Devon Hunter

It’s funny how certain conversations seem to happen in batches. This weekend I am visiting friends and seeing clients in DC. Last weekend I was dancing in Greenville, SC and Asheville, NC. I was booked for the latter first, which was a fundraiser, and since it interrupted my weekend I decided to book the former to have something to do. My good friend Roxy C. Morecox is a widely celebrated female illusionist, and we talk pretty candidly about the escorting. She asked me which I preferred, escorting or exotic dancing. Oddly enough, I have had three clients ask me that question recently too.

I have to say it: Unequivocally, I prefer escorting. The bookings at the clubs this weekend drew everything into sharp focus. I don’t do the clubs hardly ever anymore, so when I do I keep having the same reaction: I used to put up with this abject bullshit? Really?? For TWELVE YEARS???

First, my clients are ALWAYS sober, clean, polite, and respectful. The place where I meet them is comfortable, and I am very relaxed and happy with the time I spend with my clients. I walked into the doors at the clubs and already felt out of place. My asshole even puckered tightly shut when I first walked into one of the clubs. Really? I mean really?? Why does this place have to be so gross?

Let me start by comparing the two. Whether I escort or perform I have to be conscious of my body, appearance, hygiene, and manners. Regardless of which I am doing I also have to be very sensitive to others. Also, whether I dance or date I have to be on top of my business.

However…

When I escort my clients are ALWAYS gentlemen. When I dance, gentlemen are almost nowhere to be found. When I escort my clients compliment my appearance. When I dance I get told any number of insulting comments about whatever feature is most offensive in that particular moment. When I escort the men are interested in talking to me and knowing something about me. When I dance they are far more likely to do or say anthing possible to embarrass or humiliate me. When I escort I can pay my bills. When I dance I am commanded to do any number of ridiculously inappropriate sexual circus tricks for a dollar. When I escort I stay in comfortable hotels. When I dance, the club owners stick me in places that I would be ashamed for clients to see. When I escort there are never requests for barebacking. When I dance I have this thrown at me in the dressing room: “Can I fuck you raw? I am into felching. I like to wipe it on my face – it’s good for the skin.”

Are you kidding me with this? I even had one loathsome individual try to tip me with my own money. He was so high that he thought the tips I’d handed to a friend to count was the cash he’d brought in to tip me with. Ummmmmmm… no. Not so much.

I had a very good time laughing and dancing with Roxy, and I would love to travel with her some more; however, I made in an entire weekend what I can make in two hours without the sleepless nights, smoke, drug addicts, alcohol, wanton groping, and strained muscles/sore back.

I definitely prefer escorting.

I just got back from Secrets. I’m exhausted. The last month has been road trip after road trip, and I am going to try to take this coming weekend off completely. I have so much blogging to catch up on, and I want to thank everyone who emailed me questions/topics. I fully intend to catch up with all of this in the coming days as I rest and recover.

But there is something grave I need to address first.

I have spoken already about the potentially abusive relationship that can exist between patrons and entertainers, especially when patrons become obsessive. This is stalking. I am not going to address this again here. This weekend I witnessed an entertainer who is being abused by another entertainer. They are boyfriends. The problem with abusive boyfriends is that they can be so beguiling and charming at first…

Having survived abuse, I already know most of the excuses, apologies, and lies that abused people use to defend the people who hurt them. When you encounter someone who is being victimized by his/her partner, it is difficult to know how much to intrude. I personally wouldn’t want to accidentally escalate a situation (which as bad as it might be in front of others could become much worse in private); however, I also cannot turn a blind eye.

Adult entertainment attracts all types of people. Some of them are unsavory and/or dysfuntional. These people may be club owners, booking agents, film directors, patrons… or the entertainers themselves. Given the reputation lumped upon most entertainers in general, it goes without saying that there must be a reason for this: There are some horrible people who dance in clubs. Definitely not all, or even most, but entertainers need to pay attention to other entertainers.

I was very excited the last time I almost dated, because the person in question had worked as a go-go dancer, and didn’t judge me because of my work. It is common for adult entertainers to pair off with each other – we understand each other. And yet, that means that there is the potential for you as an entertainer to connect with one of those unsavory people I just mentioned, thinking that it will be a good match. But you must always pay attention.

I got pretty forceful with one of the dancers. I think I probably put him on the spot (in private) unexpectedly. He is, in my opinion, at the stage of the abusive relationship where he is not willing to accept that he is being abused. But when I consistently see his partner treat him like a servant, start physical brawls over nothing, insult him with names, degrade him by calling him female slurs, make forceful attempts to kick/punch/slap him, and discuss with other entertainers the best way to “be the man in the relationship” by limiting the person in question’s ability to function by cutting off access to the car, then my conscience forces me to act. If his abusive partner is going to make this public, where I have to see it, then it’s an invitation to become involved.

I told this beautiful, sweet-natured, warm, friendly man that when he was ready to accept that he needed to get away that he can call or email me. If he needs a few days to figure out how to get home to his family, and needs a safe place to get far away from the verbal and physical blows, he can use my home as a sanctuary. I cannot pretend to not know what is plain before my own eyes. Even though he is still at the point where he says, “Oh, he’s just aggressive. It’s the steroids. You can’t take him too seriously. He’s actually a really nice guy,” he will eventually (I hope) come to recognize the lie in this. How many times do you have to tell me someone isn’t a douche bag? Shouldn’t I be able to see that on my own?

If you are an entertainer, there are going to be times when you are very lonely. You will want to connect with someone. You might be tempted to look for love within the career. And that’s totally fine; however, make certain that you practice the same vetting process on the private side of the velvet rope as you do on the public side. Make certain that you pay attention, regardless of the career of the person you cling to. But, without trying to feed into a stereotype, recognize that the odds of picking a bad apple may be worse if you pick from this particular barrel.

Dear Devon,

I just finished reading one of your blogs and I think you may be able to give me some insight in a situation I find myself in.

In the past 2 months, I met a guy. He is a massage therapist, ex dancer. He constantly is placing ads on Craigs List to get clients. I felt we had hit it off the first session. I went back to a second session and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nothing happened sexually. Since then I have reached out to him via emai. I had sent him flowers for Valentine’s Day to cheer him up. I later found out he had recently broken up with his bf.

This past weekend we were supposed to meet for a bite and then do something. I was hoping to get to talk to him as to the status of our relationship. Client, friend, more. I really do not want to be his rebound bf. He has acknowledged that I am a very nice person and he really appreciates me. We never met on Saturday, he said he showed up at the bar, did not see me and went to another bar. I found this out after texting him where he was. He did send me a nice apology email after I had sent a scathing email to him. He promised to make it up to me.

I just do not know how to handle this. There is at least 20+ years difference between us and I have set up my walls long time ago. I think they are crumbling.

Thanks for reading this. I really did not want to dump this on you.

- L

L,

It’s time for some honesty here: I saw so many red flags that what I think you really want is for me to confirm them, so that you don’t feel bad for seeing them too.

1) he just broke up with someone
2) you don’t want to be a rebound
3) if you felt a “connection,” he’s doing his job as an entertainer
4) there’s 20 years between you
5) he’s not putting the same effort into it that you are
6) he’s too nice to risk hurting your feelings or risk losing your business
7) you have walls up
8 ) he probably does too
9) you’re already becoming possessive and there’s nothing to base it upon
10) you may be looking for something that simply isn’t part of what this person can offer you

I would say that you should not punish him by stopping the sessions. You enjoyed his touch. Why can it not simply be that? His touch heals you on some level. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that he has to give you everything else too. Be content with enjoying what you can from him, or you will lose not only his touch, but also anything else. He needs time to heal. Give him that respect. You have walls up – you know what it’s like to hurt. Let him have his pain. We need it to grow.

I hope this helps.

xo
Devon

EDIT: Whether intended or not, this is bordering on invasion of privacy. This is exactly why so many entertainers have difficulty socializing outside of work, and why so many people who aren’t in “the biz” think us cold. Until you really know that you are welcome behind the Velvet Rope, you should not insert yourself there. You risk alienating a potential friend, being seen as a threat, and getting your feelings hurt. Remember that Adult Entertainment is a career: We are purveyors of fantasy. You do our service a disservice by complicating it unnecessarily. Try to remember what it is you are paying for – if you get wrapped up (temporarily) in the fantasy, we are doing our jobs well; however, remember that reality is still waiting for you afterwards.

I’ve not talked too much about the competitive nature of what I do. I’ve mentioned office drama vaguely. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned it directly at all. Perhaps a few instances here and there of “if you see others doing well, and you’re not, don’t take it personally…” But I don’t recall ever mentioning what the dressing room is like…

It’s definitely dependent on the club and the environment it creates for itself, its patrons, and its staff. PT1109 in Columbia, SC is very friendly, in my opinion. For the most part the patrons are very good natured, the bartenders are supportive of the dancers, the owner is a no-nonsense type of dude, and 90% of the dancers are laid back. Every now and then we get an asshole in there, but they don’t last long at PT1109. That bar is definitely the kind of place where attitude isn’t rewarded much, no matter how big your muscles are.

Conversely, Swinging Richards can sometimes feel like a fucking beauty pageant backstage. What a bunch of stupid drama!! And men have the audacity to call women gossipy?? These straight guys cease being sexy the moment they walk back stage and start talking… ugh! For the most part we all get along very well in Atlanta, or live and let live; however, there are a few guys who should be glad they’re so much bigger than me. There are a few who really need a good, swift kick in the butt. They tend to be the same ones who sabatoge the dancers they don’t like. Gotta watch ‘em…  I’ve also experienced some haters at The Castle in Greenville – former dancers… go figure.

It can be discouraging when you aren’t comfortable with your coworkers. It can get downright ugly when you have good reason to believe someone is actually undermining you on purpose. I know I’ve painted a portrait of myself as someone who is very nice (because I am), but I do not tolerate people being destructive to me in this particular manner. I’ve tolerated other forms of abuse, but I have zero patience for other dancers (or former dancers) doing or saying anything to make me look bad to patrons. Devon to Diva in about 2.3 seconds flat. Miss Thang does know how to raise an eyebrow at a bitchy strippa.

What then do you do? It’s best to first try to talk to the person/people in question, to make certain that there’s not a misunderstanding that can’t be fixed among peers. Most of the time instigators will back off really fast – people know when they’re in the wrong. If polite inquiry doesn’t help, then I start channeling Miss Jackson. I do this so rarely that it tends to accomplish what Southern Charm doesn’t. In only a few instances have I had to speak to a Booking Manager or some other figure of authority.

If you are going to dance at a club or event where there are other dancers, you simply have to accept that there will be competition. Scotty and I have a friendly competition – we stay in shape, we check in with each other, we encourage each other, I tell Scotty if a patron tells me Scotty is hot (and vice versa), and we are happy for each other when either or both do well.

Sadly, competition isn’t always friendly. Some people do not appreciate the value of collaboration. They are too selfish to see that they will do better if everyone on the team looks good. Would you go buy a car at a lot with one nice vehicle and 30 jallopies? Or would you be more likely to go shop at a place where the lot can offer you your choice of sports cars? I guess some strippers are just ignorant. Whatever.

If you find yourself confronted by a destructive dancer, former dancer, patron, staff member… It’s often best to behave better, so that their criticisms look empty. How can anyone believe an ugly-acting person when you yourself are so charming, polite, beguiling, sexy, and friendly to the people who are slandering you. In almost every case I have found that the person hating on you makes himself look way worse than anything he could do to you. In fact, I have had friends of haters come up and tip or compliment me, specifically so that I and others wouldn’t lump them in with the person causing the problem.

Where is the love? It’s in you. It’s also in the people who end up being sympathetic/empathetic to you for being the “victim” of malice. People tend to side with the person targeted, not the person who is being aggressive. You will probably not win people’s minds over by being confrontational. If someone says you’re gross, unattractive, dirty, stupid, whorish, etc., and you get mean… it will, on some level, confirm in the minds of others that you must, after all, be the brutish piece of trash they thought you were. Reasonable people generally can’t help but respond constructively to maturity and positivity.

You know who you are. Forget the haters. The ones you should be most dismissive of (in the kindest manner possible), are the former dancers who wish they were still the center of attention, but are not. These people are acting out because of jealousy. Whatever they are saying about you probably has no basis in reality. Let it go, and keep connecting with the people who do like you (see the flip-side to all this: “Here is the love!”).

I’ve given thousands of lap dances, spreading joy and wonder throughout the world. HA! At any rate, there’s no way I can remember every dance I’ve done, but there are dances that stand out in my memory as amongst those I’ve enjoyed. It’s completely and utterly inaccurate to think that only unattractive men pay for lap dances. One of the perks of this job is that on a fairly regular basis I get paid to rub on hot guys. Let me also say that my enjoying a dance doesn’t necessarily imply that I was sexually aroused or attracted to the person I was dancing for (although that happens quite a bit).

Last night I gave another dance to one of the most charming men-of-a-certain-age I’ve ever met. Dale: He embodies Lap Dance Etiquette. It’s just amazing. If he isn’t a poet, he should be. He is completely enamoured of sensuality (not sex itself, but the whisper of its potential), and he genuinely enjoys every nuance of touch, sight, sound, smell (and dare I say taste?). With him I find myself moving in slow motion, not because he intoxicates me but because his intoxication is beguiling. He falls into a dream-like haze, and his utter joy is registered all over his face and body. I was wearing a spicey fragrance last night, and I honestly worried for a moment that he might pass out when I enveloped my arms tightly around his head and neck. I feed off the energy of others, and his transparent ecstacy isn’t simply flattering, it’s also infectious.

There are many, many occasions when I give a dance to someone who is so attractive that I almost feel obliged to tip them. Something else that is common is for me to get an erection while giving a dance. What is not as common is for a dance to turn me on so much that I forget I’m working and fall into the fantasy that they have created for me (quite a nice change of pace). That has happened three times, but I’m only going to tell you about two of them…

James came in for a birthday dance, but I have to say I didn’t do very much. He picked me up off the chair, holding me such that we were face to face with my arms and legs wrapped around his neck and torso. He pressed my back against the wall and proceded to show me a thing or three. LOL I mean… WOW. He. Werk’d. Me. Out. For about four songs. That dance fueled some fantasies for almost six months, so when I bumped into him randomly at a park nine months after his birthday I made it clear that I wanted a naked repeat. Whew!

One dance I did recently involved an acquaintance from a site where I chat with athletic gay guys. He lives in Atlanta and is easily one of the sexiest men I’ve ever seen (click to, ahem… enlarge). He said he was going to come see me at Swinging Richards on Thanksgiving. Not only did he actually show up, he had a beautiful friend with him, and they wanted a dance… OMGOMGOMG… LOL I want to say that this ended up being the hottest dance I’ve done so far. So erotic, in fact, that everyone in VIP stopped and watched. Nothing like a Devon sandwich to fill you up. No, we never had sex, but my knees still buckle at the memory.