Devon Hunter

Last week there was a bit of a crisis with one of my friends and his girlfriend. She’d found some text messages on his phone that were (to an uninformed eye) extrememly shady and hurtful at best. I had to explain to her why she should not be upset about this particular set of messages from another woman. I was surprised that after nearly a year there were so many details she wasn’t aware of. My friend should have explained better what his interactions are, but also his girlfriend should have been asking more questions.

Here are some details that the lovers of entertainers need to know:

1. For the most part your partner is probably not cheating on you. If your partner has not explained it to you thoroughly, you have to understand that we sell fantasies. Our patrons know this. It’s what they want. Unfortunately, sometimes they get wrapped up in their own ideas. If you come across incriminating messages, talk to your partner. An honest, transparent conversation will likely reveal a situation where your partner is saying that which needs to be said in order to maintain the patron’s interest. Only you and your partner know the rules in your relationship – as long as those boundaries aren’t transgressed, then you’ll simply have to adjust to this particular detail in your partner’s career.
2. If you find your partner saying bizarre stuff to certain people, ROLL WITH IT. At a moment’s notice you have to be ready to fall in along side in the little make believe bubble that can unexpectedly alight on us. If entertainers go to the grocery store, laundrymat, gas station, or some other public place, we are likely to bump into people who know us from the club. We have to instantly fall into that roll. If you’re there, you have to follow. Just smile and nod about whatever your partner is saying, no matter how outlandish it seems to you. This is part of dating an entertainer: Maintaining fantasies. If you don’t like it… well… there you have it.
3. Most dancers choose to separate their personal lives from their work lives. There are many important and practical reasons for this, as is illustrated in my blog about stalkers. We do this to protect ourselves and you. Don’t screw it up. I’ve known entertainers who have broken relationships off with people they deeply loved over this. Privacy is sacred. Only certain individuals are allowed behind the velvet rope.
4. If your partner denies you, there is a reason for it. If you learn of your partner saying s/he’s single or recently single (and you’re surprised by it), address it in private. Your partner is probably saying this, so as to seem more available. I personally don’t date, in order to avoid these complications; however, other people are wired differently, and since they want relationships they have to learn to balance all this. Do not freak out if it gets back to you that so-and-so says s/he’s single. It’s part of the illusion.
5. Communication is important in any relationship, but is exponentially more important when you date a professional flirt and/or sex worker. These types of scenarios are not the standard form of coupling by any means. There will be many stressors that other relationships wouldn’t survive; however, if you choose to be with an adult entertainer, you have to accept that the old-school mold won’t fit you. There should be clearly identified boundaries that you both agree to. Honesty and transparency become more important in non-traditional relationships of any kind, so stop worrying in your head and starting talking about your fears/concerns.
6. We deal with lots of ups and downs emotionally from this work. Being understanding, patient, supportive, and accepting goes all LONG way towards healing rifts.
7. People change (and yet they do not). If it gets to the point that you are no longer happy, it is best to make it known. It is also not fair to throw past experiences about “infidelity” in an entertainer’s face if you were willing to tolerate them. Deal with the present, not the past.
8. Don’t snoop. Privacy is sacred. If you have questions, ask them. If you go searching for trouble, you will find it or invent it. If you’re dating a liar, leave him/her. If you’re dating someone who has told you everything, then you’re being obssessive, and the entertainer should leave you.
9. As Prince sang a long time ago: “Trust: it makes you a real lover. Trust!” Until you’re given a (true) reason to doubt, then you’ll do much better by paying attention and giving trust a try.
10. Avoid allowing various details to pile up and upset you. It’s better to address something directly while it’s still manageable, rather than to go to sleep angry. Accepting as truth rumors and gossip from outsiders is a great way to ruin your relationship. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.

Many of the threads on the site where I chat are ridiculous, stupid, infuriating, bitchy, mean, and generally worthless; however, they tend to generate some classic flame wars, so that makes them tolerable. I admit that my own contributions have often taken them in that direction. I’m not innocent in this. However, there is one thread running right now that is particularly interesting to me. The paraphrased title of the thread is, “These porn stars: Where do they all come from?” The original question centers on trying to figure out the source of all the denizens of online porn models. It looks sometimes like almost EVERYONE is a porn star, thanks to the internet and affordable technology for home use.

The original poster has a good point, of course. The internet has made everyone an expert on everything (How do you think I’ve been empowered to make myself the Dr. Phil of gay strippers?). People can simply say whatever they want, and it’s the truth… because they said so. The printed word once carried a great deal more weight than it does now (in my non-cited, unscholarly opinion). Such is the way of the world and the evolution of language/communication: Writing was once a treasure, an arduous skill possessed by only a few illuminated minds, and it went to reason that anything written was therefore precious for one reason or another. By contrast today, every ignorant ass in the galaxy knows how to record his/her stupidity for posterity. Writing simply isn’t the mysterious, permanent voice of the gods anymore. It just isn’t. (Because I said so.)

Although I know most of what everyone writes (myself included), is utter tripe, I still invest in what people have taken the time to commit to a format more permenant than the spoken word. Theorists say words are random and have no real meaning. I disagree, and in a new book called “Alphabet Juice” by Roy Blount, Jr., he explains why the words we use are connected to us at far deeper levels than simple sound associations. I’ve studied languages and writing. I love them. I can’t help finding weight in that which is written. Take this response to the thread’s question, for example:

They come from their worthless little lives with no ambition and dignity. A few hundred dollars to them is just another bag of cocaine.

The problem here is that although his opinion if full of unmitigated hatred, it’s not necessarily full of untruth. Yes, there are definitely people in adult entertainment who are on a downward spiral. And that spiral is fueled by destructive people who encourage destructive behaviors. What is not present in this response is any acknowledgement that there are also adult entertainers who do consciously contribute something valuable to the culture at large.

When I give these examples, it isn’t a plea for understanding and empathy. I intend it more as an example of why that person’s over-generalized response requires discussion. So then, here are some examples of people in the adult entertainment industry who do something good through it, or because of it:

• Many people use adult entertainment to fund an education they otherwise couldn’t get
• Many directors (e.g. Chi Chi LaRue) specifically address the importance of safe-sex in an attempt to keep vigilance about STD’s in the front of viewers’ minds: “Safe sex is hot sex!”
• Several of the adult entertainers I know are involved with charities, which benefit from the presence or endorsement of the celebrity in question
• Pornography is a form of safe sex in and of itself
• Pornography is a tool for teaching people about sex (for better or worse), and keeps issues concerning identity, gender, and sexuality at the fore. The very “clichés” people make fun of in porn are there because there’s a demand for them. What does that say about you as a consumer?
• Adult entertainers, whether they intend it or not, force the culture to discuss issues of sexual politics, and in their own way (intended or not) are part of the dialogue that is the struggle for LGBT equality.

And what about the more practial fact that most adult entertainers have enough work ethic to support themselves and their families through multiple jobs, rather than take unemployment or other forms of government aid? Scotty dreams of buying his finacé-to-be a nice ring, and to provide her with a home and comfort. My dancer friends with children bemoan the slow nights at the club, because (and I directly quote a beautiful man I know at Swinging Richards named Star) “I could’ve stayed at home and held my baby.” What about the fact that adult entertainers who claim their tips and pay their taxes have contributed money that is just as green as any doctor’s, lawyer’s, teacher’s, or engineer’s?

I do not intend to refute the stereotype that porn stars and strippers are drug addicted whores who are not only oblivious to their own wasted lives, but who also undermine civilization by bringing others down with them (Isn’t that what the religious Right says about homosexuals? ALL homosexuals? Even the judgemental, bitchy cunts who make hateful comments about people in their own community in an effort to ally themselves with the very Puritanical culture that rejects them?). I have no need to debate this assumption: The content of this blog, and the clarity with which I speak (even if I were the only sober adult entertainer on the planet, which I’m not) proves that, at the least, there exist exceptions to the “rule.” (Because I said so.)

I was asked recently by another dancer for advice on putting music together for a performance. This depends, of course, on a wide variety of factors, so the best I can do is offer suggestions for combining music. I can’t really make specific recommendations, because everyone’s taste is so vastly different. For example, I absolutely worship at the altar of Janet Jackson, but my dancer friend Rocco up north is non-plussed by her and instead worships at the altar of Madonna. I love Madge, but my personal diva is Janet. So, there you have it. Taste is taste.

With that in mind, I would make the following suggestions when you’re in a situation where you can bring your own mix of songs:

1. Variety – this applies to genre, artists, tempo, mood, and texture. If you want several songs from a similar vein, break them up.
2. Brevity – avoid songs that play longer than 3-4 minutes. Attention spans are abbreviated in clubs. Unless the particular song is a banger that almost everyone loves (and will tolerate for 4-5 minutes), use shorter mixes.
3. Familiarity/Obscurity – gravitate towards music that is familiar, but throw in some surprises.
4. Sensuality – I personally don’t prefer pornographic clichés like “Me So Horny.” It’s actually embarrassing when some asshole DJ plays “I Wanna Fuck You in the Ass.” I mean really. Go for sexy, not trashy. You can get freaky without being a total freak (unless you’re performing for an audience that specifically fetishizes something in particular, then go balls-to-the-walls).
5. Interaction – select compositions that move you to involve the audience. Perhaps a sexy ballad gives you a reprieve, so you can stop gyrating around by yourself? Take a rest and give a volunteer from the audience a smoldering, blindfolded chair dance. Get creative though – that was the first example I came up with, because everyone does it. Think of new ways to flirt and make contact (where legal).</li> 

An example set that lasts about 30 minutes might look like this:

1. “These Words” Natasha Beddingfield (a fun, flirtatious opening)
2. “Erotica” or “Justify My Love” Madonna (absolutely smoldering)
3. Lords of Acid (high octane, humorously smutty, and lots of fun – take your pick on titles)
4. “Rope Burn” Janet Jackson or “Insatiable” Prince (for a slow jam interaction at the mid point), “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac could be a more romantic alternative maybe?
5. “The Way I Live” Baby Boy the Prince or “Lean Like a Cholo” Down aka Kilo (a midtempo grinder with some swagger)
6. “Whatever You Like” TI or some other anthem that EVERYONE knows at least some of the words to and enjoys chanting along with
7. Missy Elliot (thick, sexy grooves that allow for interesting rhythms as you depart – take your pick on titles)

This blog concerns a controversial and personal issue: To have cosmetic surgeries and other appearance altering processes. Scotty, my best friend whom I blogged about recently, suggested I discuss this (and he gave me his permission to use his example).

Some people will argue that altering your appearance betrays a sense of self-loathing or a feeling of inadequacy. However, I find that to be hypocritical. Have you ever styled and/or colored your hair? Do you wear contact lenses? Bleach your teeth? How much jewelry do you wear? Do you paint or manicure your fingernails? Do you work out or practice tanning? Do you ever wear makeup, or purchase clothing that in someway hides/accents traits about your body? Do you have piercings or tattoos? All of these choices modify your appearance. Why surgery is more taboo than the others is quite beyond me.

I think what is most important is that you be comfortable in your own skin. Scotty was scared I would judge him poorly for electing to get pec implants. But that is not the case. I will explain why.

Normally I would frown upon steroids, implants, and unnecessary cosmetic surgeries. Then I realized something: Who gets to decide what is “necessary?” Scotty, when he was very young and still growing quickly, was in a very bad accident. The doctors had to reconstruct his ribcage. They took too much cartilage, and this has affected the shape of one of his chest muscles ever since. The rib underneath that pectoral juts forward now, causing one pec to look considerably larger than the other. The asymmetry is a source of constant insecurity for Scotty. No amount of working out will correct this visual effect. He has found a doctor who can perform an implant.

If Scotty can pay $5,000 for peace of mind on this issue, why should he not? Isn’t his confidence and self-esteem worth that much? That money spent on that implant would change his entire life. I hope he does get this cosmetic surgery – not because I think he needs it, but because I know how much happier he will be when this is put to rest.

As for other examples: If Michael Jackson and his siblings hadn’t become famous at a time when blacks and afrocentric forms of beauty were completely marginalized they may not have felt the need to have had the surgeries they’ve undergone (but at the same time, if the Jacksons hadn’t helped break down racial barriers those prejudices might still be just as strong to this day. Michael Jackson is almost like a sacrificial victim: He gave up his blackness so that other black artists wouldn’t have to??). People mock those who have cosmetic surgery, but I think it’s a wonder of modern science. Anything can be abused, that doesn’t make it evil unto itself.

Would I have these surgeries? Right now, no. I don’t think I need them. Of course there are details I’d improve or change if I could do so easily; however, none of my facial incongruities cause me enough turmoil to go that route. My demon, as I’ve said before, is stature/weight, and that is something I can address on my own through fitness.

Do what makes you comfortable and happy. But, for something as permenant as surgery, get lots of information from a variety of sources first. Be sure that your doctor has completed thousands of successful procedures, and be sure that s/he is licensed and practices the latest techniques. You want your surgery to blend away your insecurities – not create new ones.

I’ve given thousands of lap dances, spreading joy and wonder throughout the world. HA! At any rate, there’s no way I can remember every dance I’ve done, but there are dances that stand out in my memory as amongst those I’ve enjoyed. It’s completely and utterly inaccurate to think that only unattractive men pay for lap dances. One of the perks of this job is that on a fairly regular basis I get paid to rub on hot guys. Let me also say that my enjoying a dance doesn’t necessarily imply that I was sexually aroused or attracted to the person I was dancing for (although that happens quite a bit).

Last night I gave another dance to one of the most charming men-of-a-certain-age I’ve ever met. Dale: He embodies Lap Dance Etiquette. It’s just amazing. If he isn’t a poet, he should be. He is completely enamoured of sensuality (not sex itself, but the whisper of its potential), and he genuinely enjoys every nuance of touch, sight, sound, smell (and dare I say taste?). With him I find myself moving in slow motion, not because he intoxicates me but because his intoxication is beguiling. He falls into a dream-like haze, and his utter joy is registered all over his face and body. I was wearing a spicey fragrance last night, and I honestly worried for a moment that he might pass out when I enveloped my arms tightly around his head and neck. I feed off the energy of others, and his transparent ecstacy isn’t simply flattering, it’s also infectious.

There are many, many occasions when I give a dance to someone who is so attractive that I almost feel obliged to tip them. Something else that is common is for me to get an erection while giving a dance. What is not as common is for a dance to turn me on so much that I forget I’m working and fall into the fantasy that they have created for me (quite a nice change of pace). That has happened three times, but I’m only going to tell you about two of them…

James came in for a birthday dance, but I have to say I didn’t do very much. He picked me up off the chair, holding me such that we were face to face with my arms and legs wrapped around his neck and torso. He pressed my back against the wall and proceded to show me a thing or three. LOL I mean… WOW. He. Werk’d. Me. Out. For about four songs. That dance fueled some fantasies for almost six months, so when I bumped into him randomly at a park nine months after his birthday I made it clear that I wanted a naked repeat. Whew!

One dance I did recently involved an acquaintance from a site where I chat with athletic gay guys. He lives in Atlanta and is easily one of the sexiest men I’ve ever seen (click to, ahem… enlarge). He said he was going to come see me at Swinging Richards on Thanksgiving. Not only did he actually show up, he had a beautiful friend with him, and they wanted a dance… OMGOMGOMG… LOL I want to say that this ended up being the hottest dance I’ve done so far. So erotic, in fact, that everyone in VIP stopped and watched. Nothing like a Devon sandwich to fill you up. No, we never had sex, but my knees still buckle at the memory.