Devon Hunter

OH MY GOD!!

I don’t remember how much I’ve talked directly about it, but I used to be an educator for six years. I was a high school teacher and a college professor. I left, not because of students (who can definitely be challenging), but because of administrators and their bullshit politics. I am not the one to berate in front of parents/students/staff, I can tell you that much… I was so miserable within the institution that I ended up on medication. It was a rough time. Bad.

Anyway, from time to time a former student will find me on Facebook, and it is so overwhelmingly gratifying to see how well they’re doing! I remember them as teenagers or undergrads, so when I see these beautiful women completing degrees in law or nursing, or who are going to graduate school, and who tell me that it was ME who helped them get there??? OH MY GOD… you have no idea how much I wish I’d gotten that while I was still teaching… But, better late than never.

I loved my girls. I really did. I was in love with them, and they were constantly breaking my heart. The day I wrote my resignation letter for the high school was when I realized that I’d given all I could, and it would never be enough to fix the hurt and abuse many of them suffered. But today I got friend requests from over ten of my girls… TEN… And they’re all alive. They’re not only alive, they’re surviving. Better yet: They’re thriving! And it almost rips my heart out that they’ve become the incredible women they are. ME! ME! I inspired them to leave the neighborhoods that sought to clutch them and hold them; to break out of systemic abuse; to aspire to successes that no one else dreamed for them. ME!

If I’d had a little more of this nourishment as an educator I can tell you I would have never left it. But no. Our system is set up to blame every short coming on teachers, rather than on parents who don’t raise their children. Rather than on kids who have decided to refuse to learn. On political structures like No Child Left Behind that leave almost every child behind… And now they want to tie teacher pay to student achievement??? You must have lost your damn mind…

But, better late than never… I never regretted being an educator, but now I can look back, and much of the bitterness about those six years has evaporated. And this shines a bright light on a simple fact: People will extend beyond themselves time and again for only so long; however, a little simple recognition is sometimes enough to completely revitalize a drained battery. So, if you are in a position of power; or if you are someone who is guided by someone doing his/her best to help you learn; or if you see someone who is threadbear in his/her soul… THANK HIM/HER FOR THE GOOD WORK BEING DONE! You may have no idea how valuable that actually is.

Hearing from Whitney, Megan, Kelli, Kim, Xenia, Tiesha, Leslie, Melissa, Jessica, Byrd, Robyn, and all my other dance babies is a gift I never expected, and one I wish now I’d gotten sooner. Knowing that they respected me (even if, as teenagers, they didn’t know how to express it), and that they have remembered me gives me something precious, and brings levity to the memory of a very dark time.

ME! It’s because of me…

PS

Don’t forget to place your vote for Best Escort Blog for the 2010 Hookies by visiting my ad on Rentboy! The check boxes are at the bottom of the righthand sidebar.

I get a massage almost weekly without exception. I need them. Between working out, dancing, traveling, and life I have to. I don’t have health insurance, so I have to take care of myself with exercise, diet, and massage. I intend to add a bit more cardio to my life, and I am going to (at some point finally) add yoga back in as well. I really cannot recommed enough that you find a massage therapist with a healing touch.

And how can I not share that with someone who needs it? A friend has been in pain. Finally last night I convinced him to go with me. I got mine done, and then he laid on the table after me. It was so gratifying to see the changes in his body taking place as Ron worked the knots, kinks, locks, blocks, and regrets out of my friend’s back, legs, arms, neck, and feet. I felt like I’d done a double-session, just by watching the second hour. I was surprised at how nice it was just to watch the process that I find so healing.

Today my friend is smiling, breathing, laughing… He always does this, of course; however, today he is doing it with a levity of spirit. And that is really amazing. Both because he feels better, but because I do too. I really enjoyed doing this for him, and I hope I can keep tripping over little ways to give back to the people who feed my spirit.

I have to confess I’m a tad overwhelmed by the volume of private responses I have received concerning “Randy and Matt, or: The cycle of guilt and cowardice.” But more than that, I am particularly moved by the empathy and compassion so many of you have expressed in emails. I want to take a moment to tell all of you that this means very much to me, and I am sopping up your kindness and feeding my soul with it. I got an in-box full of Love Gravy!! Pass me them biscuits, boy!

I also want you to know that I am feeling better. Some of you expressed some concerns, and I definitely didn’t mean to alarm any of you. I don’t want to go into much detail right now, because it gets so complicated and confusing as the situation evolves, but let me say this: Matt and I spoke for 3 1/2 hours last night. A great deal was revealed, and it is yet another example of how my life is sometimes a Sit-Com writer’s wet dream come true… The comedy of errors I’m capable of is pretty staggering at times.

But that’s what happens when I feel compelled to fill in blanks where communication should be doing it for me. I will say more later, but for now I want to address two readers in particular:

(From J.N.)
“…The moment of clarity that comes with ‘I have met the enemy and it is I’ is earth shattering. But, at the same time, it can be an extraordinarily liberating feeling precisely because it DOES allow you an opportunity to break a cycle (or cycles for that matter).

“…while the gallon of arsenic Randy fed you over years is on a completely different order of magnitude to the ounce of arsenic you have given to Matt, it does not change the fact that you are giving him arsenic. Again, this does not negate what Randy did. It does not excuse it. It does not undo it. BUT, I think it does mean that we kid ourselves if we think we cannot and do not warp ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’”

J.N. - You are exactly right. I wonder if, on some level, the magic mirror cracks in the fairy tales because of the wicked queen’s finally seeing herself as she is? And while I am not ready to explain yet what I mean by it, I am completely relieved to find out that Matt did not think I was doing anything that I feared I was. However, (for argument’s sake) let’s say I was, in fact, feeding Matt poison: I do not regret the miscommunication, because I have had the revelation you mentioned. Cycles can be broken. I am glad Matt doesn’t feel poisoned, but I am even gladder that I know to make sure I don’t start.

(from Clint)
“…I was going to talk about how each one of your blogs that I’ve read have affected me, or changed my perspective. But, really, I’m sending this email more as a thanks. Remember that even on your darkest days, when you blog, you have several people that learn something about themselves. And on your good days, you have several people who celebrate with you.”

Clint - In your email (which I have grossly abbreviated here, I’m sorry) you said you believe that if you “Give to the world the best you can, the best will come back to you.” I cannot stress enough that this (although much more eloquent than what I have written) is the foundation of almost everything I want. A reader named J.C. asked me what I want from my interactions with people, and I eventually said “honesty.” But I need to amend this, so that it includes your words as well: I want honesty, but I want to remember (as much as possible) that, even when I don’t like what I learn, if someone gives me honesty, I have to accept it as the best that person can give me, and I have to give it back to him/her in the spirit of appreciation.

Thank you, all of you, for your kindnesses. Some will regard it as weakness or soppy emotional quibble/piddle/drivel; however, never doubt that giving the best you have rewards EVERYONE in the long run. Ripples in the pond, Clint, ripples in the pond!

I suppose it’s about time you guys finally caught up to the New Year Us heathens had ours way back on November 1, so I would like to finally welcome you all to the “new” year. HA!

At any rate, I danced in Nashville, TN at a club called Play on the night of December 31, and I had a great time. It was very nice to be away from the troubles here at home, and to be floating in an ocean of people who were feeling happiness and excitement. I was baptised in their optimism, and it has helped me come into this entry with a lighter heart (though I am still prone to flashes of panic and sadness within a greater context of “pretty good”).

Something I am remembering is that we can be only who we are. And it really is that simple (and yet that complicated). I recognize that I am just as liable to wound as be wounded, and going forward I feel a bit more acceptance for myself. In placing “Randy and Matt” as an entry on my Favorites list I had to reread some that were already there, and “…in the end” has helped me, too. (Wait, you guys thought I wrote all these blogs for others?? Nooooo! I need to go back and see my own thoughts from time to time…)

Here is a little piece of brilliant pop confection by Natasha Bedingfield that I want to put out here right now, because it is exactly what it is. Please remember to speak and feel honestly in this “new” year, even if it makes you vulnerable. Oh, and keep it simple. As the lyrics of this song say: “These words are my own, from my heart flow: ‘I love you.’ There’s no other way to better say, ‘I love you.’” And that is the beauty of honesty - poetry can be a wonderful robe, but often it’s better to be naked.

Not all that long ago I was asked what I wanted in my connections with people. Well, J.C., I have an answer for you, and before I even write this (and I’m not so worried about whether or not I keep it to 500 words today) I sense it will end up in my Favorites list. This is one of those diamonds I sometimes birth after some painful struggle and terrifying introspection.

First, some background information. When I lived in Los Angeles from 1998 - 2002, I lived within a profoundly dysfunctional relationship with a man named Randy. Randy is wonderful in that he is financially generous and politically honest; however, he is one of the single most emotionally selfish, socially inept, intellectually insensitive, and grossly manipulative people I have ever met. His qualities cannot, for me, EVER counterbalance his negative attributes. And I have been tormented by his presence in my life for OVER TEN FUCKING YEARS… He drives me absolutely ape shit…

And last night he called me at 4:00 am to bitch me out.

I left my phone on, because Matt (whose story unfolds in “Honesty: It fucking sucks,” part 1, part 2, and part 3) reappeared 24 hours after I sent him a “good bye” text. He texted to let me know his phone had been dead for two days (which, for a variety of reasons I don’t care to explain here, I know to be a lie), and that he didn’t mean to come across as “shady.” He then immediately disappeared back into the mysterious labyrinth of his restaurant where time and communication skills are forever lost…

At any rate, I left my phone on in case Matt finally decided to call after all. He did not. But, lo and behold, rather than the person I most wanted a call from, I got a call from the person I least wanted a call from. I remember the phone ringing at 4:00 am, and I rolled over and I actually cursed outloud in indignation. I let it go to voicemail. I checked that voicemail a few hours later, unable to sleep.

And the diamond was forged from within me.

Randy WENT OFF on me. “I’m so disappointed in you as a person! You didn’t call for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You never answer when I call. You always let me go to voicemail, and you never call me back. How busy can you fucking be? This is a bunch of bullshit! I’m getting the message that you don’t want to talk to me or something, and I’m not going to call you anymore.”

Here is what I was yelling in response to him: “I don’t care if you’re disappointed, asshole! I didn’t even THINK to call you, and why would I?? Of course I don’t answer: You’re an asshole! And I don’t call back, because I don’t fucking want to! Too busy to talk TO YOU! What’s bullshit is that it’s taken you 10 years to figure all this out. Don’t do me any favors! GOD!” And I deleted his voicemail, feeling triumphant that I was FINALLY, after more than a decade, not going to allow him to guilt me into talking to him. I am finally rid of this person!

GOD!

And then… well… the moment his voicemail blinked out of existence, I realized something:

It is distinctly possible that I am Randy/Matt. Actually, I’m far worse than Randy/Matt. I have been sick with fretting over not hearing from Matt with any consistency for +10 days, but I have been doing this to Randy for +10 years. Why? Because I can’t bear the thought of the confrontation. I am heaped with guilt at the thought of telling Randy to leave me alone, and to keep his manipulative insanity to himself.

And here I am, sitting by with the audacity to cry over Matt? Oh, my fucking GOD! I don’t know that it’s true, but what if it is?? What if the only reason Matt responds to me (at all) is because he feels, from time to time, enough guilt or exasperation to text or call me just to shut me up, or to give me a dose of attention and leave me to my misery for a while? That’s the attitude I’ve taken with Randy for years and years: “Okay, I will talk to Randy for an hour today, since I’ve ignored him for months, and that’s good enough to get me through for a few more months.”

I’m a horrible person. And I’m a hypocrite. I don’t believe that Karma is a punishment: It is a lesson. And just when I was beginning to wallow in self-pity about how horrible Matt is treating me… the phone rings. That message from Randy was a message from the Universe. I have been accusing Matt of being too chicken shit to just tell me that he doesn’t want to talk to me, but I’m a thousand times more guilty of the same exact cowardice.

Now, the question is this: Do I break this cycle of cowardice, call Randy back, and FINALLY say “I got your message, and I prefer that you not contact me anymore?” Or do I break the cycle of guilt, avoiding the horrible argument Randy will try to start, in an attempt to not respond to yet another ploy?

Randy CONSCIOUSLY uses guilt to coerce people to talk to him. That is the only distinction between how he has treated me over the years, and how I have interacted with Matt over the weeks. Was I, in a more subtle manner, trying to guilt Matt into calling me or seeing me???

I don’t know.

But to answer C.J.’s question once and for all: What I want in my connections with people (friends, family, lovers, clients, and otherwise) is for people to keep their expectations of each other’s capacities reasonable; to consider both sides of a situation before deciding who, if anyone, is right/wrong or good/bad; and to allow everyone in a relationship the ability to evolve constantly, and to come/leave peacefully when needed. Whether honesty fucking sucks or not, THAT is what I want to give and get from my connections.