The online diary of a gay courtesan.

There comes a time in any career when you have to start considering how you will make your exit (Here are some ideas for careers that you can consider after leaving performance). I’m not talking about my own situation (although I’ll address that in a moment), but of a friend’s. He’s been doing adult entertainment for about two years now, and, honestly, that’s about as long as most people do it. I’d be willing to wager that if I did a survey, there would be a bell curve showing that the greatest number of people in the biz stay in it for two-three years. So, there’s nothing abnormal in having this conversation with someone.

What was interesting is that this person had forgotten about life’s options. He sat in silence for a moment when I said, “The career won’t change. Either you have to change your expectations, or you have to find new work.” I was a tad surprised when he responded with, “Wow. I mean… wow.”

He is the type of person who is happiest in a relationship, and has been dissatisfied since breaking up with his last partner. Relationships are more important to him than staying in his current work situation – he wasn’t able to connect with people, because of his career. People are willing to fuck strippers, but not willing to date us (which says more about them than us, to be frank).

And so, it is time for this person to transition out, so that he can find someone to date. That is his priority. He is going to save up his tips, go to school, start a new career, and look for a woman to bear him children. Such is the heterosexual’s world. It makes little sense to me, but it’s his life, not mine. We have to be happy in this world. That is paramount.

As for my own situation: My application to go back to school to become a Physical Therapy Assistant was rejected, because I “failed to meet minimum requirements.” Uh huh… Six months of jumping through flaming hoops for people who couldn’t read the lists of requirements in front of their faces, and it is I who fail to meet minimum requirements? I have to say I’m not all that put out – it was more rigmarole trying to get into this community college than getting into UCLA. I’d actually been figuring out how to get out of going back now, because I have a plan for getting out of debt that would have been completely undermined by being in classes.

So, it’s time for a different strategy. Both of my female roommates are moving in with their boyfriends when the current lease expires in September. I’ve not had my own place since 2003. I’ve lived with roommates for a long time now. I’m excited. Being in school would have complicated a move, so it’s another reason to be glad that this plan didn’t work. I’m happy that I’ll be free to do all of these life tasks without having to worry about missing a class session.

Also, I’ve decided to experiment with other modalities of adult entertainment. I’m exhausted of all the driving from club to club. I’m not interested in leaving the career, however. I am not done. I am still needed in the field, which probably sounds like an odd sentiment, but I have a carefully honed plan that I will share in about a year or so, when everything comes into fruition. It’s time to work smarter, not harder. I do not think I’m interested in becoming a sex worker. I wouldn’t want to do that unless I could successfully navigate being a gay courtesan of sorts. However, there are other options, and I will be flying to San Diego on May 6 in order to explore some opportunities there.

Devon Hunter: Please tell me: a) the contact info you would want used in the interview, b) a brief description of the organization’s history,  c) and how the organization fills a gap in standard attitudes towards sex workers.

Stacey Swimme: I am the Development Director of St. James Infirmary.

St. James Infirmary provides compassionate and non-judgmental health care and social services for all sex workers, while preventing occupational illnesses and injuries through a comprehensive continuum of services. We offer free, confidential medical and social services for female, male, and transgender, sex workers.

We are the first peer run occupational health and safety clinic for sex workers in the United States. In our case, peer run means that the majority of our staff, current or former sex workers and are active clients of the clinic-that is they also receive our services. The nature of peer-to-peer services creates a safe space where sex workers can feel safe in discussing their sexual health, seek out services that are appropriate to meet their needs, and receive culturally competent care. Sex workers tend to be pathologized in medical environments, resulting in fractured relationships with medical providers and inadequate care. At the St. James Infirmary participants have no fear of their occupation interfering with their right to receive quality medical care.

What services do you offer at the Infirmary, and how are these services funded?

About one third of our funding comes from the City of San Francisco and state of California through their respective AIDS prevention funds. This support has been slashed in 2009 as the city and state are both facing severe budget cuts. We also receive in-kind support from other clinics and HIV/AIDS prevention organizations.

We’ve recently become qualified for some third-party billing programs such as Medi-Cal and FamPACT (a family planning fund). Through these programs we’re able to receive reimbursements for some of the clinical services provided, such as gynecological care. These reimbursements are helping to off-set costs, but often still do not cover the full expense that we put out for these services.

The rest of our funding comes through private foundation grants and private contributors. Individual private donors who contribute small amounts, anywhere from $20 to $200, are really helping us keep our program going.

Our services include Primary Care, Transgender Hormone Therapy, HIV/STD/HCV Counseling and Testing, Hepatitis A/B Immunizations, Acupuncture, Massage and Reiki, Peer and Mental Health Counseling, Support Groups, Health Education Workshops, On-site and Street-based Syringe Access & Disposal (NEX), Street and Venue-based Outreach, Wound/Abscess Care, Food and Clothing, Harm Reduction Supplies, Apprenticeships and Internships, Community Research, and Education. We are open 3 days a week: Tuesdays 1-6pm (NEX) and Tuesdays 3-6pm (wound and holistic care); Wednesday 6-9pm (drop-in and appointment-based Medical services); and Thursdays 1-4pm (appointment-based transgender healthcare) and Thursdays 6-9pm (drop-in primary medical care).

A full list of the support groups, meetings, and other opportunities to participate or receive services is available at our website at www.StJamesInfirmary.org.

What type of political/social/cultural climate is required for a city to have an organization like St. James? What kind of cooperation is needed from local authorities?

This project was made possible because of the unique vision of Sex Worker rights activists from COYOTE and the Exotic Dancers Alliance (EDA). In 1999, via collaboration with the Department of Public Health STD Control and Prevention Section (known as “City Clinic”), the University of California San Francisco, COYOTE, and EDA the St. James Infirmary started as a private non-profit 501(c)(3)

Having a rich history of sex worker rights organizing in San Francisco (first with COYOTE, then BaySWAN, and later the Exotic Dancers Alliance) was central to ensuring that this would be a strong peer-led effort that would honor the true needs of sex workers. Several things happened that made this possible. In 1996 the San Francisco task force on prostitution made recommendations that the City should fund occupational health services for sex workers. In 1998, sex workers rights activist from COYOTE and EDA called the Director of STD Control and Prevention of the San Francisco Department of Public Health, Dr. Jeffrey Klausner and proposed a clinic model for sex workers that went beyond HIV and STI testing. This was the beginning of conversations and alliances to be made that provided the framework for a peer led occupational health and safety clinic for sex workers.

First we were just open one night a week at City Clinic. For five years, every Wednesday night 6-9pm, City Clinic was open to sex workers and their current partners for services ranging from primary care, STD screening and prevention, and free sexual health resources to items such as condoms. In 2003 we got our own clinic! Our hours were expanded, and a wealth of services were added.

How do you protect the privacy of the people who seek your help?

Participants are never required to provide identification. Whatever name, gender and other identities an individual wishes to be known by at our clinic are what goes into their medical records. The records are only accessible by staff who need them. Since we are mostly peers and share a desire for privacy, participants have no reason to fear that we will be insensitive about this. Medical records are protected under privacy laws and can only be shared with outside sources at the request of the participant (patient) or through a court ordered subpoena. However, we are not an anonymous test site, we are a confidential test site. Under the law, positive HIV and STI test results are disclosed to the Health Department. But if a person is using an alias, than that is the name that is reported with the test result.

What measures would you suggest if someone wanted to pursue founding a similar organization for their own area?

Collaborate! Start by building a relationship with a local clinic that sex workers in your community trust. Sometime Planned Parenthood is a good place for sex workers, sometimes they’re not. Clinics that serve LGBTQ communities also tend to be kinder to sex workers, but again, it’s hit or miss in some towns.

You also need a strong sex worker community to advocate for a rights-based approach to healthcare. Team up with your nearest Sex Workers Outreach Project (SWOP) chapter or other regional sex worker rights group. Talk with other sex workers in your community about what their actual needs and interests are. Remember, sex workers had been building community in San Francisco for over 25 years before SJI was created. That foundation and well-connected members of our community are how this was possible.

In 2006 you offered a scholarship. Can you tell me how that happened and whether or not it is an on-going program?

The scholarship program we offered was a one-time program that was the result of unclaimed settlement money in a class action lawsuit. In 2003, a group of exotic dancers filed suit against some strip clubs in San Francisco and then settled the case (Siefred v. Centerfolds, et.al. Case No. 305470). After the court exhausted attempts to reach all the original plaintiffs in the case, the Court ordered that unclaimed money from the settlement be used for a grant program focused on education, job training assistance, and alcohol/drug treatment counseling for members of the dancer community. The St. James Infirmary was one of several agencies that received grants from this program. We decided to use our grant money for scholarships to any dancer who could verify that they were currently enrolled in school or a job training program and had danced in San Francisco since 1998. The money was then paid directly to the educational institutions. It was a really amazing opportunity for us to redistribute that money to the community. All together we awarded over $60,000 in scholarship money to about 30 exotic dancers.

Which organizations do you collaborate with and how/why?

In San Francisco:
SF DPH, San Francisco AIDS Foundation, SRO Collaborative, Coalition on Homelessness, Coalition to Save Public Health, the DOPE Project (Harm Reduction Coalition), City Clinic, TransTHRIVE, Positive Directions, Harvey Milk Democratic Club, BaySWAN, and others.

Sex workers rights: We are a community organization member of the Desiree Alliance, we work with other sex worker rights groups as well including SWOP.

What benefits do you see your community enjoying because of the work done at St. James?

Most importantly we are a safe haven with understanding supportive peers. From personal experience and from speaking with others, I know that having a sense of community and a place where you feel welcome contributes to a sense of self-value that motivates us to be healthy and informed. In addition to all of the free services we offer, such as massage or accupuncture, we make friends here. We meet other participants here who will be a safe call when we do outcalls, or who can tell us about a new website to market whatever our unique service is. We circulate a bad date list to help people avoid dangerous clients. People can not only pick up condoms here, but also get info on how to use them or how to be assertive with a client who doesn’t want to use protection. These little details that we understand make huge differences in the lives of sex workers, and these details are often not available at other health clinics.

Are there any obstacles or challenges that hamper your efforts?

Lots! We’re running out of money. That’s the biggest thing. We’ve been holding on for as long as we can to avoid service cuts and cutting back staff hours. But with the reduction in support from city and state, plus the huge cuts that private foundatiuons are experiencing due to the economy, we are in a very tight place right now.

Other challenges: People’s attitudes toward sex workers; the fact that we see sick people arrested and cycled through the jail system; and them then coming out at the other end with their health in even worse a state… all of these things are hard for our staff to see and experience. The criminal status of some of our participants is a driving force in blocking their access to healthcare and safety resources. While we are running low on funds we continue to see money wasted on prohibiting prostitution, which is directly working against our mission to help sex workers stay healthy.

What is the over-arching goal of the organization, and how do you measure effectiveness?

The main goal is to give sex workers access to the tools they need to be safe and healthy. More than 70 per cent of participants say that they heard of us through a friend who has been here. This is a major sign of how effective we are being at providing culturally competent care to a very marginalized group of people.

This year is our 10 year anniversary! We’re having a huge anniversary party on June 5th, 2009 in San Francisco. Info will be at our site at http://www.StJamesInfirmary.org.

I was wondering if you might be willing to link to http://www.BoundNotGagged.com, a blog for sex workers?

I would be happy to list your links. And thank you for sharing this incredibly helpful information with me and my readers.

I went for lunch and a walk in the park today, because for the third day in a row it would be spiritually negligent to not. It is so pretty here lately – it’s hard to believe there was snow on the ground a week ago. The trees and flowers are putting out buds; the clover is bright green, with little purple pin-striped blooms; and I even saw my first massive bee of the season. The bees look so plump and lazy, the way they bumble around in the air like zeppelins - I think they’re marvelous. Bumble bees make me smile. They’re so clumsy and endearing.

I went to lunch with a new acquaintance, and we talked about all the light stuff: Religion, career, school, and family. You know, the easy stuff. HA! We went for a walk while our bellies were still full, and he asked me more questions about work. He finally came around to the question that I knew he was wanting to ask: “You said the line is different for each dancer. Where is your line?”

I have never been an escort. I’ve never had penetrative sex for money. I’m just not interested in it. I have allowed some men to go down on me during a private showing, but it’s not my modus operandi. I regularly touch the clients as they are touching me. I’ve even given a handjob here and there – but all that is fairly tame by comparison to what others enjoy/tolerate.

Sex is special to me: If I hook up, I want it to be because the guy is hot and/or intriguing. If I meld, I want it to be genuinely invested. If I make love, that can’t be bought from me. Groping and infrequent receptive oral sex don’t offend me, because I perceive them as fairly impersonal. Perhaps I’ve been touched superficially enough that it just doesn’t mean anything to me anymore? Kissing and sex, however, are much deeper forms of touch, and they are still reserved for my personal time.

In my past blogs I’ve strongly cautioned against doing anything against local laws. I am aware of the hypocrisy in what I have just admitted. But the limited sexuality I sometimes permit doesn’t leave a blot on my conscience. Also, consider how irresponsible it would be for me to say to a neonate, ”Yes, go out and suck as much dick as you can! Let them all fuck your ass too, for good measure.” Um, no. That is nowhere near the level where I operate – it’s fine for the people that are okay with it (if they’re willing to take the risks involved), but that isn’t for me.

What I’ve described today is reality, not legal advice. No, I don’t advocate that people do what is done, but that doesn’t change the fact that it happens. For the most part with me, a dance is a dance, but occasionally they are a little bit more. The line is different for each dancer, and mine is drawn pretty far down on the scandal ladder.

Ultimately, you have to know who you are and what you can tolerate. In addition to this, there is also the law. No, you shouldn’t allow anything that is illegal to happen during a dance. People also shouldn’t smoke marijuana (according to the law). They also shouldn’t speed when they drive (according to the law). And of course, people shouldn’t loiter, download music from the Internet, or jaywalk (according to the law). I will continue to say that people shouldn’t be sexual in their dances, because I don’t want to be responsible for leading someone into risk. However, there is the perfect world, and then there’s the real world. I figured it was time to speak more transparently about where my line is – I’ll not be turning myself into a saint, thank you very much.

So, with all that said: Wanna private dance?

Dear Harlow,

I just watched the videos that were produced for the here! network, and I wanted to take a moment to tell you that your story has not gone unheard and unfelt. I want you to know that there are people who see that “even a gay porn actor” is innocent until proven guilty. I want you to know that there are people who are not entertained by your misery. I want you to know that you are right every time you say your name out loud, and that your mother is right to touch the glass as if she were caressing your face. I want you to know that when you are exonerated there will be people who will celebrate whole heartedly for you. I want you to know that there are people who hope you will survive, heal, and thrive. I want you to know that there is compassion for you, and that there is still beauty outside – it is waiting for you to embrace it when you return to the world. Do not come back to us broken. Please.

If you are found guilty, I hope it will be because there is a mountain of incontrovertible truth sustaining that decision, and not because you have lived your life in your own way. If you are found innocent, I hope it will be because you are innocent without any further doubt attached to your name. If you are found lost in the dark, I hope you will remember the points of light: They are the stars that will guide you home. If you are found alone, I hope you will remember that you are not.

Con mucha esperanza,

Devon

Dear Devon,

I know you don’t date, but I’d still like to hear your thoughts on something. I went out last night with a guy that I thought was gonna be awesome. He made it clear that he thought I was a prostitute, because I’m a dancer. He said, “You’re not dating material, even if you think you are.” He also said when he goes to strip clubs he doesn’t pay. He’s a landscape designer, so it’s not like he’s some important person. Why does he get to be so judgmental?

Also, when we first started talking he was right there whenever I’d text or call, but now nothing. During dinner he was texting his friends, telling them my name, just for bragging rights. But now I feel like I have to chase him. He’s beautiful, and I can tell he’s used to getting his way and treating people however he wants. What do you think of all this?

- Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I think he’s an asshole. That’s what I think of all this. Without knowing all the details, let me offer responses to what all I’m sensing in this:

1. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy, simply because of your profession, then you shouldn’t feel bad when you do what’s necessary: Cut. Him. Out. Do it now. He’s using you as a trophy to prop up his own ego.
2. He doesn’t like strippers but he goes to strip clubs? I smell hypocrisy.
3. He doesn’t pay? And it sounds like he doesn’t pay out of a sense of superiority (something particularly irksome that many “hot” patrons do). Whether you ask him this in person or not, ponder the following question: If I were running late to a job interview, and I decided to cut through the flowerbed to save a moment or two, would you think it disrespectful? They’re “just” petunias (never mind that you selected the color, placement, and assemblage; that you had to use your time and energy to plan the bed and get the materials; that you had to invest in planting and nurturing them). If I’m running late for this interview, isn’t it okay for me to trample your silly flowers?
4. Whether or not you’re ready to consider yourself dating material is your own question to answer. You know yourself better than he does. Ignore this bit of ignorance, if possible. I know it’s a hurtful comment, but try to not absorb it.
5. In the book “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Persuit of Perfection” by Tim Bergling, there is a phenomenon described that I’ve referred to before on this blog. The desire/rejection cycle is a real part of everyone’s world, but particularly burdensome for gay men (whose identities are wrapped up in sexuality, and thus whose identities are greatly invested in getting laid… no sex = no existence?). Why are you giving this man power? Because he’s hot? Stop it. Just stop it. He’s a prat, and he doesn’t respect you. I don’t care if he’s a cover model for a workout magazine, you should let this one go. His arrogance and inflated sense of entitlement alone make him ridiculous. If he is accustomed to treating people any which way, then why would he change for you? You rejecting him may be the very experience he needs to help him recognize that his opinions are about as important as anyone else’s.

I know it’s “natural” for people (men especially, and gay men in particular) to jump at touching Adonis (whether in becoming Adonis, obtaining one, or both); however, if you find you are chasing (or that you are being chased), then you aren’t in stride with your partner. A relationship is about relating to someone, not just spending time around him. If I have to chase after you, you are running away from me. If you have to chase after me, I am trying (on some level) to get away from you. How would that ever be happy, fulfilling, or healthy? Find someone who will walk by your side, not in front of or behind you.

In closing, I think that people should be responsible for their own feelings, but not at the expense of the feelings of others. It seems to me that beautiful people should consider owning their looks without becoming mean. The roulette wheel could have stopped one space to the left or right. Your looks are not, hopefully, all you have to offer. And they shouldn’t be used as a weapon. Pride tempered with some humility is very sexy.