Devon Hunter

This is connected to one of my Thanksgiving meditations: “I am maintaining or improving, as well as learning to see and appreciate, the beauty in me that so many others already exalt, and I am humbly luxuriating in that Gift.” We need inspiration to persevere consistently enough to attain our goals, and visualizing the desired result is proven to facilitate its realization.

I know it will sound completely hysterical or melodramatic, but Dylan Rosser‘s work makes my eyes glaze with tears. When you hear people say something akin to, “The human body is the most beautiful machine in the universe,” they must have something like his photography in mind when they say it. Perhaps I am too much of a Toreador (or perhaps it actually is a wonderful suffering that I should enjoy indulging), but agonizing over his images is making me want to concentrate deeply, sleep and eat regularly, and exercise intensely. And isn’t that an expression of something that goes far beyond the superficial motive of looking a certain way? To me it means that I yearn to take care of myself, and that reaching a high level of fitness is a fortunate byproduct of doing so.

Is male beauty only skin deep? The Classical Greeks thought the honing of the body through sport also improved the heart, mind, and soul of the boy in question. The work ethic and commitment needed to achieve prowess and skill, along with the humility youths were expected to express, married external and internal excellence into the ideal we still fantasize about 2,500 years later: The intelligent, kind, beautiful lover. Is it fair to be dismissive and to presume that athletic male beauty MUST equate to something simple, crude, or unrefined? I have often reviled athletes, because they bullied me severely from the time I was six until I was 24 (that is, 24 for the first time). I have often lumped athletic men into the “dumb jock” category, even though I know too many men whose external beauty grows out of a commitment to other forms of excellence for me to reasonably accept this mean cliché. I want to believe that Dylan Rosser’s models are the kindest, smartest, and most enlightened men on the planet. Yes. They must be (even if they’re not). But that is my privilege as the viewer: I can transform these “objects” into anything I want. And I don’t want them to be “just” sex machines. I want them to be artists/scientists and philosophers, too. I want their physical bodies to be the tangible expression of the hearts I am giving them, whether they have them or not.

But I’m a greedy bitch like that.

Click this link to see Dylan Rosser’s website.

Dear Devon,

So I was interested in getting to know a little more about you. I was an entertainer as well (ie: a dancer), but never did porn… was offered..  (thoughtfully)…as well as a musician…

I wondered: Is it hard for you to have relationships, because you’re a Sean Cody boy? And, when you do, having sex with so many guys that don’t mean anything, how is different with the person you ARE in a relationship with? Does it affect that person? Do they wind up having issues with it?

Would be cool to know you…

- luis.

Hi Luis,

First, thanks for taking the time to write a thoughtful note. I appreciate it when people talk to me, rather than at me. So, that was very nice.

It’s hard for me to have relationships, regardless of the Sean Cody videos, escorting, and exotic dancing. I have never had a good one, so I essentially made a pretty firm commitment to not bothering with them anymore. Relationships have always cost me far more than they give back. The decision to be an adult entertainer was made after I asked myself (with tears in my eyes), “But how will I find someone after this?” And my response, “If it’s the right person it won’t matter, and none of the others from before my adult entertaining were worth the hassle.” What that effectively means: I have always been better when I’m by myself, and doing Sean Cody was my way of sealing off myself from dating. Now… you want to date me? Really?? Do you REALLY want to date me??? If someone can know all this and still love me, then he is the one I want. I did this not only to make it harder for me, but harder for the “right one(s)” as well. Trial by fire, baby. I want the real thing or nothing at all. I’m intense like that.

So, to address your next question about the difference between sex with clients and sex with someone who “matters.” First: Everyone I have sex with matters. But I understand what you mean. How is it different when I’m emotionally invested? WAY WAY WAY better. I can make someone cum. That isn’t any real big skill. I pride myself on making people feel beautiful, whether I’m “invested” or not. But when I am connected deeply, the sex transforms itself. It’s nothing I “do.” It’s got more to do with what I become. But yes, there’s an emmense difference between the two. And it usually breaks my heart, and is the reason I don’t go there. I’ve made the mistake twice this year of letting people get beyond the velvet rope, and it won’t happen again for a while (person A, person B and the fallout of person B). It’s not that I don’t love. It’s that I love too much. That’s what I need protecting from. Not from others, but from myself.

As far as my career affecting others: I think it affected the two I accidentally bonded with, in that they used me as a trophy fuck. I mean, it’s fine. (No, it’s not fine at all.) But it says more about them than it does me. I slipped. My bad. I didn’t mean to actually like you…

But there you have it: No one wants what they can have. Psychologically speaking, we attach more value to what we have to earn. We attach no value to what is taken for granted. It may seem that I have created an emptiness around me, but (in fact) I have made myself all the more desireable for the right one(s), because he/they can’t have me. I’m a nice person. He/They should deserve me, and he/they should make me deserve him/them.

Hi again, Devon – just read your post ‘…in the end’. What a testament to vulnerablility and strength! In fact, just from reading your thoughts in this short time that I’ve discovered them, I am struck with the idea that your vulnerability is your strength! As difficult as I think it must be, you are able to experience that one moment of float, of balanced well-being, long enough and often enough to experience the vulnerary effect that brings healing and a renewed sense of purpose. I hope to enjoy your insights for a long time to come and to learn to be willing to exert the effort that brings that moment of float into my experience, even if only once in awhile…always hoping to go from good to better. All the best to one of the best!

Dear Tom,

You have no idea how much I needed to be reminded of that post. The last few weeks have been pretty rough. Honestly, they’ve sucked ass. Badly. With sandpaper. But I couldn’t remember which post you were replying to, so I went back and reread “…in the end” – and I made myself cry a little. Being a sextuple Cancer ain’t easy.

Life is full of rhythms, and those cycles, by their definition, have high and low points. May and June I was definitely cresting. July… well… not so much. It feels like a nadir, if I’ve ever had one. However, I wanted to thank you for reminding me that I already knew that everything will be okay in the long run.

Yesterday I said to Keith Bailey, the photographer with whom I’m collaborating on a new project, that I feel like I have never in my life been in the right place at the right time. What total nonsense. That statement leapt out of my head and mouth because of tension about money. Take money out of the equation and there is a very simple truth: I have always been exactly where I needed to be, exactly when I needed to be there. Over the last few weeks I’ve been wanting to throw my hands up in resignation about almost every single aspect of the various situations that blend together to make “my life.” But that’s not really a mature option, now is it?

Thanks again Tom – you brought me back to center. I feel a little better. I think. (Surrender is difficult – it is an act of humility, and humiliation is painful at times.)

“The universe knows what it’s doing.”

“I have to trust that everything happens for a reason.”

“God gives us only what we can shoulder.”

“Everthing will turn out okay in the end.”

There is a particular grace required to truly be content, despite any particular dissapointments life throws at us. The question of issues surrounding race has come up, and I intend to address it; however, I was speaking with a friend last night, and it occurred to me that there was a topic I wanted to address first: The humility of acceptance.

The platitudes above are clichés. But a statement becomes cliché, because it is repeated. And it is repeated, hopefully, because it’s true. “Everything will turn out okay in the end” can be a very frustrating default response when you’re telling someone your worries or troubles. It can seem like a shallow response (and if there’s no thought behind it, then it is). However, that type of reassurance, when it’s invested with real faith, is actually a compliment to you and to Creation: The person who says it believes you are strong enough to get past the challenge, and that person also believes Life has a purpose that will include you.

I was supposed to be famous by the time I was 22. I was supposed to have my debt paid off by now. Of all the men I’ve cherished, at least one of them one supposed to be nice to me. I could go on and on. But to what end? Focusing on not getting what you think you wanted just encourages bitterness and disappointment. I’m trying to learn to accept that I really do believe that everything happens for a reason.

I’m bracing myself for the possibility that I won’t be accepted into the Physical Therapy program I applied for. I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Do I want to get accepted? Definitely! Will I be disappointed if I’m not? Probably. But won’t life go on regardless? Indubitably!

If I’m not accepted into that program, well… then I’ll keep on as I am (which ain’t so bad, mind you!), and keep looking for other options. I know I eventually need to make a life/career transition, so I’ll just come up with other options. In the meantime, I do have a workable plan to get my debt paid off, and THAT takes a huge load off my mind. It’s feasible, and I am excited to start it into motion. There are lots of people who run to me, male and female, who are nice to me, who respect me, and who treat me with care; so worrying about persons of the XY persuasion who do not make me feel good is not a reasonable option. The fame… well, looking at Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, and other victims of rampant “success,” I think that being known and respected at the level I am is compliment enough (for now).

Coming back into the light half of the year, I’m re-remembering that balance is a dynamic, active breath between polarities, often at the halfway point (but not always). When dancing, true balance is when you are weightless and effortless in your body, but it cannot be achieved without exerting and maintaining great energy. There’s something zen about that fact: Without the proper tone, extension in all directions, and a sense of expansion (all which require a great deal of exertion), the moment of float cannot be. And it is just a moment.

Anyway, somehow in all that what I’m trying to say is that you can’t be happy without actively creating it. If it seems like the world is denying you what you want, or if you feel blocked repeatedly, consider whether what you want is even feasible/possible/productive/heathful/positive and whether the way you’re going about trying to get it is even a means to that end. And if, despite all your rethinking and reordering, you still do not achieve something particular, then, so long as you aren’t compromising your safety or health (or that of others), consider being content without. Letting go of one desire frees your hands to grasp something even better.

William Forsythe, one of the most brilliant choreographers of the last 50 years, said to us repeatedly at UCLA: “No hope. No fear.” He meant that every moment can be beautiful, if you let it be exactly what it is, without trying to force your hopes (which can be dashed) upon anything. He is a master of improvisation, and he wouldn’t be able to do that if he were investing set expectations on everything. There is nothing you can’t do, so long as you keep all your options open at all times. If you go in “knowing” what you want, there is a much greater chance you will not get it. Having a more generalized sense of what would be nice, and being open to different paths of approaching it, means you have almost no chance for failing.

Do not say “Everything will be okay in the end,” unless you really mean it. Wasting the thought waters it down. Thou shalt not speak clichés in vain. Use this phrase as a mantra to encourage you, not as a bored statement of defeat. Let your surrender be the means to your advantage, and your defeat will become a victory.

Dear Devon,

I just finished reading one of your blogs and I think you may be able to give me some insight in a situation I find myself in.

In the past 2 months, I met a guy. He is a massage therapist, ex dancer. He constantly is placing ads on Craigs List to get clients. I felt we had hit it off the first session. I went back to a second session and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nothing happened sexually. Since then I have reached out to him via emai. I had sent him flowers for Valentine’s Day to cheer him up. I later found out he had recently broken up with his bf.

This past weekend we were supposed to meet for a bite and then do something. I was hoping to get to talk to him as to the status of our relationship. Client, friend, more. I really do not want to be his rebound bf. He has acknowledged that I am a very nice person and he really appreciates me. We never met on Saturday, he said he showed up at the bar, did not see me and went to another bar. I found this out after texting him where he was. He did send me a nice apology email after I had sent a scathing email to him. He promised to make it up to me.

I just do not know how to handle this. There is at least 20+ years difference between us and I have set up my walls long time ago. I think they are crumbling.

Thanks for reading this. I really did not want to dump this on you.

- L

L,

It’s time for some honesty here: I saw so many red flags that what I think you really want is for me to confirm them, so that you don’t feel bad for seeing them too.

1) he just broke up with someone
2) you don’t want to be a rebound
3) if you felt a “connection,” he’s doing his job as an entertainer
4) there’s 20 years between you
5) he’s not putting the same effort into it that you are
6) he’s too nice to risk hurting your feelings or risk losing your business
7) you have walls up
8 ) he probably does too
9) you’re already becoming possessive and there’s nothing to base it upon
10) you may be looking for something that simply isn’t part of what this person can offer you

I would say that you should not punish him by stopping the sessions. You enjoyed his touch. Why can it not simply be that? His touch heals you on some level. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that he has to give you everything else too. Be content with enjoying what you can from him, or you will lose not only his touch, but also anything else. He needs time to heal. Give him that respect. You have walls up – you know what it’s like to hurt. Let him have his pain. We need it to grow.

I hope this helps.

xo
Devon

EDIT: Whether intended or not, this is bordering on invasion of privacy. This is exactly why so many entertainers have difficulty socializing outside of work, and why so many people who aren’t in “the biz” think us cold. Until you really know that you are welcome behind the Velvet Rope, you should not insert yourself there. You risk alienating a potential friend, being seen as a threat, and getting your feelings hurt. Remember that Adult Entertainment is a career: We are purveyors of fantasy. You do our service a disservice by complicating it unnecessarily. Try to remember what it is you are paying for – if you get wrapped up (temporarily) in the fantasy, we are doing our jobs well; however, remember that reality is still waiting for you afterwards.