Devon Hunter

So, the title for this entry is a reference to a song by Michael Jackson from his album Dangerous called “Why You Wanna Trip On Me?” It’s appropriate, because of a situation involving an escort whom I met last weekend in New York City. For almost a year now I have met many great people, both clients and colleagues, but I had yet to meet someone who completely falls into the stereotypical chaos that (until recently?) has been ubiquitously associated with adult entertainment as an industry.

I had finished for the evening last Friday, and I was chatting online. I saw a face I recognized from the online escort ads. He was an escort whom I’d considered hiring a few months ago when I was in Philadelphia, and for whom I had submitted a vote for being the sexiest escort of the year for the 2010 escorting awards. He is amazing in his pictures. Totally mesmerizing. I said hello.

And I should have known from his first response that it was going to be problematic.

I am not going to bother with the details of our meeting in person, but I will say that I am glad I have my process for screening clients. I will expound on this more in a moment. But before I do, I need to take a minute to meditate on the wisdom in the statement, “We create our own reality.”

This escort loathes his work. He said repeatedly, “My clients hate me too, because I’m an asshole.” His clients contact him willy-nilly, and they show up (or not) based on whatever whim. They come at him with expectations that trespass on his sense of self, and he goes along in an inebriated state trying to block it all out. I ended up having to extract myself from the club where we went, just because I was too tired to continuously avoid absorbing his dismay. I had a great trip to New York City, I enjoyed all my clients, and I wasn’t in the mood to have this person bring me down when I had one more day of itinerary left to conclude.

All this brings me to the following list of suggestions. These practices have created a situation where I am content, safe, and happy, and I have offered to share them with this person (who is truly breaking every rule of adult entertainment, but especially Devon’s Platinum Rule). I hope they will help you, if you are unhappy in your escorting practice:

1. Establish contact via email: Escorts, you will do very well to follow this simple suggestion. I cannot stress enough how important it is to be organized and to convey a sense of professionalism. This initial contact sets the tone of your entire interaction. Putting your phone number in your ad allows people to interrupt you at any time, and if you are distracted you will not be able to put the required focus into your conversation. Also, email puts everything in writing, so that you don’t have to memorize conversations. Sort your emails in a way that fits you (I sort mine by US states), and use the search functions on a person’s email to load strings of conversation to refresh your memory as needed. All of this is impossible with phone conversations. Also: Clients who are willing to go back and forth in an email conversation before talking on the phone are the ones you want! They like you enough to engage you verbally. They are excited. They are getting as much information as you are. They have gotten to know you some, and are much less likely to cancel. If they do cancel they will do so (in general) with enough notice not to leave you hanging. I generally do not give a client my phone number until we have confirmed an appointment. BE ORGANIZED.
2. Be certain that you know exactly what is expected before you meet: Seeing someone without having thoroughly discussed the client’s interests and expectations is a way to all but guarantee that you will have a thoroughly wretched time. Know your boundaries, and turn away appointments that are not aligned with what you are willing to do. Agreeing to see a client who wants something you can’t offer without injury to your sense of self will result in disappointments on both sides. You should know that there are forums where clients submit reviews about escorts, and if you provide terrible service others will eventually know and cease calling you.
3. Work sober: Until you have gotten acquainted with a client after a few meetings, you cannot say you truly know anything about him. You should never be intoxicated or inebriated in any way. Ever. Period. If you are meeting a client for the first time in a private place (rather than in a restaurant or public locale), do not accept food or drink that you have not witnessed being opened fresh and made from scratch in your presence. Not only is it completely unprofessional to be drunk/high (and you would do well to avoid clients who are intoxicated, as much as they should avoid you if you are), but your inhibitions will be eroded, and you will not be able to monitor and assess your situation from moment to moment.
4. Respect yourself: It might be a universal truth that people will treat you exactly how you tell them to treat you. And they will know how to interact with you by evaluating how you comport yourself. You must hold yourself dear, so that you will be in a position to be giving to others. When you treat yourself with care and others with grace, they will (nine times out of ten) do the exact same in kind. Adult entertainment is the same as any other business: Professionalism, cleanliness, respect, kindness, and confidence will attract the people who value these traits. You are in charge of your own brand. You must sell it to your target audience. Pick an audience with whom you WANT to work.
5. Take breaks: If ever there was an industry where you have to rest and recover your strength, it is this one. You can give only so much energy before you have to recharge. Escorts who will see clients with almost no notice worry me. How can you possibly be ready in 30 minutes to see someone who hasn’t told you what he wants?? Are you crazy??? You haven’t established that there’s any possibility of rapport between you at all! And escorts who say in their ads that they are available 24/7?? You must look like hell! I am available from noon to midnight, and don’t bother me when I’m sleeping! My goal is to take one weekend off each month, and you’re a fool if you don’t take time away. Burnout is real.
6. Plan ahead and manage your money: I know my itinerary before I ever show up in a city. I am looking for 7 – 12 billable hours on a weekend trip away from home (and only 3-6 billable hours if I stay in Charlotte for the week). I need two billable hours to cover hotel and food; one or two to cover airplane fares; three to amass the money I need that week for bills; and then the difference goes toward savings, projects, and/or spending money. This means of a maximum of 12 billable hours in a weekend (This is one way I avoid burnout!), a quarter of the money goes immediately back into my travel expense account, a quarter goes towards bills, and half goes to me. And THAT is how you divvy your money: Repay travel first, so that if you have a disappointing weekend you can afford to try again the next week. Put aside money to pay your bills next, so that you are not in a weakened financial position at home. But pay the business FIRST! (You can pay your bills late if need be! If you pay them first to be on time after a bad weekend, you won’t have the money to travel!) Finally, PAY YOURSELF. You would be wise to put some of what you have netted after business/bills into savings, some into investments, some into an emergency store of cash, and the rest into something nice for yourself (nice food, new clothes, travel, JEWELRY!!! hahaha). Everything in suggestions 1 -6 are here so that you can obey #7, which is the most important of all:
7. ESCHEW DESPERATION: Do not do anything involving adult entertainment from a position of desperation. EVER. Walk away and do something else. Find some other option to make money or to solve whatever problem is at hand. If you work from a position of disempowerment you risk falling into the pit of despair. It is a deep, dark place, and those who fall in with you will not be there to help you get out. They will not be in a position to do so, and they won’t want to. Create the reality you want for yourself!! Be happy! It’s in your power to do so!

Not all that long ago I was asked what I wanted in my connections with people. Well, J.C., I have an answer for you, and before I even write this (and I’m not so worried about whether or not I keep it to 500 words today) I sense it will end up in my Favorites list. This is one of those diamonds I sometimes birth after some painful struggle and terrifying introspection.

First, some background information. When I lived in Los Angeles from 1998 - 2002, I lived within a profoundly dysfunctional relationship with a man named Randy. Randy is wonderful in that he is financially generous and politically honest; however, he is one of the single most emotionally selfish, socially inept, intellectually insensitive, and grossly manipulative people I have ever met. His qualities cannot, for me, EVER counterbalance his negative attributes. And I have been tormented by his presence in my life for OVER TEN FUCKING YEARS… He drives me absolutely ape shit…

And last night he called me at 4:00 am to bitch me out.

I left my phone on, because Matt (whose story unfolds in “Honesty: It fucking sucks,” part 1, part 2, and part 3) reappeared 24 hours after I sent him a “good bye” text. He texted to let me know his phone had been dead for two days (which, for a variety of reasons I don’t care to explain here, I know to be a lie), and that he didn’t mean to come across as “shady.” He then immediately disappeared back into the mysterious labyrinth of his restaurant where time and communication skills are forever lost…

At any rate, I left my phone on in case Matt finally decided to call after all. He did not. But, lo and behold, rather than the person I most wanted a call from, I got a call from the person I least wanted a call from. I remember the phone ringing at 4:00 am, and I rolled over and I actually cursed outloud in indignation. I let it go to voicemail. I checked that voicemail a few hours later, unable to sleep.

And the diamond was forged from within me.

Randy WENT OFF on me. “I’m so disappointed in you as a person! You didn’t call for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You never answer when I call. You always let me go to voicemail, and you never call me back. How busy can you fucking be? This is a bunch of bullshit! I’m getting the message that you don’t want to talk to me or something, and I’m not going to call you anymore.”

Here is what I was yelling in response to him: “I don’t care if you’re disappointed, asshole! I didn’t even THINK to call you, and why would I?? Of course I don’t answer: You’re an asshole! And I don’t call back, because I don’t fucking want to! Too busy to talk TO YOU! What’s bullshit is that it’s taken you 10 years to figure all this out. Don’t do me any favors! GOD!” And I deleted his voicemail, feeling triumphant that I was FINALLY, after more than a decade, not going to allow him to guilt me into talking to him. I am finally rid of this person!

GOD!

And then… well… the moment his voicemail blinked out of existence, I realized something:

It is distinctly possible that I am Randy/Matt. Actually, I’m far worse than Randy/Matt. I have been sick with fretting over not hearing from Matt with any consistency for +10 days, but I have been doing this to Randy for +10 years. Why? Because I can’t bear the thought of the confrontation. I am heaped with guilt at the thought of telling Randy to leave me alone, and to keep his manipulative insanity to himself.

And here I am, sitting by with the audacity to cry over Matt? Oh, my fucking GOD! I don’t know that it’s true, but what if it is?? What if the only reason Matt responds to me (at all) is because he feels, from time to time, enough guilt or exasperation to text or call me just to shut me up, or to give me a dose of attention and leave me to my misery for a while? That’s the attitude I’ve taken with Randy for years and years: “Okay, I will talk to Randy for an hour today, since I’ve ignored him for months, and that’s good enough to get me through for a few more months.”

I’m a horrible person. And I’m a hypocrite. I don’t believe that Karma is a punishment: It is a lesson. And just when I was beginning to wallow in self-pity about how horrible Matt is treating me… the phone rings. That message from Randy was a message from the Universe. I have been accusing Matt of being too chicken shit to just tell me that he doesn’t want to talk to me, but I’m a thousand times more guilty of the same exact cowardice.

Now, the question is this: Do I break this cycle of cowardice, call Randy back, and FINALLY say “I got your message, and I prefer that you not contact me anymore?” Or do I break the cycle of guilt, avoiding the horrible argument Randy will try to start, in an attempt to not respond to yet another ploy?

Randy CONSCIOUSLY uses guilt to coerce people to talk to him. That is the only distinction between how he has treated me over the years, and how I have interacted with Matt over the weeks. Was I, in a more subtle manner, trying to guilt Matt into calling me or seeing me???

I don’t know.

But to answer C.J.’s question once and for all: What I want in my connections with people (friends, family, lovers, clients, and otherwise) is for people to keep their expectations of each other’s capacities reasonable; to consider both sides of a situation before deciding who, if anyone, is right/wrong or good/bad; and to allow everyone in a relationship the ability to evolve constantly, and to come/leave peacefully when needed. Whether honesty fucking sucks or not, THAT is what I want to give and get from my connections.

Have you ever had a day that was just… perfect? I mean, everyone and everything about it was exactly as you would have wanted?? I totally had that type of day today, and it was SO appreciated… I know I can talk alot (I’m the Mouth of the South), but I’ve been trying to keep my entries to only 500 words. A brief recap?

• Got a great night’s sleep with my kitty cuddled under my arm all night
• Woke up in the mood to do something random and nice
• Lazed about in bed figuring out what to do, and for whom to do it
• Ordered flowers for the first time and had them delivered to someone’s place of business
• Put a chunk of cash on retainer with my mechanic, so that when/if I need more work on the car, I’m okay
• Paid off my John Hardy diamond pendant
• Put a down payment on a present to myself (remember in my video interview when I said I liked diamonds and chocolate?? Sheesh!)
• Got to spend nearly an hour with a thoroughly charming girl at the Aveda store while getting some product to remain 24 indefinitely (or, is it 23 next year?)
• Spoke briefly but happily with the recipient of the flowers
• Spoke briefly but happily with my lovely friend Jennifer
• Went to see “Avatar” in 3D, and it is one of the best pieces of film in cinematic history!
• Got a nice massage, and now my left side feels better (I am having trouble with my left triceps/shoulder/scapula, lower back, and left thigh/knee/calf)
• Will now go read myself to sleep

And now I am sharing it with you, hoping that you, too, have excellent days to come. I hope, going into the high celebration of the season, that you will be healthy, happy, safe, and secure. Please take good care of yourself while you are enjoying the celebrations, and remember to spread the joy you feel (or to accept the joy that others try to give you)!

Okay, so practicality has won the day. I’m not buying more jewelry right now. I mean, really. It’s pretty, but I am trying to pay debt off, not buy new stuff. I’m trying to channel my inner Buddhist at this moment, but he’s been on vacation for a while, so this practicality crap is rather annoying (even though it should be liberating).

So, instead of the lovely diamonds, I have bought AAA coverage for all my driving, and I am going to pay bills and act like a reasonable person. Meh. Sawdust in the mouth. I wish broccoli tasted like chocolate ice cream.

Perhaps I should go ahead and make a big payment on my car, seeing how it has caused me enough grief this year to not want to still owe on it? That seems reasonable. But (as much as I think my car is cute as a bug) a car payment don’t BLING like that pretty little THING.

Nahmahyo horengaykyo… Nahmahyo horengaykyo… Nahmahyo horengaykyo… (okay, the Buddhist is waking up… no… no, wait… no, he wanted to nap a bit longer). Damn.

OMG

I mean, really?

I feel like I need a personal assistant. It’s quickly gotten to where I can’t keep up with everything anymore, and I guess that’s a great problem to have; however, I can’t even find time to go to the mailbox and get the junk mail out of the way. I was called by my car insurance company who received their bill back. I’d forgotten about junk mail, and now I’m not getting my real mail!

Okay, that can be fixed.

Anyway, I finally settled into my apartment, and it looks FABULOUS. I love it! I picked what I thought was a burgundy swatch, but now that it’s on TWO FULL WALLS it’s actually stop-sign, cherry bomb RED. But it still works, since my bric-a-brac has enough muted colors to tone it down. I’ll have to take a picture and post it some time.

Oh, and if you’ve sent email and not heard back from me, please, please, please don’t take it personally. I’m evidently a superstar now (except if I were actually that important I wouldn’t know that my car insurance bill had been returned, because my personal assistant would have handled it for me). Sigh.

OH OH OH, before I forget: I still adore the sapphires I bought myself at Yule last year… and just to make sure they don’t get lonely, I’m going to adopt the diamonds that match them. HA! The red sapphires interspersed with black sapphires are also lovely… Hmmmm…

Anyway, this was alot of non sequiturs, because that’s the state of my mind lately… I know this entry probably comes across as rampant, frivolous, and in many ways out of character, but I just needed to blurt some stuff out and get anything new onto the blog. My apologies for not saying anything worth responding to. But I did want to just check in and let you all know that I’m still zipping around (bookings, performances for theatre arts and rehearsals for these performances, moving/settling, travelling for career, working out, and change, Change, CHANGE has made me neglect the blog and my memoires… gotta get back on track with all this).

Anybody wanna be my gopher??

ps

Remind me to tell you how bad the people at Cody Media pissed me off last week >:(