Devon Hunter

From time to time I encounter or learn about behavior that is so disappointing that it becomes necessary to address it as a point for Career Advice. I think it is time to bring special attention to the three most important guiding principles of Escorting as a modality of Adult Entertainment. There is (or at least there ought to be) a minimum expectation of decorum in any career, and when that lowest measure of professionalism is not only violated but on some level celebrated, a negative stereotype about Adult Entertainers is strengthened, and then it is time for me to refer back to the Mission of this blog, so that poor examples do not become the only examples.

I invite you to consider the information and videos in this story on “The Sword” before continuing, in order to understand the context of what I am going to discuss, and why I feel it is important to do so. Although each person is responsible for his/her own actions and the opportunities or consequences they create, I would like to use this space to remind both potential escorts and the reading/viewing/hiring public that negative stereotypes, although based to some extent on anecdotal situations, do NOT apply to all people within a community or industry. Here are what I consider to be the three guiding principles of Escorting:

1. Discretion – for a client’s privacy. Even if, for whatever inexplicable reason, a client were to request, permit, insist, or encourage you to publicly divulge his/her identity, you should never do so. Regardless of how well the client may think s/he has considered the consequences to him/herself, s/he probably has not considered how this will affect YOU. Being connected in any way to revealing the identity of a client will automatically make you suspect to almost all other clients who might otherwise consider hiring your time. Your judgment, sense, and discernment will be justifiably called into question. Do not bring unnecessary attention to your clients!
2. Discretion – for your behavior. You are in charge of creating your own reality, so you should consider carefully what you do publicly, especially if you are a person of renown. Clients often do a considerable amount of research before hiring a particular escort, and imitating Paris Hilton is not generally considered to be endearing. You attract that which you generate: If you generate trouble/drama/chaos, you will attract people who will create more for you. Again, I tell you to consider carefully your image and brand, so that you can attract the clients you want and enjoy a career that is rewarding to you. If you do something foolish, illegal, cruel, or controversial DO NOT BRAG ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET (unless generating that particular hype and image helps you maintain the brand that attracts the type of clients you want). As “The Sword” illustrates, there are plenty of people who are willing to bring attention to you when you make mistakes, so you don’t need to do anything to help them. Do not bring unnecessary attention to yourself!
3. Discretion – for your opinions. Although it is true that you should be honest with others and yourself, you should also consider how diplomacy factors into what you say. Expressing shock online that a client is “hot” does not merely bring attention to one particular client’s attractiveness. It also, by default of your shock, betrays your true feelings about all your other clients, and is probably a bitter pill for them to swallow when they learn of it. This comment on the “The Sword” needs to be addressed: “Later, after he was given the ‘OK’ by the client, [the escort] tweeted a photo of them together. I concur with [the escort] that [the client] is kind of fucking sexy, for someone who hires escorts. Holy shit.” Let me say this right now: ALL TYPES OF MEN HIRE ESCORTS. I have many attractive clients, some of whom are more attractive than myself. To presume that only one particular type of man hires is to ignore the fact that any number of men will hire for any number of reasons. If you wonder what kind of man hires escorts, go to your local gourmet grocery store at 6 o’clock when everyone has left work, and take a look around at all the people there. These are the men who hire escorts. Do not bring unnecessary attention to people’s vulnerabilities!

I make no secret of the fact that I love Janet Jackson: OMFG ILOVEJANETDAMITAJOJACKSON! OMG!

I think she is one of the most amazing human beings. EVER. I know it’s excruciatingly melodramatic for some of you to bear it, but my eyes water up just typing about her. I admire her for her heart more than anything else, and I have never been a fan who liked her only when she was skinny. I continue to contend with my own eating and body issues (though they trouble me less than in years past, thankfully), so I have never been in a position to judge her on that front. In fact, her new book, “True You” (a self-help book about compassion-for-the-self and attaining-balance-through-setting-sensible-goals), makes me feel even more attuned to her as an artist: All this time when millions of people have thought her stunningly beautiful, she has seen only her “flaws.”

That blows my mind completely out of the water.

But it is EXACTLY the same conversation I’ve been having with myself and with many of the people closest to me over the years. How many times over the decades have I said, “I don’t like (insert perceived flaw),” only to have someone gasp or say incredulously, “But you’re amazing as you are?” It doesn’t matter what someone else tells you, if you don’t believe it. That’s why one of my meditations is: “I am so happy and grateful that I am maintaining or improving, as well as learning to see and appreciate, the beauty in me that so many others already exalt, and that I am humbly luxuriating in that Gift.”

Of all the many quotes I highlighted in Janet’s book, this is the one that sticks out the most for me: “Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Comparisons are almost always harmful. Comparisons mean there’s a winner and loser – and you’re the one who winds up feeling like a loser.”

True.

I really can’t think of a single instance during my past struggles with Anorexia or Dysmorphia, or my current struggles with feelings of inadequacy in Adult Entertainment, that didn’t grow out of comparison. But I also have to pat myself on the back in retrospect: There have been many situations where I recognized that contests, auditions, competitions, and/or pageants would have done nothing but fuel a fire that was already burning hot enough, so I have mostly avoided them. I don’t win in those types of scenarios: My esteem doesn’t hold under that type of pressure. I am best when I do what I enjoy within its own context. I am most beautiful when I’m allowed to nurture my own sense of presence and style. I fail miserably almost every time I have to “win.” I hate winning. I love excelling. I flourish when I’m allowed to express my “true you,” and I generally get aggressive, defensive, belligerent, or pessimistic when I have to do something that will be judged against something or someone else. It’s one of the reasons that I have never played sports, despite being athletic. It’s the reason I detest gyms, despite being a trainer who works out with a trainer. It’s the reason I am quite content NOT to get nominated for video/escorting/blogging awards – God forbid I should “lose” publicly. I am very happy to leave awards to those with the audacity to sell themselves on Twitter for votes.

I loathe that type of activity. It doesn’t motivate me. It makes me feel inadequate, I cease to try, I don’t “win,” it reinforces why I didn’t want to do whatever it was in the first place, and then I’m left feeling bitter.

That’s why I have to remind myself from time to time, in various ways, that I don’t want or need to “win.” I get an incredible amount of satisfaction from a job well done (whatever I might be doing), and I prefer enjoying the intrinsic value of accomplishment (which cannot be taken), rather than getting accolades from others (which cannot be maintained).

I hope you have discovered, or on the path to discovering, your “true you.” I hope I’m getting closer to that, too. Thank you, Janet, for reminding me to continue growing. (See the response to this in Part 2 and Part 3).

Okay, a little background about what’s going on lately. I’ve been pretty open about being an escort with just about everyone. I tend to treat it the way Madonna did when pictures of her came out in Penthouse way back in 1985. Her response was something on the order of, “Yeah. And?” It kinda killed that particular controversy.

I didn’t become an escort to shock people. In fact that has nothing to do with it at all. I embraced it knowing it would be controversial, but I didn’t make the choice for controversy’s sake. And it’s a good thing, too: No one I’ve met thus far has been particularly shocked. Not that I’m disappointed, but it’s rather surprising. Family, potential partners, friends, and readers all have the same response: “Okay, just be careful. I’m not gonna judge you.”

This is fabulous on the one hand, but it raises a question on the other: Have we, on some level at least, moved into the post-controversy era? Have so many people been exposed as adult video models and exotic dancers on American Idol that no one cares anymore? Did reality TV finally drive the first nail into the coffin of prudence/prurience? I certainly hope so.

As far as family goes: Mom knows. So does Gramma. My sister knows. I told Dad, and he took it as a compliment to himself that his son is a “stud” (even though I’m adopted, and it’s not his genes at work per se). I’ve not told Dad’s mother, because although she is probably a teensy bit more liberal than she pretends, she does still send me conservative political emails about what Rush Limbaugh “thinks,” so I just don’t wanna go there right now. I’ve not told my uncles, but I’m not close enough to most of them for it to matter, and Uncle Greg would probably just laugh and give me his rendition of the Celtic Warriors’ greeting (which is using the heel of the palm to rub quick circles in the center of the friend’s chest while grunting “AAAAAARGH!”).

My friends haven’t judged me negatively at all. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Not a single one is anything but supportive.

In terms of personal relationships with other men: I didn’t escort until after breaking it off with Steve last summer, so there was no one to tell until Matt back in December. He didn’t care about that. He has other issues, but my escorting isn’t one of them. “J” (someone I’ve talked to on and off for nearly four years, but never dated) decided to finally pursue me right in the middle of this Matt situation, and he isn’t offended (in fact, he asked if I thought he could use escorting to pay off his house). “A” is another guy who has shown interest, both in me and in escorting. Shawn, a model in D.C., is definitely not put off by it. In short, while I’m trying to heal from Matt there are people pursuing me who aren’t allowing my being a courtesan to dissuade them in the least. How fucking irritating! OMG!

To put all this into context, a reader in Canada named Doug shows my blog to his mother. Doug is about Mom’s age, if not a few years older. His mother is thus older than Gramma. She said to Doug that I am “possessed of the refined sensibilities that demand a well-appointed house.” Aside from being utterly charming in an Old World Colonial manner, her comment shows that even Canadians of a certain age don’t care about all this (but they have a vastly different sexual culture north of the U.S. border). She went on to say that I “should marry a doctor.” Doug is going to ask her advice for me on finding a well-appointed man. She is concerned about my safety in escorting, to which I replied, “I meet worse men dating than I ever have escorting.” Doug’s father has said, “When men say they love you, remember that they also love Ketchup.” Mhm. Perhaps I should stop threatening to move to Canada and just do it?

So, all in all, I’ve been expecting a big hullabaloo, but society at large has given me the Madonna treatment: Yeah. And?

I think I’m completed elated by this.

PS

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