Devon Hunter

I was chatting online last night, and some dude hit me up. We talked some formal chit chat for a little bit before he told me that he’d just had a fight with his boyfriend, had shown his boyfriend my profile, and had told his boyfriend that I was the guy waiting in the wings for him to leave his boyfriend. To which the man said his boyfriend replied, “Well, he’s a pole dancer, so I guess that’s just fucking typical!”

Mhm…

Ring, Ring:

“Hello?”

“Hi, Kettle?”

“Yeah?”

“This is the pot: You’re black.” (Click.)

In all honesty, most women at clubs ignore me completely: I’m shorter than most dancers, I’m nowhere near as aggressive or shadowy (which girls at male strip clubs seem to want more than the nice guys they can see anytime at home), and I make no secret of the fact that I’m gay. I understand completely why I would be invisible to most women at a strip club - there’s really no fantasy that they might seduce me. But every once in a while I will inadvertently charm the ladies. This is becoming more common as I gain muscle mass (because I’ve gradually, over the last several months, become more and more mistaken for heterosexual - it happened three times Friday night and twice on Saturday). Passing for straight isn’t my goal or my priority, but it can be fun playing with people’s expectations, now that presumption doesn’t sit at 100 percent.

There were three women sitting at the bar. Everything I did titillated them. I actually enjoyed this, because I absolutely love women. When I finally came around to them, so that they could talk to me and tip me, they were lovely. Once I was actually there in front of them, two of the three were reluctant to touch me at first. It was taboo, I suppose. The married one had no trouble at all. I thought this was especially marvelous. They liked my ass, biceps, and abs in particular.

“Oh my God! You make me want to go home and fuck my husband!”

“Well… that’s my job.” (I didn’t really know how to respond to this, since I don’t get a chance to chat with girls much at work.)

“It’s too bad you don’t like me.”

“I do like you!”

“It’s too bad you don’t want to fuck me.” (Aha! They do know I’m gay!)

“Susan, I will respect you more than any man you will ever meet.” (Said very coyly with a wink as I kissed her hand.)

“Oh, damn… Respect me some other time!”

I love my work.

Dear Devon,

I know you don’t date, but I’d still like to hear your thoughts on something. I went out last night with a guy that I thought was gonna be awesome. He made it clear that he thought I was a prostitute, because I’m a dancer. He said, “You’re not dating material, even if you think you are.” He also said when he goes to strip clubs he doesn’t pay. He’s a landscape designer, so it’s not like he’s some important person. Why does he get to be so judgmental?

Also, when we first started talking he was right there whenever I’d text or call, but now nothing. During dinner he was texting his friends, telling them my name, just for bragging rights. But now I feel like I have to chase him. He’s beautiful, and I can tell he’s used to getting his way and treating people however he wants. What do you think of all this?

- Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I think he’s an asshole. That’s what I think of all this. Without knowing all the details, let me offer responses to what all I’m sensing in this:

1. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy, simply because of your profession, then you shouldn’t feel bad when you do what’s necessary: Cut. Him. Out. Do it now. He’s using you as a trophy to prop up his own ego.
2. He doesn’t like strippers but he goes to strip clubs? I smell hypocrisy.
3. He doesn’t pay? And it sounds like he doesn’t pay out of a sense of superiority (something particularly irksome that many “hot” patrons do). Whether you ask him this in person or not, ponder the following question: If I were running late to a job interview, and I decided to cut through the flowerbed to save a moment or two, would you think it disrespectful? They’re “just” petunias (never mind that you selected the color, placement, and assemblage; that you had to use your time and energy to plan the bed and get the materials; that you had to invest in planting and nurturing them). If I’m running late for this interview, isn’t it okay for me to trample your silly flowers?
4. Whether or not you’re ready to consider yourself dating material is your own question to answer. You know yourself better than he does. Ignore this bit of ignorance, if possible. I know it’s a hurtful comment, but try to not absorb it.
5. In the book “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Persuit of Perfection” by Tim Bergling, there is a phenomenon described that I’ve referred to before on this blog. The desire/rejection cycle is a real part of everyone’s world, but particularly burdensome for gay men (whose identities are wrapped up in sexuality, and thus whose identities are greatly invested in getting laid… no sex = no existence?). Why are you giving this man power? Because he’s hot? Stop it. Just stop it. He’s a prat, and he doesn’t respect you. I don’t care if he’s a cover model for a workout magazine, you should let this one go. His arrogance and inflated sense of entitlement alone make him ridiculous. If he is accustomed to treating people any which way, then why would he change for you? You rejecting him may be the very experience he needs to help him recognize that his opinions are about as important as anyone else’s.

I know it’s “natural” for people (men especially, and gay men in particular) to jump at touching Adonis (whether in becoming Adonis, obtaining one, or both); however, if you find you are chasing (or that you are being chased), then you aren’t in stride with your partner. A relationship is about relating to someone, not just spending time around him. If I have to chase after you, you are running away from me. If you have to chase after me, I am trying (on some level) to get away from you. How would that ever be happy, fulfilling, or healthy? Find someone who will walk by your side, not in front of or behind you.

In closing, I think that people should be responsible for their own feelings, but not at the expense of the feelings of others. It seems to me that beautiful people should consider owning their looks without becoming mean. The roulette wheel could have stopped one space to the left or right. Your looks are not, hopefully, all you have to offer. And they shouldn’t be used as a weapon. Pride tempered with some humility is very sexy.

Last week there was a bit of a crisis with one of my friends and his girlfriend. She’d found some text messages on his phone that were (to an uninformed eye) extrememly shady and hurtful at best. I had to explain to her why she should not be upset about this particular set of messages from another woman. I was surprised that after nearly a year there were so many details she wasn’t aware of. My friend should have explained better what his interactions are, but also his girlfriend should have been asking more questions.

Here are some details that the lovers of entertainers need to know:

1. For the most part your partner is probably not cheating on you. If your partner has not explained it to you thoroughly, you have to understand that we sell fantasies. Our patrons know this. It’s what they want. Unfortunately, sometimes they get wrapped up in their own ideas. If you come across incriminating messages, talk to your partner. An honest, transparent conversation will likely reveal a situation where your partner is saying that which needs to be said in order to maintain the patron’s interest. Only you and your partner know the rules in your relationship - as long as those boundaries aren’t transgressed, then you’ll simply have to adjust to this particular detail in your partner’s career.
2. If you find your partner saying bizarre stuff to certain people, ROLL WITH IT. At a moment’s notice you have to be ready to fall in along side in the little make believe bubble that can unexpectedly alight on us. If entertainers go to the grocery store, laundrymat, gas station, or some other public place, we are likely to bump into people who know us from the club. We have to instantly fall into that roll. If you’re there, you have to follow. Just smile and nod about whatever your partner is saying, no matter how outlandish it seems to you. This is part of dating an entertainer: Maintaining fantasies. If you don’t like it… well… there you have it.
3. Most dancers choose to separate their personal lives from their work lives. There are many important and practical reasons for this, as is illustrated in my blog about stalkers. We do this to protect ourselves and you. Don’t screw it up. I’ve known entertainers who have broken relationships off with people they deeply loved over this. Privacy is sacred. Only certain individuals are allowed behind the velvet rope.
4. If your partner denies you, there is a reason for it. If you learn of your partner saying s/he’s single or recently single (and you’re surprised by it), address it in private. Your partner is probably saying this, so as to seem more available. I personally don’t date, in order to avoid these complications; however, other people are wired differently, and since they want relationships they have to learn to balance all this. Do not freak out if it gets back to you that so-and-so says s/he’s single. It’s part of the illusion.
5. Communication is important in any relationship, but is exponentially more important when you date a professional flirt and/or sex worker. These types of scenarios are not the standard form of coupling by any means. There will be many stressors that other relationships wouldn’t survive; however, if you choose to be with an adult entertainer, you have to accept that the old-school mold won’t fit you. There should be clearly identified boundaries that you both agree to. Honesty and transparency become more important in non-traditional relationships of any kind, so stop worrying in your head and starting talking about your fears/concerns.
6. We deal with lots of ups and downs emotionally from this work. Being understanding, patient, supportive, and accepting goes all LONG way towards healing rifts.
7. People change (and yet they do not). If it gets to the point that you are no longer happy, it is best to make it known. It is also not fair to throw past experiences about “infidelity” in an entertainer’s face if you were willing to tolerate them. Deal with the present, not the past.
8. Don’t snoop. Privacy is sacred. If you have questions, ask them. If you go searching for trouble, you will find it or invent it. If you’re dating a liar, leave him/her. If you’re dating someone who has told you everything, then you’re being obssessive, and the entertainer should leave you.
9. As Prince sang a long time ago: “Trust: it makes you a real lover. Trust!” Until you’re given a (true) reason to doubt, then you’ll do much better by paying attention and giving trust a try.
10. Avoid allowing various details to pile up and upset you. It’s better to address something directly while it’s still manageable, rather than to go to sleep angry. Accepting as truth rumors and gossip from outsiders is a great way to ruin your relationship. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.