Devon Hunter

Dear Devon,

I know you don’t date, but I’d still like to hear your thoughts on something. I went out last night with a guy that I thought was gonna be awesome. He made it clear that he thought I was a prostitute, because I’m a dancer. He said, “You’re not dating material, even if you think you are.” He also said when he goes to strip clubs he doesn’t pay. He’s a landscape designer, so it’s not like he’s some important person. Why does he get to be so judgmental?

Also, when we first started talking he was right there whenever I’d text or call, but now nothing. During dinner he was texting his friends, telling them my name, just for bragging rights. But now I feel like I have to chase him. He’s beautiful, and I can tell he’s used to getting his way and treating people however he wants. What do you think of all this?

- Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I think he’s an asshole. That’s what I think of all this. Without knowing all the details, let me offer responses to what all I’m sensing in this:

1. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy, simply because of your profession, then you shouldn’t feel bad when you do what’s necessary: Cut. Him. Out. Do it now. He’s using you as a trophy to prop up his own ego.
2. He doesn’t like strippers but he goes to strip clubs? I smell hypocrisy.
3. He doesn’t pay? And it sounds like he doesn’t pay out of a sense of superiority (something particularly irksome that many “hot” patrons do). Whether you ask him this in person or not, ponder the following question: If I were running late to a job interview, and I decided to cut through the flowerbed to save a moment or two, would you think it disrespectful? They’re “just” petunias (never mind that you selected the color, placement, and assemblage; that you had to use your time and energy to plan the bed and get the materials; that you had to invest in planting and nurturing them). If I’m running late for this interview, isn’t it okay for me to trample your silly flowers?
4. Whether or not you’re ready to consider yourself dating material is your own question to answer. You know yourself better than he does. Ignore this bit of ignorance, if possible. I know it’s a hurtful comment, but try to not absorb it.
5. In the book “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Persuit of Perfection” by Tim Bergling, there is a phenomenon described that I’ve referred to before on this blog. The desire/rejection cycle is a real part of everyone’s world, but particularly burdensome for gay men (whose identities are wrapped up in sexuality, and thus whose identities are greatly invested in getting laid… no sex = no existence?). Why are you giving this man power? Because he’s hot? Stop it. Just stop it. He’s a prat, and he doesn’t respect you. I don’t care if he’s a cover model for a workout magazine, you should let this one go. His arrogance and inflated sense of entitlement alone make him ridiculous. If he is accustomed to treating people any which way, then why would he change for you? You rejecting him may be the very experience he needs to help him recognize that his opinions are about as important as anyone else’s.

I know it’s “natural” for people (men especially, and gay men in particular) to jump at touching Adonis (whether in becoming Adonis, obtaining one, or both); however, if you find you are chasing (or that you are being chased), then you aren’t in stride with your partner. A relationship is about relating to someone, not just spending time around him. If I have to chase after you, you are running away from me. If you have to chase after me, I am trying (on some level) to get away from you. How would that ever be happy, fulfilling, or healthy? Find someone who will walk by your side, not in front of or behind you.

In closing, I think that people should be responsible for their own feelings, but not at the expense of the feelings of others. It seems to me that beautiful people should consider owning their looks without becoming mean. The roulette wheel could have stopped one space to the left or right. Your looks are not, hopefully, all you have to offer. And they shouldn’t be used as a weapon. Pride tempered with some humility is very sexy.

I’ve given thousands of lap dances, spreading joy and wonder throughout the world. HA! At any rate, there’s no way I can remember every dance I’ve done, but there are dances that stand out in my memory as amongst those I’ve enjoyed. It’s completely and utterly inaccurate to think that only unattractive men pay for lap dances. One of the perks of this job is that on a fairly regular basis I get paid to rub on hot guys. Let me also say that my enjoying a dance doesn’t necessarily imply that I was sexually aroused or attracted to the person I was dancing for (although that happens quite a bit).

Last night I gave another dance to one of the most charming men-of-a-certain-age I’ve ever met. Dale: He embodies Lap Dance Etiquette. It’s just amazing. If he isn’t a poet, he should be. He is completely enamoured of sensuality (not sex itself, but the whisper of its potential), and he genuinely enjoys every nuance of touch, sight, sound, smell (and dare I say taste?). With him I find myself moving in slow motion, not because he intoxicates me but because his intoxication is beguiling. He falls into a dream-like haze, and his utter joy is registered all over his face and body. I was wearing a spicey fragrance last night, and I honestly worried for a moment that he might pass out when I enveloped my arms tightly around his head and neck. I feed off the energy of others, and his transparent ecstacy isn’t simply flattering, it’s also infectious.

There are many, many occasions when I give a dance to someone who is so attractive that I almost feel obliged to tip them. Something else that is common is for me to get an erection while giving a dance. What is not as common is for a dance to turn me on so much that I forget I’m working and fall into the fantasy that they have created for me (quite a nice change of pace). That has happened three times, but I’m only going to tell you about two of them…

James came in for a birthday dance, but I have to say I didn’t do very much. He picked me up off the chair, holding me such that we were face to face with my arms and legs wrapped around his neck and torso. He pressed my back against the wall and proceded to show me a thing or three. LOL I mean… WOW. He. Werk’d. Me. Out. For about four songs. That dance fueled some fantasies for almost six months, so when I bumped into him randomly at a park nine months after his birthday I made it clear that I wanted a naked repeat. Whew!

One dance I did recently involved an acquaintance from a site where I chat with athletic gay guys. He lives in Atlanta and is easily one of the sexiest men I’ve ever seen (click to, ahem… enlarge). He said he was going to come see me at Swinging Richards on Thanksgiving. Not only did he actually show up, he had a beautiful friend with him, and they wanted a dance… OMGOMGOMG… LOL I want to say that this ended up being the hottest dance I’ve done so far. So erotic, in fact, that everyone in VIP stopped and watched. Nothing like a Devon sandwich to fill you up. No, we never had sex, but my knees still buckle at the memory.