Devon Hunter

Hello, Devon! Just wanted to quickly offer some overdue thanks to you! I’m not sure if you remember our couple email exchanges–it’s been a while. You offered some great advice to me on accepting myself and allowing people to know me fully and authentically. And getting to know myself at that level as well. Well, that really, really stuck with me! Like really! Long story short–I’m gay. I’ve accepted and embraced that it’s part of who I am. And, very recently, I’ve told some friends and, most importantly, my mom and dad. I’m still on this new journey. I’ve sorta met someone. Life is good! Authenticity is a beautiful thing! You played a part with your kind, encouraging and wisdom-filled email and I just wanted to take this opportunity express my sincere thanks and gratitude. I very much appreciate you taking a bit of time those months back and offering your thoughts. In many ways your words were life-changing! Thank you! And best of luck in this upcoming endeavor. I’m looking forward to reading about it and seeing it succeed! Take care! Joey

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Hello Joey! I am really glad that you are in such a happy place, and I think this is a great example of how honesty is liberating. Sure, you have to own the consequences of putting yourself “out there,” but at least you’re finally “out there” instead of trapped “in here.” You didn’t specify how people (especially your parents) are handling your truth, but I hope that even if they aren’t bursting with enthusiasm for you, that they are at least not being destructive or cold. In any event, it sounds like you have taken a brave step, and that you are being rewarded with a fulfilling journey. I don’t want to put too much weight in absolute terms (e.g. all, none, always, never, etc.), but it certainly seems that self-acceptance is generally going to be the healthier, happier road. I wish you continued success and happiness! Take Care! Devon

So, if you are ever interested, you can see here how I have discussed an ongoing eating issue. I’m not going to go into it here, and I’m not going to post links, because a lot of that history is embarrassing and painful, and I don’t feel like looking at it right now (especially when I have such good news). If you want to know more on the “back story” of this, you can do a search at the bottom of the page for “anorexia,” “dysmorphia,” or “eating disorder.” I don’t want to dwell on that, so you’ll have to go look it up yourself.

Okay, so I had an “AHA!” right in the middle of starting Part 2 of 13 for the Establishing a Career in Adult Entertainment series (I will do that either today or tomorrow). For quite a while I’ve had zero trouble with eating and remembering to eat. I’ve been enjoying food, and everything has been awesome; however, for the past three weeks I have simply dropped off completely from eating regularly, eating only when other people suggest it. And what was particularly scary yesterday is that I felt empowered and beautiful because of it. NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL.

Then I made a series of connections that I can’t believe I never understood before…

When I was nine years old I had two falls one after the other. I fell out of a tree, landed on my back across a root, and knocked the wind out of myself. About two days later I was swinging on some scaffolding at a friend’s house. I was trying to show Jamie some new stuff I’d learned for the high bar at gymnastics, my hands slipped, and a fell across a lower beam, striking the exact same spot in my back. Obviously, I was a bouncing baby boy. Ever since then I have had a vertebral subluxation at the level of Thoracic-6 (T6). You can actually see it: My spine disappears there when you look at me from behind.

This misalignment eventually caused me all sorts of problems as a dancer, and I started seeing a chiropractor in college. College, if you’ll remember, is when my weight was at its lowest: I had gotten down to 111 pounds during my sophomore year (I currently weight almost 150 pounds, so imagine me 40 pounds lighter). It was bad. But in retrospect, I remember always being hungry immediately after an adjustment and finding a way to tolerate the horrendous food at the college cafeteria. Years pass and I now go to my massage therapist on a weekly basis. Every time Ron presses on a certain point in my neck, the action releases the tension in my mid-back, and I get ravenously hungry. Okay, here is where the “AHA!” happens.

Three weeks ago I tweaked my neck/back during sleep, but I also had to cancel both my massage and chiropractor appointments for two weeks in a row. The pain went away, and I thought my vertebrae had moved back into alignment on their own. I didn’t realize I’d stopped eating enough over the course of weeks. Yesterday, as I was about to blog for Part 2, my phone’s alarm went off reminding me to eat prior to working out. I realized I’d not eaten at that point for 28 hours, and that although I had a remote notion of needing food, I wasn’t particularly hungry, the thought of food seemed abhorrent, and I felt as if I’d successfully vanquished the personality flaw of hunger. BAD BAD BAD. I made a point of going to the chiropractor yesterday, because I was feeling out of kilter, and I mentioned my suspicion that there was a connection between my spine, massage, and appetite.

Thoracic-6, the location of my subluxation, is the place where the nerve that feeds the stomach branches off from the spinal cord.

NO!

Yes…

In retrospect I realized that maintaining my back was helping to also maintain my appetite. Being a dancer and a model definitely added to the pressures of looking a certain way and maintaining a certain weight; however, I was aided in my self-destructive behavior by those residual injuries from when I was nine years old. Gymnastics, dance, working out, etc… All of that was knocking my T6 out of alignment all these years! This misalignment alone isn’t responsible for everything that was feeding my self-esteem issues; however, I now have a clear picture of one way that I can make a tangible improvement in all of this.

This is extraordinarily liberating. It is also helpful on a practical level. You see, I don’t (anymore) purposefully avoid eating, and I am not afraid (any longer) of food; however, there are times when I simply don’t get the impulse telling me I’m hungry, and when I’m busy (which is always) I simply forget to eat. I don’t realize I’m hungry, and after all those years of starving I know how to ignore the sensation without realizing I’m doing it. But some hints that I can recognize are the symptoms of hunger: I feel frantic, I can’t concentrate, my moods cascade through hundreds of unrelated and bizarre emotions in a matter of minutes, I get ANGRY over NOTHING, and my hands shake. Yesterday all that was happening, but I was actually resisting eating anyway.

My chiropractor put my back in alignment and within moments I was so hungry that I was afraid. The urgent need to eat hit me so fast and so hard that I almost passed out. I’d gone nearly 30 hours without ingesting anything AT ALL. And there it is: I have to maintain the alignment of my spine. It isn’t a fix for any emotional/psychological issues I have concerning appearance and self-esteem, but it is a practical aid that can remove part of the compounding factors that have caused me a great deal of angst.

Okay, I gotta go eat… later.

I got this amazing email today, and I wanted to share its spirit with you – I am continuously reminded how good people can be, and I hope this unexpected continuation on “True You” makes you feel as good as it does me. This message was sent in response to “True You, ” by Janet Jackson (part 1 of 3). My response will be part 3.

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“Hey young man,

I make no secret of the fact that I love Janet Jackson: OMFG ILOVEJANETDAMITAJOJACKSON! OMG!

I think she is one of the most amazing human beings. EVER. I know it’s excruciatingly melodramatic for some of you to bear it, but my eyes water up just typing about her. I admire her for her heart more than anything else, and I have never been a fan who liked her only when she was skinny. I continue to contend with my own eating and body issues (though they trouble me less than in years past, thankfully), so I have never been in a position to judge her on that front. In fact, her new book, “True You” (a self-help book about compassion-for-the-self and attaining-balance-through-setting-sensible-goals), makes me feel even more attuned to her as an artist: All this time when millions of people have thought her stunningly beautiful, she has seen only her “flaws.”

That blows my mind completely out of the water.

But it is EXACTLY the same conversation I’ve been having with myself and with many of the people closest to me over the years. How many times over the decades have I said, “I don’t like (insert perceived flaw),” only to have someone gasp or say incredulously, “But you’re amazing as you are?” It doesn’t matter what someone else tells you, if you don’t believe it. That’s why one of my meditations is: “I am so happy and grateful that I am maintaining or improving, as well as learning to see and appreciate, the beauty in me that so many others already exalt, and that I am humbly luxuriating in that Gift.”

Of all the many quotes I highlighted in Janet’s book, this is the one that sticks out the most for me: “Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Comparisons are almost always harmful. Comparisons mean there’s a winner and loser – and you’re the one who winds up feeling like a loser.”

True.

I really can’t think of a single instance during my past struggles with Anorexia or Dysmorphia, or my current struggles with feelings of inadequacy in Adult Entertainment, that didn’t grow out of comparison. But I also have to pat myself on the back in retrospect: There have been many situations where I recognized that contests, auditions, competitions, and/or pageants would have done nothing but fuel a fire that was already burning hot enough, so I have mostly avoided them. I don’t win in those types of scenarios: My esteem doesn’t hold under that type of pressure. I am best when I do what I enjoy within its own context. I am most beautiful when I’m allowed to nurture my own sense of presence and style. I fail miserably almost every time I have to “win.” I hate winning. I love excelling. I flourish when I’m allowed to express my “true you,” and I generally get aggressive, defensive, belligerent, or pessimistic when I have to do something that will be judged against something or someone else. It’s one of the reasons that I have never played sports, despite being athletic. It’s the reason I detest gyms, despite being a trainer who works out with a trainer. It’s the reason I am quite content NOT to get nominated for video/escorting/blogging awards – God forbid I should “lose” publicly. I am very happy to leave awards to those with the audacity to sell themselves on Twitter for votes.

I loathe that type of activity. It doesn’t motivate me. It makes me feel inadequate, I cease to try, I don’t “win,” it reinforces why I didn’t want to do whatever it was in the first place, and then I’m left feeling bitter.

That’s why I have to remind myself from time to time, in various ways, that I don’t want or need to “win.” I get an incredible amount of satisfaction from a job well done (whatever I might be doing), and I prefer enjoying the intrinsic value of accomplishment (which cannot be taken), rather than getting accolades from others (which cannot be maintained).

I hope you have discovered, or on the path to discovering, your “true you.” I hope I’m getting closer to that, too. Thank you, Janet, for reminding me to continue growing. (See the response to this in Part 2 and Part 3).

(If I have set it up properly, this post will not be published until 12/21/2010 at 3:14 am. This is a very important moment for me, and I hope it goes off without a hitch…)

It has been the Winter Solstice for 3 hours and 14 minutes: HAPPY YULE!

It is the first day of winter: The season for rest, introspection, and planning. Tonight will be the longest night of the year, but winter also promises eventual light and warmth; however, today, at this moment, isn’t “just” Yule. Now is also the moment of the full moon. But, even more significant, there is a total lunar eclipse today at this moment, too! This is the first time this has happened since Yule, 1638!

Yule is the season of self examination. The full moon is a symbol of complete empowerment. Eclipses remind us of rebirth. Today holds a cosmic call to put all this together into one meditation: Knowing oneself allows a person to become a powerful newborn.

Yes! Today is the day to formally announce it: I am engaged to be married!

To myself.

I have asked me to marry me, and (after a year to consider it carefully) I have accepted my proposal to myself. I had to get to know myself for a year, because I didn’t want to freak out and reject myself.

Joking aside, this isn’t a cynical ploy to scorn others’ relationships or marriages. I’m not doing this to warden myself off from sex or future relationships with others. I am not doing this to please, anger, gratify, or perplex anyone. I have placed a diamond band on my finger (a solitaire will follow in 2012); I plan to court myself; I will take solemn vows before a spiritual mentor (as well as family and friends) to love, honor, and cherish myself; and I will take myself on a honeymoon.

I do all this for a very practical reason: I have chosen my boyfriends very poorly. I had no ability to be successful in a relationship. I gave until my integrated wellness was bankrupt.

I have been single for over four years, and I am VERY happy. But I also recognize that I will eventually need to relax my guard… And since rituals soothe and calm me, I have decided to recreate my reemergence into a formal process of training myself to value me properly, so I can then value another properly.

By going through this structured ritual of falling in love with myself, testifying before witnesses to honor myself, and beginning a new life as a person empowered to command respect, I am forcing myself to abide by the vows I will make. If, in front of people, I promise to take care of myself, then I must do it, or be a liar. I empower everyone who sees my marriage (live or via YouTube) on June 29, 2012 to rebuke me if I break my vows. Since I have not honored myself on my own, I am putting it outside of myself, so that I have to honor myself as a function of maintaining my word of honor before others.

In 18 months, just after the Summer Solstice, I will marry myself. By that time I will be free of debt. I will have more personal stability than ever before. I will have been single for nearly six years, and will have had the necessary distance from all my past relationships. I will be ready to try again. From beginning on the longest night I will finish on the longest day.

I do not regret taking this time to myself to be single. I luxuriate in being utterly myself on my own terms, without making compromises. I have needed that. This has been an incubation period: When I come back from my honeymoon, I will not immediately hatch as someone’s boyfriend. But I will return open to the idea of trying.

I am not becoming a monk or eunuch. I will begin to include others to a degree that I have avoided since 2006. In marrying me, I will be ready to marry someone else.