Devon Hunter

There are two Equinoxes each year, Vernal (spring) and Autumnal (fall). They are the two days of the year when the day and night are both 12 hours long. They are days to reflect on being balanced.

I didn’t forget the Equinox, I’ve been overwhelmed by preparing for a performance that is happening tomorrow. But I wanted to take a moment before bed to reflect on something that happened the same day as the Equinox itself. I was having lunch and overheard a conversation about the astrological signs. Some misinformation was going between the two women, and I (being an insufferable know-it-all) chimed in without thinking. I am so glad I did. I had an impromptu discussion with a delightful woman, and didn’t realize until later the significance of what we were sharing as it pertained to the day itself. That she is transgender without feeling obliged to transition into a male body made it all even more complex, rich, and interesting. Goddess, I really DO love smart people who speak with an open heart!!

Kelly is a Gemini. The symbol for this sign is the twins. And for good reason: One appearance, but two different personalities. Many Geminis are very dynamic people who have to contend with two very different agendas inside themselves. It is hard for them to find balance, because they usually try to put one internal force against another; however, they truly have two totally different centers (so that complicates everything when thinking about simple scales). The running joke and oversimplification is that Geminis have split personality disorder. It can seem that way, but we all have our challenges (as a Cancer, mine is trying not to be overwhelmed by my constantly intense and shifting emotions).

Kelly’s dilemma is this: On the one hand she is an enormously powerful and effective person who can “stop three lanes of traffic if it’s necessary, and I don’t bother explaining it to anyone.” I didn’t ask what this was in reference to, but I definitely picked up on that powerful sense of self and leadership. I guess she might have been referring to handling some type of emergency at some point in the past?? On the other side of this “scale” is the Kelly who gets mired into worrying about the individual suffering and unhappiness of the people she meets and being brought down by their criticisms of her efforts. Feedback is important for growth, but Geminis are people of extremes and her debilitation isn’t appropriate. She is kind and genuinely interested in helping people; however, my observation is that it isn’t her job to give 100% of herself away to others and keep nothing for herself. This life shouldn’t be about creating an emotional welfare state. Even churches ask for only 10% tithe. We talked about how less can be more, and that perhaps setting examples is more her function than getting involved in micromanaging (which takes away the free will of others and disempowers them from taking responsibility for their own happiness). It’s one situation to help others, but it’s another to leave them dependent on you. Say “No!” to spiritual communism!

The image she kept referring to was a scale out of balance. We talked about that, and I realized that if the fulcrum is at the center, then there has to be absolute parity: She would have to put far too much of her gold on that centrally pivoted scale to “balance” the amount of lead being slumped out by these people whom she was “helping.” That’s not balance at all. Although a pound of gold and a pound of lead each weigh a pound… What she is putting in the scale is worth FAR more than what these miserable people are contributing. And then I realized something: There are three types of levers, and the reason they are efficient is that the fulcrum is brought closer to the applied force than to the load. They are a simple tool that allows a little bit of force to move a disproportionately larger load.

So?

Too often, I (and many other people) think about this cliché called “balance,” and the image that comes to mind is either a seesaw or a measuring scale of some kind. And that’s great when it’s appropriate. But here’s a thought to consider for Equinox: What if you keep your center of balance (i.e. your fulcrum) closer to your emotional or spiritual strength (i.e. your applied force) rather than out toward your challenge (i.e. your load)? What if (in some instances at least) it’s better to keep your power to affect change closer, so that you get more result from less emotional effort? It’s just a thought, but it seemed to help Kelly realize that she didn’t have to work so hard to achieve the same or bigger results. She was thinking her two internal opposites had to be “balanced” on the scale of her sense of self. But what if she were to slide that fulcrum closer to the “traffic-stopping-Kelly?”

I don’t see how she can use her rope to pull anyone out of the pit, if she climbs down into the hole with them.  Is she going to get down into the muck, heave each person up out of the mud and carry or throw each person up to freedom?? Is it her job to be down there pleading with people to put the rope in their hands? Shouldn’t she stay up top and extract those who have the gumption to take the rope and start climbing? Also, does she always have to hold that rope? Can’t she throw the line down, tie her end to an anchor or rock, and then move on to another task?

How can we keep more of our internal selves close, in order to cause even greater good in our lives and throughout the world? What is the distinction between selfishness and self preservation? At what point does sacrifice become martyrdom? Can’t we be happy in our lives and create a more profound force for good without squandering ourselves in unbalanced situations which could be altered more efficiently in other ways? If you martyr your love, how would you continue sharing it?? I think this Equinox isn’t so much about balance for me as it is efficiency.

Happy Autumn!

I want to reach out and ask for your advice, dear reader:

I have a particular problem where I do not separate and/or compartmentalize. A very good friend pointed out to me today that if I “have clouds in one part of my sky it will then rain on everything in my day,” even if there’s no real reason. Put another way: If I’m affected negatively in ”A” then “B-Z” suffer too. What strategies do you have to keep balanced and focused in the various parts of your life when something is upsetting or irritating you?

Please feel free to either put your thoughts on the site by replying, or send me an email if you want your thoughts to be private.

PS

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It was brought to my attention that there are sites that do nothing but discuss the material that is generated at places like Sean Cody, Corbin Fisher, and Randy Blue. What’s more, it was brought to my attention that people can respond to those critiques/discussions. There are so many opinions out there… It’s pretty amazing how much they can differ from person to person or site to site. It’s also amazing the extent to which some people try to invade the privacy of others.

What I have read essentially brings me to balance: There are at least 15 sites I have found that have discussed and/or reviewed my solo at Sean Cody. This was not something I’d thought to consider before I did it. It never occurred to me that there were full-time movie critics and peanut galleries for Sean Cody; however, these not only exist, they proliferate in large numbers. And that is what is interesting: I am only one person, and yet some of the responses I elicited from people were as divergent as you could possibly imagine.

Some people were revolted at the thought of me being gay and 32 years old. Others liked me specifically because of it. There were as many comments that I was fugly as there were that I was gorgeous. All of the reviews themselves were glowing, but it was the conversations that followed that could be startling. And yet, after all that reading, what I have finally accepted is that I am who I am, and that’s going to just have to be good enough.

So, although some people have called me a pasty grub and others have called me a creamy boystud; and although some have called me a nelly gay-faced homo, while others refer to me as a hot gay jock; and whereas there are people who think me ancient and/or decrepit, there are others who applaud me for admitting my age (which makes me seem, to them, even more youthful); and since in the same conversation there are people who think I am nothing arguing along side of people who think I am everything… What all this essentially means is that all the negatives are cancelled out by positives, and I’m left right where I was before: Me.

And that’s not such a bad scenario.