The online diary of a gay courtesan.

In all honesty, most women at clubs ignore me completely: I’m shorter than most dancers, I’m nowhere near as aggressive or shadowy (which girls at male strip clubs seem to want more than the nice guys they can see anytime at home), and I make no secret of the fact that I’m gay. I understand completely why I would be invisible to most women at a strip club – there’s really no fantasy that they might seduce me. But every once in a while I will inadvertently charm the ladies. This is becoming more common as I gain muscle mass (because I’ve gradually, over the last several months, become more and more mistaken for heterosexual – it happened three times Friday night and twice on Saturday). Passing for straight isn’t my goal or my priority, but it can be fun playing with people’s expectations, now that presumption doesn’t sit at 100 percent.

There were three women sitting at the bar. Everything I did titillated them. I actually enjoyed this, because I absolutely love women. When I finally came around to them, so that they could talk to me and tip me, they were lovely. Once I was actually there in front of them, two of the three were reluctant to touch me at first. It was taboo, I suppose. The married one had no trouble at all. I thought this was especially marvelous. They liked my ass, biceps, and abs in particular.

“Oh my God! You make me want to go home and fuck my husband!”

“Well… that’s my job.” (I didn’t really know how to respond to this, since I don’t get a chance to chat with girls much at work.)

“It’s too bad you don’t like me.”

“I do like you!”

“It’s too bad you don’t want to fuck me.” (Aha! They do know I’m gay!)

“Susan, I will respect you more than any man you will ever meet.” (Said very coyly with a wink as I kissed her hand.)

“Oh, damn… Respect me some other time!”

I love my work.

Perhaps this isn’t the case where you live? But I’m working throughout Georgia, North Carolina, and South Carolina. I can speak only from my own experience…

I know several gorgeous dancers of color. Some are Latino, one is Asian, and the remaining are African American. Most of the Latinos do very well, and so does the Asian. I frequently hear complaints from those who are Black, or some mix thereof. I cannot speak for them or from their perspective, but what I can do is voice frustration for them. (If you are a Black dancer, or if you know one, please consider writing a blog entry for the site on this subject.)

Before I continue, let me say this: If you are one of my beautiful Black brothers in the art, you should consider very carefully the venues you choose. I know career dancers who are Black, and who do very well; however, until we as a culture mature enough to see beauty as it is, you are likely to run into a passive form of racism at predominantly White clubs (“I’m not racist. I’m just not attracted to Black guys.” Ergo, I won’t tip them.). It’s impossible to force people to budge on preference, so you’ll need a strategy in mind for placing yourself amongst people who will appreciate you. As a person of color I’m sure it is frustrating to be fetishized, but as a dancer/business man you have to perform where you can make the most money.

I’m trying to make an ugly truth known to a wider base of patrons. I go into this entry knowing that it is a minefield, especially since I’m from the South. But I am not trying to discourage anyone, and I am not trying to offend anyone (likely, that will happen whether I try or not). What I do want to do is bring attention to the fact that most Black dancers work hard. The sad truth is that it’s because they have to. I’ve seen it first hand far too much – the White dancers who just stand there like (poorly rendered and often arrogant) sculptures and get money literally thrown at them, while the Black dancers putting on a fucking show come off with a tiny fraction of the same… It’s not right.

I am not going to tell people whom they should fantasize about, nor am I going to lecture people about racism. Both tirades would be ridiculous at best. What I can do is remind patrons that everyone has bills to pay, and that everyone is hurt by rejection/invisibility/marginalization. Yes, you as a patron are there to exercise your right to dawdle over the dancers you like. But please consider the entertainment value of what you are seeing. Regardless of which dancers make you hot, are there any that simply command respect just because their skills are amazing? Would it kill you to tip a brotha for being off the chain?

One of the frustrations in this career is that what you make isn’t necessarily connected to how much you work out, whether or not you’re nice, and being a good performer. You are at the mercy of Whim. Whim is the god of moodswings. We aren’t rewarded or compensated on a regular, consistent basis for anything other than the benefiscence of Whim. Speaking as someone who has had bad nights and knows how frustrating they can be, please consider interacting not just with the dancers who make you think “Mmmm!,” but also with those who make you think “Ahhh!”

Last week there was a bit of a crisis with one of my friends and his girlfriend. She’d found some text messages on his phone that were (to an uninformed eye) extrememly shady and hurtful at best. I had to explain to her why she should not be upset about this particular set of messages from another woman. I was surprised that after nearly a year there were so many details she wasn’t aware of. My friend should have explained better what his interactions are, but also his girlfriend should have been asking more questions.

Here are some details that the lovers of entertainers need to know:

1. For the most part your partner is probably not cheating on you. If your partner has not explained it to you thoroughly, you have to understand that we sell fantasies. Our patrons know this. It’s what they want. Unfortunately, sometimes they get wrapped up in their own ideas. If you come across incriminating messages, talk to your partner. An honest, transparent conversation will likely reveal a situation where your partner is saying that which needs to be said in order to maintain the patron’s interest. Only you and your partner know the rules in your relationship – as long as those boundaries aren’t transgressed, then you’ll simply have to adjust to this particular detail in your partner’s career.
2. If you find your partner saying bizarre stuff to certain people, ROLL WITH IT. At a moment’s notice you have to be ready to fall in along side in the little make believe bubble that can unexpectedly alight on us. If entertainers go to the grocery store, laundrymat, gas station, or some other public place, we are likely to bump into people who know us from the club. We have to instantly fall into that roll. If you’re there, you have to follow. Just smile and nod about whatever your partner is saying, no matter how outlandish it seems to you. This is part of dating an entertainer: Maintaining fantasies. If you don’t like it… well… there you have it.
3. Most dancers choose to separate their personal lives from their work lives. There are many important and practical reasons for this, as is illustrated in my blog about stalkers. We do this to protect ourselves and you. Don’t screw it up. I’ve known entertainers who have broken relationships off with people they deeply loved over this. Privacy is sacred. Only certain individuals are allowed behind the velvet rope.
4. If your partner denies you, there is a reason for it. If you learn of your partner saying s/he’s single or recently single (and you’re surprised by it), address it in private. Your partner is probably saying this, so as to seem more available. I personally don’t date, in order to avoid these complications; however, other people are wired differently, and since they want relationships they have to learn to balance all this. Do not freak out if it gets back to you that so-and-so says s/he’s single. It’s part of the illusion.
5. Communication is important in any relationship, but is exponentially more important when you date a professional flirt and/or sex worker. These types of scenarios are not the standard form of coupling by any means. There will be many stressors that other relationships wouldn’t survive; however, if you choose to be with an adult entertainer, you have to accept that the old-school mold won’t fit you. There should be clearly identified boundaries that you both agree to. Honesty and transparency become more important in non-traditional relationships of any kind, so stop worrying in your head and starting talking about your fears/concerns.
6. We deal with lots of ups and downs emotionally from this work. Being understanding, patient, supportive, and accepting goes all LONG way towards healing rifts.
7. People change (and yet they do not). If it gets to the point that you are no longer happy, it is best to make it known. It is also not fair to throw past experiences about “infidelity” in an entertainer’s face if you were willing to tolerate them. Deal with the present, not the past.
8. Don’t snoop. Privacy is sacred. If you have questions, ask them. If you go searching for trouble, you will find it or invent it. If you’re dating a liar, leave him/her. If you’re dating someone who has told you everything, then you’re being obssessive, and the entertainer should leave you.
9. As Prince sang a long time ago: “Trust: it makes you a real lover. Trust!” Until you’re given a (true) reason to doubt, then you’ll do much better by paying attention and giving trust a try.
10. Avoid allowing various details to pile up and upset you. It’s better to address something directly while it’s still manageable, rather than to go to sleep angry. Accepting as truth rumors and gossip from outsiders is a great way to ruin your relationship. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.