Devon Hunter

This lacks all depth, but I just wanted to comment: Half the time I don’t know where I am any more. Anyone who travels a great deal will be able to relate, I’m sure. I was just looking at the blue carpet in here, and I thought to myself, “Where the hell am I?”

I have been on the road ALOT for the past few years… Everything blended together a long time ago, in terms of hotel rooms. It probably doesn’t help that corporations try so hard to maintain their branding designs that all the spaces look eerily similar.

It took me a good 10 seconds to remember I was in Atlanta, but I had to dig in my memory to pull it out. It was like an “Aha!” moment. It is rather disturbing on some levels… Exactly how disconnected does one have to be from one’s surroundings before it becomes obvious that a rest is in order? LOL

I have to confess I’m a tad overwhelmed by the volume of private responses I have received concerning “Randy and Matt, or: The cycle of guilt and cowardice.” But more than that, I am particularly moved by the empathy and compassion so many of you have expressed in emails. I want to take a moment to tell all of you that this means very much to me, and I am sopping up your kindness and feeding my soul with it. I got an in-box full of Love Gravy!! Pass me them biscuits, boy!

I also want you to know that I am feeling better. Some of you expressed some concerns, and I definitely didn’t mean to alarm any of you. I don’t want to go into much detail right now, because it gets so complicated and confusing as the situation evolves, but let me say this: Matt and I spoke for 3 1/2 hours last night. A great deal was revealed, and it is yet another example of how my life is sometimes a Sit-Com writer’s wet dream come true… The comedy of errors I’m capable of is pretty staggering at times.

But that’s what happens when I feel compelled to fill in blanks where communication should be doing it for me. I will say more later, but for now I want to address two readers in particular:

(From J.N.)
“…The moment of clarity that comes with ‘I have met the enemy and it is I’ is earth shattering. But, at the same time, it can be an extraordinarily liberating feeling precisely because it DOES allow you an opportunity to break a cycle (or cycles for that matter).

“…while the gallon of arsenic Randy fed you over years is on a completely different order of magnitude to the ounce of arsenic you have given to Matt, it does not change the fact that you are giving him arsenic. Again, this does not negate what Randy did. It does not excuse it. It does not undo it. BUT, I think it does mean that we kid ourselves if we think we cannot and do not warp ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’”

J.N. – You are exactly right. I wonder if, on some level, the magic mirror cracks in the fairy tales because of the wicked queen’s finally seeing herself as she is? And while I am not ready to explain yet what I mean by it, I am completely relieved to find out that Matt did not think I was doing anything that I feared I was. However, (for argument’s sake) let’s say I was, in fact, feeding Matt poison: I do not regret the miscommunication, because I have had the revelation you mentioned. Cycles can be broken. I am glad Matt doesn’t feel poisoned, but I am even gladder that I know to make sure I don’t start.

(from Clint)
“…I was going to talk about how each one of your blogs that I’ve read have affected me, or changed my perspective. But, really, I’m sending this email more as a thanks. Remember that even on your darkest days, when you blog, you have several people that learn something about themselves. And on your good days, you have several people who celebrate with you.”

Clint – In your email (which I have grossly abbreviated here, I’m sorry) you said you believe that if you “Give to the world the best you can, the best will come back to you.” I cannot stress enough that this (although much more eloquent than what I have written) is the foundation of almost everything I want. A reader named J.C. asked me what I want from my interactions with people, and I eventually said “honesty.” But I need to amend this, so that it includes your words as well: I want honesty, but I want to remember (as much as possible) that, even when I don’t like what I learn, if someone gives me honesty, I have to accept it as the best that person can give me, and I have to give it back to him/her in the spirit of appreciation.

Thank you, all of you, for your kindnesses. Some will regard it as weakness or soppy emotional quibble/piddle/drivel; however, never doubt that giving the best you have rewards EVERYONE in the long run. Ripples in the pond, Clint, ripples in the pond!

I suppose it’s about time you guys finally caught up to the New Year Us heathens had ours way back on November 1, so I would like to finally welcome you all to the “new” year. HA!

At any rate, I danced in Nashville, TN at a club called Play on the night of December 31, and I had a great time. It was very nice to be away from the troubles here at home, and to be floating in an ocean of people who were feeling happiness and excitement. I was baptised in their optimism, and it has helped me come into this entry with a lighter heart (though I am still prone to flashes of panic and sadness within a greater context of “pretty good”).

Something I am remembering is that we can be only who we are. And it really is that simple (and yet that complicated). I recognize that I am just as liable to wound as be wounded, and going forward I feel a bit more acceptance for myself. In placing “Randy and Matt” as an entry on my Favorites list I had to reread some that were already there, and “…in the end” has helped me, too. (Wait, you guys thought I wrote all these blogs for others?? Nooooo! I need to go back and see my own thoughts from time to time…)

Here is a little piece of brilliant pop confection by Natasha Bedingfield that I want to put out here right now, because it is exactly what it is. Please remember to speak and feel honestly in this “new” year, even if it makes you vulnerable. Oh, and keep it simple. As the lyrics of this song say: “These words are my own, from my heart flow: ‘I love you.’ There’s no other way to better say, ‘I love you.’” And that is the beauty of honesty – poetry can be a wonderful robe, but often it’s better to be naked.