The online diary of a gay courtesan.

I’m excited to announce that Scotty and I will be going to a location that is not only new to us, but new in general. An old favorite in Washington, D.C. called Ziegfeld’s/Secrets was closed down about three years ago and demolished, so that the baseball stadium could be built. After a long wait, the club reopened about a month ago, and the management there invited us to come up at our earliest convenience…

Well, that is this weekend!

If you live in the D.C. metro area, and you would like to come out and say hello, the new Ziegfeld’s/Secrets is located at:

1824 Half Street SW
Washington, D.C. 20024
http://www.secretsdc.com/

As with Swinging Richards in Atlanta, GA, this is a nude bar, so don’t be actin’ all shy when you walk in, and there’s buck nekkid peeps on all the bartops. Hope you are all well, and that some of y’all out in cyberland will come see me and say hello. I have been told that at this club there is no touching, lap dancing, or VIP giving. So, if you come out, be prepared to tip “only in the socks or armbands.” Evidently there’s a strict rule (as in Atlanta) about touching below the waist and above the knee.

I am certain that I’m one of the Goddess’s most aggravating children. But I also think that She rolls her eyes affectionately as She huffs about me. I’m taking the night off. I can’t work right now. I did okay last night (a very bizarre night), and my costs are covered. I’ll go to Columbia this weekend with a respectable little “bonus” to go on top of whatever I make Friday and Saturday.

So, although there were only nine dancers at Swinging Richards last night (the lowest I’ve personally ever seen), there were also about that many patrons. I was offered a drink, something I normally don’t accept; however, after the last two weeks I was very annoyed that I’d driven all the way from Charlotte to Atlanta for such a lousy showing. Somehow I still generated a respectable piece of change. The problem is that I can’t account for half of it.

I know I did one chair dance that lasted two songs. A man tipped me a $20 on stage. I had one man get half a lap dance, but pay for three, and therefore the balance is whatever else I made on stage. It seems like an impossibly high number of $1 bills for so few tippers. I drank waaaay more than I normally do, and it really didn’t do anything except make me skip around an empty bar, singing to the Pussy Cat Dolls, Chingy, and T-Pain. Not pretty. I also told the manager (yes, The Matt) that I was tired of waiting for him to make love to me by a roaring fire, and then demanded a napkin and a lighter to simulate the effect during a quick boink. God! Stupid.

The reason I need the night off is the half-lapdance that paid for three. This has never, in all my time doing this, happened to me: He started crying. Real tears. They were rolling down his face. One fell off his cheek and splattered lightly on my navel. I thought I’d hurt him in some unknown way.

He was weeping and sobbing. I was drunk, but not completely out of my wits. He told me how it hurt him that the only way he could touch a beautiful man was to pay for it. That took me completely aback. I’ve run into this conversation before, but not with tears hitting my bellybutton, and not while I was drunk and still feeling raw about my own situation.

I made the only choice I could think of: I gave him his $20 back, and I gave him a hug. I told him something along the lines that if someone doesn’t want him for who he is, then he doesn’t need them. Something trite that sounds completely insincere today. I definitely didn’t intend to hurt his feelings. In my inebriation, this was all I could think to do. I don’t understand why, but he insisted on paying me for a dance I hadn’t even done, and then tipped me heavily. I just took it. I’m not in the mindset right now to debate these things.

Anyway, something about that entire interaction has piled on top of everything else, and I just don’t feel like being touched today. I want to be left alone, so that I can watch TV, or read, or fall asleep, or anything but entertain someone else right now.

I’m sorry that my postings have been so dark this week. I will return to form soon. I can already feel the light trying to break through the clouds. Give me a day or so, and I’ll be back to me. I may take a few days off from blogging, but when I come back my mood will be better. Promise.

There are thousands of types of touch. But, for me, they break down into three overarching categories: Subtractive, Neutral, and Additive. If you are going to be an entertainer, you have to be okay with being touched. It’s simply part of the job (unless you’re in one of those bizarre U.S. states where the dancer performs in the middle of a cage/stage with an enclosement of chicken wire that stands as a barracade five feet between the dancer and the patons – in those places the tips are passed through the spaces of the chicken wire, and the dancer can’t collect them until the patron steps back away from the barrier). However, it’s wise to understand that you’re going to need to find balance in being touched. The highest priority: Make sure that your personal boundaries and the laws for your area are both being respected. It’s important to note that your perception of the same touch will be different from moment to moment, depending on a host of circumstances.

Subtractive Touch

When you are touched in such a manner that it costs you more than the tip you are gaining, you are losing something within yourself. You will know Subtractive Touch almost immediately. It makes you feel uncomfortable, ashamed, distressed, or humiliated. Perhaps it causes you pain as well. Possibly worse: It makes you feel absolutely “nothing” (but not in a neutral manner). When all is said and done, Subtractive Touch makes you feel less than. I would guess that approximately 10 percent of the touching I experience in an average night is Subtractive. Some nights are better, others are worse. Generally, these touches get temporarily balanced out by the preponderance of Neutral Touch and the covalent Additive Touch. Real problems can come up pretty fast on the nights when this isn’t the case.

Neutral Touch

In a rough estimate, I would say 80 percent of the touches in an evening are Neutral: They do not please or offend me. They require only as much time and attention as the value of the tip they entail. And they are completed without any regret or celebration. They simply are what they are: A transaction. Here are your onion rings, that will be $1.79. The problem with Neutral Touch is that it is repetitive. It is connected to the largest part of your earnings, which is good, but it is also numbing, which is bad.

It is important to find ways to rejeuvenate your senses throughout your shift, so that you do not become zombie-like. Once at Swinging Richards a patron had his hand cupping my testicles for a good 60 seconds or more while we were talking about politics before I realized it was happening: “Your hand is on my balls.” “Yep.” “How long has it been there?” “Oh, nearing a minute, I suppose.” “Wow… You are going to tip me eventually, right?” (One of the stupidest dollars I ever earned. LOL… click dont-touch-those for a funny wav file: NOT SAFE FOR WORK) That’s a good example of what not to allow Neutral Touch to become. In most all instances, however, Neutral Touch is polite, discreet, respectful, and superficially flattering. It can teeter over into Negative if not properly managed.

Additive Touch

This is absolutely essential. You really must experience enough Additive Touch to completely balance the Subtractive and to enliven the Neutral. As with Subtractive, about 10 percent of the touch I experience in a shift makes me feel attractive, strong, genuinely appreciated, and complemented beyond simple flattery. It is important to note, however, that if you do not get enough restoration while at work, you really must find a means to get it from some other source.

I will admit it candidly: My feelings get hurt very easily. I am not thick-skinned. I need more than 10 percent Additive Touch to renew me. I also workout 2-4 times each week for 45-75 minutes/session. I don’t exercise alot, but I exercise intensely. These two issues together mean that I can reasonably “justify” a particular “splurge” that I am nearly absolutely committed to: I get a 60/120-minute massage once a week from my friend Ron, who has one of the most gifted healing touches I’ve ever experienced.

There are other types of Additive Touch. If you have a lover or someone whom you trust, let that person put hands on you in a non-sexual but intimate manner. Perhaps they will let you lay back, and will simply stroke your face with the backs of their fingers while you listen to soft music? Or maybe they put one hand over your heart and another over your navel with essential oils? It is important to allow yourself to experience this type of healing, so that your body/mind/heart/soul does not connect all physical contact to something sexual (which is completely inaccurate/inapproptiate in most instances outside of your shift).

Additive Touch puts gas in your tank, so to speak. It airs out your house. Think of whatever Additive Touch you get beyond work as a vitamin that nourishes you. If the hundreds or thousands of touches you experience in a week/weekend are the repetitions and sets you do at the gym, then the massage/friendly hand holding/hugs from Mom that you take in during the off hours is the supplement that feeds your system.

A final suggestion, for your Additive Touch therapy: When you do have sex, try to make it as organic (but safe), passionate, and emotionally invested (even if only temporarily) as possible. You don’t want to hurt someone else in the process of healing yourself, so if necessary make it clear that although the sex you are about to have may rupture the time-space continuum, it isn’t anything that it isn’t. You don’t want to lead someone down the wrong path if you aren’t feeling residually more than you are momentarily, but you also do not want your entire sexuality to devolve into a series of automatic, mechical actions. Live succulently!

I’ve not talked too much about the competitive nature of what I do. I’ve mentioned office drama vaguely. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned it directly at all. Perhaps a few instances here and there of “if you see others doing well, and you’re not, don’t take it personally…” But I don’t recall ever mentioning what the dressing room is like…

It’s definitely dependent on the club and the environment it creates for itself, its patrons, and its staff. PT1109 in Columbia, SC is very friendly, in my opinion. For the most part the patrons are very good natured, the bartenders are supportive of the dancers, the owner is a no-nonsense type of dude, and 90% of the dancers are laid back. Every now and then we get an asshole in there, but they don’t last long at PT1109. That bar is definitely the kind of place where attitude isn’t rewarded much, no matter how big your muscles are.

Conversely, Swinging Richards can sometimes feel like a fucking beauty pageant backstage. What a bunch of stupid drama!! And men have the audacity to call women gossipy?? These straight guys cease being sexy the moment they walk back stage and start talking… ugh! For the most part we all get along very well in Atlanta, or live and let live; however, there are a few guys who should be glad they’re so much bigger than me. There are a few who really need a good, swift kick in the butt. They tend to be the same ones who sabatoge the dancers they don’t like. Gotta watch ‘em…  I’ve also experienced some haters at The Castle in Greenville – former dancers… go figure.

It can be discouraging when you aren’t comfortable with your coworkers. It can get downright ugly when you have good reason to believe someone is actually undermining you on purpose. I know I’ve painted a portrait of myself as someone who is very nice (because I am), but I do not tolerate people being destructive to me in this particular manner. I’ve tolerated other forms of abuse, but I have zero patience for other dancers (or former dancers) doing or saying anything to make me look bad to patrons. Devon to Diva in about 2.3 seconds flat. Miss Thang does know how to raise an eyebrow at a bitchy strippa.

What then do you do? It’s best to first try to talk to the person/people in question, to make certain that there’s not a misunderstanding that can’t be fixed among peers. Most of the time instigators will back off really fast – people know when they’re in the wrong. If polite inquiry doesn’t help, then I start channeling Miss Jackson. I do this so rarely that it tends to accomplish what Southern Charm doesn’t. In only a few instances have I had to speak to a Booking Manager or some other figure of authority.

If you are going to dance at a club or event where there are other dancers, you simply have to accept that there will be competition. Scotty and I have a friendly competition – we stay in shape, we check in with each other, we encourage each other, I tell Scotty if a patron tells me Scotty is hot (and vice versa), and we are happy for each other when either or both do well.

Sadly, competition isn’t always friendly. Some people do not appreciate the value of collaboration. They are too selfish to see that they will do better if everyone on the team looks good. Would you go buy a car at a lot with one nice vehicle and 30 jallopies? Or would you be more likely to go shop at a place where the lot can offer you your choice of sports cars? I guess some strippers are just ignorant. Whatever.

If you find yourself confronted by a destructive dancer, former dancer, patron, staff member… It’s often best to behave better, so that their criticisms look empty. How can anyone believe an ugly-acting person when you yourself are so charming, polite, beguiling, sexy, and friendly to the people who are slandering you. In almost every case I have found that the person hating on you makes himself look way worse than anything he could do to you. In fact, I have had friends of haters come up and tip or compliment me, specifically so that I and others wouldn’t lump them in with the person causing the problem.

Where is the love? It’s in you. It’s also in the people who end up being sympathetic/empathetic to you for being the “victim” of malice. People tend to side with the person targeted, not the person who is being aggressive. You will probably not win people’s minds over by being confrontational. If someone says you’re gross, unattractive, dirty, stupid, whorish, etc., and you get mean… it will, on some level, confirm in the minds of others that you must, after all, be the brutish piece of trash they thought you were. Reasonable people generally can’t help but respond constructively to maturity and positivity.

You know who you are. Forget the haters. The ones you should be most dismissive of (in the kindest manner possible), are the former dancers who wish they were still the center of attention, but are not. These people are acting out because of jealousy. Whatever they are saying about you probably has no basis in reality. Let it go, and keep connecting with the people who do like you (see the flip-side to all this: “Here is the love!”).

Yesterday I went through the narcissistic process of showing how my body has changed over the last few years. The reason I did that is so that today’s posting would have more weight (no pun intended… oh alright, yes it was intended).

Those of you who have read my postings about Swinging Richards know that I’ve had a few rough patches there, in terms of how the place affects my self-esteem. However, I have come full circle. It is time to create new ads for the club, and therefore it is time to take new pictures. Some of the dancers are asked to participate in various shoots.

I have been asked to do a photoshoot for Swinging Richards. If the shoot yields any images worth keeping, then I may very well end up becoming one of the posterboys for the club. The advertising shows up in places like the Damron Guide, and in ad campaigns in other various local, regional, national, and international publications. I won’t get paid for the shoot, but my name would be in any ads with my picture in them, so people could ask for me specifically. I’m excited, not only because of the compliment and potential visibility, but because it means the powers-that-be think I’d represent them well.

I’ll keep you posted on developments. It will take weeks or months, so don’t expect to hear about this again immediately. Oh, and per a request from a reader, I’m going to work on getting some videos of me posted on Youtube. I tried last night, but their server never completed the upload process. Is this a common problem?