The online diary of a gay courtesan.

One of the questions I received boils down to this: Are dancers who travel or work together truly friends, or does competition prevent that?

That depends on a great number of issues. Scotty and I are definitely truly friends, regardless of the money we do or don’t make around each other. We help each other in many ways, other than splitting the cost of travel. We collaborate in various ways, talk to each other about problems or concerns, and look out for each other in general. Two other guys who travel together are Will and Johnny, two beautiful Latino dancers from Miami. They really are friends.

Is it always like that? No. Probably not. I’m sure that there are people who travel together out of convenience or to lower indiviudal costs. I know of two dancers from Charlotte who no longer travel together, because one was always creating problems and not covering his share of the gas/hotel. They had no other connection, so the other dancer now refuses to travel with the mooch. It’s the same as any other working scenario: There are people you bond with, and people you tolerate (and people you avoid as well).

As for behind the scenes, I have already blogged about the competition that exists there. But that entry deals with dancers in general, not travel companions. I would say that people who consistently go place to place together over a long term will develop some kind of tolerance for each other (at a minimum), and that others get quite close. But relationships are always evolving. A perceived or actual insult, attack, theft, or any other number of bad experiences can sour a travelling duo’s connection just as quickly as anyone else’s.

My suggestion is to know the person you travel with. This person, if you share a room, will have access to your belongings. You wouldn’t want to get hijacked in your own car. You also need to know that the cash you’ll be keeping on you until you can take it to the bank will be vulnerable. I didn’t invite Scotty to travel with me until we’d danced together consistently for several months. After staying with him several times, eating with him, getting to know more about him as a person, and sharing info about myself with him (to see how he would treat it), I finally knew I could take him on the road with me. I have never had even a moment’s cause to regret that (note: Remind me, please someone, to one day tell you about the first trip we took together down to Macon, GA… HAHAHAHAHA!). But I got to know him first. We became friends first.

So, simple answer: No, not all who travel together are friends, but it’d be a good idea for them to at least respect each other.

I just got back from Secrets. I’m exhausted. The last month has been road trip after road trip, and I am going to try to take this coming weekend off completely. I have so much blogging to catch up on, and I want to thank everyone who emailed me questions/topics. I fully intend to catch up with all of this in the coming days as I rest and recover.

But there is something grave I need to address first.

I have spoken already about the potentially abusive relationship that can exist between patrons and entertainers, especially when patrons become obsessive. This is stalking. I am not going to address this again here. This weekend I witnessed an entertainer who is being abused by another entertainer. They are boyfriends. The problem with abusive boyfriends is that they can be so beguiling and charming at first…

Having survived abuse, I already know most of the excuses, apologies, and lies that abused people use to defend the people who hurt them. When you encounter someone who is being victimized by his/her partner, it is difficult to know how much to intrude. I personally wouldn’t want to accidentally escalate a situation (which as bad as it might be in front of others could become much worse in private); however, I also cannot turn a blind eye.

Adult entertainment attracts all types of people. Some of them are unsavory and/or dysfuntional. These people may be club owners, booking agents, film directors, patrons… or the entertainers themselves. Given the reputation lumped upon most entertainers in general, it goes without saying that there must be a reason for this: There are some horrible people who dance in clubs. Definitely not all, or even most, but entertainers need to pay attention to other entertainers.

I was very excited the last time I almost dated, because the person in question had worked as a go-go dancer, and didn’t judge me because of my work. It is common for adult entertainers to pair off with each other – we understand each other. And yet, that means that there is the potential for you as an entertainer to connect with one of those unsavory people I just mentioned, thinking that it will be a good match. But you must always pay attention.

I got pretty forceful with one of the dancers. I think I probably put him on the spot (in private) unexpectedly. He is, in my opinion, at the stage of the abusive relationship where he is not willing to accept that he is being abused. But when I consistently see his partner treat him like a servant, start physical brawls over nothing, insult him with names, degrade him by calling him female slurs, make forceful attempts to kick/punch/slap him, and discuss with other entertainers the best way to “be the man in the relationship” by limiting the person in question’s ability to function by cutting off access to the car, then my conscience forces me to act. If his abusive partner is going to make this public, where I have to see it, then it’s an invitation to become involved.

I told this beautiful, sweet-natured, warm, friendly man that when he was ready to accept that he needed to get away that he can call or email me. If he needs a few days to figure out how to get home to his family, and needs a safe place to get far away from the verbal and physical blows, he can use my home as a sanctuary. I cannot pretend to not know what is plain before my own eyes. Even though he is still at the point where he says, “Oh, he’s just aggressive. It’s the steroids. You can’t take him too seriously. He’s actually a really nice guy,” he will eventually (I hope) come to recognize the lie in this. How many times do you have to tell me someone isn’t a douche bag? Shouldn’t I be able to see that on my own?

If you are an entertainer, there are going to be times when you are very lonely. You will want to connect with someone. You might be tempted to look for love within the career. And that’s totally fine; however, make certain that you practice the same vetting process on the private side of the velvet rope as you do on the public side. Make certain that you pay attention, regardless of the career of the person you cling to. But, without trying to feed into a stereotype, recognize that the odds of picking a bad apple may be worse if you pick from this particular barrel.

Here’s something that comes up with a little bit of frequency: When I’m not doing anything more productive with myself, I enjoy chatting on ManHunt. While I was still hiding in my cave in 2008, it became my primary source of socializing, since I had trepedations about being around people face-to-face. Because I don’t dance in Charlotte it hasn’t happened much, but occasionally someone in another city will check out the Charlotte list, and then I’ve got a patron talking to me on a site that is designed specifically for hooking up.

How awkward.

This is the reason: ManHunt is a place for getting free sex from other users. I chat there primarily to socialize through chat (although I have met people from the site as well – some were for coffee, others were for sex, others were friends I knew from off ManHunt). So then, exactly how does one navigate the situation when a patron who pays for lap dances sees an adult entertainer online at a place like ManHunt, and then makes a proposition for free sex? The patron isn’t out of line, since the entertainer is in a sexualized environment, but how can the entertainer walk the tight rope of not blurring business and pleasure?

It really depends on the situation. I have one friend in Columbia, we’ll pretend his name is John, and when we see each other on the site we flirt and chat, but he never crosses any lines. He’s a gentleman and a friend, and it’s simply not an issue with him. He’s not overbearing in person, and he doesn’t make presumptions online. I’m his doodle bug, and he’s my wee boy. I am totally comfortable talking to him on ManHunt. I see a couple of the other dancers from Columbia, and that too is a non-issue. None of us sleep together, and it’s just chat. However, there have been ManHunt members who are patrons from Atlanta and other cities who do try to make a sexual connection through ManHunt.

I simply keep the conversation polite and simple. I don’t flirt or use innuendo. I answer questions simply and keep my inquiries general. It would be very complicated to hook up with a patron. I can invision far, far too many difficulties in such a scenario. I do not suggest allowing the two to overlap. The other option is to simply not visit these types of websites, but I’ve made some nice chat friends on ManHunt, and bumping into patrons is rare. It’s even more rare that the few patrons I see try to go futher than chatting. Thus far it’s not been a problem, but when it comes up I treat it like I do when I bump into a patron unexpectedly in public. Be aware that cyber stalking is a potential risk from chatting online at hook up sites. Pay attention to whether or not a patron’s behavior changes in person/online after he has found your username.

Dear Devon,

I know you don’t date, but I’d still like to hear your thoughts on something. I went out last night with a guy that I thought was gonna be awesome. He made it clear that he thought I was a prostitute, because I’m a dancer. He said, “You’re not dating material, even if you think you are.” He also said when he goes to strip clubs he doesn’t pay. He’s a landscape designer, so it’s not like he’s some important person. Why does he get to be so judgmental?

Also, when we first started talking he was right there whenever I’d text or call, but now nothing. During dinner he was texting his friends, telling them my name, just for bragging rights. But now I feel like I have to chase him. He’s beautiful, and I can tell he’s used to getting his way and treating people however he wants. What do you think of all this?

- Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I think he’s an asshole. That’s what I think of all this. Without knowing all the details, let me offer responses to what all I’m sensing in this:

1. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy, simply because of your profession, then you shouldn’t feel bad when you do what’s necessary: Cut. Him. Out. Do it now. He’s using you as a trophy to prop up his own ego.
2. He doesn’t like strippers but he goes to strip clubs? I smell hypocrisy.
3. He doesn’t pay? And it sounds like he doesn’t pay out of a sense of superiority (something particularly irksome that many “hot” patrons do). Whether you ask him this in person or not, ponder the following question: If I were running late to a job interview, and I decided to cut through the flowerbed to save a moment or two, would you think it disrespectful? They’re “just” petunias (never mind that you selected the color, placement, and assemblage; that you had to use your time and energy to plan the bed and get the materials; that you had to invest in planting and nurturing them). If I’m running late for this interview, isn’t it okay for me to trample your silly flowers?
4. Whether or not you’re ready to consider yourself dating material is your own question to answer. You know yourself better than he does. Ignore this bit of ignorance, if possible. I know it’s a hurtful comment, but try to not absorb it.
5. In the book “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Persuit of Perfection” by Tim Bergling, there is a phenomenon described that I’ve referred to before on this blog. The desire/rejection cycle is a real part of everyone’s world, but particularly burdensome for gay men (whose identities are wrapped up in sexuality, and thus whose identities are greatly invested in getting laid… no sex = no existence?). Why are you giving this man power? Because he’s hot? Stop it. Just stop it. He’s a prat, and he doesn’t respect you. I don’t care if he’s a cover model for a workout magazine, you should let this one go. His arrogance and inflated sense of entitlement alone make him ridiculous. If he is accustomed to treating people any which way, then why would he change for you? You rejecting him may be the very experience he needs to help him recognize that his opinions are about as important as anyone else’s.

I know it’s “natural” for people (men especially, and gay men in particular) to jump at touching Adonis (whether in becoming Adonis, obtaining one, or both); however, if you find you are chasing (or that you are being chased), then you aren’t in stride with your partner. A relationship is about relating to someone, not just spending time around him. If I have to chase after you, you are running away from me. If you have to chase after me, I am trying (on some level) to get away from you. How would that ever be happy, fulfilling, or healthy? Find someone who will walk by your side, not in front of or behind you.

In closing, I think that people should be responsible for their own feelings, but not at the expense of the feelings of others. It seems to me that beautiful people should consider owning their looks without becoming mean. The roulette wheel could have stopped one space to the left or right. Your looks are not, hopefully, all you have to offer. And they shouldn’t be used as a weapon. Pride tempered with some humility is very sexy.

Devon Hunter (DH): What do you do at www.GuysDivine.com?
GuysDivine.com (GD): Currently on the site we offer live webcam chats in which we show off the male body, and tease the audience a little in a sometimes sexual manner. We also offer a variety of pictures, but our main focus is the live chats and HD chat archives. We stream live with a webcam, and record the chat at the same time with an HD camcorder, which we later upload to the server for members to download, so they can have lasting enjoyment.

Our future plans are to continue growing on a fitness level, as well as an intimate level by adding more models, fitness pictures, fitness videos, semi-erotic videos/pictures, and fun for all pictures and videos. We try to capture a different side of the male physique other than it being used for simple porn. We also try to make everyone feel like they are a part of the site/family and not just another “member.” I have taken the time more than once to chat with members outside of the site on a friendship basis, and have even made some really good friends this way.

DH: How did you come to decide to create your site?
GD: After modeling for a Florida website and several others I learned that these high income sites can be a little inconsiderate and greedy. After learning the business I was just sick and tired of how these other sites ran their business and how poorly they treated their models. I thought if I could start a site of my own and and run it with some class, then I should do that very thing for myself as well as for others.

As it turned out I had enough of a following that I was able to start www.GuysDivine.com, and support it with only a small group of people who enjoyed watching me chat. Although it has been a ton of work (and also a lot of let downs), I feel it has been well worth the effort, and I think the site is now at a point to where it can really start to grow.

DH: How is your chat site different from other cam sites?
GD: We are sort of a cross-breed of the muscle cam sites and the sexual sites. We do claim to be non-nude; however, sometimes we have been known to do some tasteful nude posing and horseplay. We are now allowing all models to act within their comfort zone, which means if they want to get nude then they can, and if they want to go further than that, then we say go for it. Also I do not know of another site that uses an actual gay couple in its cam shows, not openly at least.

My bf and I do duo chats for the members, as well as individual solo chats too. As of right now he and I are the only guys chatting, because good models are hard to find, and most guys are chasing that dollar no matter how they are treated. Currently we have five new guys on the waiting list, and all we need to do is get them setup and ready to go. Hopefully at least one of these guys will survive. Ha!

DH: In what ways is your work satisfying to you on a professional and/or personal level?
GD: Well, the website is not my profession, and I actually was not sure that it would become what it is today. I definitely do this on a personal level, and the satisfaction I get from it is that it inspires me to keep fit. Lets face it, if I were not in shape I would not be in this business. Also, I guess in a way satisfaction comes from possibly being truly successful in this business without actually compromising my values. I can do the site and not be pressured to do anything I do not want to do just for the sake of a dollar. I think too many people throw their limitations and standards to the side for money, which they will usually regret. My site does not ask anyone to do something that they feel uncomfortable with, period.

DH: You work with your boyfriend on the site. How does sharing intimacy with him for an audience affect your relationship with him?
GD: Our chats our no more intimate than we would want to share, a little kiss here and there or a pat on the ass is hardly anything to hide. Most of our chats are playful and fun, with a little sensual worshiping thrown into the mix. We really do not have anything set to do before these chats, which keeps it fresh and fun. The site really has no negative effect on the relationship at all.

DH: How do people react in favorable ways to your working with your boyfriend? What negative responses do you get, if any?
GD: Everything is great, and we both get a lot of support through the site. People really enjoy seeing us together on the site. The duo chats are by far the most attended chats, because people love interaction. The only negative responses are from people who have never seen what we do, and who automatically think it’s a porn site. Once I respond with an explanation they change their mind pretty fast.

DH: Do you find that your situation is similar to that of exotic dancers, or do my blogs not really speak to your experiences? What would you say to clarify, extend, or correct anything I’ve said about “the biz” as it pertains to what you do?
GD: Although I have not read a lot on your blog, I will say that what I have read does not really have as much in common as some may think. I guess with this being a net thing, opposed to dancing live in front of people, it puts certain issues at bay. When we have a problem with someone we can get rid of them easily with the push of a button and a refund. Ha! For me, I do not think I could dance or show off live, but in the comfort of my own home it works out perfectly.

There will always be a certain favoritism anywhere you go when it comes to models in general, and some people will attend one model’s chats and not anyone else’s, but that is that person’s choice, so I don’t feel the need to stress on favoritism. Only saying that after reading your black dancers blog entry, in which we do not face that problem at all.

DH: How does being a model affect your life when you’re not modeling?
GD: Well, I don’t consider myself a model at all, and in my mind anyone with a decent body and attitude could do what I do. I am nothing special compared to a lot of superbly fit guys out there who put me to shame. Where I guess I differ from them is that I don’t mind showing it off, and I actually enjoy it. I was going to say that life when I am not working on the site is normal, but even when I am doing the site my life is normal. In fact, if I did not do the site that is when I would feel like my life is not normal. It has no effect on me at work or when I am out and about, except for the one time I was asked the chat schedule at the gas station.Ha! Now that caught me off guard!

DH: Is the chatting your only source of work, or do you have other projects and/or jobs as well?
GD: It’s just something I do on the side for fun and an extra source of income. The site could not support me in full, but perhaps one day it possible could. I am completely happy with my profession as a Firefighter for the city where I currently reside (and where I was born). I really have very few hobbies anymore, but some that I hope to pick back up on soon are photography, customizing cars, puzzles, and putting models together. The hobbies that I currently do regularly are working out, watching movies, playing basketball, and doing the website. Nothing beats spending simple time with some friends just chilling.

DH: What advice would you give someone who either wants to start a website or become a model for one?
GD: My advice for starting your website is to be sure you have the time, and that it is something you plan to stick with. It takes time to prosper in the business, unless you have unlimited funds. Get your thoughts and ideas together, and hire a good webmaster if you are not one yourself. I wasted a lot of time trying to do it all on my own, and you will soon find out that there are not enough hours in a day to make this a solo act.

To model for one it is simple. Make sure you got what it takes, and just start filling out forms from different sites. Investigate the ones you like, and then pick one, but never, never sign a contract that will prevent you from going elsewhere afterwards if you see that you are not happy with that organization. Being presented with a contract is another huge factor in me creating my own site. As a model you should always remain a free agent, unless their are large amounts of money at stake, and I do not know of many cam sites that are willing to put up that kind of cash. They are usually the exact opposite.