The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Sometimes I just need something uplifting. I don’t have to be in a particular mood. Some days I just want an injection of positivity. Today is one of those days: It is the first truly spectacular weather day of 2009 here in Charlotte, NC, and after a little emotional fumbling last night (that is trying to find its way into today, but I’m not giving in without a fight!), I felt the need to share something with whomever is interested. Below is Desiderata (Latin: Things that are desired/desireable). It is a poem written in the 1920′s by Max Ehrmann (it was not written by an unknown person in 1692, as many mistakenly believe). So, enjoy:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Alright, bear wiff a strippa fo’ jess a moment… we gonna get deep ‘n shit… but only for a moment (don’t worry).

Often we think of space and time as two separate concepts; however, research in physics shows us that they are not. There is space-time, the joining of the two into a whole that is inseparable throughout existence.

I went to dinner tonight with a friend of mine named Chuck. He is very kind. I admire him very much as a human being. He invited me to go along to dinner, specifically because he knows I’ve been feeling a bit down lately, and he wanted to introduce me to some of his favorite people. That gesture in and of itself is beautiful, because it proves what I’ve sensed about him: He cares about people, and he wants them to feel appreciated. Sadly, that is not always the default setting amongst gay men in general, but his kindness gives me hope that I can not allow past hurts to define my present and future disappointments before they even happen.

At dinner I asked him, “Do you know what the fourth dimension is?”

“No,” he replied with a puzzled look.

“Yes, you do. It’s so obvious that you’re overlooking it. If we need to meet somewhere, we need to know the x-, y-, and z-axis. If I want to meet you at Fifth Avenue and Third Street on the 10th floor, what else do I need to know before I can meet you there?”

“Hmmmm… I don’t know.”

“Time. I need to meet you at Fifth and Third on the 10th floor at noon.”

“Oh! Yes. Of course.”

“Flattery is one-, maybe two-dimensional. But compliments – those have shape, because they have depth. Those are three-dimensional; however, I want to give you what I have decided in this moment to call a four-dimensional compliment. That means that although I am telling you this here in this place, I want you to take it forward with you wherever you go in time.”

“Alright… I think I can handle that.”

“You make me want to truly embrace gay men again.”

It can be very easy for me to go into cruise control and simply smile and nod. To not connect with people in my community out of a sense of self-preservation. To be able to cut men off unceremoniously, whether they actually deserve it or not. My experiences have taught me that most gay men are simply not able to accept, let alone give, true kindness to other gay men. But Chuck is a gay man who defies my experience. I have to allow his friendship to teach me a new lesson.

You see, it’s okay that we hurt sometimes. It’s okay that growth is uncomfortable. But at some point it becomes just as important to go on living, right? What’s the point of hurt without healing? God, remembering balance can be so difficult! Anyway, negativity really isn’t (or at least it doesn’t have to be) permanent. Also, negativity isn’t necessarily bad. It’s simply the balance to positivity.

If you agree that the universe is expanding because of the Big Bang, then there is something else underlying that concept that you will almost have to agree with as well: Whatever pain (and I’m not speaking exclusively to gay men here) you have experienced is no longer here with you now.

If the world is rotating at something like 1,000 miles per hour, and if Earth is revolving around the sun at 10,000 miles per hour, and if the sun is revolving around the center of the Milky Way at 100,000 miles per hour, and if the Milky Way is racing away towards the ever-expanding edge of the universe at the speed of light… Well… Then by the time you can register or recognize that you are uncomfortable or unhappy… your stressor is already a million miles away, and in the past too.

I’m not saying this to trivialize that which causes us duress. Nor am I trying to be escapist. I’m simply trying to help myself (and anyone who cares to join me) realize that once you decide to let go of them, the experiences that bring you unhappiness can be left behind in less than an instant. This doesn’t mean our memories should be forgotten or disrespected: Those challenges define who we are, because they reveal us to ourselves as we meet and exceed them. But what it does mean is that, when we’re ready, we can choose to let Creation remove our pain as we travel along.

Acknowledging that I can carry four-dimensional compliments with me along with four-dimensional injuries helps me feel some equilibrium. It’s also encouraging to think that when I’m finally ready to hand a weight off to the universe, that it will be whisked away from me faster than I can think to miss it. I can have distance whenever I want it. Now… if I could just bring myself to unclench my fingers… Ha!