Devon Hunter

Dear Devon,

I know you don’t date, but I’d still like to hear your thoughts on something. I went out last night with a guy that I thought was gonna be awesome. He made it clear that he thought I was a prostitute, because I’m a dancer. He said, “You’re not dating material, even if you think you are.” He also said when he goes to strip clubs he doesn’t pay. He’s a landscape designer, so it’s not like he’s some important person. Why does he get to be so judgmental?

Also, when we first started talking he was right there whenever I’d text or call, but now nothing. During dinner he was texting his friends, telling them my name, just for bragging rights. But now I feel like I have to chase him. He’s beautiful, and I can tell he’s used to getting his way and treating people however he wants. What do you think of all this?

- Tyler

Dear Tyler,

I think he’s an asshole. That’s what I think of all this. Without knowing all the details, let me offer responses to what all I’m sensing in this:

1. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy, simply because of your profession, then you shouldn’t feel bad when you do what’s necessary: Cut. Him. Out. Do it now. He’s using you as a trophy to prop up his own ego.
2. He doesn’t like strippers but he goes to strip clubs? I smell hypocrisy.
3. He doesn’t pay? And it sounds like he doesn’t pay out of a sense of superiority (something particularly irksome that many “hot” patrons do). Whether you ask him this in person or not, ponder the following question: If I were running late to a job interview, and I decided to cut through the flowerbed to save a moment or two, would you think it disrespectful? They’re “just” petunias (never mind that you selected the color, placement, and assemblage; that you had to use your time and energy to plan the bed and get the materials; that you had to invest in planting and nurturing them). If I’m running late for this interview, isn’t it okay for me to trample your silly flowers?
4. Whether or not you’re ready to consider yourself dating material is your own question to answer. You know yourself better than he does. Ignore this bit of ignorance, if possible. I know it’s a hurtful comment, but try to not absorb it.
5. In the book “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Persuit of Perfection” by Tim Bergling, there is a phenomenon described that I’ve referred to before on this blog. The desire/rejection cycle is a real part of everyone’s world, but particularly burdensome for gay men (whose identities are wrapped up in sexuality, and thus whose identities are greatly invested in getting laid… no sex = no existence?). Why are you giving this man power? Because he’s hot? Stop it. Just stop it. He’s a prat, and he doesn’t respect you. I don’t care if he’s a cover model for a workout magazine, you should let this one go. His arrogance and inflated sense of entitlement alone make him ridiculous. If he is accustomed to treating people any which way, then why would he change for you? You rejecting him may be the very experience he needs to help him recognize that his opinions are about as important as anyone else’s.

I know it’s “natural” for people (men especially, and gay men in particular) to jump at touching Adonis (whether in becoming Adonis, obtaining one, or both); however, if you find you are chasing (or that you are being chased), then you aren’t in stride with your partner. A relationship is about relating to someone, not just spending time around him. If I have to chase after you, you are running away from me. If you have to chase after me, I am trying (on some level) to get away from you. How would that ever be happy, fulfilling, or healthy? Find someone who will walk by your side, not in front of or behind you.

In closing, I think that people should be responsible for their own feelings, but not at the expense of the feelings of others. It seems to me that beautiful people should consider owning their looks without becoming mean. The roulette wheel could have stopped one space to the left or right. Your looks are not, hopefully, all you have to offer. And they shouldn’t be used as a weapon. Pride tempered with some humility is very sexy.

I had two, count them TWO, piña colada flavored daquiris with dinner tonight, and now I’m feeling silly. Here’s a funny story for you…

I went into a store to try on some new shoes, since the ones I’ve got are all but clobbered from dancing. Now, keep in mind that tips find their way into all sorts of interesting places…

Anyway, I took my boots off, and, lo and behold, some money falls out of them. That was strange enough to try to explain, so I just treated it like I did at the bank with the cigarettes and ass story. “I’m an exotic dancer - someone must’ve tipped me in my boots, and the money got stuck under my foot or something.” “Ah,” she said nonchalantly. People always grin when unexpectedly in the presence of a stripper.

Okay, it gets better.

So, she started asking me about work. And I, being the blabber mouth that I am, answered her questions candidly.

“So, people tip you all over and you don’t always know?”

“That’s right! If the money sits in one spot too long, you just stop feeling it touching you.” At this moment, to add some drama to the conversation (me being the consumate performer that I am), I said, “Even up under here!” At which point I reached into my underwear to cup my balls. Then I felt it…

I had a bill under my nuts. My face went a little pale. I could feel my eyes get wide.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

I pulled my hand out, and she saw it the same moment I did: A $20 bill, looking very shabby and ill-used, wilted in my hand.

“How embarrassing,” I said, with a look of incredulity on my face.

“Well,” she said, “last time I reached under there on my boyfriend, all I found was some bitch’s phone number!”

Devon Hunter (DH): What do you do at www.GuysDivine.com?
GuysDivine.com (GD): Currently on the site we offer live webcam chats in which we show off the male body, and tease the audience a little in a sometimes sexual manner. We also offer a variety of pictures, but our main focus is the live chats and HD chat archives. We stream live with a webcam, and record the chat at the same time with an HD camcorder, which we later upload to the server for members to download, so they can have lasting enjoyment.

Our future plans are to continue growing on a fitness level, as well as an intimate level by adding more models, fitness pictures, fitness videos, semi-erotic videos/pictures, and fun for all pictures and videos. We try to capture a different side of the male physique other than it being used for simple porn. We also try to make everyone feel like they are a part of the site/family and not just another “member.” I have taken the time more than once to chat with members outside of the site on a friendship basis, and have even made some really good friends this way.

DH: How did you come to decide to create your site?
GD: After modeling for a Florida website and several others I learned that these high income sites can be a little inconsiderate and greedy. After learning the business I was just sick and tired of how these other sites ran their business and how poorly they treated their models. I thought if I could start a site of my own and and run it with some class, then I should do that very thing for myself as well as for others.

As it turned out I had enough of a following that I was able to start www.GuysDivine.com, and support it with only a small group of people who enjoyed watching me chat. Although it has been a ton of work (and also a lot of let downs), I feel it has been well worth the effort, and I think the site is now at a point to where it can really start to grow.

DH: How is your chat site different from other cam sites?
GD: We are sort of a cross-breed of the muscle cam sites and the sexual sites. We do claim to be non-nude; however, sometimes we have been known to do some tasteful nude posing and horseplay. We are now allowing all models to act within their comfort zone, which means if they want to get nude then they can, and if they want to go further than that, then we say go for it. Also I do not know of another site that uses an actual gay couple in its cam shows, not openly at least.

My bf and I do duo chats for the members, as well as individual solo chats too. As of right now he and I are the only guys chatting, because good models are hard to find, and most guys are chasing that dollar no matter how they are treated. Currently we have five new guys on the waiting list, and all we need to do is get them setup and ready to go. Hopefully at least one of these guys will survive. Ha!

DH: In what ways is your work satisfying to you on a professional and/or personal level?
GD: Well, the website is not my profession, and I actually was not sure that it would become what it is today. I definitely do this on a personal level, and the satisfaction I get from it is that it inspires me to keep fit. Lets face it, if I were not in shape I would not be in this business. Also, I guess in a way satisfaction comes from possibly being truly successful in this business without actually compromising my values. I can do the site and not be pressured to do anything I do not want to do just for the sake of a dollar. I think too many people throw their limitations and standards to the side for money, which they will usually regret. My site does not ask anyone to do something that they feel uncomfortable with, period.

DH: You work with your boyfriend on the site. How does sharing intimacy with him for an audience affect your relationship with him?
GD: Our chats our no more intimate than we would want to share, a little kiss here and there or a pat on the ass is hardly anything to hide. Most of our chats are playful and fun, with a little sensual worshiping thrown into the mix. We really do not have anything set to do before these chats, which keeps it fresh and fun. The site really has no negative effect on the relationship at all.

DH: How do people react in favorable ways to your working with your boyfriend? What negative responses do you get, if any?
GD: Everything is great, and we both get a lot of support through the site. People really enjoy seeing us together on the site. The duo chats are by far the most attended chats, because people love interaction. The only negative responses are from people who have never seen what we do, and who automatically think it’s a porn site. Once I respond with an explanation they change their mind pretty fast.

DH: Do you find that your situation is similar to that of exotic dancers, or do my blogs not really speak to your experiences? What would you say to clarify, extend, or correct anything I’ve said about “the biz” as it pertains to what you do?
GD: Although I have not read a lot on your blog, I will say that what I have read does not really have as much in common as some may think. I guess with this being a net thing, opposed to dancing live in front of people, it puts certain issues at bay. When we have a problem with someone we can get rid of them easily with the push of a button and a refund. Ha! For me, I do not think I could dance or show off live, but in the comfort of my own home it works out perfectly.

There will always be a certain favoritism anywhere you go when it comes to models in general, and some people will attend one model’s chats and not anyone else’s, but that is that person’s choice, so I don’t feel the need to stress on favoritism. Only saying that after reading your black dancers blog entry, in which we do not face that problem at all.

DH: How does being a model affect your life when you’re not modeling?
GD: Well, I don’t consider myself a model at all, and in my mind anyone with a decent body and attitude could do what I do. I am nothing special compared to a lot of superbly fit guys out there who put me to shame. Where I guess I differ from them is that I don’t mind showing it off, and I actually enjoy it. I was going to say that life when I am not working on the site is normal, but even when I am doing the site my life is normal. In fact, if I did not do the site that is when I would feel like my life is not normal. It has no effect on me at work or when I am out and about, except for the one time I was asked the chat schedule at the gas station.Ha! Now that caught me off guard!

DH: Is the chatting your only source of work, or do you have other projects and/or jobs as well?
GD: It’s just something I do on the side for fun and an extra source of income. The site could not support me in full, but perhaps one day it possible could. I am completely happy with my profession as a Firefighter for the city where I currently reside (and where I was born). I really have very few hobbies anymore, but some that I hope to pick back up on soon are photography, customizing cars, puzzles, and putting models together. The hobbies that I currently do regularly are working out, watching movies, playing basketball, and doing the website. Nothing beats spending simple time with some friends just chilling.

DH: What advice would you give someone who either wants to start a website or become a model for one?
GD: My advice for starting your website is to be sure you have the time, and that it is something you plan to stick with. It takes time to prosper in the business, unless you have unlimited funds. Get your thoughts and ideas together, and hire a good webmaster if you are not one yourself. I wasted a lot of time trying to do it all on my own, and you will soon find out that there are not enough hours in a day to make this a solo act.

To model for one it is simple. Make sure you got what it takes, and just start filling out forms from different sites. Investigate the ones you like, and then pick one, but never, never sign a contract that will prevent you from going elsewhere afterwards if you see that you are not happy with that organization. Being presented with a contract is another huge factor in me creating my own site. As a model you should always remain a free agent, unless their are large amounts of money at stake, and I do not know of many cam sites that are willing to put up that kind of cash. They are usually the exact opposite.

Perhaps this isn’t the case where you live? But I’m working throughout Georgia, North Carolina, and South Carolina. I can speak only from my own experience…

I know several gorgeous dancers of color. Some are Latino, one is Asian, and the remaining are African American. Most of the Latinos do very well, and so does the Asian. I frequently hear complaints from those who are Black, or some mix thereof. I cannot speak for them or from their perspective, but what I can do is voice frustration for them. (If you are a Black dancer, or if you know one, please consider writing a blog entry for the site on this subject.)

Before I continue, let me say this: If you are one of my beautiful Black brothers in the art, you should consider very carefully the venues you choose. I know career dancers who are Black, and who do very well; however, until we as a culture mature enough to see beauty as it is, you are likely to run into a passive form of racism at predominantly White clubs (”I’m not racist. I’m just not attracted to Black guys.” Ergo, I won’t tip them.). It’s impossible to force people to budge on preference, so you’ll need a strategy in mind for placing yourself amongst people who will appreciate you. As a person of color I’m sure it is frustrating to be fetishized, but as a dancer/business man you have to perform where you can make the most money.

I’m trying to make an ugly truth known to a wider base of patrons. I go into this entry knowing that it is a minefield, especially since I’m from the South. But I am not trying to discourage anyone, and I am not trying to offend anyone (likely, that will happen whether I try or not). What I do want to do is bring attention to the fact that most Black dancers work hard. The sad truth is that it’s because they have to. I’ve seen it first hand far too much - the White dancers who just stand there like (poorly rendered and often arrogant) sculptures and get money literally thrown at them, while the Black dancers putting on a fucking show come off with a tiny fraction of the same… It’s not right.

I am not going to tell people whom they should fantasize about, nor am I going to lecture people about racism. Both tirades would be ridiculous at best. What I can do is remind patrons that everyone has bills to pay, and that everyone is hurt by rejection/invisibility/marginalization. Yes, you as a patron are there to exercise your right to dawdle over the dancers you like. But please consider the entertainment value of what you are seeing. Regardless of which dancers make you hot, are there any that simply command respect just because their skills are amazing? Would it kill you to tip a brotha for being off the chain?

One of the frustrations in this career is that what you make isn’t necessarily connected to how much you work out, whether or not you’re nice, and being a good performer. You are at the mercy of Whim. Whim is the god of moodswings. We aren’t rewarded or compensated on a regular, consistent basis for anything other than the benefiscence of Whim. Speaking as someone who has had bad nights and knows how frustrating they can be, please consider interacting not just with the dancers who make you think “Mmmm!,” but also with those who make you think “Ahhh!”

Dear Devon,

My stage name is Jasper, but my real name is Marcus. I just wanted to be clear on that, so that when I don’t sign this “Jasper,” you’ll know why. Anyway, I think you understand when I say it’s difficult to let people in. But I’ve been single a long time, and I met someone that I like and I’m ready to love again. Or ready to try anyway - I know failure is a possibility, but I’m tired of being alone and lonely. His name is Paul, and I feel that we share that rare connection. The problem is that he knows I’m a dancer (he met me at the club, in fact), and although he is totally into me he thinks I’m being nice to him, because I’m nice to everyone. We went to dinner. I told him my real name, and gave him my number. I even told my Mom about him! He says I meet tons of men, and I can have whoever I want. How do I let him know that I really do want him? How do I get him to separate my work from my heart?

Marcus

Dear Marcus,

Wow… Boy do I ever understand this situation! Far too well… At any rate, if this is truly something you want to do, despite the complications that could very well come up, then you definitely don’t want to have regrets later for not at least trying. I’m not suggesting that you necessarily copy and paste what I’m about to write, but I think it’s sufficiently sincere enough to be worth rewording in your own way:

“Paul, you know that I’m a dancer, and that I sell fantasies. And yes, I do meet tons of men; however, I don’t meet tons of men that I go to dinner with and tell my mother about. I’ve told you my birth name, which is a huge leap of faith for me. I can understand why you might question my sincerity; however, Jasper takes care of business, and doesn’t truly let people in. This is Marcus talking to you, and I am speaking from a place of vulnerability. There isn’t anything complicated that you should try to read into this: I am interested in you.”

I think that’d be a good start. It’d make me take note if someone said it to me. But I would like to make a point here: Being alone and being lonely aren’t necessarily the same. I would advise anyone to make certain first that s/he is a whole person looking for another whole person. I do not believe in two halves making a whole - that is completely inadequate. Seek synergy. 1 + 1 = 3 is far, far better than 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. Good luck to you, and make sure you pay attention.