The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Before I begin, I want to first acknowledge (though not necessarily apologize) for the way in which my writing goes through some definite mood swings. There are times when I have a great many situations to discuss, and I can pick more variety of tone; however, I am having one of those weeks where everything blog-worthy is heavy… I’m writing this at 5:30 a.m., which seems to be more the norm than the exception lately. I do this, because some experiences are best described after some times passes, and others need immediate comment.

I know a patron who has always spoken to me in spiritual terms. The first time I ever met him he wanted to give me a massage and align my chakras. Such is the club: You meet people of all backgrounds and beliefs. This particular person is a mystical type, though I am not quite convinced his powers are attuned to the level he himself believes. At any rate, when he asks me to pray for something on his behalf I generally agree to the wish and send out a private moment of hope. I have done this, because his requests have always been constructive and/or productive (if not odd and eccentric).

This time, however, I am having difficulty…

He wants me to pray for his father to die. Dude, I just wanted to dance naked for you for like eight minutes. This is getting to be rather more than I bargained for. On the one hand I understand that he wants his father’s suffering to end (and by extension, his mother’s), but on the other hand how am I supposed to send out an earnest wish for this person to fall down dead?

“Well, when I had a prayer circle to ask for his recovery after his first surgery, that went well. So I figured if I could get enough people to pray for him to die during his second surgery, he’d finally just get on with it.”

Normally I would just smile and nod at a strange request without really doing anything about it, but something about the way this patron sincerely hopes his father dies struck me as something worth talking about, even if I’m not entirely sure how I feel about being asked to contribute in any way to someone’s demise. I have known friends and family members who have sickened, or been injured, and who have passed away. I have had many friends who have had this experience and talked about it with me. Of course I don’t want their deaths to be painful or protracted, yet do I dare to admit that I hoped for their passings? Maybe, but only as a reprieve from suffering. But I suppose the real question behind this post is this: How lonely (or insert other adjective here) does someone have to be to ask in the middle of a nude dance an exotic dancer he sees once or twice in a month to synergize with the others who are sending out a prayer for death?

What am I even supposed to pray, even if I agree to this (which I’m not sure I do)? “I ask for a peaceful resolution and transition for this person’s spirit.” That’s an eloquent way of saying “God, please kill this person.” What if this patron’s father goes into his operation praying for life? (This is a good example of how ridiculous it is when opposing armies of the same faith both intone God’s favor as justificiation for victory on the field of battle.)

Honestly, this may very well be the first post I’ve written on here for which I feel absolutely zero closure after describing what I’ve experienced. Jeez… I was just shaking my pecker at him… and he unloads this on me… I need to be charging more for VIP’s.

“The universe knows what it’s doing.”

“I have to trust that everything happens for a reason.”

“God gives us only what we can shoulder.”

“Everthing will turn out okay in the end.”

There is a particular grace required to truly be content, despite any particular dissapointments life throws at us. The question of issues surrounding race has come up, and I intend to address it; however, I was speaking with a friend last night, and it occurred to me that there was a topic I wanted to address first: The humility of acceptance.

The platitudes above are clichés. But a statement becomes cliché, because it is repeated. And it is repeated, hopefully, because it’s true. “Everything will turn out okay in the end” can be a very frustrating default response when you’re telling someone your worries or troubles. It can seem like a shallow response (and if there’s no thought behind it, then it is). However, that type of reassurance, when it’s invested with real faith, is actually a compliment to you and to Creation: The person who says it believes you are strong enough to get past the challenge, and that person also believes Life has a purpose that will include you.

I was supposed to be famous by the time I was 22. I was supposed to have my debt paid off by now. Of all the men I’ve cherished, at least one of them one supposed to be nice to me. I could go on and on. But to what end? Focusing on not getting what you think you wanted just encourages bitterness and disappointment. I’m trying to learn to accept that I really do believe that everything happens for a reason.

I’m bracing myself for the possibility that I won’t be accepted into the Physical Therapy program I applied for. I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Do I want to get accepted? Definitely! Will I be disappointed if I’m not? Probably. But won’t life go on regardless? Indubitably!

If I’m not accepted into that program, well… then I’ll keep on as I am (which ain’t so bad, mind you!), and keep looking for other options. I know I eventually need to make a life/career transition, so I’ll just come up with other options. In the meantime, I do have a workable plan to get my debt paid off, and THAT takes a huge load off my mind. It’s feasible, and I am excited to start it into motion. There are lots of people who run to me, male and female, who are nice to me, who respect me, and who treat me with care; so worrying about persons of the XY persuasion who do not make me feel good is not a reasonable option. The fame… well, looking at Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, and other victims of rampant “success,” I think that being known and respected at the level I am is compliment enough (for now).

Coming back into the light half of the year, I’m re-remembering that balance is a dynamic, active breath between polarities, often at the halfway point (but not always). When dancing, true balance is when you are weightless and effortless in your body, but it cannot be achieved without exerting and maintaining great energy. There’s something zen about that fact: Without the proper tone, extension in all directions, and a sense of expansion (all which require a great deal of exertion), the moment of float cannot be. And it is just a moment.

Anyway, somehow in all that what I’m trying to say is that you can’t be happy without actively creating it. If it seems like the world is denying you what you want, or if you feel blocked repeatedly, consider whether what you want is even feasible/possible/productive/heathful/positive and whether the way you’re going about trying to get it is even a means to that end. And if, despite all your rethinking and reordering, you still do not achieve something particular, then, so long as you aren’t compromising your safety or health (or that of others), consider being content without. Letting go of one desire frees your hands to grasp something even better.

William Forsythe, one of the most brilliant choreographers of the last 50 years, said to us repeatedly at UCLA: “No hope. No fear.” He meant that every moment can be beautiful, if you let it be exactly what it is, without trying to force your hopes (which can be dashed) upon anything. He is a master of improvisation, and he wouldn’t be able to do that if he were investing set expectations on everything. There is nothing you can’t do, so long as you keep all your options open at all times. If you go in “knowing” what you want, there is a much greater chance you will not get it. Having a more generalized sense of what would be nice, and being open to different paths of approaching it, means you have almost no chance for failing.

Do not say “Everything will be okay in the end,” unless you really mean it. Wasting the thought waters it down. Thou shalt not speak clichés in vain. Use this phrase as a mantra to encourage you, not as a bored statement of defeat. Let your surrender be the means to your advantage, and your defeat will become a victory.

Here’s something that comes up with a little bit of frequency: When I’m not doing anything more productive with myself, I enjoy chatting on ManHunt. While I was still hiding in my cave in 2008, it became my primary source of socializing, since I had trepedations about being around people face-to-face. Because I don’t dance in Charlotte it hasn’t happened much, but occasionally someone in another city will check out the Charlotte list, and then I’ve got a patron talking to me on a site that is designed specifically for hooking up.

How awkward.

This is the reason: ManHunt is a place for getting free sex from other users. I chat there primarily to socialize through chat (although I have met people from the site as well – some were for coffee, others were for sex, others were friends I knew from off ManHunt). So then, exactly how does one navigate the situation when a patron who pays for lap dances sees an adult entertainer online at a place like ManHunt, and then makes a proposition for free sex? The patron isn’t out of line, since the entertainer is in a sexualized environment, but how can the entertainer walk the tight rope of not blurring business and pleasure?

It really depends on the situation. I have one friend in Columbia, we’ll pretend his name is John, and when we see each other on the site we flirt and chat, but he never crosses any lines. He’s a gentleman and a friend, and it’s simply not an issue with him. He’s not overbearing in person, and he doesn’t make presumptions online. I’m his doodle bug, and he’s my wee boy. I am totally comfortable talking to him on ManHunt. I see a couple of the other dancers from Columbia, and that too is a non-issue. None of us sleep together, and it’s just chat. However, there have been ManHunt members who are patrons from Atlanta and other cities who do try to make a sexual connection through ManHunt.

I simply keep the conversation polite and simple. I don’t flirt or use innuendo. I answer questions simply and keep my inquiries general. It would be very complicated to hook up with a patron. I can invision far, far too many difficulties in such a scenario. I do not suggest allowing the two to overlap. The other option is to simply not visit these types of websites, but I’ve made some nice chat friends on ManHunt, and bumping into patrons is rare. It’s even more rare that the few patrons I see try to go futher than chatting. Thus far it’s not been a problem, but when it comes up I treat it like I do when I bump into a patron unexpectedly in public. Be aware that cyber stalking is a potential risk from chatting online at hook up sites. Pay attention to whether or not a patron’s behavior changes in person/online after he has found your username.

Yesterday was absolutely amazing…

I know that I am the type of person who has to experience and explore all the minutiae in a situation, even the really, really, really unpleasant ones. I have to run my fingers mentally along every sharp edge, and I have to get cut every way possible in order to grasp whatever stone it is I’m holding at the time. And I don’t just grasp it, I squeeze it hard, holding it deep inside myself and using the intensity of my emotions to superheat it. I take the lumps of coal in my life, and in my own slow, painstaking process, I turn them into diamonds. It cannot be rushed. It cannot be abbreviated. The process is as important as, if not more precious than, the product. It can take years.

About a month ago I began an excrutiating journey, looking at the way I form bonds with people and the ways in which I process interactions with them. I was given a tiny piece of information Saturday night at PT1109 by someone who didn’t even know how valuable his gift to me was: Based on how I now know he jumps from person to person in a desparate bid to find someone who can get him to feel something, I now know and totally embrace the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong with/to Allen. I was right to say good-bye and walk away.

With that one little keystone in place, my arches were suddenly completely solid and sure. They will stand for thousands of years. All the doubt that was making my walls unsteady is gone: I know that my instinct is a true foundation, and now I am completely comfortable building on the truth that I am responsible only for my own actions and feelings. And if that means that I judge someone or some situation to be incompatible with me for whatever reason, I do not have to justify it or apologize for it. I cannot doubt it. It is enough to realize that my instinct has spoken. Of course it’s easy for anyone to simply say these altruisms, but how intimately do people in general resonate with the truth of them? I no longer simply feel the truth in it, I know it. I have faith in it. This truth is as much a part of me now as my identity is.

With this diamond coming out of the mine, others began coming forth as well: If Allen’s emotional situation isn’t my fault, then it isn’t my fault that Scott or Michael abused me. I now don’t even feel as I need to offer the weak apology, “It takes two to tango – I tolerated it.” Fuck that. They intimidated, manipulated, and abused me, and the reason I “tolerated” it is because I didn’t have the time and space I needed to process it quicker. It’s hard enough to be responsible for me, so I refuse to do it for them. So, now that also means that Randy isn’t my fault either. Neither is my Dad. Neither are the homophobes who tried to grind me into dust. These people have to carry the responsibility for their own actions, I cannot do it for them anymore.

With that truth then comes this one: I love people, but I do not have to sacrifice everything in myself for them. If I give until my wings are tattered, that’s my choice, but I can choose more carefully to whom I give. Also, I will give because it feels good to me to do so, not because I am trying to fix the recipient. I feel the need to reiterate Devon’s Platinum Rule: Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.

I have been happiest in my life when I have been on my own. If you are in a relationship, and if you are happy, that’s great. BUT PLEASE DON’T PUSH YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS ON OTHERS. “Aw, but you’re so great – why are you alone?” Because… I FUCKING LIKE IT! I cannot say it enough: Being alone and being lonely are not necessarily the same. Not everyone is wired for long term situations: I do not need a man, I want a man. There is a huge gulf of difference between the two. I am so freaking pleased with being totally and utterly me, without having to make silly compromises about how I fold my socks or whether I load the dishwasher “properly.” I can lay a huge portion of my past challenges in this life at the feet of my relationships (e.g. anorexia, dysmorphia, inability to accept compliments, fear of vulnerability, etc.).

Whoever I meet as a perspective partner from this point forward had better be strong enough to be my man. He’d better have a fetish for big fellas too: My body might be only 5’7″ and 150 pounds, but my soul is at least 6′ and 180 pounds. He’d better be mature enough to mean it when he says, “I want you to tell me what you’re thinking and feeling.”

I would encourage anyone who has (or wants to develop) the emotional fortitude to stand it, to not push the grains of sand away immediately. When appropriate for you personally (actually, that is a misnomer, since irritation generally doesn’t feel appropriate), take those tiny spurs and embrace them. Lacquer them with your meditation, and turn them into pearls. I do not mean to say that you should look for agony, but there can be an exquisite type of beauty born of suffering. Do you think the earth felt nothing in forming its many staggering landscapes? Without becoming a martyr or masochistic about it, find the strength to surround your pain with wisdom.

Dear Devon,

I just finished reading one of your blogs and I think you may be able to give me some insight in a situation I find myself in.

In the past 2 months, I met a guy. He is a massage therapist, ex dancer. He constantly is placing ads on Craigs List to get clients. I felt we had hit it off the first session. I went back to a second session and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nothing happened sexually. Since then I have reached out to him via emai. I had sent him flowers for Valentine’s Day to cheer him up. I later found out he had recently broken up with his bf.

This past weekend we were supposed to meet for a bite and then do something. I was hoping to get to talk to him as to the status of our relationship. Client, friend, more. I really do not want to be his rebound bf. He has acknowledged that I am a very nice person and he really appreciates me. We never met on Saturday, he said he showed up at the bar, did not see me and went to another bar. I found this out after texting him where he was. He did send me a nice apology email after I had sent a scathing email to him. He promised to make it up to me.

I just do not know how to handle this. There is at least 20+ years difference between us and I have set up my walls long time ago. I think they are crumbling.

Thanks for reading this. I really did not want to dump this on you.

- L

L,

It’s time for some honesty here: I saw so many red flags that what I think you really want is for me to confirm them, so that you don’t feel bad for seeing them too.

1) he just broke up with someone
2) you don’t want to be a rebound
3) if you felt a “connection,” he’s doing his job as an entertainer
4) there’s 20 years between you
5) he’s not putting the same effort into it that you are
6) he’s too nice to risk hurting your feelings or risk losing your business
7) you have walls up
8 ) he probably does too
9) you’re already becoming possessive and there’s nothing to base it upon
10) you may be looking for something that simply isn’t part of what this person can offer you

I would say that you should not punish him by stopping the sessions. You enjoyed his touch. Why can it not simply be that? His touch heals you on some level. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that he has to give you everything else too. Be content with enjoying what you can from him, or you will lose not only his touch, but also anything else. He needs time to heal. Give him that respect. You have walls up – you know what it’s like to hurt. Let him have his pain. We need it to grow.

I hope this helps.

xo
Devon

EDIT: Whether intended or not, this is bordering on invasion of privacy. This is exactly why so many entertainers have difficulty socializing outside of work, and why so many people who aren’t in “the biz” think us cold. Until you really know that you are welcome behind the Velvet Rope, you should not insert yourself there. You risk alienating a potential friend, being seen as a threat, and getting your feelings hurt. Remember that Adult Entertainment is a career: We are purveyors of fantasy. You do our service a disservice by complicating it unnecessarily. Try to remember what it is you are paying for – if you get wrapped up (temporarily) in the fantasy, we are doing our jobs well; however, remember that reality is still waiting for you afterwards.