The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Hello everyone! Wow. I took an entire week off from posting – a few of you have emailed to make sure I’m okay. Yes, all is well – I was on the road alot last week, and wasn’t able to post in that time. But I’m back now, and I have a few ideas up my sleeve.

Tomorrow I will have a posting about Swinging Richards (a good one, don’t worry!), but before I address it, I want to go through the process of explaining better how I got to this point (in terms of what I will tell you later about Swinging Richards).

People remark with some frequency about the level of fitness I have, and sometimes they will even acknowledge how difficult it is to achieve/maintain; however, for the most part I find that people think there is some magic/science that gives me some advantage that they will never have. This is simply not true: For people without metabolic disorders and other health scenarios that preclude fitness, I would venture to say that the lion’s share of people can achieve their goals to whatever measure they are willing to invest in doing so.

I have been working out (not necessarily properly) since I was 15 years old. To quote “Hamlet 2:” “It doesn’t matter how much talent we lack, as long as we have enthusiasm!” I was spinning my wheels for the most part. What you simply must embrace in your fitness adventure is that DIET IS 70% OF SUCCESS. Exercise is 20% and rest is 10% of success. If you do not eat properly, you simply will not achieve visible (and in some cases, practical) gains. While I was anorexic I was doing nothing but putting myself at risk of injury.

So, the results I have achieved are not only recent, but lately they are also sudden. This has been a very long journey (with no end in sight just yet), so what I want this entry to do is bring attention to a fact that most patrons don’t always appreciate, but which most adult entertainers struggle with constantly: Achieving and/or maintaining the look demanded by our profession requires us to have a job to have a job. Fitness, and the various means people use to attain it (or the semblance of it), is an enormous undertaking. When people use the metaphor “carved in stone,” they are right: It is a slow, painstaking process. The rock evolves slowly into the statue, the landscape erodes over eons.

I’m not going to go back to when I was 15. For one, I don’t have digital copies of the pics to do so, and for two, I have experienced enough changes since 2005 to make the point that even three years is sometimes only just barely enough time to get results. I say this not to discourage people on their fitness journey, but to emphasize that patience, consistency, and discipline are the means by which you gain advanced results.

In November, 2006 I was still at the beginning of my total recovery from anorexia. I still weighed only 125 pounds or so, but I wasn’t obsessed with mirrors and calories anymore. I was very lean and cut, but I just couldn’t add any mass. I was still working out too frequently with the same body parts, and not eating anywhere near enough (though more than I had been). This is a picture (click to enlarge) from a theater production I was involved in at the time. You can see that I’m thin and strong, but rather shapeless and out of proportion in some ways. This is a very honest look at how Dysmorphic Disorder (there, I finally said it!) brings a warped sense of priority to some parts of the body, while ignoring others.

By February, 2007 I was trying to gain weight. The problem is that I was doing the workouts by Cathe Freidrich, which (in the series of workouts I was using for the most part) focus on very, very high numbers of reps. You cannot gain muscle if you do high reps with high weight for a long period of time (the muscles don’t get enough of a chance to heal and build). Tone = high reps, low weight. Mass = low weight, high reps. Athletic training = a wide VARIETY of challenges. Match this with the fact that I was living off of protein bars and shakes, and you have a recipe for disaster. I went to the hospital four times in 2007 because of exhaustion, malnutrition, dehydration, and infections. I have never been sick so much or so often as when I was living off of whey protein products. You must have a balanced diet. In addition to illness, I gained fat, not just muscle. By November, 2007 I was up to 165 pounds, but I was sick, lethargic, and hurting. My body frame does not comfortably support that much non-lean weight.

In 2008 I finally started getting on track with what would become the various programs that helped me begin to achieve my fitness goals. January-March, 2008 I improved my diet (with immediate improvements to my health) and went to see a personal trainer. She helped me bring balance to my workouts, and her sessions were so demanding that I had no choice but to eat properly. However, I was still eating too much sugar (in the form of fruit), and although I was getting stronger, I wasn’t getting leaner. The lighting in this picture is flattering – but if you look closely around my abdomen, you will see that I still have a girdle of sorts around my lower abs.

April-June, 2008 I did P90X religiously. It is a fantastic program for those who are already at an intermediate level or higher, in terms of fitness. I saw all sorts of incredible gains in strength and definition. I leaned back down, and I went from doing 10 sets of 20 push-ups and 7 pull-ups to 10 sets of 30-32 push-ups and 18-22 pull-ups. However, there is something you need to know about P90X: Its philosophy is that you need constant variety. That means you also need variety away from P90X. July-September, 2008 I did P90X again, but only sporadically. It was beginning to hurt me. All the calisthenics was creating repetitive injuries. Remember, you need rest, so that you can rebuild. I hit a plateau around September, and that’s when I finally had to go to the gym (something I had always, up to that point, loathed and feared, because of the over-machismo horseshit I’ve always experienced in them).

The new variety of exercises immediately began paying off. October-December, 2008 I was able to allow my body to heal from the P90X, which although amazing, is far, far too intense to maintain without variety for more than 90 days. If you are going to do P90X I would suggest doing it for a rotation, then going away from it for a rotation. By taking a break from the calisthenics and moving to heavier freeweights and machines, I was able to work muscles from angles new to my body. I had never used gyms before with any consistency, because I find them dirty and intimidating places where rude people socialize too much and workout too little. I also was always afraid that people looking at me were thinking, “Who is that little turd, and why is he bothering?” What I find now is that when people watch me, I get the impression it’s because they’re interested in what I’m doing. Switching to the gym allowed me to fill out some more, and to continue improving my body composition (lean mass to fat ratio).

January, 2009 has been pretty low-key. I’ve needed to rest, and I’ve not been allowing guilt to bother me (too much) about taking my time getting back to it after the holidays. However, I’m about to start going back to my trainer again. I’ve done a rotation at the gym by myself, but the exercises weren’t as complicated as what I need to shock my system. I’ll go see Carrie again, because she’s brilliant at plyometric training. When I saw her last year, I was working out only with her. This time I’ll see her, but still go to the gym as well. What has surprised me is that recently, although my working out and caloric intake are both DOWN, I have had a growth spurt and filled out anyway. That’s the power of rest. The pic to the left was taken January 23, 2009. The one on the right was taken January 25, 2009. I hope you will understand now why I said in various posts recently that my pics on this site no longer look like me.

Going forward I think I can finally say that after well over 10 years of working out, I am getting to the point where I am looking the way I’ve always wanted to. I eat what I want, when I want: The anorexia is completely gone. I don’t even have the inkling anymore of thinking that not eating is okay. I’m proud that I’ve done all of this without steroids. I’m still working through the process of being able to look at myself and see me as I am, but I do feel more confident and relaxed in the presence of the Swinging Richards gods. Which brings me back around to why I wrote this long entry: I have some good news to share with you tomorrow.

Devon Hunter (DH): What do you do at www.GuysDivine.com?
GuysDivine.com (GD): Currently on the site we offer live webcam chats in which we show off the male body, and tease the audience a little in a sometimes sexual manner. We also offer a variety of pictures, but our main focus is the live chats and HD chat archives. We stream live with a webcam, and record the chat at the same time with an HD camcorder, which we later upload to the server for members to download, so they can have lasting enjoyment.

Our future plans are to continue growing on a fitness level, as well as an intimate level by adding more models, fitness pictures, fitness videos, semi-erotic videos/pictures, and fun for all pictures and videos. We try to capture a different side of the male physique other than it being used for simple porn. We also try to make everyone feel like they are a part of the site/family and not just another “member.” I have taken the time more than once to chat with members outside of the site on a friendship basis, and have even made some really good friends this way.

DH: How did you come to decide to create your site?
GD: After modeling for a Florida website and several others I learned that these high income sites can be a little inconsiderate and greedy. After learning the business I was just sick and tired of how these other sites ran their business and how poorly they treated their models. I thought if I could start a site of my own and and run it with some class, then I should do that very thing for myself as well as for others.

As it turned out I had enough of a following that I was able to start www.GuysDivine.com, and support it with only a small group of people who enjoyed watching me chat. Although it has been a ton of work (and also a lot of let downs), I feel it has been well worth the effort, and I think the site is now at a point to where it can really start to grow.

DH: How is your chat site different from other cam sites?
GD: We are sort of a cross-breed of the muscle cam sites and the sexual sites. We do claim to be non-nude; however, sometimes we have been known to do some tasteful nude posing and horseplay. We are now allowing all models to act within their comfort zone, which means if they want to get nude then they can, and if they want to go further than that, then we say go for it. Also I do not know of another site that uses an actual gay couple in its cam shows, not openly at least.

My bf and I do duo chats for the members, as well as individual solo chats too. As of right now he and I are the only guys chatting, because good models are hard to find, and most guys are chasing that dollar no matter how they are treated. Currently we have five new guys on the waiting list, and all we need to do is get them setup and ready to go. Hopefully at least one of these guys will survive. Ha!

DH: In what ways is your work satisfying to you on a professional and/or personal level?
GD: Well, the website is not my profession, and I actually was not sure that it would become what it is today. I definitely do this on a personal level, and the satisfaction I get from it is that it inspires me to keep fit. Lets face it, if I were not in shape I would not be in this business. Also, I guess in a way satisfaction comes from possibly being truly successful in this business without actually compromising my values. I can do the site and not be pressured to do anything I do not want to do just for the sake of a dollar. I think too many people throw their limitations and standards to the side for money, which they will usually regret. My site does not ask anyone to do something that they feel uncomfortable with, period.

DH: You work with your boyfriend on the site. How does sharing intimacy with him for an audience affect your relationship with him?
GD: Our chats our no more intimate than we would want to share, a little kiss here and there or a pat on the ass is hardly anything to hide. Most of our chats are playful and fun, with a little sensual worshiping thrown into the mix. We really do not have anything set to do before these chats, which keeps it fresh and fun. The site really has no negative effect on the relationship at all.

DH: How do people react in favorable ways to your working with your boyfriend? What negative responses do you get, if any?
GD: Everything is great, and we both get a lot of support through the site. People really enjoy seeing us together on the site. The duo chats are by far the most attended chats, because people love interaction. The only negative responses are from people who have never seen what we do, and who automatically think it’s a porn site. Once I respond with an explanation they change their mind pretty fast.

DH: Do you find that your situation is similar to that of exotic dancers, or do my blogs not really speak to your experiences? What would you say to clarify, extend, or correct anything I’ve said about “the biz” as it pertains to what you do?
GD: Although I have not read a lot on your blog, I will say that what I have read does not really have as much in common as some may think. I guess with this being a net thing, opposed to dancing live in front of people, it puts certain issues at bay. When we have a problem with someone we can get rid of them easily with the push of a button and a refund. Ha! For me, I do not think I could dance or show off live, but in the comfort of my own home it works out perfectly.

There will always be a certain favoritism anywhere you go when it comes to models in general, and some people will attend one model’s chats and not anyone else’s, but that is that person’s choice, so I don’t feel the need to stress on favoritism. Only saying that after reading your black dancers blog entry, in which we do not face that problem at all.

DH: How does being a model affect your life when you’re not modeling?
GD: Well, I don’t consider myself a model at all, and in my mind anyone with a decent body and attitude could do what I do. I am nothing special compared to a lot of superbly fit guys out there who put me to shame. Where I guess I differ from them is that I don’t mind showing it off, and I actually enjoy it. I was going to say that life when I am not working on the site is normal, but even when I am doing the site my life is normal. In fact, if I did not do the site that is when I would feel like my life is not normal. It has no effect on me at work or when I am out and about, except for the one time I was asked the chat schedule at the gas station.Ha! Now that caught me off guard!

DH: Is the chatting your only source of work, or do you have other projects and/or jobs as well?
GD: It’s just something I do on the side for fun and an extra source of income. The site could not support me in full, but perhaps one day it possible could. I am completely happy with my profession as a Firefighter for the city where I currently reside (and where I was born). I really have very few hobbies anymore, but some that I hope to pick back up on soon are photography, customizing cars, puzzles, and putting models together. The hobbies that I currently do regularly are working out, watching movies, playing basketball, and doing the website. Nothing beats spending simple time with some friends just chilling.

DH: What advice would you give someone who either wants to start a website or become a model for one?
GD: My advice for starting your website is to be sure you have the time, and that it is something you plan to stick with. It takes time to prosper in the business, unless you have unlimited funds. Get your thoughts and ideas together, and hire a good webmaster if you are not one yourself. I wasted a lot of time trying to do it all on my own, and you will soon find out that there are not enough hours in a day to make this a solo act.

To model for one it is simple. Make sure you got what it takes, and just start filling out forms from different sites. Investigate the ones you like, and then pick one, but never, never sign a contract that will prevent you from going elsewhere afterwards if you see that you are not happy with that organization. Being presented with a contract is another huge factor in me creating my own site. As a model you should always remain a free agent, unless their are large amounts of money at stake, and I do not know of many cam sites that are willing to put up that kind of cash. They are usually the exact opposite.

I will admit this freely: I am commitment-phobic. I’ve parted ways with many a hot buddy (did I just out myself as a total slut?), because of the pressure (or perceived pressure) to consider something more than physical romps. I don’t want it. At all. NO! Just the notion that someone wants anything from me is enough to make the elevator gown down to the basement.

I wasn’t always like that. I gave until it hurt. I did that far too many times. Finally, my little faerie wings got tattered to the point where I couldn’t flitter away anymore. That’s not to say that I’m jaded or bitter, because I’m still open to being inspired – I just don’t walk around looking for it. If lightning strikes, fine; however, I’ve learned to dodge the rain drops pretty efficiently.

Anyway, this issue of dating isn’t the focus of my story (I think). However, it does affect something else in my little world: I want to get tattoos, but I’m terrified they’ll be permanent mistakes. I like tattoos that are well-done. I think they can be extremely flattering, and that they reveal a layer of the person wearing them. But I’m so fussy about design and execution that I’ve never been able to bring myself to get any. I’m concerned that I’d find any little straying minute mistake and never be able to get past it. We are talking about tattoos, and not guys… right?

Despite these fears I’m looking at several images to gain inspiration for original designs. I know generally what I want, but I have to consider where to place them. I’m also not going to get anything done until I find an artist I trust. Before I take the plunge there are some rules that have to be established before this long term relationship can be possible.

I feel very strongly that tattoos should be original designs with strong personal significance. With that in mind I have to consider very carefully how to express the most fundamental parts of my personality, which might evolve but won’t change completely. I want something that will illustrate a basic, yet permanent philosophy. Tastes change, but wisdom grows deeper.

What is designed is important, but its size and placement matter too. I’d really like a design that fits into its space well. Perhaps it wraps around a contour or causes the eye to make a connection to something else on me? I don’t know how to explain this properly, but I know I do not want an image etched onto me like a badly placed price tag or something. The design needs to fit into its niche, to enhance the place where it sits, and to meld itself in such a way that it indisputably belongs wherever it is.

I want my tattoos to be beautiful. That doesn’t have to mean overly complex. There is beauty in simplicity as well. I think a small tattoo with pristine lines, expert filling, and excellent clarity is far more desirable than murky, busy, and/or sloppy tattoos of any size. I’m scared the tattooing will hurt, and that I’ll jump around and cause mistakes. I’m also terrified of being the victim of the artist’s random sneeze!

Oh my God! I know someone with a misspelled tattoo. I think I would have a nervous breakdown if that were to happen to me. He tried to explain that “Moter” is Old German for mother, but that’s not true. I think I’d go to jail if I got branded with a typo.

UGH! So many potential pitfalls… What if I get tired of my tattoo? What if I pick the wrong one? How difficult would it be to get rid of him? Wait… I think I’m confusing the issue already (in fact, I’m not sure which issue I’ve been talking about throughout this entire posting).