better chance of a fresh start (and thus resume being a productive member of society). Samhain is the night when the veil between this world and the next is the thinnest, so it was also a time to commune with spirits.

But Samhain was yesterday. Today is literally a new day. It’s funny, but I left my last boyfriend in October of 2006, so everything in my life revolves around November. My checklist for paying bills begins with November, my leases always expire in October (so my moves always happen around this time of year when I need/want to relocate), and my other personal cycles have thus aligned to this time of year. It’s an interesting coincidence (if coincidences exist) that I am aligned to the new year this way.

I feel refreshed, and I look forward to what is coming in the next cycle. I know most of you think of the year as having 8 more weeks, but when you finally catch up to me, I hope you are in as great a state of optimism as I am. I wish you happiness, plenty, prosperity, and fulfillment NOW, whether you’ll accept it in November or not.