The online diary of a gay courtesan.

One of the reasons I wanted to wait to respond to the question posed on March 17, 2009′s entry concerning race is because I wanted to view the situation in a club outside of the South. Before I continue, I would like to add that I welcome comments and constructive discussions here; however, if I do say something that is insensitive or irresponsible, I invite anyone to point it out.

To paraphrase a concept articulated by Obama during his campaign: We can’t talk about race until we talk about race.

In the the Carolinas and Georgia, where most of my experience in clubs has occurred, there is a residual tendency to treat Black men as un-/non-/anti-sexual Others who are tolerated for “diversity’s” sake. I do not notice this overtly generalized and dismissive treatment towards Latinos, nor towards Asians; however, it does seem that White dancers with red/orange hair and fair skin fill a niche as equally narrow as Blacks seem to do.

I am sensitive about race and other parameters for identity, but I am not afraid of discussing them in simple terms.

So, as an experiment, when the dancers at Secrets in Washington, D.C. asked me last night what it’s like at Swinging Richards in Atlanta, GA and PT1109 in Columbia, SC, I said candidly, “You can do well, depending on the night. I’ve noticed that Black dancers struggle there, even if they work three times harder. That’s not the case for Latinos and Asians. Although overt racism in the traditional Southern mode is mostly gone, Black men are still mostly invisible as sexual entities to gay white men where I live.”

I started this conversation specifically because there was a Black dancer in the room, and I wanted to see what his response would be, in terms of being in D.C. (which for some reason people presume isn’t connected culturally to the South just because there are some embassies there and a few people who can read and write in French).

This was his response: “He’s right. White dudes in the club normally look past me. I do well at private parties where I have been booked specifically.”

“Why is that?” one of the White dancers asked.

“Well,” the Black dancer said, “look at magazines. What do you see?”

“White faces,” I replied. “There still aren’t anywhere near enough non-White models representing beauty. We are taught what is beautiful by what is implied, not simply by what is said.”

“For a long time I made most of my money off women,” the Black dancer added.

“Women don’t tip,” another dancer immediately chimed in.

“Yeah, they do,” the Black dancer shot back. “That was my whole career for years. But it’s not just the South – Black dudes don’t usually do well in New York City either.”

“It seems to me,” I said, “that women are often more sexually adventurous in their tastes, and that men often define their preferences more rigidly. And,” I added, just so that the Black dancer wouldn’t think that Devon “White Boy” Hunter has it made in the shade, “it’s not enough to be White. I’m completely invisible next to Brad. He’s the default setting for gay white male desire.”

“Yeah,” one of the Latino dancers added thoughtfully. “He’s blond haired, blue eyed, fair skin, perfect complexion, and built like a Greek god.”

“Mhm,” I added. “I’ll never be tall. White isn’t good enough: I’m short. I’m not hating on Brad: He’s perfect. He really is exquisite. But next to him, I might as well be Black.” (To which the Black dancer nodded in agreement and understanding.)

This is such a complicated, convoluted conversation in American culture. On the one hand I felt as if my thoughts had mostly been confirmed by this dialogue; however, there was the nagging part about Black guys not doing well in New York City. If what he says is true, then racism isn’t a Southern tradition (as so many presumptuous Yankees like to assume), but an American tradition (which definitely doesn’t make it any less awful just because racism ain’t a Suthren thang).

So, to more pointedly address the question of what my experience has been, in terms of interpreting how race affects gay male entertainers: White is the default preference for the manufacturer’s setting; Latino, Asian, Indian, and Native American are all exotic enough to be sexually alluring, despite their ethnic features; and Black is invisible. What I have seen is that White and Latino entertainers make the most money, that Asian dancers are often watched with some degree of skepticism at first, and that Black dancers (when they aren’t discouraged) are forced to work far too hard. And yet all of this can change, depending on issues surrounding personal style, attitude, stature, body type, and exotic features (e.g. an Asian dancer with blue eyes). And yet those individual nuances are lost if a patron completely marks the Black body in his mind only enough to avoid walking into ”it” like any chair.

I personally feel that there is a specific gap in the training of gay desire. There are simply not enough Afro-centric (or other minorities’) faces in the “All-American” homoerotic publications. People want what they see: So long as Black men aren’t held up as objects of beauty unto themselves on par with men of other races, Black entertainers will be relegated to Blacksploitative sexual imagery. I have met very few Black male adult entertainers who did not actively seek to align themselves with the clichés perpetrated by MTV and BET. What’s worse, the few Black dancers I’ve known who weren’t “ghetto” made even less money than their “hard” counterparts.

Is there not a space or two in one of Abercrombie’s group-shots of 13 nubile honkies for a little more realistic portrayal of our cultural landscape? What’s even more problematic is that I often sense that Black men who aren’t thugs are even more displaced outside of gay desire than their bruiser counterparts. Where do Black men in general (and non-Gangsta Black men specifically) fit within the framework of gay masturbation material?

Hear, hear for equal opportunity exploitation!

I was chatting online last night, and some dude hit me up. We talked some formal chit chat for a little bit before he told me that he’d just had a fight with his boyfriend, had shown his boyfriend my profile, and had told his boyfriend that I was the guy waiting in the wings for him to leave his boyfriend. To which the man said his boyfriend replied, “Well, he’s a pole dancer, so I guess that’s just fucking typical!”

Mhm…

Ring, Ring:

“Hello?”

“Hi, Kettle?”

“Yeah?”

“This is the pot: You’re black.” (Click.)

In all honesty, most women at clubs ignore me completely: I’m shorter than most dancers, I’m nowhere near as aggressive or shadowy (which girls at male strip clubs seem to want more than the nice guys they can see anytime at home), and I make no secret of the fact that I’m gay. I understand completely why I would be invisible to most women at a strip club – there’s really no fantasy that they might seduce me. But every once in a while I will inadvertently charm the ladies. This is becoming more common as I gain muscle mass (because I’ve gradually, over the last several months, become more and more mistaken for heterosexual – it happened three times Friday night and twice on Saturday). Passing for straight isn’t my goal or my priority, but it can be fun playing with people’s expectations, now that presumption doesn’t sit at 100 percent.

There were three women sitting at the bar. Everything I did titillated them. I actually enjoyed this, because I absolutely love women. When I finally came around to them, so that they could talk to me and tip me, they were lovely. Once I was actually there in front of them, two of the three were reluctant to touch me at first. It was taboo, I suppose. The married one had no trouble at all. I thought this was especially marvelous. They liked my ass, biceps, and abs in particular.

“Oh my God! You make me want to go home and fuck my husband!”

“Well… that’s my job.” (I didn’t really know how to respond to this, since I don’t get a chance to chat with girls much at work.)

“It’s too bad you don’t like me.”

“I do like you!”

“It’s too bad you don’t want to fuck me.” (Aha! They do know I’m gay!)

“Susan, I will respect you more than any man you will ever meet.” (Said very coyly with a wink as I kissed her hand.)

“Oh, damn… Respect me some other time!”

I love my work.

Dear Devon,

I know you don’t date, but I’d still like to hear your thoughts on something. I went out last night with a guy that I thought was gonna be awesome. He made it clear that he thought I was a prostitute, because I’m a dancer. He said, “You’re not dating material, even if you think you are.” He also said when he goes to strip clubs he doesn’t pay. He’s a landscape designer, so it’s not like he’s some important person. Why does he get to be so judgmental?

Also, when we first started talking he was right there whenever I’d text or call, but now nothing. During dinner he was texting his friends, telling them my name, just for bragging rights. But now I feel like I have to chase him. He’s beautiful, and I can tell he’s used to getting his way and treating people however he wants. What do you think of all this?

- Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I think he’s an asshole. That’s what I think of all this. Without knowing all the details, let me offer responses to what all I’m sensing in this:

1. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy, simply because of your profession, then you shouldn’t feel bad when you do what’s necessary: Cut. Him. Out. Do it now. He’s using you as a trophy to prop up his own ego.
2. He doesn’t like strippers but he goes to strip clubs? I smell hypocrisy.
3. He doesn’t pay? And it sounds like he doesn’t pay out of a sense of superiority (something particularly irksome that many “hot” patrons do). Whether you ask him this in person or not, ponder the following question: If I were running late to a job interview, and I decided to cut through the flowerbed to save a moment or two, would you think it disrespectful? They’re “just” petunias (never mind that you selected the color, placement, and assemblage; that you had to use your time and energy to plan the bed and get the materials; that you had to invest in planting and nurturing them). If I’m running late for this interview, isn’t it okay for me to trample your silly flowers?
4. Whether or not you’re ready to consider yourself dating material is your own question to answer. You know yourself better than he does. Ignore this bit of ignorance, if possible. I know it’s a hurtful comment, but try to not absorb it.
5. In the book “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Persuit of Perfection” by Tim Bergling, there is a phenomenon described that I’ve referred to before on this blog. The desire/rejection cycle is a real part of everyone’s world, but particularly burdensome for gay men (whose identities are wrapped up in sexuality, and thus whose identities are greatly invested in getting laid… no sex = no existence?). Why are you giving this man power? Because he’s hot? Stop it. Just stop it. He’s a prat, and he doesn’t respect you. I don’t care if he’s a cover model for a workout magazine, you should let this one go. His arrogance and inflated sense of entitlement alone make him ridiculous. If he is accustomed to treating people any which way, then why would he change for you? You rejecting him may be the very experience he needs to help him recognize that his opinions are about as important as anyone else’s.

I know it’s “natural” for people (men especially, and gay men in particular) to jump at touching Adonis (whether in becoming Adonis, obtaining one, or both); however, if you find you are chasing (or that you are being chased), then you aren’t in stride with your partner. A relationship is about relating to someone, not just spending time around him. If I have to chase after you, you are running away from me. If you have to chase after me, I am trying (on some level) to get away from you. How would that ever be happy, fulfilling, or healthy? Find someone who will walk by your side, not in front of or behind you.

In closing, I think that people should be responsible for their own feelings, but not at the expense of the feelings of others. It seems to me that beautiful people should consider owning their looks without becoming mean. The roulette wheel could have stopped one space to the left or right. Your looks are not, hopefully, all you have to offer. And they shouldn’t be used as a weapon. Pride tempered with some humility is very sexy.

Devon Hunter (DH): What do you do at www.GuysDivine.com?
GuysDivine.com (GD): Currently on the site we offer live webcam chats in which we show off the male body, and tease the audience a little in a sometimes sexual manner. We also offer a variety of pictures, but our main focus is the live chats and HD chat archives. We stream live with a webcam, and record the chat at the same time with an HD camcorder, which we later upload to the server for members to download, so they can have lasting enjoyment.

Our future plans are to continue growing on a fitness level, as well as an intimate level by adding more models, fitness pictures, fitness videos, semi-erotic videos/pictures, and fun for all pictures and videos. We try to capture a different side of the male physique other than it being used for simple porn. We also try to make everyone feel like they are a part of the site/family and not just another “member.” I have taken the time more than once to chat with members outside of the site on a friendship basis, and have even made some really good friends this way.

DH: How did you come to decide to create your site?
GD: After modeling for a Florida website and several others I learned that these high income sites can be a little inconsiderate and greedy. After learning the business I was just sick and tired of how these other sites ran their business and how poorly they treated their models. I thought if I could start a site of my own and and run it with some class, then I should do that very thing for myself as well as for others.

As it turned out I had enough of a following that I was able to start www.GuysDivine.com, and support it with only a small group of people who enjoyed watching me chat. Although it has been a ton of work (and also a lot of let downs), I feel it has been well worth the effort, and I think the site is now at a point to where it can really start to grow.

DH: How is your chat site different from other cam sites?
GD: We are sort of a cross-breed of the muscle cam sites and the sexual sites. We do claim to be non-nude; however, sometimes we have been known to do some tasteful nude posing and horseplay. We are now allowing all models to act within their comfort zone, which means if they want to get nude then they can, and if they want to go further than that, then we say go for it. Also I do not know of another site that uses an actual gay couple in its cam shows, not openly at least.

My bf and I do duo chats for the members, as well as individual solo chats too. As of right now he and I are the only guys chatting, because good models are hard to find, and most guys are chasing that dollar no matter how they are treated. Currently we have five new guys on the waiting list, and all we need to do is get them setup and ready to go. Hopefully at least one of these guys will survive. Ha!

DH: In what ways is your work satisfying to you on a professional and/or personal level?
GD: Well, the website is not my profession, and I actually was not sure that it would become what it is today. I definitely do this on a personal level, and the satisfaction I get from it is that it inspires me to keep fit. Lets face it, if I were not in shape I would not be in this business. Also, I guess in a way satisfaction comes from possibly being truly successful in this business without actually compromising my values. I can do the site and not be pressured to do anything I do not want to do just for the sake of a dollar. I think too many people throw their limitations and standards to the side for money, which they will usually regret. My site does not ask anyone to do something that they feel uncomfortable with, period.

DH: You work with your boyfriend on the site. How does sharing intimacy with him for an audience affect your relationship with him?
GD: Our chats our no more intimate than we would want to share, a little kiss here and there or a pat on the ass is hardly anything to hide. Most of our chats are playful and fun, with a little sensual worshiping thrown into the mix. We really do not have anything set to do before these chats, which keeps it fresh and fun. The site really has no negative effect on the relationship at all.

DH: How do people react in favorable ways to your working with your boyfriend? What negative responses do you get, if any?
GD: Everything is great, and we both get a lot of support through the site. People really enjoy seeing us together on the site. The duo chats are by far the most attended chats, because people love interaction. The only negative responses are from people who have never seen what we do, and who automatically think it’s a porn site. Once I respond with an explanation they change their mind pretty fast.

DH: Do you find that your situation is similar to that of exotic dancers, or do my blogs not really speak to your experiences? What would you say to clarify, extend, or correct anything I’ve said about “the biz” as it pertains to what you do?
GD: Although I have not read a lot on your blog, I will say that what I have read does not really have as much in common as some may think. I guess with this being a net thing, opposed to dancing live in front of people, it puts certain issues at bay. When we have a problem with someone we can get rid of them easily with the push of a button and a refund. Ha! For me, I do not think I could dance or show off live, but in the comfort of my own home it works out perfectly.

There will always be a certain favoritism anywhere you go when it comes to models in general, and some people will attend one model’s chats and not anyone else’s, but that is that person’s choice, so I don’t feel the need to stress on favoritism. Only saying that after reading your black dancers blog entry, in which we do not face that problem at all.

DH: How does being a model affect your life when you’re not modeling?
GD: Well, I don’t consider myself a model at all, and in my mind anyone with a decent body and attitude could do what I do. I am nothing special compared to a lot of superbly fit guys out there who put me to shame. Where I guess I differ from them is that I don’t mind showing it off, and I actually enjoy it. I was going to say that life when I am not working on the site is normal, but even when I am doing the site my life is normal. In fact, if I did not do the site that is when I would feel like my life is not normal. It has no effect on me at work or when I am out and about, except for the one time I was asked the chat schedule at the gas station.Ha! Now that caught me off guard!

DH: Is the chatting your only source of work, or do you have other projects and/or jobs as well?
GD: It’s just something I do on the side for fun and an extra source of income. The site could not support me in full, but perhaps one day it possible could. I am completely happy with my profession as a Firefighter for the city where I currently reside (and where I was born). I really have very few hobbies anymore, but some that I hope to pick back up on soon are photography, customizing cars, puzzles, and putting models together. The hobbies that I currently do regularly are working out, watching movies, playing basketball, and doing the website. Nothing beats spending simple time with some friends just chilling.

DH: What advice would you give someone who either wants to start a website or become a model for one?
GD: My advice for starting your website is to be sure you have the time, and that it is something you plan to stick with. It takes time to prosper in the business, unless you have unlimited funds. Get your thoughts and ideas together, and hire a good webmaster if you are not one yourself. I wasted a lot of time trying to do it all on my own, and you will soon find out that there are not enough hours in a day to make this a solo act.

To model for one it is simple. Make sure you got what it takes, and just start filling out forms from different sites. Investigate the ones you like, and then pick one, but never, never sign a contract that will prevent you from going elsewhere afterwards if you see that you are not happy with that organization. Being presented with a contract is another huge factor in me creating my own site. As a model you should always remain a free agent, unless their are large amounts of money at stake, and I do not know of many cam sites that are willing to put up that kind of cash. They are usually the exact opposite.