Devon Hunter

I was obsessed with a piece of jewelry. I bought it, despite some trepidation and guilt. And I do not regret it at all, now that I can wear it whenever I want (though I generally reserve it for special occasions). I believe someone expressed the doubt that it looked like something a “grandmother” would wear (although, for personal reasons, I’m offended more that someone would use the term grandmother in such a way rather than for implying I’d look like an older woman).

At any rate, this isn’t a long, analytical post about the state of affairs of LGBTQ exotic dancers in Tibet. This is simply a light update, because I’m in need of some light. Heavy, heavy, heavy weekend. Not something I’m in a place to discuss just yet. Once I sort out my thoughts I’m sure it will generate some interesting material. Until then, I present you with Reginald, the homeless sapphires I adopted this past Yule. They have a nice weight, and the designed metal plate on the back warms up against my throat nicely. It’s almost like the enhancer nuzzles my neck. It’s a comforting sensation, and oddly enough I feel naked after I take it off, as if part of me is chopped off. Strange…

There are thousands of types of touch. But, for me, they break down into three overarching categories: Subtractive, Neutral, and Additive. If you are going to be an entertainer, you have to be okay with being touched. It’s simply part of the job (unless you’re in one of those bizarre U.S. states where the dancer performs in the middle of a cage/stage with an enclosement of chicken wire that stands as a barracade five feet between the dancer and the patons – in those places the tips are passed through the spaces of the chicken wire, and the dancer can’t collect them until the patron steps back away from the barrier). However, it’s wise to understand that you’re going to need to find balance in being touched. The highest priority: Make sure that your personal boundaries and the laws for your area are both being respected. It’s important to note that your perception of the same touch will be different from moment to moment, depending on a host of circumstances.

Subtractive Touch

When you are touched in such a manner that it costs you more than the tip you are gaining, you are losing something within yourself. You will know Subtractive Touch almost immediately. It makes you feel uncomfortable, ashamed, distressed, or humiliated. Perhaps it causes you pain as well. Possibly worse: It makes you feel absolutely “nothing” (but not in a neutral manner). When all is said and done, Subtractive Touch makes you feel less than. I would guess that approximately 10 percent of the touching I experience in an average night is Subtractive. Some nights are better, others are worse. Generally, these touches get temporarily balanced out by the preponderance of Neutral Touch and the covalent Additive Touch. Real problems can come up pretty fast on the nights when this isn’t the case.

Neutral Touch

In a rough estimate, I would say 80 percent of the touches in an evening are Neutral: They do not please or offend me. They require only as much time and attention as the value of the tip they entail. And they are completed without any regret or celebration. They simply are what they are: A transaction. Here are your onion rings, that will be $1.79. The problem with Neutral Touch is that it is repetitive. It is connected to the largest part of your earnings, which is good, but it is also numbing, which is bad.

It is important to find ways to rejeuvenate your senses throughout your shift, so that you do not become zombie-like. Once at Swinging Richards a patron had his hand cupping my testicles for a good 60 seconds or more while we were talking about politics before I realized it was happening: “Your hand is on my balls.” “Yep.” “How long has it been there?” “Oh, nearing a minute, I suppose.” “Wow… You are going to tip me eventually, right?” (One of the stupidest dollars I ever earned. LOL… click dont-touch-those for a funny wav file: NOT SAFE FOR WORK) That’s a good example of what not to allow Neutral Touch to become. In most all instances, however, Neutral Touch is polite, discreet, respectful, and superficially flattering. It can teeter over into Negative if not properly managed.

Additive Touch

This is absolutely essential. You really must experience enough Additive Touch to completely balance the Subtractive and to enliven the Neutral. As with Subtractive, about 10 percent of the touch I experience in a shift makes me feel attractive, strong, genuinely appreciated, and complemented beyond simple flattery. It is important to note, however, that if you do not get enough restoration while at work, you really must find a means to get it from some other source.

I will admit it candidly: My feelings get hurt very easily. I am not thick-skinned. I need more than 10 percent Additive Touch to renew me. I also workout 2-4 times each week for 45-75 minutes/session. I don’t exercise alot, but I exercise intensely. These two issues together mean that I can reasonably “justify” a particular “splurge” that I am nearly absolutely committed to: I get a 60/120-minute massage once a week from my friend Ron, who has one of the most gifted healing touches I’ve ever experienced.

There are other types of Additive Touch. If you have a lover or someone whom you trust, let that person put hands on you in a non-sexual but intimate manner. Perhaps they will let you lay back, and will simply stroke your face with the backs of their fingers while you listen to soft music? Or maybe they put one hand over your heart and another over your navel with essential oils? It is important to allow yourself to experience this type of healing, so that your body/mind/heart/soul does not connect all physical contact to something sexual (which is completely inaccurate/inapproptiate in most instances outside of your shift).

Additive Touch puts gas in your tank, so to speak. It airs out your house. Think of whatever Additive Touch you get beyond work as a vitamin that nourishes you. If the hundreds or thousands of touches you experience in a week/weekend are the repetitions and sets you do at the gym, then the massage/friendly hand holding/hugs from Mom that you take in during the off hours is the supplement that feeds your system.

A final suggestion, for your Additive Touch therapy: When you do have sex, try to make it as organic (but safe), passionate, and emotionally invested (even if only temporarily) as possible. You don’t want to hurt someone else in the process of healing yourself, so if necessary make it clear that although the sex you are about to have may rupture the time-space continuum, it isn’t anything that it isn’t. You don’t want to lead someone down the wrong path if you aren’t feeling residually more than you are momentarily, but you also do not want your entire sexuality to devolve into a series of automatic, mechical actions. Live succulently!

This post is rather like the flip-side to yesterday’s “Where is the love?” entry. If I was decrying entertainers who sabotage, then I also need to praise entertainers who collaborate (which is just as common, and is one of the points of tenuous balance in this career). Yes, there will be people who wish you ill. However, there will also be people who want you to succeed. Some will embrace you tightly.

I firmly believe that when the team is strong, it’s a win for everyone: The patrons are entertained and happy to be supportive, the entertainers/bar staff make a living, and the owners turn a profit. All is right in the universe. It behooves you to be generous (but not to the point of making yourself a martyr).

Understand this: I’m not telling every veteran dancer to share every bit of knowledge with every neonate. Like James Brown said, “I taught you everything you know… but not everything I know.” I personally have mentored only two people in all my time doing this. One was a crash and burn, the other is Scotty – and he is a friend for life. I have zero regrets. I am currently trying to gauge whether or not a dancer I’m trying to help is going to accept or not. I only offer a little to see if there’s any point investing.

I am very selective about whom I mentor, but I am very generous about whom I encourage. If I see someone who is essentially a good person, but who is not fulfilling a potential, I will tentatively extend a hand. The current dancer in question is not polished at all (in fact, he embarrasses me sometimes with his antics); however, he is reliable, honest, funny, extroverted, and friendly. He showed up at work spur-of-the-moment last Saturday when another dancer bailed, and he has done this multiple times. He helped me, because I would have been short-staffed. I realized, after several weeks of him being around, that he is a team player. This one can be honed, if he listens. I want this one to stick around, but he won’t if he can’t make more money. Then where will I be?

Is this selfish? Yes. Definitely. However, it’s symbiotic. He gets paid, and I get some relief. I may also end up with a new friend. So, what’s there to lose? Right now I’m watching carefully to see if he’s committed, and thus worth my investment. If yes, we’ll proceed. If no, then I’m out only the three pairs of underwear that I gave him (that I never wore anyway).

Perhaps that wasn’t the most altruistic example, and thus doesn’t really balance the sabotage entry from yesterday? But it is an example of how there are helpers who balance the haters. I have met many, many dancers who have encouraged me when I was down. I personally never had a mentor, but if there is anyone who begins to approach that role, it would be Carlos. That man is amazing. I admire him very much. If I could give only one piece of advice to every adult entertainer in the world in one moment, it would be this: Collaboration good, sabotage bad.

I’ve not talked too much about the competitive nature of what I do. I’ve mentioned office drama vaguely. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned it directly at all. Perhaps a few instances here and there of “if you see others doing well, and you’re not, don’t take it personally…” But I don’t recall ever mentioning what the dressing room is like…

It’s definitely dependent on the club and the environment it creates for itself, its patrons, and its staff. PT1109 in Columbia, SC is very friendly, in my opinion. For the most part the patrons are very good natured, the bartenders are supportive of the dancers, the owner is a no-nonsense type of dude, and 90% of the dancers are laid back. Every now and then we get an asshole in there, but they don’t last long at PT1109. That bar is definitely the kind of place where attitude isn’t rewarded much, no matter how big your muscles are.

Conversely, Swinging Richards can sometimes feel like a fucking beauty pageant backstage. What a bunch of stupid drama!! And men have the audacity to call women gossipy?? These straight guys cease being sexy the moment they walk back stage and start talking… ugh! For the most part we all get along very well in Atlanta, or live and let live; however, there are a few guys who should be glad they’re so much bigger than me. There are a few who really need a good, swift kick in the butt. They tend to be the same ones who sabatoge the dancers they don’t like. Gotta watch ‘em…  I’ve also experienced some haters at The Castle in Greenville – former dancers… go figure.

It can be discouraging when you aren’t comfortable with your coworkers. It can get downright ugly when you have good reason to believe someone is actually undermining you on purpose. I know I’ve painted a portrait of myself as someone who is very nice (because I am), but I do not tolerate people being destructive to me in this particular manner. I’ve tolerated other forms of abuse, but I have zero patience for other dancers (or former dancers) doing or saying anything to make me look bad to patrons. Devon to Diva in about 2.3 seconds flat. Miss Thang does know how to raise an eyebrow at a bitchy strippa.

What then do you do? It’s best to first try to talk to the person/people in question, to make certain that there’s not a misunderstanding that can’t be fixed among peers. Most of the time instigators will back off really fast – people know when they’re in the wrong. If polite inquiry doesn’t help, then I start channeling Miss Jackson. I do this so rarely that it tends to accomplish what Southern Charm doesn’t. In only a few instances have I had to speak to a Booking Manager or some other figure of authority.

If you are going to dance at a club or event where there are other dancers, you simply have to accept that there will be competition. Scotty and I have a friendly competition – we stay in shape, we check in with each other, we encourage each other, I tell Scotty if a patron tells me Scotty is hot (and vice versa), and we are happy for each other when either or both do well.

Sadly, competition isn’t always friendly. Some people do not appreciate the value of collaboration. They are too selfish to see that they will do better if everyone on the team looks good. Would you go buy a car at a lot with one nice vehicle and 30 jallopies? Or would you be more likely to go shop at a place where the lot can offer you your choice of sports cars? I guess some strippers are just ignorant. Whatever.

If you find yourself confronted by a destructive dancer, former dancer, patron, staff member… It’s often best to behave better, so that their criticisms look empty. How can anyone believe an ugly-acting person when you yourself are so charming, polite, beguiling, sexy, and friendly to the people who are slandering you. In almost every case I have found that the person hating on you makes himself look way worse than anything he could do to you. In fact, I have had friends of haters come up and tip or compliment me, specifically so that I and others wouldn’t lump them in with the person causing the problem.

Where is the love? It’s in you. It’s also in the people who end up being sympathetic/empathetic to you for being the “victim” of malice. People tend to side with the person targeted, not the person who is being aggressive. You will probably not win people’s minds over by being confrontational. If someone says you’re gross, unattractive, dirty, stupid, whorish, etc., and you get mean… it will, on some level, confirm in the minds of others that you must, after all, be the brutish piece of trash they thought you were. Reasonable people generally can’t help but respond constructively to maturity and positivity.

You know who you are. Forget the haters. The ones you should be most dismissive of (in the kindest manner possible), are the former dancers who wish they were still the center of attention, but are not. These people are acting out because of jealousy. Whatever they are saying about you probably has no basis in reality. Let it go, and keep connecting with the people who do like you (see the flip-side to all this: “Here is the love!”).

Scotty asked me this weekend how I avoid burnout. I’ve talked about this in a couple postings already (click here, click here, or click here), but I’ve not gone into much beyond the advice that you should take time off. I’ve mentioned driving through the mountains. Stuff like that.

But I’ve enjoyed a longevity in this career, because of a particular advantage I have: I am a dancer. When I make the statement, “I am a dancer,” that is the same declaration of identity as saying “I am White, ” “I am a man,” “I am American,” “I am gay,” or “I am Devon.” Dance is my life. True, I have artistic endeavors (which I would share with you if YouTube weren’t so damned pissy – I still can’t get my videos uploaded). But I am a performer at heart. I am getting paid to do what I enjoy. This cannot be underestimated enough.

I’m not saying that only those who identify as dancers will have longevity. I simply make the point that truly enjoying what you do will help you keep in better perspective. If you are going to work in adult entertainment you are going to have to connect with it on some kind of personal level. The degree to which you do this can be determined only by you; however, (as I have said repeatedly) if you do not like what you are doing, it doesn’t matter what your career is.

Make time for yourself, be at peace with what you do, and enjoy yourself.