The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Here’s something that comes up with a little bit of frequency: When I’m not doing anything more productive with myself, I enjoy chatting on ManHunt. While I was still hiding in my cave in 2008, it became my primary source of socializing, since I had trepedations about being around people face-to-face. Because I don’t dance in Charlotte it hasn’t happened much, but occasionally someone in another city will check out the Charlotte list, and then I’ve got a patron talking to me on a site that is designed specifically for hooking up.

How awkward.

This is the reason: ManHunt is a place for getting free sex from other users. I chat there primarily to socialize through chat (although I have met people from the site as well – some were for coffee, others were for sex, others were friends I knew from off ManHunt). So then, exactly how does one navigate the situation when a patron who pays for lap dances sees an adult entertainer online at a place like ManHunt, and then makes a proposition for free sex? The patron isn’t out of line, since the entertainer is in a sexualized environment, but how can the entertainer walk the tight rope of not blurring business and pleasure?

It really depends on the situation. I have one friend in Columbia, we’ll pretend his name is John, and when we see each other on the site we flirt and chat, but he never crosses any lines. He’s a gentleman and a friend, and it’s simply not an issue with him. He’s not overbearing in person, and he doesn’t make presumptions online. I’m his doodle bug, and he’s my wee boy. I am totally comfortable talking to him on ManHunt. I see a couple of the other dancers from Columbia, and that too is a non-issue. None of us sleep together, and it’s just chat. However, there have been ManHunt members who are patrons from Atlanta and other cities who do try to make a sexual connection through ManHunt.

I simply keep the conversation polite and simple. I don’t flirt or use innuendo. I answer questions simply and keep my inquiries general. It would be very complicated to hook up with a patron. I can invision far, far too many difficulties in such a scenario. I do not suggest allowing the two to overlap. The other option is to simply not visit these types of websites, but I’ve made some nice chat friends on ManHunt, and bumping into patrons is rare. It’s even more rare that the few patrons I see try to go futher than chatting. Thus far it’s not been a problem, but when it comes up I treat it like I do when I bump into a patron unexpectedly in public. Be aware that cyber stalking is a potential risk from chatting online at hook up sites. Pay attention to whether or not a patron’s behavior changes in person/online after he has found your username.

Devon,

Over time I’ve developed social relationships with several dancers at a certain gay nightclub, and I want these relationships to continue. This includes special recognition from the dancers when I come in. In exchange, they expect me to return the favor. However, I might not be into the same person every night. I like to rotate between several favorites. Sometimes this gets competitive as they ”fight” over me. How do I keep everyone happy? They make me feel like I’m cheating on them but, hey, aren’t they with someone else too? I have some money, but I can’t blow out the budget either.

Seeking advice
R

Hello R,

In all honesty, you’re talking about people’s money. They’re going to get defensive, and that isn’t surprising; however, you make the very good point that you have different preferences each night, and that the dancers themselves interact with patrons other than yourself. If you are dealing with reasonable people, then I should think that the best way to approach this situation is to say, “(insert name), you are one of my favorites. But so is (insert name). I am not trying to offend you, I am simply trying to spread the patronage I can afford amongst the dancers that I like. There will be nights when I choose you over him. For tonight, I am choosing him, and that doesn’t mean anything bad about you.”

To reassure him you might let him give you a simple chair dance, as opposed to a full-on V.I.P., and/or a $5 tip on stage, as opposed to a $1. However, you should not say “I’ll get you next time,” because if you don’t you will look like a liar. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Not being picked can be a smack against a dancer’s ego, so if you want to soften the blow, that is how I would do it.

Dear Devon,

I just finished reading one of your blogs and I think you may be able to give me some insight in a situation I find myself in.

In the past 2 months, I met a guy. He is a massage therapist, ex dancer. He constantly is placing ads on Craigs List to get clients. I felt we had hit it off the first session. I went back to a second session and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nothing happened sexually. Since then I have reached out to him via emai. I had sent him flowers for Valentine’s Day to cheer him up. I later found out he had recently broken up with his bf.

This past weekend we were supposed to meet for a bite and then do something. I was hoping to get to talk to him as to the status of our relationship. Client, friend, more. I really do not want to be his rebound bf. He has acknowledged that I am a very nice person and he really appreciates me. We never met on Saturday, he said he showed up at the bar, did not see me and went to another bar. I found this out after texting him where he was. He did send me a nice apology email after I had sent a scathing email to him. He promised to make it up to me.

I just do not know how to handle this. There is at least 20+ years difference between us and I have set up my walls long time ago. I think they are crumbling.

Thanks for reading this. I really did not want to dump this on you.

- L

L,

It’s time for some honesty here: I saw so many red flags that what I think you really want is for me to confirm them, so that you don’t feel bad for seeing them too.

1) he just broke up with someone
2) you don’t want to be a rebound
3) if you felt a “connection,” he’s doing his job as an entertainer
4) there’s 20 years between you
5) he’s not putting the same effort into it that you are
6) he’s too nice to risk hurting your feelings or risk losing your business
7) you have walls up
8 ) he probably does too
9) you’re already becoming possessive and there’s nothing to base it upon
10) you may be looking for something that simply isn’t part of what this person can offer you

I would say that you should not punish him by stopping the sessions. You enjoyed his touch. Why can it not simply be that? His touch heals you on some level. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that he has to give you everything else too. Be content with enjoying what you can from him, or you will lose not only his touch, but also anything else. He needs time to heal. Give him that respect. You have walls up – you know what it’s like to hurt. Let him have his pain. We need it to grow.

I hope this helps.

xo
Devon

EDIT: Whether intended or not, this is bordering on invasion of privacy. This is exactly why so many entertainers have difficulty socializing outside of work, and why so many people who aren’t in “the biz” think us cold. Until you really know that you are welcome behind the Velvet Rope, you should not insert yourself there. You risk alienating a potential friend, being seen as a threat, and getting your feelings hurt. Remember that Adult Entertainment is a career: We are purveyors of fantasy. You do our service a disservice by complicating it unnecessarily. Try to remember what it is you are paying for – if you get wrapped up (temporarily) in the fantasy, we are doing our jobs well; however, remember that reality is still waiting for you afterwards.

Dear Devon,

I know you don’t date, but I’d still like to hear your thoughts on something. I went out last night with a guy that I thought was gonna be awesome. He made it clear that he thought I was a prostitute, because I’m a dancer. He said, “You’re not dating material, even if you think you are.” He also said when he goes to strip clubs he doesn’t pay. He’s a landscape designer, so it’s not like he’s some important person. Why does he get to be so judgmental?

Also, when we first started talking he was right there whenever I’d text or call, but now nothing. During dinner he was texting his friends, telling them my name, just for bragging rights. But now I feel like I have to chase him. He’s beautiful, and I can tell he’s used to getting his way and treating people however he wants. What do you think of all this?

- Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I think he’s an asshole. That’s what I think of all this. Without knowing all the details, let me offer responses to what all I’m sensing in this:

1. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy, simply because of your profession, then you shouldn’t feel bad when you do what’s necessary: Cut. Him. Out. Do it now. He’s using you as a trophy to prop up his own ego.
2. He doesn’t like strippers but he goes to strip clubs? I smell hypocrisy.
3. He doesn’t pay? And it sounds like he doesn’t pay out of a sense of superiority (something particularly irksome that many “hot” patrons do). Whether you ask him this in person or not, ponder the following question: If I were running late to a job interview, and I decided to cut through the flowerbed to save a moment or two, would you think it disrespectful? They’re “just” petunias (never mind that you selected the color, placement, and assemblage; that you had to use your time and energy to plan the bed and get the materials; that you had to invest in planting and nurturing them). If I’m running late for this interview, isn’t it okay for me to trample your silly flowers?
4. Whether or not you’re ready to consider yourself dating material is your own question to answer. You know yourself better than he does. Ignore this bit of ignorance, if possible. I know it’s a hurtful comment, but try to not absorb it.
5. In the book “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Persuit of Perfection” by Tim Bergling, there is a phenomenon described that I’ve referred to before on this blog. The desire/rejection cycle is a real part of everyone’s world, but particularly burdensome for gay men (whose identities are wrapped up in sexuality, and thus whose identities are greatly invested in getting laid… no sex = no existence?). Why are you giving this man power? Because he’s hot? Stop it. Just stop it. He’s a prat, and he doesn’t respect you. I don’t care if he’s a cover model for a workout magazine, you should let this one go. His arrogance and inflated sense of entitlement alone make him ridiculous. If he is accustomed to treating people any which way, then why would he change for you? You rejecting him may be the very experience he needs to help him recognize that his opinions are about as important as anyone else’s.

I know it’s “natural” for people (men especially, and gay men in particular) to jump at touching Adonis (whether in becoming Adonis, obtaining one, or both); however, if you find you are chasing (or that you are being chased), then you aren’t in stride with your partner. A relationship is about relating to someone, not just spending time around him. If I have to chase after you, you are running away from me. If you have to chase after me, I am trying (on some level) to get away from you. How would that ever be happy, fulfilling, or healthy? Find someone who will walk by your side, not in front of or behind you.

In closing, I think that people should be responsible for their own feelings, but not at the expense of the feelings of others. It seems to me that beautiful people should consider owning their looks without becoming mean. The roulette wheel could have stopped one space to the left or right. Your looks are not, hopefully, all you have to offer. And they shouldn’t be used as a weapon. Pride tempered with some humility is very sexy.

Dear Devon,

My stage name is Jasper, but my real name is Marcus. I just wanted to be clear on that, so that when I don’t sign this “Jasper,” you’ll know why. Anyway, I think you understand when I say it’s difficult to let people in. But I’ve been single a long time, and I met someone that I like and I’m ready to love again. Or ready to try anyway – I know failure is a possibility, but I’m tired of being alone and lonely. His name is Paul, and I feel that we share that rare connection. The problem is that he knows I’m a dancer (he met me at the club, in fact), and although he is totally into me he thinks I’m being nice to him, because I’m nice to everyone. We went to dinner. I told him my real name, and gave him my number. I even told my Mom about him! He says I meet tons of men, and I can have whoever I want. How do I let him know that I really do want him? How do I get him to separate my work from my heart?

Marcus

Dear Marcus,

Wow… Boy do I ever understand this situation! Far too well… At any rate, if this is truly something you want to do, despite the complications that could very well come up, then you definitely don’t want to have regrets later for not at least trying. I’m not suggesting that you necessarily copy and paste what I’m about to write, but I think it’s sufficiently sincere enough to be worth rewording in your own way:

“Paul, you know that I’m a dancer, and that I sell fantasies. And yes, I do meet tons of men; however, I don’t meet tons of men that I go to dinner with and tell my mother about. I’ve told you my birth name, which is a huge leap of faith for me. I can understand why you might question my sincerity; however, Jasper takes care of business, and doesn’t truly let people in. This is Marcus talking to you, and I am speaking from a place of vulnerability. There isn’t anything complicated that you should try to read into this: I am interested in you.”

I think that’d be a good start. It’d make me take note if someone said it to me. But I would like to make a point here: Being alone and being lonely aren’t necessarily the same. I would advise anyone to make certain first that s/he is a whole person looking for another whole person. I do not believe in two halves making a whole – that is completely inadequate. Seek synergy. 1 + 1 = 3 is far, far better than 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. Good luck to you, and make sure you pay attention.