Devon Hunter

It’s the holiday season, and that isn’t easy for me. There’s all sorts of family crap that happens (and many of you will be able to relate to that, I’m sure). I am thankful for a great many gifts/talents, people, situations, and opportunities in my life, and I acknowledge that far more often than once per year on a day designated Thanksgiving. With that in mind, what I was most thankful for these last few days was that Thanksgiving happens only once per year. It was an intense time, and although I came through it mostly unscathed and only a tad irritated for the most part, I did feel the need to do some retail therapy.

I went to the bookstore, and without realizing the context of it at the time, I gravitated directly toward the Tao and Zen sections. About 24 hours later I recognized what had happened subconsciously: I thought I was just craving to learn something new, but I was actually responding to a deep need for calm and centering after an excruciating evening with Dad. I am so glad I was on autopilot that day. I found a fantastic little collection of Zen teachings/reminders called “The Zen Book” by Daniel Levin. One of the very first reminders reads as follows:

“You are

perfect exactly

as you are.

With all your flaws and problems,

there’s no need to change anything.

All you need to change is the thought

that you have to change.”

That evening my best friend of my whole life called me. She told me she earned her first chip from AA, which is awesome (except that I had no idea she was drinking to excess, let alone that she needed intervention of that kind). We talked at length, and she has accomplished Step 1: Admitting that alcohol controls her, and that she has a problem with which she cannot cope alone. The next step is to acknowledge that a power greater than herself can help her achieve peace, and so she is flailing between Steps 1 and 2. I advised her that now is not the moment to go back to Christianity (a religion that put her on the road to all her self-destructive excesses in the first place), because she doesn’t need salvation, forgiveness, blame, guilt, shame, or anything else that Christians tend to offer (Christ was a rockin’ dude, but his followers are generally festering pricks). I read the mantra above to her, suggested she look for a belief system outside of the monotheism traditions, and she replied,

“But I definitely DO need to change.”

“No, it’s your behavior that needs to change. You are perfect.” And I thought I was pretty accurate in saying that.

However…

I was absolutely wrong…

My best friend IS perfect exactly as she is. Her not accepting that caused her the angst and pain that lead her toward this latest incarnation of chaos. Her behavior doesn’t need to change. Her life doesn’t need to change. Her body doesn’t need to change. Her mind doesn’t need to change. Her spirit doesn’t need to change. Nothing about her needs to change. And when she knows that she won’t need to drink anymore. It’s not that her actions need to change – those are only symptoms of the underlying problem. She is perfect already, but she can’t enjoy that perfection as long as she is ignoring it.

We are perfect people who have forgotten our divinity.

As we go forward into the season of New Year Resolutions, perhaps the only change we actually need to embrace is the way we allow ourselves to be the gods we were born to be? My self-esteem issues, her drinking, your temper, his weight, their anger, our fear… All of that goes away when we channel this fundamental insight: We are perfect exactly as we are, and all we have to do is accept it. If it were simple this world would already be heaven.

Namaste.

Not all that long ago I was asked what I wanted in my connections with people. Well, J.C., I have an answer for you, and before I even write this (and I’m not so worried about whether or not I keep it to 500 words today) I sense it will end up in my Favorites list. This is one of those diamonds I sometimes birth after some painful struggle and terrifying introspection.

First, some background information. When I lived in Los Angeles from 1998 - 2002, I lived within a profoundly dysfunctional relationship with a man named Randy. Randy is wonderful in that he is financially generous and politically honest; however, he is one of the single most emotionally selfish, socially inept, intellectually insensitive, and grossly manipulative people I have ever met. His qualities cannot, for me, EVER counterbalance his negative attributes. And I have been tormented by his presence in my life for OVER TEN FUCKING YEARS… He drives me absolutely ape shit…

And last night he called me at 4:00 am to bitch me out.

I left my phone on, because Matt (whose story unfolds in “Honesty: It fucking sucks,” part 1, part 2, and part 3) reappeared 24 hours after I sent him a “good bye” text. He texted to let me know his phone had been dead for two days (which, for a variety of reasons I don’t care to explain here, I know to be a lie), and that he didn’t mean to come across as “shady.” He then immediately disappeared back into the mysterious labyrinth of his restaurant where time and communication skills are forever lost…

At any rate, I left my phone on in case Matt finally decided to call after all. He did not. But, lo and behold, rather than the person I most wanted a call from, I got a call from the person I least wanted a call from. I remember the phone ringing at 4:00 am, and I rolled over and I actually cursed outloud in indignation. I let it go to voicemail. I checked that voicemail a few hours later, unable to sleep.

And the diamond was forged from within me.

Randy WENT OFF on me. “I’m so disappointed in you as a person! You didn’t call for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You never answer when I call. You always let me go to voicemail, and you never call me back. How busy can you fucking be? This is a bunch of bullshit! I’m getting the message that you don’t want to talk to me or something, and I’m not going to call you anymore.”

Here is what I was yelling in response to him: “I don’t care if you’re disappointed, asshole! I didn’t even THINK to call you, and why would I?? Of course I don’t answer: You’re an asshole! And I don’t call back, because I don’t fucking want to! Too busy to talk TO YOU! What’s bullshit is that it’s taken you 10 years to figure all this out. Don’t do me any favors! GOD!” And I deleted his voicemail, feeling triumphant that I was FINALLY, after more than a decade, not going to allow him to guilt me into talking to him. I am finally rid of this person!

GOD!

And then… well… the moment his voicemail blinked out of existence, I realized something:

It is distinctly possible that I am Randy/Matt. Actually, I’m far worse than Randy/Matt. I have been sick with fretting over not hearing from Matt with any consistency for +10 days, but I have been doing this to Randy for +10 years. Why? Because I can’t bear the thought of the confrontation. I am heaped with guilt at the thought of telling Randy to leave me alone, and to keep his manipulative insanity to himself.

And here I am, sitting by with the audacity to cry over Matt? Oh, my fucking GOD! I don’t know that it’s true, but what if it is?? What if the only reason Matt responds to me (at all) is because he feels, from time to time, enough guilt or exasperation to text or call me just to shut me up, or to give me a dose of attention and leave me to my misery for a while? That’s the attitude I’ve taken with Randy for years and years: “Okay, I will talk to Randy for an hour today, since I’ve ignored him for months, and that’s good enough to get me through for a few more months.”

I’m a horrible person. And I’m a hypocrite. I don’t believe that Karma is a punishment: It is a lesson. And just when I was beginning to wallow in self-pity about how horrible Matt is treating me… the phone rings. That message from Randy was a message from the Universe. I have been accusing Matt of being too chicken shit to just tell me that he doesn’t want to talk to me, but I’m a thousand times more guilty of the same exact cowardice.

Now, the question is this: Do I break this cycle of cowardice, call Randy back, and FINALLY say “I got your message, and I prefer that you not contact me anymore?” Or do I break the cycle of guilt, avoiding the horrible argument Randy will try to start, in an attempt to not respond to yet another ploy?

Randy CONSCIOUSLY uses guilt to coerce people to talk to him. That is the only distinction between how he has treated me over the years, and how I have interacted with Matt over the weeks. Was I, in a more subtle manner, trying to guilt Matt into calling me or seeing me???

I don’t know.

But to answer C.J.’s question once and for all: What I want in my connections with people (friends, family, lovers, clients, and otherwise) is for people to keep their expectations of each other’s capacities reasonable; to consider both sides of a situation before deciding who, if anyone, is right/wrong or good/bad; and to allow everyone in a relationship the ability to evolve constantly, and to come/leave peacefully when needed. Whether honesty fucking sucks or not, THAT is what I want to give and get from my connections.

Have you ever had a day that was just… perfect? I mean, everyone and everything about it was exactly as you would have wanted?? I totally had that type of day today, and it was SO appreciated… I know I can talk alot (I’m the Mouth of the South), but I’ve been trying to keep my entries to only 500 words. A brief recap?

• Got a great night’s sleep with my kitty cuddled under my arm all night
• Woke up in the mood to do something random and nice
• Lazed about in bed figuring out what to do, and for whom to do it
• Ordered flowers for the first time and had them delivered to someone’s place of business
• Put a chunk of cash on retainer with my mechanic, so that when/if I need more work on the car, I’m okay
• Paid off my John Hardy diamond pendant
• Put a down payment on a present to myself (remember in my video interview when I said I liked diamonds and chocolate?? Sheesh!)
• Got to spend nearly an hour with a thoroughly charming girl at the Aveda store while getting some product to remain 24 indefinitely (or, is it 23 next year?)
• Spoke briefly but happily with the recipient of the flowers
• Spoke briefly but happily with my lovely friend Jennifer
• Went to see “Avatar” in 3D, and it is one of the best pieces of film in cinematic history!
• Got a nice massage, and now my left side feels better (I am having trouble with my left triceps/shoulder/scapula, lower back, and left thigh/knee/calf)
• Will now go read myself to sleep

And now I am sharing it with you, hoping that you, too, have excellent days to come. I hope, going into the high celebration of the season, that you will be healthy, happy, safe, and secure. Please take good care of yourself while you are enjoying the celebrations, and remember to spread the joy you feel (or to accept the joy that others try to give you)!

Hi, Devon. I have enjoyed your blog, because it always raises questions for me. I recall an e-mail from Sean Cody a couple of years ago, responding to my question about leaving his Mormon faith. Sometimes emotions get into conflict with one’s reasoning, and this may make it difficult to continue on course. You seem to have gone beyond that conflict – but I wonder whether there is still some feeling that your life is still not always what you would like it to be – with friends or with clients?

I wish you much personal happiness as you move through the years ahead. I truly believe that LOVE is the answer to your “bewilderment.” Sharing that love outside of yourself will be quite fulfilling in shaping your life in the future.

- J.C.

Dear J.C.,

First, thank you for your email – it is full of a particular wisdom I have not yet learned, although you are generous to imply that I stay the course. Of all my many weaknesses, my emotions (and the way they can be easily manipulated by people who shouldn’t matter) are probably my Achilles Heel. You’ll notice that I emphasized one sentence in particular in your message to me. It is particularly applicable to me: I often find that (despite all logic and experience to the contrary) I am tossed around by my own internal hurricane, like some paper sailboat floating in a gutter and tipping over with the slightest breeze.

In terms of what I want that might be different or more from my connections with people… I have no idea… I had not thought about that specifically, and now I have some introspection to do. I have shared love outside myself in the past, and it has been very destructive to me in many ways. My reaction was to overcompensate and not connect with people at all for a while, and now I am trying to learn how to keep my sailboat standing up with a little more consistency. I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle: Giving love, but only in the appropriate measure, and only to people who will respect the gesture. Conversely, I think it’s also important not to give anger, unless it is in the appropriate measure – and that is the part that I struggle with when I am upset. There is a process involved here, and it (like many of my other moments of insight/incite) will require much upheaval and analysis before I can embrace the knowledge and put it into habit.

I am glad I could raise questions in your mind, and I thank you for raising some in mine.

-Devon

This entry is rather belated, in terms of coming after the day we call Thanksgiving, but I didn’t want to feel pressured to write something just for the sake of writing it. I am ready now. I hope all of you had wonderful holidays, and that you were surrounded by love.

I have a great deal for which I am thankful; however, I want to focus on three points here. I am blessed to have a Mom and Gramma who understand me without question. I am happy to be genuinely at peace with the closure I have achieved after my two attempts at dating in the last calendar year. And I am so happy to have grown into a career that makes me feel free.

This year I didn’t feel like being bothered with a lot of company. I wasn’t in the mindset for all the voices and feet that Thanksgiving involves. And I definitely felt irritated at the prospect of running around all over the place to see various sets of people who never even offer to meet me in the middle to make the drive easier. So, I took off from the family scene this time around. Mom and Gramma didn’t question or pressure me. They understood I needed Mom/Gramma time, and there was nothing else said. We don’t really do guilt in my family (at least not when it comes to holiday stuff) . It’s quite refreshing.

Back in February I was upset over Allen. In July it was Steve. For the former I experienced a few months of real heartache and turmoil, and for the latter I was so overwhelmed with car problems and my transition out of the clubs that I didn’t have time to be upset. Both were unresolved until very recently. I have absorbed the lesson from Allen that I put into practice with Steve: I am now fully able to be friends with men with whom I have had failed romantic relationships. I wasn’t open to it before, but I am now. And it is so empowering. I honor and respect both of these men. Walking through the fire burns, but coming out on the other side you can definitely see how the flames do not necessarily sear the flesh. Those licks of heat can also burn away the chaff. It took a while, but my heart is lighter for having known them both.

I am a full-time companion now. I danced with the afore-mentioned Allen at an AIDS charity benefit last Wednesday, and we helped to raise $3,000; however, I did that for free. I haven’t danced in a club for money in months. And I don’t miss it at all. In the bars I had so much stress from worrying about sifting through the crowds, trying to find the people who appreciated me. Now, I know that the people I am meeting are at least interested in me on some level, and I am even finding some of my clients on the verge of becoming friends (a term I do not use lightly).

I hope that you, too, have plenty for which you can be thankful. I wish us all success and happiness. And I hope that you will invest in your own joy, if you don’t already. Make the care of yourself a top priority – only then can you truly give back to the world. Giving to yourself, so that you can give of yourself, is the best way I can think of to create a self-fulfilling prophecy of satisfaction and fellowship.