Last week there was a bit of a crisis with one of my friends and his girlfriend. She’d found some text messages on his phone that were (to an uninformed eye) extrememly shady and hurtful at best. I had to explain to her why she should not be upset about this particular set of messages from another woman. I was surprised that after nearly a year there were so many details she wasn’t aware of. My friend should have explained better what his interactions are, but also his girlfriend should have been asking more questions.

Here are some details that the lovers of entertainers need to know:

1. For the most part your partner is probably not cheating on you. If your partner has not explained it to you thoroughly, you have to understand that we sell fantasies. Our patrons know this. It’s what they want. Unfortunately, sometimes they get wrapped up in their own ideas. If you come across incriminating messages, talk to your partner. An honest, transparent conversation will likely reveal a situation where your partner is saying that which needs to be said in order to maintain the patron’s interest. Only you and your partner know the rules in your relationship – as long as those boundaries aren’t transgressed, then you’ll simply have to adjust to this particular detail in your partner’s career.
2. If you find your partner saying bizarre stuff to certain people, ROLL WITH IT. At a moment’s notice you have to be ready to fall in along side in the little make believe bubble that can unexpectedly alight on us. If entertainers go to the grocery store, laundrymat, gas station, or some other public place, we are likely to bump into people who know us from the club. We have to instantly fall into that roll. If you’re there, you have to follow. Just smile and nod about whatever your partner is saying, no matter how outlandish it seems to you. This is part of dating an entertainer: Maintaining fantasies. If you don’t like it… well… there you have it.
3. Most dancers choose to separate their personal lives from their work lives. There are many important and practical reasons for this, as is illustrated in my blog about stalkers. We do this to protect ourselves and you. Don’t screw it up. I’ve known entertainers who have broken relationships off with people they deeply loved over this. Privacy is sacred. Only certain individuals are allowed behind the velvet rope.
4. If your partner denies you, there is a reason for it. If you learn of your partner saying s/he’s single or recently single (and you’re surprised by it), address it in private. Your partner is probably saying this, so as to seem more available. I personally don’t date, in order to avoid these complications; however, other people are wired differently, and since they want relationships they have to learn to balance all this. Do not freak out if it gets back to you that so-and-so says s/he’s single. It’s part of the illusion.
5. Communication is important in any relationship, but is exponentially more important when you date a professional flirt and/or sex worker. These types of scenarios are not the standard form of coupling by any means. There will be many stressors that other relationships wouldn’t survive; however, if you choose to be with an adult entertainer, you have to accept that the old-school mold won’t fit you. There should be clearly identified boundaries that you both agree to. Honesty and transparency become more important in non-traditional relationships of any kind, so stop worrying in your head and starting talking about your fears/concerns.
6. We deal with lots of ups and downs emotionally from this work. Being understanding, patient, supportive, and accepting goes all LONG way towards healing rifts.
7. People change (and yet they do not). If it gets to the point that you are no longer happy, it is best to make it known. It is also not fair to throw past experiences about “infidelity” in an entertainer’s face if you were willing to tolerate them. Deal with the present, not the past.
8. Don’t snoop. Privacy is sacred. If you have questions, ask them. If you go searching for trouble, you will find it or invent it. If you’re dating a liar, leave him/her. If you’re dating someone who has told you everything, then you’re being obssessive, and the entertainer should leave you.
9. As Prince sang a long time ago: “Trust: it makes you a real lover. Trust!” Until you’re given a (true) reason to doubt, then you’ll do much better by paying attention and giving trust a try.
10. Avoid allowing various details to pile up and upset you. It’s better to address something directly while it’s still manageable, rather than to go to sleep angry. Accepting as truth rumors and gossip from outsiders is a great way to ruin your relationship. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.

Many of the threads on the site where I chat are ridiculous, stupid, infuriating, bitchy, mean, and generally worthless; however, they tend to generate some classic flame wars, so that makes them tolerable. I admit that my own contributions have often taken them in that direction. I’m not innocent in this. However, there is one thread running right now that is particularly interesting to me. The paraphrased title of the thread is, “These porn stars: Where do they all come from?” The original question centers on trying to figure out the source of all the denizens of online porn models. It looks sometimes like almost EVERYONE is a porn star, thanks to the internet and affordable technology for home use.

The original poster has a good point, of course. The internet has made everyone an expert on everything (How do you think I’ve been empowered to make myself the Dr. Phil of gay strippers?). People can simply say whatever they want, and it’s the truth… because they said so. The printed word once carried a great deal more weight than it does now (in my non-cited, unscholarly opinion). Such is the way of the world and the evolution of language/communication: Writing was once a treasure, an arduous skill possessed by only a few illuminated minds, and it went to reason that anything written was therefore precious for one reason or another. By contrast today, every ignorant ass in the galaxy knows how to record his/her stupidity for posterity. Writing simply isn’t the mysterious, permanent voice of the gods anymore. It just isn’t. (Because I said so.)

Although I know most of what everyone writes (myself included), is utter tripe, I still invest in what people have taken the time to commit to a format more permenant than the spoken word. Theorists say words are random and have no real meaning. I disagree, and in a new book called “Alphabet Juice” by Roy Blount, Jr., he explains why the words we use are connected to us at far deeper levels than simple sound associations. I’ve studied languages and writing. I love them. I can’t help finding weight in that which is written. Take this response to the thread’s question, for example:

They come from their worthless little lives with no ambition and dignity. A few hundred dollars to them is just another bag of cocaine.

The problem here is that although his opinion if full of unmitigated hatred, it’s not necessarily full of untruth. Yes, there are definitely people in adult entertainment who are on a downward spiral. And that spiral is fueled by destructive people who encourage destructive behaviors. What is not present in this response is any acknowledgement that there are also adult entertainers who do consciously contribute something valuable to the culture at large.

When I give these examples, it isn’t a plea for understanding and empathy. I intend it more as an example of why that person’s over-generalized response requires discussion. So then, here are some examples of people in the adult entertainment industry who do something good through it, or because of it:

• Many people use adult entertainment to fund an education they otherwise couldn’t get
• Many directors (e.g. Chi Chi LaRue) specifically address the importance of safe-sex in an attempt to keep vigilance about STD’s in the front of viewers’ minds: “Safe sex is hot sex!”
• Several of the adult entertainers I know are involved with charities, which benefit from the presence or endorsement of the celebrity in question
• Pornography is a form of safe sex in and of itself
• Pornography is a tool for teaching people about sex (for better or worse), and keeps issues concerning identity, gender, and sexuality at the fore. The very “clichés” people make fun of in porn are there because there’s a demand for them. What does that say about you as a consumer?
• Adult entertainers, whether they intend it or not, force the culture to discuss issues of sexual politics, and in their own way (intended or not) are part of the dialogue that is the struggle for LGBT equality.

And what about the more practial fact that most adult entertainers have enough work ethic to support themselves and their families through multiple jobs, rather than take unemployment or other forms of government aid? Scotty dreams of buying his finacé-to-be a nice ring, and to provide her with a home and comfort. My dancer friends with children bemoan the slow nights at the club, because (and I directly quote a beautiful man I know at Swinging Richards named Star) “I could’ve stayed at home and held my baby.” What about the fact that adult entertainers who claim their tips and pay their taxes have contributed money that is just as green as any doctor’s, lawyer’s, teacher’s, or engineer’s?

I do not intend to refute the stereotype that porn stars and strippers are drug addicted whores who are not only oblivious to their own wasted lives, but who also undermine civilization by bringing others down with them (Isn’t that what the religious Right says about homosexuals? ALL homosexuals? Even the judgemental, bitchy cunts who make hateful comments about people in their own community in an effort to ally themselves with the very Puritanical culture that rejects them?). I have no need to debate this assumption: The content of this blog, and the clarity with which I speak (even if I were the only sober adult entertainer on the planet, which I’m not) proves that, at the least, there exist exceptions to the “rule.” (Because I said so.)

My Gramma and I were yesterday discussing the salient distinctions between exotic dancers and strippers. One of the points of differentitation for me is desparation, as I stated in one of my first blog posts on this site. If there is desparation, standards get lowered (if they weren’t very high to begin with).

This conversation started after she told me about an incident in the paper about 40 years ago wherein a man and female prostitute were arrested on the street after arguing over her price. Evidently she wanted $200 (in 1970′s dollars), and he thought it too much. Gramma said she was discussing it over lunch one day later that week with her lady friends, and that she’d scandalized them all by saying, “Try as I might, I couldn’t imagine anything I could do that would be worth $200!” I thought it was funny, especially when she followed it up with, “But in all fairness to the lady, I didn’t see the gentleman in question.”

To illustrate my point about desparation, I told Gramma about the following conversation I had with Angel about a year ago. Before I begin, I should point out that Angel always came in with a particular goal in mind. “Well, I gotta make $287 tonight – speeding ticket.” Or another example: “Man, I gotta pull $416 tonight. They put tires on my truck and I said I’d pay ‘em tomorrow.” So… here we go:

“So, what’s your goal tonight, Angel?”
“$312.”
“Why that specific amount? Why not $300 or $325 or $363?”
“Gotta pay my electric bill.”
“Your electric bill?! How the hell do you have a $312 electric bill on a trailer?”
“I have alot of lamps.”
“That’s a LOT of lamps. Why don’t you get some energy efficient bulbs?”
“No, I have to have a particular type of lamp.”
“Do you have vision problems of some kind?”
“No, I was growing pot.”
“Oh… Well… That must have been a helluva lot of pot. Or are you just not very good at growing it?”
“Hell no, man! I grow pot better than anyone I know.”
“Then you must have been growing alof of it.”
“Yeah.”
“I presume you’re going to sell it.”
“Yeah.”
“So then what’s the problem? Why don’t you just sell the pot and pay your electric bill?”
“I smoked all of it.”

Of course that’s not really any more ridiculous than the straight dancers at Swinging Richards who get paid to be sexualized by gay men, in order to have the money to go to the titty bar down the street and give all their tips to the female dancers (who oftentimes turn right around and come to Swinging Richards to give those same dollars back to the same male dancers who’d just spent the money at the titty bar). Jesus. Just because you can breed doesn’t mean you should.

Okay, I have to admit something: I’ve been a horrible bitch lately. I have a “good” excuse… well, as good as I can come up with: Swinging Richards. It’s one of the only all-nude gay strip clubs in the country, and the guys there are intimidating to say the least. Match that with my personality conflict with the self-loathing gay manager and you get a pretty stressful situation in my head.

The last time I was there the manager called me fat (which is one of my demons), and said all sorts of disparaging comments to me about being gay (even though he has a boyfriend). Yeah. Um. Okay.

Anyway, the pressure there is high, and in order to get ready I’ve started taking these metabolizers to help me shred off the visceral fat the girdles me on my bellybutton and around to my lower back. These pills are making me crazy. I hate them. I feel anxious, watery, jittery, and angry. I get nauseated. It says they don’t have stimulants in them, but I don’t see how that’s possible. Still, I feel obliged to take them, since they cost $150 and I have the incentive of not being called fat again (if they work).

I have a lot of conflicts about Swinging Richards. For a long time most of the dancers have been straight or paysexual, trying to pass for bisexual (but most coming up short, with buysexual). I’ve talked enough about my political objections to gay men giving money to straight guys. If I’m choosing to go back, then I have to swallow all the bitter pills that come with it…

I think what I want this blog to do, more than anything else, is help people in general realize that adult entertainment is a job and career like any other. It has perks and challenges. It has all the same salient features as any other career, but the product/service you are selling is… YOURSELF.

That can be said of any sales person though.

With that said, I want to bring attention to the fact that networking, friendship, support systems, and office drama are all part and parcel with being an exotic dancer, or any other type of adult entertainer. You need allies in this field, just like you would in any other.

I have an ally. He’s my friend. I love him like a brother. I’m so proud of him. He’s been performing now for a year, and he’s grown so much. He’s ambitious, but we keep each other grounded. We can tell each other anything, and I trust him. That’s not easy in any situation, let alone in clubs (which for some reason can attract some truly loathsome people).

At any rate, Scotty is my friend. He’s my Bubba. Wherever possible, be sure to let your friends know that they matter. Without them you are diminished as a person. Be picky. Understand the term “friend” the way the French do: You can have many fond acquaintances (connaissances) and several buddies (copains), but only a very select few friends (amis). Avoid abusing the word friend. When you call a person a friend, let that, in and of itself, be the best compliment you could give him/her.