The online diary of a gay courtesan.

I work in a service-based industry (ahem). And this means that I, as much as (if not more than) anyone else in customer service, have to contend with the maxim “The customer is always right;” however, I find that I need to express some thoughts about this, given the extremely personal nature of my business. Although all salesmen know “the customer is always right,” they also know that this is always true (except for when the customer is wrong).

I think that it is important to remember that adult entertainers are people (indeed, this has been my underlying mantra since the day I first started writing this blog). As such, it is a client’s responsibility to remember certain boundaries and to use good manners. If you make an appointment, you should keep it. Being flippant about this very important detail belies a complete lack of respect and is fairly intolerable (whether the escort is new and vulnerable or established and accommodating). Vacillating on the time, expressing new expectations/interests at the last minute, or asking for lots of extra discussion (once everything has already been clearly arranged) are obstacles to the escort enjoying his time with you. Also, escorts (with some exceptions) are not your significant others: Jealousy is very unbecoming.

This weekend I had to re-establish the boundaries with multiple clients who had been testing the limits of my large reserve of patience. I am fairly certain I will not hear from either of them again, and (as anyone in business will tell you) there are some clients who are better left to find other vendors. They cause more trouble, demand more time/attention/energy, drain more personal resources, and/or impose too much of their political/personal beliefs, and become more of a liability than an asset. Most clients are awesome: They are respectful, conscientious, and well-mannered people who mind boundaries, because they want theirs remembered in return. But sometimes you will meet a client who costs you more than he keeps you.

I do not like being stern and impatient, but once I have been generous of my time and energy for weeks or months and have seen no results (or multiple cancellations), I have to finally accept that someone is a time waster. Beware of potential clients for whom there are always complications and/or excuses. Treat them with respect, but do not allow them to fritter away your energy.

Okay, a little background about what’s going on lately. I’ve been pretty open about being an escort with just about everyone. I tend to treat it the way Madonna did when pictures of her came out in Penthouse way back in 1985. Her response was something on the order of, “Yeah. And?” It kinda killed that particular controversy.

I didn’t become an escort to shock people. In fact that has nothing to do with it at all. I embraced it knowing it would be controversial, but I didn’t make the choice for controversy’s sake. And it’s a good thing, too: No one I’ve met thus far has been particularly shocked. Not that I’m disappointed, but it’s rather surprising. Family, potential partners, friends, and readers all have the same response: “Okay, just be careful. I’m not gonna judge you.”

This is fabulous on the one hand, but it raises a question on the other: Have we, on some level at least, moved into the post-controversy era? Have so many people been exposed as adult video models and exotic dancers on American Idol that no one cares anymore? Did reality TV finally drive the first nail into the coffin of prudence/prurience? I certainly hope so.

As far as family goes: Mom knows. So does Gramma. My sister knows. I told Dad, and he took it as a compliment to himself that his son is a “stud” (even though I’m adopted, and it’s not his genes at work per se). I’ve not told Dad’s mother, because although she is probably a teensy bit more liberal than she pretends, she does still send me conservative political emails about what Rush Limbaugh “thinks,” so I just don’t wanna go there right now. I’ve not told my uncles, but I’m not close enough to most of them for it to matter, and Uncle Greg would probably just laugh and give me his rendition of the Celtic Warriors’ greeting (which is using the heel of the palm to rub quick circles in the center of the friend’s chest while grunting “AAAAAARGH!”).

My friends haven’t judged me negatively at all. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Not a single one is anything but supportive.

In terms of personal relationships with other men: I didn’t escort until after breaking it off with Steve last summer, so there was no one to tell until Matt back in December. He didn’t care about that. He has other issues, but my escorting isn’t one of them. “J” (someone I’ve talked to on and off for nearly four years, but never dated) decided to finally pursue me right in the middle of this Matt situation, and he isn’t offended (in fact, he asked if I thought he could use escorting to pay off his house). “A” is another guy who has shown interest, both in me and in escorting. Shawn, a model in D.C., is definitely not put off by it. In short, while I’m trying to heal from Matt there are people pursuing me who aren’t allowing my being a courtesan to dissuade them in the least. How fucking irritating! OMG!

To put all this into context, a reader in Canada named Doug shows my blog to his mother. Doug is about Mom’s age, if not a few years older. His mother is thus older than Gramma. She said to Doug that I am “possessed of the refined sensibilities that demand a well-appointed house.” Aside from being utterly charming in an Old World Colonial manner, her comment shows that even Canadians of a certain age don’t care about all this (but they have a vastly different sexual culture north of the U.S. border). She went on to say that I “should marry a doctor.” Doug is going to ask her advice for me on finding a well-appointed man. She is concerned about my safety in escorting, to which I replied, “I meet worse men dating than I ever have escorting.” Doug’s father has said, “When men say they love you, remember that they also love Ketchup.” Mhm. Perhaps I should stop threatening to move to Canada and just do it?

So, all in all, I’ve been expecting a big hullabaloo, but society at large has given me the Madonna treatment: Yeah. And?

I think I’m completed elated by this.

PS

Don’t forget to place your vote for Best Escort Blog for the 2010 Hookies by visiting my ad on Rentboy! The check boxes are at the bottom of the righthand sidebar.

Hello Devon,

I just saw a bit of your Rentmen video interview, and have glanced at your blog.  This was enough to send you a “thank you” for your honesty, and for representing someone with talent and intelligence in the adult field.  Your pictures are great, and I believe you promised more adult work to come.  I got a “boner” when you described escorting as a “promotion” you had given yourself.

My background is also in the performing arts, and I am contemplating more adult work (I have done some), in order to help me with a career change that I have already started, toward graphic/digital design.  I am now contemplating a committed effort toward more videos and escorting in order to continue this effort, and so I found your profile to be inspiring and helpful.

I do wonder if you have felt respected in your work, since you seemed to indicate that some clients are not very nice.  I have noticed a lot of judgmental gays, even though they pay for companionship and are avid consumers of porn.  I imagine you must be finding your way, or you would not have done the video interview.

Good luck to you,

Sonny

Hello Sonny,

First, thank you for taking the time to write such a gracious letter to me. You (and many of my colleagues) prove the point I seek to make: Adult Entertainers can be (and often are) just as intelligent, kind, educated, hard working, and polite as anyone else. The voice in your email is a smart one, and I am excited to hear from someone whose story is so similar to mine.

As to your question concerning respect. I have danced in clubs, done videos, and escorted. Each is satisfying in its own way, but each also attracts criticism in its own way. Of the three, the dancing created the most numerous opportunities for disrespect (because of the face-to-face interaction with so many people); the videos provided the most public airing of insults (see: -1 + 1 = 0); and the escorting has created the most personalized forms of disrespect (given the very intimate nature of the interactions).

When you are dancing (nearly) nude, you will be open to all sorts of potshots from people in the audience. When you are on the internet this is also the case, but the people saying whatever comes to their small minds will be published for the world to see (and you probably won’t have had the pleasure of meeting the anonymous hypocrite[s] in question). And when you escort you may find yourself at the whim of timewasters and powerhungry clients who seek to dominate you with issues surrounding money.

My advice is this: If you dance, be as friendly as you can without allowing people to take advantage of you. Your bar should have a “no harrassment” policy in place. If someone is disrespectful and/or violent toward you, have his sorry ass ejected and/or banned. Do not work for a club that doesn’t support you in this manner.

If you are going to do video, you have to simply own that there is a whole strand of the human population that thrives on negativity. Make the choice to not read the discussion boards (e.g. SeanCodyReviews.com, JustUsBoys.com, etc.). They are full of unhelpful, stupid, and mean commentary that will do nothing to make you better as a person, artist, or entertainer. Look for constructive criticism, but do not look for it in those review boards.

And finally: If you decide to go into escorting, I would strongly advise that you NOT look to the forum at Daddy’s Reviews. Contact escorts directly with questions. The threads at Daddy’s take on a decidedly confrontational tone at all turns, and any value in the information you might find there gets drowned out by the ridiculous flame wars and peevish attitudes of most of the clients there (many of whom do not even hire, but merely spout off threats to not hire you if you have the audacity to formulate your own thoughts). There is very little input from escorts on those threads anymore, because most of us don’t feel like being harrassed with arguments. Listen to the advice I ignored: Do not become involved at Daddy’s. You will gain nothing from the exchanges.

Ultimately you have to define your terms for yourself. I am not obliged for any reason whatsoever to be anyone for someone else. I am Devon Hunter. You have to be Sonny. You cannot maintain any other facade. Be exactly who you are (while still being professional and kind), and extend to people the respect you want from them. But remember my platinum rule: Do unto YOURSELF as you would have others do unto you. Do not tolerate attacks to your sense of self just for money. There are lots of clients who will treat you nicely, so do not feel obligated to put up with those who would transform you into something you are not.

I wish you success,

Devon

Devon Hunter: How do you want readers to know you? What name do you use, what is the name of your site, and what is the address online for it?
Lars: I am Lars. I actually have two sites I created to help the escort industry: One is for escorts (http://blacklistednow.blogspot.com) and one is for clients (http://beforeyoucome.blogspot.com). I think you were contacting me about BlackListedNow, so I’ll try and answer your questions here pertaining to that site.

DH: What is the purpose of your site?
Lars: BlackListedNow helps warn other escorts about problem clients. Clients who don’t show up for appointments, clients who lack respect when dealing with escorts, clients who don’t pay escorts, and of course, more serious situations (such as a client saying he’s going to use a condom, but then doesn’t; or a client who mentally or physically harms an escort).

DH: Is there a particular experience that finally made you feel compelled to create your page?
Lars: I have a number of friends who are escorts, and I felt bad for them when I would hear that they had a “no show.” I used to work in the industry, and I know how frustrating it is to get all ready for an appointment, only to have someone not even show up. It’s also quite rude.

I think it’s important to mention here that there are several sites that review male escorts (DaddysReviews.com being the most famous). But BlackListedNow is the only site that deals with negative clients specifically for the benefit of male escorts.

DH: Do you envision your site being used by other types of adult entertainers besides male escorts?
Lars: Not sure which other entertainers you mean. I’m thinking about porn models or exotic dancers. In order to put the negative client’s information “out there” you would need something that they don’t want the public to see, like a phone number. Male dancers, for example, don’t easily get that sort of information from their audience members.

DH: Do male escorts with problems with female clients ever post, or has it been all same-sex situations?
Lars: To date I think the website only shows issues with male clients. Negative situations with women do exist, but perhaps they’re not the same issues that I’ve described above. Perhaps guys feel they’re not appropriate to post on the site?

DH: Have you found that escorts feel empowered by creating a form of accountability for clients who disrespect them?
Lars: Absolutely. I hear this in feedback from them, time and time again.

DH: Are there protocols in place to make sure miffed escorts aren’t simply being vindictive towards someone who doesn’t deserve to be black listed?
Lars: To be honest with you, I don’t think that happens often. Escorts have their hands full, and
being vindictive takes time. In this industry, time really is money. To put one’s effort and time towards a client who didn’t really do anything wrong is to take time from appointments, prepping for appointments, advertising, working out, grooming, keeping one’s place clean, dealing with toys after their use, and the other demands that go on in an escort’s life.

Having said that, I will also say that there have been exactly two times when a client has contacted me to say he disagreed with the escort’s post. Those times I’ve contacted the escort to see if I could help work it out, and both times their contact information didn’t go through. I ended up pulling the original complaints. It’s not a perfect solution, but it seemed reasonable to me.

DH: Right now your site is specific to Washington, D.C. Are there any plans to expand it, so that people in other areas can make use of the board?
Lars: If someone contacts me and shows me they have a relationship to D.C., they are on it. For example, I recently had an escort from D.C. who was working in Dallas for a week, and he had an issue with a guy there – I posted that. I don’t have plans to expand it nationwide, unless someone wants to get behind me financially and back such a venture…

DH: How much effort does it require on your part to maintain the site, and does this affect your vision of how it might evolve?
Lars: I started this to help other escorts in the D.C./Maryland/Virginia areas. It’s still relatively small, because I’ve gotten area-specific. So it doesn’t really take too much time. I don’t get paid for doing this, so I’m not interested in having it grow more unless (sorry to repeat myself here) a financial backer came along.

DH: What direct/indirect benefits does your page provide to a) Adult entertainers, b) yourself, c) potential clients, and do you have any ambition to promote your site to further legal/social causes connected to sex workers in your area (or on a larger scale)?
Lars: I’ll take the second question first. I would be open to promoting the site to further legal/social causes connected to sex workers, but I’m not doing anything with that right now (if anyone has any ideas out there, contact me on that, please!)

There are three main benefits for escorts. One is that they gain a feeling of empowerment. The second is that if the client wants to work the negative situation out with the escort, they can do so, which usually results in a monetary compensation to the escort. The third benefit is more indirect: This sort of site helps to foster greater respect from clients. After all, any truly good relationship is built on mutual respect – and that is something many people seem to forget when hiring escorts.
As for potential clients… well, I think it might actually scare some clients away from hiring anyone, for fear of getting blacklisted. But in an indirect way, I’d like to believe that it benefits potential clients by boosting the transaction up a bit – I mean, making it more respectful. When people need to be accountable for their actions, everyone benefits. I suppose it indirectly affects everyone, because the industry ultimately becomes more professional.

OMG

I mean, really?

I feel like I need a personal assistant. It’s quickly gotten to where I can’t keep up with everything anymore, and I guess that’s a great problem to have; however, I can’t even find time to go to the mailbox and get the junk mail out of the way. I was called by my car insurance company who received their bill back. I’d forgotten about junk mail, and now I’m not getting my real mail!

Okay, that can be fixed.

Anyway, I finally settled into my apartment, and it looks FABULOUS. I love it! I picked what I thought was a burgundy swatch, but now that it’s on TWO FULL WALLS it’s actually stop-sign, cherry bomb RED. But it still works, since my bric-a-brac has enough muted colors to tone it down. I’ll have to take a picture and post it some time.

Oh, and if you’ve sent email and not heard back from me, please, please, please don’t take it personally. I’m evidently a superstar now (except if I were actually that important I wouldn’t know that my car insurance bill had been returned, because my personal assistant would have handled it for me). Sigh.

OH OH OH, before I forget: I still adore the sapphires I bought myself at Yule last year… and just to make sure they don’t get lonely, I’m going to adopt the diamonds that match them. HA! The red sapphires interspersed with black sapphires are also lovely… Hmmmm…

Anyway, this was alot of non sequiturs, because that’s the state of my mind lately… I know this entry probably comes across as rampant, frivolous, and in many ways out of character, but I just needed to blurt some stuff out and get anything new onto the blog. My apologies for not saying anything worth responding to. But I did want to just check in and let you all know that I’m still zipping around (bookings, performances for theatre arts and rehearsals for these performances, moving/settling, travelling for career, working out, and change, Change, CHANGE has made me neglect the blog and my memoires… gotta get back on track with all this).

Anybody wanna be my gopher??

ps

Remind me to tell you how bad the people at Cody Media pissed me off last week >:(