It’s the holiday season, and that isn’t easy for me. There’s all sorts of family crap that happens (and many of you will be able to relate to that, I’m sure). I am thankful for a great many gifts/talents, people, situations, and opportunities in my life, and I acknowledge that far more often than once per year on a day designated Thanksgiving. With that in mind, what I was most thankful for these last few days was that Thanksgiving happens only once per year. It was an intense time, and although I came through it mostly unscathed and only a tad irritated for the most part, I did feel the need to do some retail therapy.

I went to the bookstore, and without realizing the context of it at the time, I gravitated directly toward the Tao and Zen sections. About 24 hours later I recognized what had happened subconsciously: I thought I was just craving to learn something new, but I was actually responding to a deep need for calm and centering after an excruciating evening with Dad. I am so glad I was on autopilot that day. I found a fantastic little collection of Zen teachings/reminders called “The Zen Book” by Daniel Levin. One of the very first reminders reads as follows:

“You are

perfect exactly

as you are.

With all your flaws and problems,

there’s no need to change anything.

All you need to change is the thought

that you have to change.”

That evening my best friend of my whole life called me. She told me she earned her first chip from AA, which is awesome (except that I had no idea she was drinking to excess, let alone that she needed intervention of that kind). We talked at length, and she has accomplished Step 1: Admitting that alcohol controls her, and that she has a problem with which she cannot cope alone. The next step is to acknowledge that a power greater than herself can help her achieve peace, and so she is flailing between Steps 1 and 2. I advised her that now is not the moment to go back to Christianity (a religion that put her on the road to all her self-destructive excesses in the first place), because she doesn’t need salvation, forgiveness, blame, guilt, shame, or anything else that Christians tend to offer (Christ was a rockin’ dude, but his followers are generally festering pricks). I read the mantra above to her, suggested she look for a belief system outside of the monotheism traditions, and she replied,

“But I definitely DO need to change.”

“No, it’s your behavior that needs to change. You are perfect.” And I thought I was pretty accurate in saying that.

However…

I was absolutely wrong…

My best friend IS perfect exactly as she is. Her not accepting that caused her the angst and pain that lead her toward this latest incarnation of chaos. Her behavior doesn’t need to change. Her life doesn’t need to change. Her body doesn’t need to change. Her mind doesn’t need to change. Her spirit doesn’t need to change. Nothing about her needs to change. And when she knows that she won’t need to drink anymore. It’s not that her actions need to change – those are only symptoms of the underlying problem. She is perfect already, but she can’t enjoy that perfection as long as she is ignoring it.

We are perfect people who have forgotten our divinity.

As we go forward into the season of New Year Resolutions, perhaps the only change we actually need to embrace is the way we allow ourselves to be the gods we were born to be? My self-esteem issues, her drinking, your temper, his weight, their anger, our fear… All of that goes away when we channel this fundamental insight: We are perfect exactly as we are, and all we have to do is accept it. If it were simple this world would already be heaven.

Namaste.

It was a glorious day: The colors were vibrant, but just past their prime, and there were icicles everywhere. There had been a snow storm the night before, so the symbolism was perfect. There was beauty everywhere, though it sometimes seemed a bit browbeaten.

The earth is going to sleep for a spell. And we are on the cusp of rest and temporary death.

The sky was incredible – the colors in the clouds were gorgeous. I trekked up to the top of Mount Mitchell (at +6,800 ft it’s the highest point in North America east of the Mississippi River), and it was really amazing. That night I did the ritual itself on KITTEH’s screened-in sniffing parlor at my apartment. Grampa liked Port, so I used that, rather than a simple wine. KITTEH helped (KITTEH has strong magick). Grampa loved cats – sometimes I think he preferred cats to people (and I can completely relate to that).

But yes, it was a beautiful Samhain, even it it was the first time I had to do a ritual for the dead. It gave me a better sense of closure, and (for my part) I sent Grampa off on his long journey with love, friendship, peace, and joy. Happy Belated New Year!

“Au fur et au mésure que je connais mieux les hommes, je préfère mon chat.” (The more I know men, the better I like my cat.)

“C’eux qui s’amusent aux chats peuvent pas maudire les giffres.”  (People who play with cats should not curse the claws.)

This is the second interview I have done with the Men of Color Blog. In it I explain why I have been so sporadic about writing here on my own blog. I haven’t forgotten to keep a diary… I simply won’t be able to write openly again about what I’m doing until January or February, 2012. But everything is going well (though gremlins in my technology are about to get eviction notification en masse: If you ain’t payin’ rent, you betta getcha ass outta here!!). At any rate, I’m healthy and happy, and I’m still planning to marry myself this coming summer. LOL (I’ve not had cold feet yet.)

I hope your fall into Autumn is cushioned by beautiful leaves and crisps breezes.

Here is the link to the interview, which will also have a permenant entry in the Interviews & Essays tab.

I haven’t been blogging much for a few months. I know that. And there’s  no reason, except that I just haven’t wanted to. Something happened a couple months ago, and I felt that I was tired of sharing. I think it was around the time of the Grabby’s. But, be that as it may, this weekend in Chicago has been very up and down, but it has ended on a very, very positive note. That is what I want to share.

To say that flakes and no-shows are discouraging/infuriating is an understatement; however, I did get to spend time with my friend J.P. Barnaby, I experienced the ENO platter at the Intercontinental Hotel, and I met Meghann. Last night was one of those nights where I felt like nothing I did was to any avail – it just wasn’t going to work out with this appointment, no matter how much I tried to be accommodating. That on top of my entire itinerary falling apart made for some frustration and self-doubt that I had to work against internalizing. I succeeded for the most part, and it’s because of the reminders that flashed up from time to time that everything is temporary. August, 2011 will shortly be in the books, and September will be so much better.

At any rate, when I finally gave up on this client it was nearly midnight. I was STARVING. We were supposed to meet at 11, he moved it to 9, then back to 11, then was an hour late, then at 11:45 said he wasn’t coming at all. I’d gotten ready at 8 pm, so four hours later I was bored, hungry, and irritated… and just about everything was closed. I was wandering around, trying to find some place that still served food, and then I saw it: TGI Friday. Oh, fuck my life… Really?? This is all there is?

Well, I’m glad I went in. TGI Friday likes to sell itself as being always in the festive Friday spirit. And, for me last night, it turned out to be exactly the encounter I needed. Meghann came over, and despite the late hour, was very kind and energetic. When she asked what I wanted to drink, I said, “Girl, it’s been a tough day.”

“Oh! Well… here is the drink list.” LOL Awesome. I selected a red wine, and the Michael Jackson song “I Wanna Be Where You Are” came on. Meghann saw how much I perked up to that. She went over to the juke box and said she had a surprise for me. I managed to find something healthy on the menu, and as I was jammin’ to Lady Gaga, Nirvana, and some other hits she peaked around the corner and said, “These next two are for you.”

OMG!!!

She set me up with “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” and “Smooth Criminal.” No. She. Didn’t. YES SHE DID! LOL That was it. I was done. She came over and we had a nice time singing and laughing to the jamz. I showed her my mad skills, all while eating the broccoli that my superhero powers had transformed into chocolate (transubstantiation is just another of my mutant abilities), and we had a GOOD TIME. Just like Friday is supposed to be. And she did this specifically because she knew I needed it. That is so amazing to me.

So, if you are ever in Chicago, you simply must go to the TGI Friday in Magnificent Mile. Ask for Meghann. She is a beautiful person, and she will put some Friday in your life. Her willingness to play with me completely eradicated all that frustration and self-doubt. September will be better. Today is better. Last night was better. Thank you, Meghann!

Today is my birthday!!! I love my birthday… just love it! I’m sorry I’ve not been blogging, but it’s an organic process, and sometimes there is a great deal to say and other times not. I know how I will be picking up with Part 6 of 13, and I will do that soon. Right now I’m nursing a neck injury, and may need to spend the next few days resting. At any rate, it took 35 years, but I finally turned 24 years old today. In honor of plays on the word twenty-four (and as an excuse to throw Janet Jackson on my blog), here’s the video “Twenty ForePlay:”