Devon Hunter

Dear Devon,

By the time you read this I will be gone. We’ve been together so long, that it hurts me to leave you. I want you to know that I’ll always be there waiting. Even if it’s only in your memories. You don’t need me anymore, so I have to say goodbye.

You turned 33 yesterday (excuse me, 24 for the ninth time). It was an amazingly beautiful day in Charlotte, NC. The sun was bright, but not scalding. The sky was such a dark blue. That delicious breeze was warm and soft. Just perfect. The Goddess couldn’t have sent better weather to celebreate the most important day of your year. And what a great start you had: The mechanics fixed the car for free, you spent time with some good friends, and then you ate some nice food. I enjoyed sitting there watching you, my hand on your shoulder. I have enjoyed touching you so deeply. I was sure that we’d be together forever. But yesterday something changed.

Last night your solo video for Sean Cody was debuted. On your birthday no less! How the fates do it… I just don’t know. But that video clip, and the stills from it, have ruined any chance we have of being together. What is even more shocking to me is how easily you let me just slip away. As if I’d never been a part of your life. That hurt. To be dismissed so suddenly. So absolutely. So definitively. And for what? Porn!

You were so overjoyed with the images. I admit: There’s not much fault I can find in them (and you know I can find fault in just about anything: I like to think it makes me practical, and I’m sorry you’ve never seemed to agree). And that’s when I realized that everything I was saying to you was bypassing your hearing and thinking. I was completely erased for about 30 minutes. It was as if I were speaking Farsi to a total stranger. You didn’t even give me a glance.

That is unacceptable.

I cannot tolerate being looked over every time you find success. You have always listened to me, and I have always been there, whenever you were downcast or alone. Whenever you felt like you couldn’t go on anymore, who was it that was standing there? Me. It was me. I deserve better. Each time you are happy you immeditaely put me aside. I am so sick of it.

So now you will have to continue on without me. It has been a long road. But I am not willing to sit idly by while you zoom down the highway of your life. There are others out there who will be glad to give me a ride. They will embrace me. They will never let go of me. These are the potential hosts who will let me into their homes, hearts, and minds. They will make me feel welcome. They will look at you as if you were a fool to let me go. But I am leaving for now. Whenever you feel lonely, just rememeber that I will always be happy to come back to you.

Love,

Doubt

Happy Birthday to me: My solo video went live an hour ago! LOL They said it would take 3-6 months… it took only 6 weeks! LOL Someone sent me an email asking, “Happy birthday - and don’t you look familiar from a certain website?” Hahaha

If you don’t wanna be scandalized, then don’t click below:

http://www.seancody.com/page.php?frame=movie&movie=827

Today I’m turning 24 again. This is becoming a habit. But it’s made possible by avoiding the sun, not smoking, not using soap on my face, exercise, lots of water, a relatively clean diet, and using a moisturizer with SPF 15 or higher. Oh, and by laughing at least 10 times a day about something that makes me happy.

In my belief system today is the most important day of my year: The Naming Day. I’m going to go celebrate me. And the goddess couldn’t have given me a more perfect day. The sun is out, the sky is a dark blue, a breeze is whispering across my cheeks, the day creatures are singing/scampering/frolicking, and I have amazing people and dreams in my life.

I was very sad for a few days after the shocking news about MJ’s untimely death. And it still hurts. I just watched Janet Jackson speaking at the BET awards, which was followed by a very moving preformance of “I’ll Be There” by Jamie Foxx. It reminded me of a couple points of Thanksgiving: I was inspired throughout my life by a beautiful soul who will hopefully be at peace; I am beginning a personal cycle of renewal and rejuvenation (which is gracious aging comingled with deepening wisdom); and I am looking forward to making progress on several goals.

Happy new year to you all. I can be egocentric today: It’s my birthday. Thanks for all you do. XO

Michael Jackson died today, and I am completely bereft. I have spent the last several hours crying until my eyes are sore and raw, and I don’t care if anyone thinks it ridiculous or silly. He is one of my heroes, and it has not been easy watching him die slowly for the last 15 years. I expected him to die early, because that type of furious fire always burns itself out quickly… but 50? I thought he’d puff out at 60.

I don’t believe any of the slander. I never did. I know that he was a kind, fragile, and beautiful person who, despite what must have been incredible tenacity, was not strong enough to support the weight of his own talent, legend, fame, and wealth. I do believe that he survived (what in time will be revealed to be) incredible abuse at the hands of his father and early producers at Motown. I also believe that if there is any truth whatsoever to the slander against him, that it is a thorny seed planted in him as a child, which then grew into a terrible flower. But I don’t believe any of the slander.

Michael invented and developed the vocabulary of pop music culture for the entire world from the 1970’s until now, with everything in pop music, dance, and video being either an imitation or variation of his invention, or a total rejection of it (which is still a response to it). His presence, even in a two dimensional reduction of the man himself, was captivating. He took all the influences of his youth, mixed them up with his own vision, and put out some of the most strikingly brilliant material the world has ever seen.

Michael was a philanthropist. He was a visionary. He was an artist.

And even though I never met him or knew him, I feel that I have lost one of my best friends. His soul was too big for one body. His genius was too intense for one mind. In building bridges across race, gender, and class, he destroyed the connection between himself and the external world. Like any number of other creative whirlwinds (en français on les appèlle”les monstres sacrés”), he spun out of control trying to find the calm at his own center. Michael Jackson, as a dancer and entertainer (along with Janet), is the reason I became an artist and scholar.

There is no one to replace him. I can’t believe that body is now still forever. I love you Michael. Good bye.

Yesterday I was running around like crazy: I got up early (hey, 10 o’clock for me is like 4 a.m. to anyone else), went to the bank to have counter checks made for my upcoming move to an apartment of my very own (for the first time since 2003!!); I handled some phone drama; I ordered some business cards, which are going to be SNAZZY; I had a one-year eye exam for my Lasik; I took the counter checks to the apartment complex; I got a haircut; I worked out with my trainer; I trained a fitness client; I had dinner with a collaborator (yay Keith!); and I had rehearsal.

Breathe. (no time for that nonsense… just kidding)

Today I’m just gonna do some laundry and hope for the best. LOL Well, I do have rehearsal again. And I need to do some cleaning around the house. Okay, yeah, it’ll be productive too (but with far less driving). I wanna just read and pet my kitty. Sigh.

You gotta handle your personal life, even/especially if you’re an adult entertainer, or chaos will follow you to work… not pretty. Hope you’re all well! Oh, and Happy belated Summer Solstace! xoxo