The online diary of a gay courtesan.

-1 + 1 = 0

It was brought to my attention that there are sites that do nothing but discuss the material that is generated at places like Sean Cody, Corbin Fisher, and Randy Blue. What’s more, it was brought to my attention that people can respond to those critiques/discussions. There are so many opinions out there… It’s pretty amazing how much they can differ from person to person or site to site. It’s also amazing the extent to which some people try to invade the privacy of others.

What I have read essentially brings me to balance: There are at least 15 sites I have found that have discussed and/or reviewed my solo at Sean Cody. This was not something I’d thought to consider before I did it. It never occurred to me that there were full-time movie critics and peanut galleries for Sean Cody; however, these not only exist, they proliferate in large numbers. And that is what is interesting: I am only one person, and yet some of the responses I elicited from people were as divergent as you could possibly imagine.

Some people were revolted at the thought of me being gay and 32 years old. Others liked me specifically because of it. There were as many comments that I was fugly as there were that I was gorgeous. All of the reviews themselves were glowing, but it was the conversations that followed that could be startling. And yet, after all that reading, what I have finally accepted is that I am who I am, and that’s going to just have to be good enough.

So, although some people have called me a pasty grub and others have called me a creamy boystud; and although some have called me a nelly gay-faced homo, while others refer to me as a hot gay jock; and whereas there are people who think me ancient and/or decrepit, there are others who applaud me for admitting my age (which makes me seem, to them, even more youthful); and since in the same conversation there are people who think I am nothing arguing along side of people who think I am everything… What all this essentially means is that all the negatives are cancelled out by positives, and I’m left right where I was before: Me.

And that’s not such a bad scenario. :)

July 12, 2009   13 Comments

Dear John…

Dear Devon,

By the time you read this I will be gone. We’ve been together so long, that it hurts me to leave you. I want you to know that I’ll always be there waiting. Even if it’s only in your memories. You don’t need me anymore, so I have to say goodbye.

You turned 33 yesterday (excuse me, 24 for the ninth time). It was an amazingly beautiful day in Charlotte, NC. The sun was bright, but not scalding. The sky was such a dark blue. That delicious breeze was warm and soft. Just perfect. The Goddess couldn’t have sent better weather to celebreate the most important day of your year. And what a great start you had: The mechanics fixed the car for free, you spent time with some good friends, and then you ate some nice food. I enjoyed sitting there watching you, my hand on your shoulder. I have enjoyed touching you so deeply. I was sure that we’d be together forever. But yesterday something changed.

Last night your solo video for Sean Cody was debuted. On your birthday no less! How the fates do it… I just don’t know. But that video clip, and the stills from it, have ruined any chance we have of being together. What is even more shocking to me is how easily you let me just slip away. As if I’d never been a part of your life. That hurt. To be dismissed so suddenly. So absolutely. So definitively. And for what? Porn!

You were so overjoyed with the images. I admit: There’s not much fault I can find in them (and you know I can find fault in just about anything: I like to think it makes me practical, and I’m sorry you’ve never seemed to agree). And that’s when I realized that everything I was saying to you was bypassing your hearing and thinking. I was completely erased for about 30 minutes. It was as if I were speaking Farsi to a total stranger. You didn’t even give me a glance.

That is unacceptable.

I cannot tolerate being looked over every time you find success. You have always listened to me, and I have always been there, whenever you were downcast or alone. Whenever you felt like you couldn’t go on anymore, who was it that was standing there? Me. It was me. I deserve better. Each time you are happy you immeditaely put me aside. I am so sick of it.

So now you will have to continue on without me. It has been a long road. But I am not willing to sit idly by while you zoom down the highway of your life. There are others out there who will be glad to give me a ride. They will embrace me. They will never let go of me. These are the potential hosts who will let me into their homes, hearts, and minds. They will make me feel welcome. They will look at you as if you were a fool to let me go. But I am leaving for now. Whenever you feel lonely, just rememeber that I will always be happy to come back to you.



June 30, 2009   10 Comments

Frank Kameny iz N da (guest) house!

This week I’m in Washington, D.C. helping with various Pride activities to which I committed myself. Last night was an event I’d not originally planned on being part of, but I’m really excited I got to be here nonetheless. Last night Dr. Terry, the man behind the FUK!T campaign, hosted a fundraiser here at The Artists’ Inn Residence for an organization that is planning to open a permenant museum for LGBTQ history that will be opening in the capital soon. The guest of honor was Frank Kameny, one of the single most important figures in the Gay Rights movement of the United States.

Dr. Frank Kameny is one of those people about whom not enough is said, especially by younger LGBTQ people who (through little fault of their own) know almost nothing about their community’s history. Kameny is one of the first, if not THE first, full time Gay Liberation activists. He holds a doctorate in astronomy from Harvard, and was fired in the 1950’s from his federal job for being homosexual. Kameny immediately began writing letters and protested his dismissal to the Supreme Court. He began picketing and protesting in front of the White House and Pentagon years prior to the Stonewall Riots of 1969 in New York City. When you see 1960’s era black and white footage of people marching on the sidewalks in D.C. in support of LGBTQ rights, that is film of Kameny and his friends/allies.

And I got to meet him! IN PERSON! OMG! It’s the equivalent of meeting Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King, Jr. It’s like meeting Susan B. Anthony or César Chávez. This is a big deal! I can’t believe it… I was punch crazy all night – I’d not been drinking, but I was excited, giggly, energetic… And then I realized something: This is what Pride feels like. HAPPY PRIDE!

June 12, 2009   2 Comments

Fessing Up: The dirty little secrets of the gay community

Hello everyone! It’s absolutely gorgeous today in Washington, D.C.!! I love Dupont Circle on a pretty day (yes, I love the Fruit Loop). I hope this finds you well. Below is the link I promised for the story I wrote for Matt Comer’s blog at The essay I wrote is part 5 of 5, but when you go to Matt’s page you will find the links for the first four installments at the bottom of the page.

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

May 21, 2009   1 Comment

Who should NOT be a dancer?

Dear Devon,

I was wondering… Is there anyone who should absolutely not dance? I mean, other than looks wise, is there something about a person that should be a red flag to not get into it? My sister is interested in dancing, but I think she lives too dangerously to be good at it.

– Big Brother


Dear Big Brother,

I can definitely appreciate why you would have trepidation. Aside from the fact that there are negative temptations, potentials for danger, and sharks in the dark waters, this is also your little sister. Perhaps she isn’t all that innocent, but you can’t help but be protective of her, right? It’s natural.

I am not going to dismiss your concerns (because of all the many reasons that should alarm you); however, more than the external influences, the primary fear I have is the part where you say your sister “lives too dangerously.” What does that mean? She rides bicycles without a helmet? Or, if that is the least of your worries, does she have a history of making choices that have put her in with people or practices that are beyond wreckless/careless and bordering/converging on self-destructive?

I can tell you this right now: People who go into adult entertainment because of desperation are walking down a dangerous road. I have said this before, but it bears repeating. People who go into any form of adult entertainment (dancing, videos, sex work, etc.) because of drug habits, alcohol abuse, a sense of hopelessness, suicidal tendencies, or any other form of severe life disruptions are placed at greater risk of making choices that put them directly in the way of harm. If your sister has a preponderance for being drunk or high, she should not go into exotic dancing. There are too many people who will take advantage of that. But I’m altruistic in this detail, perhaps. I know lots of dancers who drink and get high, and who have never been accosted… but still… the risk is so much greater.

Aside from people who would be coming to the career out of desparation, people who have severe self-esteem issues should be careful. If you get affrimation, it may help you (temporarily), but if you get rejection, it may further damage you. It’s probably 50-50 there. Personally, I wish that people of the stripper mentality wouldn’t go into exotic dancing, just because it makes everything more difficult for me. But strippers gotta eat too, I suppose.

Finally, and this is something you have to be truthful to yourself about, if you have any problems with being touched intimately, you should definitely not become an exotic dancer (or any other type of adult entertainer). People with a history of sexual violence or abuse being perpetrated on them should consider carefully whether or not they are emotionally and psychologically able to tolerate sexual touches. There are different types of touch, and you need to be realistic about what you can tolerate, and to what degree.

April 21, 2009   No Comments