Devon Hunter

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Hi Devon,

Writing this e-mail feels a little strange, mainly because it’s not what I was expecting to say to you at all.

I had intended to relay the curious tale of how a straight white Scottish girl (me!) found herself perusing the web-page of an intelligent, funny, erudite and thought provoking gay guy from America. But now, having read the sad news of the loss of your beloved grandfather, I think that it should remain a story for another day. For now, I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I know that nothing much can help at the moment. So often people talk about how to cope with this kind of situation. I have found that you don’t so much cope as simply endure. But endurance requires courage, tenacity, strength of character, foresight, insight and an unshakable belief that it will, in the end, be worth it. That life will get better again.

From the very little I know of you through your own writings and through the testimony of others who have written to you and about you, I have no doubt that you have these personal qualities and attributes in abundance, and I suspect many other virtues which I, as yet, know nothing of. And this reassures me that through your own efforts, and with the help and support of your family and friends, you will make it through this difficult time, and, as it would seem you have done during other times in your life, you will find something positive and life affirming within the sadness.

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Love Helen
xXx

PS

I don’t know if you have heard of/read someone named Kahlil Gibran (especially his book The Prophet – not at all religious I promise, just incredibly spiritual and affecting). Anyway, he wrote this, and somehow I thought it spoke directly to your situation. Hope it helps even a little.

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”
- Kahlil Gibran

"Snowheart," by Susan Tuttle of www.ilkasattic.blogspot.com

Hi Helen,

Helen, Helen, HELEN! I don’t know what I did to deserve an email like that, but I am crying. And in a very good way. That couldn’t be any more eloquent, generous, or beautiful. I had fallen from my 7-week spiritual high, what with Grampa’s passing and some of the dysfunction I’d seen within my family last week. I’d sunk into funk these last 10 days. I hadn’t been sleeping or eating (which makes me confrontational), and it was all compounding into depression. I know me, and I can’t let that happen.

This morning, I was laying in bed focusing on how GOOD my life is, how WONDERFUL it is. (I have more to be grateful for than almost anyone I know!) I went through my Wellness Affirmations from this past Thanksgiving, really absorbing them again, trying to haul myself back into being whole by re-examining my Perfect Meditation from a couple weeks ago. I needed to re-achieve “wellness” and “whole,” so that the rest of the meditation would follow. But I kept stopping at the last part: I am happy.

I stumbled on it repeatedly. It felt disrespectful to say or feel it; however, I know that Grampa wouldn’t want me to be unhappy. He would never want that – he would want me to be invigorated by his memory, not miserable in his loss. I walked over to pick up a well-timed delivery of chocolate from a friend in Boston, and as I crunched toward the leasing office I got through saying “I am happy” several times. It was as if the ice veneer snapping under my feet had cracked open specifically to erupt with the fluffy white powder underneath (just for my entertainment!). It was like tiptoeing on crème brûlée, and how can THAT not be fabulous? I don’t understand the minutiae making it true, but saying “I am happy” within explodes “I am happy” without.

I am happy! (*step; crunch; puff of snow; smile…)

And then I get this email… just in the nick of time. Just as that initial excitement was calming back down. Being neutral is balanced, but I was falling down past neutral. I want to post this on my blog, because I want people to see specifically how reaching out and doing something kind (even to strangers!) creates a fracturing effect: Love breaks sadness. It is real. I am so happy you wrote to me, and I didn’t even know you existed until now. What if all introductions could be like this?? What hardness could be broken, so that softness could erupt?

This is amazing: Even before you shared the Gibran quote, that cracking shell imagery was already at work in my head today while walking outside in the snow. There are no coincidences. Thanks again for taking the time to write me something so helpful and inspiring. I also want to thank everyone else who, whether publicly or privately, has sent me encouragement and sympathy. Please know that it matters. It really does, and I am grateful to be the recipient of your good will.

I hope you are well,
Love Devon
xXx

Hello and Happy Holidays! Wow, 2010 has all but flown by already… You’re getting old! (I’m not. Somehow, I’m still 24. )

I want to take a moment to give thanks and appreciation to family, friends, patrons, readers, and other positive people in my life. Having a network of supportive people is so important, and I am deeply grateful for all of them. I’m even grateful for the challenges, obstacles, naysayers, haters, and porn drama: All of that stands as a contrast to remind me to appreciate what I have that is good in my life. Despite (or on some level, because of) the rough days back around my birthday this past June/July, I think I have never been happier than I have been in 2010. It was an amazing year for me (and yes, I already mark it off as being done, since Samhain was the last day of the year, and all you heathens are still waiting for December 31.) HA!

Lately I have made it a priority to make more time throughout the day to reconnect with my spirituality. It has repaid me well: I haven’t felt this optimistic, empowered, and confident since the Summer/Autumn of 2005 (which is when I met my last boyfriend – you know, the one who defrauded me for $30k and cheated on me with 20-30 men while I was working multiple jobs to support the both of us). But that was then, and this is now. I just paid of my Lasik surgery (the best money I have EVER spent), and so I own my eyeballs free and clear now (and they actually work, too!). I am so freaking excited to have paid yet another debt down to ZERO! Anyway, I find that re-establishing my sense of self has made it far less likely that others can get me down. On Twitter today, someone I was following as a compliment for following me first made the following statement: “Every time I get horny I just think about AIDS and I go back to normal.” That sentiment betrays a hypocritical attitude on many levels, coming from someone who blogs about sexuality. My response was simply this: ” ” His response to me was: “It made my day that a hooker thought my attitude disgusting! LOL”

I didn’t get mad. I just unfollowed him. It really is as easy as that. I’m not upset now. I mention it only as an example of how I feel responsible to myself and my own emotions, without being mired in guilt for distancing myself from immature ugliness. I really don’t have time for silly, stupid people. If you are so insensitive as that, then you really don’t deserve to know me. Your loss.

And this brings me back to some sentiments I have expressed repeatedly on this blog: 1) Pride is self-love based on truth, whereas arrogance is self-love based on nothing, and 2) Devon’s platinum rule: “Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.” Judgmental, hateful, insecure people are not going to be welcome here, if they seek to hurt others to aggrandize themselves. Keep that poison to yourself, thanks. You can disagree with me all day long (as many have done over the years), so long as you keep it civil.

To end on an introspective note, here are my Meditations. I have seven, one for each aspect of my integrated self. If they give you a structure that helps you, please use them in your own way. When you get what you want, please let me know!

In my quest to attract that which I want and deserve, I intend to focus on the following very specific desires:

1. PHYSICAL: I am maintaining or improving, as well as learning to see and  appreciate, the beauty in me that so many others already exalt, and I am humbly luxuriating in that Gift.
2. SPIRITUAL: I am re-establishing a variety of meditative practices and reconnecting to my journey along the Path.
3. INTELLECTUAL: I am expanding my mind by reading, writing,  conversing with a variety of people, learning new languages and skills, and researching new compositions.
4. EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL: I  am attuning to my inner self and understanding better those stressors  that cause me duress, so that I can better maintain balance and clarity; and I am understanding those impulses at a deeply intuitive level, so that I can help others as much as myself.
5. SOCIAL: I am improving the networking for the dance company, so that a large  and enthusiastic following begins coming to our performances across a  larger geographic region.
6. SEXUAL: I am attracting and having  safe, passionate sexual experiences with men who are able to access, with me, our mutual intensities.
7. FINANCIAL: I am going to be unsecured-debt free by my birthday of 2012. I am accomplishing this by maintaining or increasing my net  income until I retire, but by seeing fewer clients who book longer sessions.

From time to time I like to take a moment to simply express gratitude. I have three items for this little thanksgiving celebration: A friendly email, a kind shout-out from a blogger, and a satisfying photo shoot. I just got home from DC, and I’m tired from the drive, but I wanted to write briefly while the sensation of fuzziness is still fresh.

“Hi Devon:  I checked out your site today, and I linked to your film clip. I wanted to make a comment; then I didn’t; then I did, didn’t, did; and here it is: I was concerned that I would be improperly crossing a boundary and, if so, I apologize. You look as happy and serene as a person could be. My computer was slow with the download, so I did not see the entire clip. I admired your smiling, handsome face in the introductory scene. I cannot describe the feeling other than to say that your apparent happiness touched me in a pleasant and personal way. Aside from your physical attributes, you have an inner beauty that touched my spirit today. I wish the best for you. Enjoy your time out weekends.  A    thanks to you.   xo Patrick”

Hi Patrick: I couldn’t ask for a kinder email, and I thank you very much!! xoxo Devon

In addition to this random act of kindness, I was notified of a ping back on my Mission Statement page. I am very happy to say that it was for something positive, and the little blurb about me is at this link. Thank you very much for this. I was needing a boost, and these two people gave it to me.

And finally: I did a rather complicated art shoot today with a talented photographer in DC. I felt very content, because we got such a wide variety of images (I will share them when I get them), and we created some nice make-up effects. He is a very gifted artist, and working with him was a creative way to end a nice trip. It was also good to see my friend Sean Knight again in person. Oh, and a side note: I got to chat briefly with one of my favorite former porn models ever, Michael Vincenzo. He was a regular at Titan back in the late ’90′s and early ’00′s, and he is as charming on the phone as I had hoped.

So… a good weekend. And I hope you all had a good one, too!! xoxo

Last night I had a fantastic party at my place. Friends, family, and neighbors all came over to see my apartment, and we did some early birthday celebrating. I really felt surrounded by happiness. It wasn’t a housewarming as much as it was a heartwarming. I know some pretty fucking awesome people, and I hope you do as well.

I am writing this specifically for the people (friends, family, clients, acquaintances, readers, etc.) who have been calling, emailing, and texting. I have tried to reply to each individual, because I don’t want people worrying about me; however, it’s hard to keep up with the outpouring of support. It’s amazing to have so many people express that. It really is. Thank you!

I want you all to know, if you ever doubted it, that I am made of pretty strong stuff. I apologize if my recent blogging has created a “conversation” in the broader blogosphere that has upset you or caused you worry. I am doing perfectly fine, and I embrace you (even if I haven’t been able to say it to you directly).

It will be in other parties’ interest to make me look as bad as possible (in the eventuality of further action), but my testament is still posted here without revisions. Hopefully THAT tells you what you need to know. I wish you well, and thank you for your encouragement.

NOTE:

If you care to pose alternative observations to those I state on my blog, you are welcome and invited to submit your comments ON THE CONDITION THAT YOU REMAIN CIVIL. I have heard through friends that I am being criticized for not allowing more contrary discussion here. Let me be frank: This is MY blog, and it has a purpose. That purpose is not to allow anonymous strangers to vomit acid all over me. If you care to join the discussion from a different perspective, please do so with intelligence and a calm voice. If you recontextualize your comments within a framework of dialogue, rather than hysterical ranting, I will be quite happy to approve your comments.

OH MY GOD!!

I don’t remember how much I’ve talked directly about it, but I used to be an educator for six years. I was a high school teacher and a college professor. I left, not because of students (who can definitely be challenging), but because of administrators and their bullshit politics. I am not the one to berate in front of parents/students/staff, I can tell you that much… I was so miserable within the institution that I ended up on medication. It was a rough time. Bad.

Anyway, from time to time a former student will find me on Facebook, and it is so overwhelmingly gratifying to see how well they’re doing! I remember them as teenagers or undergrads, so when I see these beautiful women completing degrees in law or nursing, or who are going to graduate school, and who tell me that it was ME who helped them get there??? OH MY GOD… you have no idea how much I wish I’d gotten that while I was still teaching… But, better late than never.

I loved my girls. I really did. I was in love with them, and they were constantly breaking my heart. The day I wrote my resignation letter for the high school was when I realized that I’d given all I could, and it would never be enough to fix the hurt and abuse many of them suffered. But today I got friend requests from over ten of my girls… TEN… And they’re all alive. They’re not only alive, they’re surviving. Better yet: They’re thriving! And it almost rips my heart out that they’ve become the incredible women they are. ME! ME! I inspired them to leave the neighborhoods that sought to clutch them and hold them; to break out of systemic abuse; to aspire to successes that no one else dreamed for them. ME!

If I’d had a little more of this nourishment as an educator I can tell you I would have never left it. But no. Our system is set up to blame every short coming on teachers, rather than on parents who don’t raise their children. Rather than on kids who have decided to refuse to learn. On political structures like No Child Left Behind that leave almost every child behind… And now they want to tie teacher pay to student achievement??? You must have lost your damn mind…

But, better late than never… I never regretted being an educator, but now I can look back, and much of the bitterness about those six years has evaporated. And this shines a bright light on a simple fact: People will extend beyond themselves time and again for only so long; however, a little simple recognition is sometimes enough to completely revitalize a drained battery. So, if you are in a position of power; or if you are someone who is guided by someone doing his/her best to help you learn; or if you see someone who is threadbear in his/her soul… THANK HIM/HER FOR THE GOOD WORK BEING DONE! You may have no idea how valuable that actually is.

Hearing from Whitney, Megan, Kelli, Kim, Xenia, Tiesha, Leslie, Melissa, Jessica, Byrd, Robyn, and all my other dance babies is a gift I never expected, and one I wish now I’d gotten sooner. Knowing that they respected me (even if, as teenagers, they didn’t know how to express it), and that they have remembered me gives me something precious, and brings levity to the memory of a very dark time.

ME! It’s because of me…

PS

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