Devon Hunter

I just wanted to give an update on all this. I was in the middle of shooting my scene at HotHouse with Gavin Waters when I got the email from a reader informing me about Sean Cody and QueerClick revealing my legal name. A minute later Gavin got the text telling him that his ex girlfriend had outed him as a porn model. That was an interesting scene to try to finish. I’ve never been able to watch it. I can look at each moment and remember too much about what I was actually feeling, and I don’t want to go back to that space. It’s a porn time capsule that I would prefer to leave buried.

When it all went down I have to admit I was a bit overwhelmed; however, I took time to myself as I needed, and around September the noise finally buzzed itself out. At any rate, I ended up doing almost a dozen videos last year, despite the predictions of Sean Cody’s disciples. It was funny for them to say, “You’ll never work again!” because I could reply, “The scene with (insert model name) is going great today!” LOL I had a flourishing year as a companion, and I got to spend lots of time with high quality friends and clients. Except for that “blip,” 2010 was an amazing year. I even got engaged on December 21, but that symbolic process is already described on my blog. Also, I am one payment away from bringing the balance to ZERO on the $30k fraud from my last boyfriend (whom I left in October 2006). Yes, I’m doing just fine without Sean Cody.

So, 2011 started with a visit from a great friend from Minneapolis. The day I took her back to the airport, however, my Grampa passed away. It’s kinda amazing how you pull energy and inspiration from life’s various experiences. It’s taken some weeks to get back into balanced head space, but I’m feeling amazing again. I’m so happy! There’s both good and bad stress, you know? At any rate, I’m feeling very energized, and I have all sorts of creative projects in mind. Specifically I am working on getting the dance company involved in performances outside our home geographic region, putting the plans together to start a gay-affirming adult media company (the home video I shot with DavidSF was an experiment in minimalism that I enjoyed), and collaborating with a composer friend to create an album of spoken word, poetry, songs, and other audio treats. I’m also achieving my goal of seeing fewer clients for longer appointments, and THAT is wonderful: There is so much more to exchange in those types of meetings. If you book only 1-hours, consider going longer with the guys you like: There’s so much more to gain.

Anyway, I plan in the future to give Sean Cody and the other homophobic “amateur” sites a nice square punch in the gut (and yes, some of the other sites are just as bad). Competition is beautiful, yes? They have stopped their vagina monologues at the beginning of the scenes at Sean Cody, because I was a “gold star gay” in their ass. I am quite proud to have embarrassed them into doing what is right. The day I finally get this media company going online, I am quite happy to say that I don’t see how they’ll be able to show their faces in public once my business model, process, and structure are known. Their intent in revealing my legal name was to ruin me; however, they don’t know the first thing about me, if they think I respond to bullying by running away. Six months ago they started the process of ruining themselves, because they inadvertently inspired me to make work better than their own.

“From ghosties and ghoulies and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord deliver us.”

We all have our demons. I am definitely not an exception. I still have a particular monster under my bed. (I would say I have a skeleton in my closet, but the door is wide open, and nearly all those have come clattering out onto the floor.) But to stretch this extended metaphor to its breaking point, I will say that I am still haunted.

I have been eating irregularly again.

I thought I’d completely contended with the anorexic tendencies, but they are back. And it helps to talk about it, to examine it, and to get it out of my head. It’s like clearing the cobwebs out of a spooky house. I am eating as I type this, in a bid to reverse the habit that has been coalescing since Sean Cody published my legal name. Over the last several weeks I found myself falling into a familiar thought process: “Oh, it’s too much trouble to eat. I’ll just put it off. What I’m doing at this moment is far more important (plus I’ll look better, too).” That last part is what betrays the underlying problem. The rest of that notion is fairly typical to American workers… but the last part… I have to break this cycle NOW. I have accidentally initiated a process of feast and famine, and it’s wrecking my mood and wellness.

Looking at what might have triggered this, I have to say it’s pretty obvious: My stress levels went up dramatically just before my birthday, and have never really diminished completely. At the exact same time that everything was happening with the gay porn blogosphere in June and July 2010, both Gramma and Dad went into the hospital on my birthday. Dad has recovered, but Gramma has not, and it’s wearing Mom out (who is getting almost no help from her brothers, which is pissing me off more and more). While I was trying to take a break and retreat from everything for a couple weeks, I ended up having to contend with various types of emotional traumas simultaneously, and my response was to stop eating properly (to say nothing of my drinking water and sleeping enough). All of it together has thrown me into a bit of a tailspin, and my sense of happiness and optimism have definitely taken a hard knock. In addition to these factors, the trolls guarding the G4P bridges on the intrawebzes got in some painful licks: It was extremely jarring to have so much homophobia lumped on me by my own people. I admit it: That hurt.

It’s an odd addiction, attention. When I was getting far too much of it, I just wanted it to go away; however, there’s some kind of reality-show-need to maintain it (despite the fact that I didn’t want it in the first place). I feel a little bit like a used car: I’ve been afraid of becoming an obsolete model after having been driven hard by too many reckless drivers. It isn’t that I care specifically about becoming a porn star, but I have been fretting over preventing the prediction of my detractors: I have been trying to stave off their desire for me to fail in my video endeavors. But it isn’t for these anonymous “people” to define my happiness or my success – I have given them a power that isn’t theirs.

And so, as you can see, doing porn is also contributing to this eating situation: I am constantly worrying that I look ridiculous next to my scene partners, that I look utterly disgusting next to their beauty. (But my agent told me that nearly everyone in porn suffers these same insecurities.) Part of the problem in maintaining a strenuous diet is trying to stay in tip top shape constantly, so that I can be ready at a moment’s notice if I get a call for a scene. I haven’t allowed myself enough down time to rest and enjoy food. It’s irritating, because they call when I’ve been enjoying desserts too much for two weeks, but when I am a good boy I don’t hear from them. I had a carb meltdown yesterday and ate half a box of Golden Grahams. Sigh. Watch them call me in three days once the puffiness sets in around my bellybutton…

It was my goal to do 10 scenes. I have already done 11 (nine of them this year, AFTER the bullshit with Sean Cody… so MNAH!), and I feel the need to dig my heels in and remind myself that I am an escort who has done some porn. I’m not a porn model who sometimes escorts. I did what I set out to do. There are now examples of me in a variety of scenarios. Worrying about whether or not I will get more scenes has become too much of a priority. I can check off the porn item on my Adult Entertainment To Do list.

I am going to put the focus back where it belongs: On being happy. And I was happy when I wasn’t worrying about proving something to a bunch of assholes I’ll never meet (thank the Goddess for small miracles). If I continue to do video work, great. And if not, okay. I will accept reasonable video offers for scenes that don’t diminish me as a person or cloud the clarity of my brand, so long as the dates don’t conflict with my travel plans; I will continue spending time with the people who enjoy my company; and I am going to calm this porn noise by reconnecting to a spiritual practice that I have recently neglected.

Besides, I have other concerns: A Greek Orthodox Monk is on his way over to my apartment to talk to me about the plot for a musical he wants to write. And he’s using my poetry to do it. I think that is far more interesting than whether or not I’m given the nod of approval from a group of rampant consumers who are impossible to please.

Speaking of rampant consumers: I’m hungry. I’m going to go eat some more. I’m making a conscious effort to exorcise this demon.

Last night I had a fantastic party at my place. Friends, family, and neighbors all came over to see my apartment, and we did some early birthday celebrating. I really felt surrounded by happiness. It wasn’t a housewarming as much as it was a heartwarming. I know some pretty fucking awesome people, and I hope you do as well.

I am writing this specifically for the people (friends, family, clients, acquaintances, readers, etc.) who have been calling, emailing, and texting. I have tried to reply to each individual, because I don’t want people worrying about me; however, it’s hard to keep up with the outpouring of support. It’s amazing to have so many people express that. It really is. Thank you!

I want you all to know, if you ever doubted it, that I am made of pretty strong stuff. I apologize if my recent blogging has created a “conversation” in the broader blogosphere that has upset you or caused you worry. I am doing perfectly fine, and I embrace you (even if I haven’t been able to say it to you directly).

It will be in other parties’ interest to make me look as bad as possible (in the eventuality of further action), but my testament is still posted here without revisions. Hopefully THAT tells you what you need to know. I wish you well, and thank you for your encouragement.

NOTE:

If you care to pose alternative observations to those I state on my blog, you are welcome and invited to submit your comments ON THE CONDITION THAT YOU REMAIN CIVIL. I have heard through friends that I am being criticized for not allowing more contrary discussion here. Let me be frank: This is MY blog, and it has a purpose. That purpose is not to allow anonymous strangers to vomit acid all over me. If you care to join the discussion from a different perspective, please do so with intelligence and a calm voice. If you recontextualize your comments within a framework of dialogue, rather than hysterical ranting, I will be quite happy to approve your comments.

So, I have often said that taking breaks is important, but if you have ever looked at my itinerary you will know that I don’t do this often enough. Burn out! OMG! One reason I blog is to hold myself accountable: If I put it out publically, I feel more obliged to stand up to my ideals. LOL

I am going to commit to taking a weekend off each month. It will either be the first or last weekend of each month. I have already published my travel plans through August, and I don’t want to mess with that anymore. I have a break in June and July, so I will fulfill August and start with Devon’s Sabbath in September. (Although I anticipate treating Minneapolis like a break, because I will be visiting one of my favorite girlfriends up there, so that almost counts as a vacation, rather than a bidnizz ventcha.) I should give the monthy rest a cute name, so that those of you who keep up with me will get the inside joke.

I’m open to suggestions. What should we call my weekend off? Does her majesty “take refreshment and retirement?” HA! What would be the overly formalized term for resting used by the high queens of Europe? I know getting out of bed and getting dressed is “Attending to the Queen’s grand toilet,” but how does one say poetically that I’m going to sit on my ass and eat bonbons while watching “Lord of the Rings?”

When I was first considering the transition out of the clubs and into escorting I wanted to do a lot of research first. Although it needs a new edition to update it with current technology, Aaron Lawrence’s “Getting Rich the Hard Way” was very helpful. Some of the conversations at Daddy’s blog were also informative, but a great deal of sifting is sometimes necessary to find the gems in all the silt. But what has been most helpful is having friends who do what I do.

But I’m pretty much settled into the profession now. So the reason I bring this up is because lately I’ve been getting emails from other escorts, each for different reasons. Some want to hook up, others want advice. A couple lately want to compare notes on different towns, and (I’m happy to say) a few would like to become acquainted in order to be potential friends.

Perhaps it’s an irony others haven’t considered, but despite all the intimate connections I make, I do still sometimes feel isolated. I don’t know if that’s something I create within myself, or if it’s something other companions experience too. At any rate, it really is good to have people around who can do “office talk.” LOL Everyone needs a community, n’est-ce pas? I’m glad to be hearing from other werkin’ boiz, and I hope it will yield some strong bonds.

I guess the reason I mentioned this at all is because I’ve been under quite a bit of stress lately, and it feels good to be branching out socially as a balance against that. Sometimes this career feels like a never-ending beauty pagaent with all the guys vying for Miss Congeniality, but most coming up short for the title. It is good to know that there are quite a few real people out there, and that they don’t want isolation. Here’s to new friends in 2010!