Devon Hunter

It’s the holiday season, and that isn’t easy for me. There’s all sorts of family crap that happens (and many of you will be able to relate to that, I’m sure). I am thankful for a great many gifts/talents, people, situations, and opportunities in my life, and I acknowledge that far more often than once per year on a day designated Thanksgiving. With that in mind, what I was most thankful for these last few days was that Thanksgiving happens only once per year. It was an intense time, and although I came through it mostly unscathed and only a tad irritated for the most part, I did feel the need to do some retail therapy.

I went to the bookstore, and without realizing the context of it at the time, I gravitated directly toward the Tao and Zen sections. About 24 hours later I recognized what had happened subconsciously: I thought I was just craving to learn something new, but I was actually responding to a deep need for calm and centering after an excruciating evening with Dad. I am so glad I was on autopilot that day. I found a fantastic little collection of Zen teachings/reminders called “The Zen Book” by Daniel Levin. One of the very first reminders reads as follows:

“You are

perfect exactly

as you are.

With all your flaws and problems,

there’s no need to change anything.

All you need to change is the thought

that you have to change.”

That evening my best friend of my whole life called me. She told me she earned her first chip from AA, which is awesome (except that I had no idea she was drinking to excess, let alone that she needed intervention of that kind). We talked at length, and she has accomplished Step 1: Admitting that alcohol controls her, and that she has a problem with which she cannot cope alone. The next step is to acknowledge that a power greater than herself can help her achieve peace, and so she is flailing between Steps 1 and 2. I advised her that now is not the moment to go back to Christianity (a religion that put her on the road to all her self-destructive excesses in the first place), because she doesn’t need salvation, forgiveness, blame, guilt, shame, or anything else that Christians tend to offer (Christ was a rockin’ dude, but his followers are generally festering pricks). I read the mantra above to her, suggested she look for a belief system outside of the monotheism traditions, and she replied,

“But I definitely DO need to change.”

“No, it’s your behavior that needs to change. You are perfect.” And I thought I was pretty accurate in saying that.

However…

I was absolutely wrong…

My best friend IS perfect exactly as she is. Her not accepting that caused her the angst and pain that lead her toward this latest incarnation of chaos. Her behavior doesn’t need to change. Her life doesn’t need to change. Her body doesn’t need to change. Her mind doesn’t need to change. Her spirit doesn’t need to change. Nothing about her needs to change. And when she knows that she won’t need to drink anymore. It’s not that her actions need to change – those are only symptoms of the underlying problem. She is perfect already, but she can’t enjoy that perfection as long as she is ignoring it.

We are perfect people who have forgotten our divinity.

As we go forward into the season of New Year Resolutions, perhaps the only change we actually need to embrace is the way we allow ourselves to be the gods we were born to be? My self-esteem issues, her drinking, your temper, his weight, their anger, our fear… All of that goes away when we channel this fundamental insight: We are perfect exactly as we are, and all we have to do is accept it. If it were simple this world would already be heaven.

Namaste.

Quite some time back, I did an interview with former Titan Man, Josh O’Hara. Since that time he and I have become good friends, and I enjoy seeing him every visit to San Francisco. He’s a beautiful man, but I think we as a community should start distinguishing what we mean by that. When I say Josh is beautiful, it is because he is as kind, good, and intelligent as he is handsome. Here is a poem he wrote (some of the imagery of which reminds me of my Valentine haiku from February, 2010). I love it, and I hope you do, too.

“In Winter”
by Josh O’Hara

In winter,
there will be no children passing from my door
to play in the hinterland of the summer stricken fields.

The dandelions will continue-

as they have for centuries,

to slumber on hilltops

while

winds rage through a cold,

and wild Nantucket.

Summer is a fable here.

While calmly,

I contemplate the rising heat from your skin
that swirls into the glacial sky.

I am struck by the beauty that is you

and

I can begin to imagine
what it would be like:

To hold your hand through an Indian Summer.

Bending low. Leaning low.
Though not breaking-

Yet, falling still-

my petals

scatter with the wind

Casting me into the wilderness

Of you.

From The Bonnie Blue's Flickr stream

Hi Devon,

Writing this e-mail feels a little strange, mainly because it’s not what I was expecting to say to you at all.

I had intended to relay the curious tale of how a straight white Scottish girl (me!) found herself perusing the web-page of an intelligent, funny, erudite and thought provoking gay guy from America. But now, having read the sad news of the loss of your beloved grandfather, I think that it should remain a story for another day. For now, I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I know that nothing much can help at the moment. So often people talk about how to cope with this kind of situation. I have found that you don’t so much cope as simply endure. But endurance requires courage, tenacity, strength of character, foresight, insight and an unshakable belief that it will, in the end, be worth it. That life will get better again.

From the very little I know of you through your own writings and through the testimony of others who have written to you and about you, I have no doubt that you have these personal qualities and attributes in abundance, and I suspect many other virtues which I, as yet, know nothing of. And this reassures me that through your own efforts, and with the help and support of your family and friends, you will make it through this difficult time, and, as it would seem you have done during other times in your life, you will find something positive and life affirming within the sadness.

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Love Helen
xXx

PS

I don’t know if you have heard of/read someone named Kahlil Gibran (especially his book The Prophet – not at all religious I promise, just incredibly spiritual and affecting). Anyway, he wrote this, and somehow I thought it spoke directly to your situation. Hope it helps even a little.

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”
- Kahlil Gibran

"Snowheart," by Susan Tuttle of www.ilkasattic.blogspot.com

Hi Helen,

Helen, Helen, HELEN! I don’t know what I did to deserve an email like that, but I am crying. And in a very good way. That couldn’t be any more eloquent, generous, or beautiful. I had fallen from my 7-week spiritual high, what with Grampa’s passing and some of the dysfunction I’d seen within my family last week. I’d sunk into funk these last 10 days. I hadn’t been sleeping or eating (which makes me confrontational), and it was all compounding into depression. I know me, and I can’t let that happen.

This morning, I was laying in bed focusing on how GOOD my life is, how WONDERFUL it is. (I have more to be grateful for than almost anyone I know!) I went through my Wellness Affirmations from this past Thanksgiving, really absorbing them again, trying to haul myself back into being whole by re-examining my Perfect Meditation from a couple weeks ago. I needed to re-achieve “wellness” and “whole,” so that the rest of the meditation would follow. But I kept stopping at the last part: I am happy.

I stumbled on it repeatedly. It felt disrespectful to say or feel it; however, I know that Grampa wouldn’t want me to be unhappy. He would never want that – he would want me to be invigorated by his memory, not miserable in his loss. I walked over to pick up a well-timed delivery of chocolate from a friend in Boston, and as I crunched toward the leasing office I got through saying “I am happy” several times. It was as if the ice veneer snapping under my feet had cracked open specifically to erupt with the fluffy white powder underneath (just for my entertainment!). It was like tiptoeing on crème brûlée, and how can THAT not be fabulous? I don’t understand the minutiae making it true, but saying “I am happy” within explodes “I am happy” without.

I am happy! (*step; crunch; puff of snow; smile…)

And then I get this email… just in the nick of time. Just as that initial excitement was calming back down. Being neutral is balanced, but I was falling down past neutral. I want to post this on my blog, because I want people to see specifically how reaching out and doing something kind (even to strangers!) creates a fracturing effect: Love breaks sadness. It is real. I am so happy you wrote to me, and I didn’t even know you existed until now. What if all introductions could be like this?? What hardness could be broken, so that softness could erupt?

This is amazing: Even before you shared the Gibran quote, that cracking shell imagery was already at work in my head today while walking outside in the snow. There are no coincidences. Thanks again for taking the time to write me something so helpful and inspiring. I also want to thank everyone else who, whether publicly or privately, has sent me encouragement and sympathy. Please know that it matters. It really does, and I am grateful to be the recipient of your good will.

I hope you are well,
Love Devon
xXx

I don’t really know why I’m doing this, or why my first impulse is to come here and write it. I don’t know if it’s symptomatic of living in a Twitter/Facebook world, or if it’s because I think of my blog as a safe space where I can just get everything out of my head. Either way, it’s a mix of shame and shock I’m feeling for doing this here; however, I don’t know where or how else to contend with this.

I am one of the luckiest people on the planet: I knew all four of my grandparents. I didn’t lose my Grampa K until I was 12. I’ve had the other three ever since, and I’m 34. I’ve had them all with me my whole life. And it’s too fucking weird to understand how someone who is such a constant is now not. My Grampa V was a staggering genius. You have know idea. He was one of the top five engineers in the world in his field while he was working. He wrote the program to prevent a nuclear meltdown in GA/SC like the one that happened at Three Mile Island – the script for that program was given to President Carter as a present. He supported his wife and six kids, and he paid for my college education. He was one of the quietest, kindest men I have ever known. And I love him so much that I think my head is going to cave in now that he’s gone.

I was very calm with Mom just now. She’s already under enough pressure, and doesn’t need my crying. But the more I type the more I don’t feel good. I’m going to stop now. I just needed to get that out of my head. I don’t know anything about the way this is going to be arranged, so I don’t know if I will be going to Atlanta this weekend or not.

At any rate, Grampa V is not suffering anymore. Although I will miss him, I know that for the rest of my life I will have a firm memory of him as one of the nicest and most generous people I have ever known. He didn’t believe in any particular afterlife, given that his math and science were all he felt he needed to explain what he needed to know (and he was very satisfied in that, and expressed no fear); however, I know that… oh, shit. I don’t know what I know. I’m just glad he’s not sick anymore.

(If I have set it up properly, this post will not be published until 12/21/2010 at 3:14 am. This is a very important moment for me, and I hope it goes off without a hitch…)

It has been the Winter Solstice for 3 hours and 14 minutes: HAPPY YULE!

It is the first day of winter: The season for rest, introspection, and planning. Tonight will be the longest night of the year, but winter also promises eventual light and warmth; however, today, at this moment, isn’t “just” Yule. Now is also the moment of the full moon. But, even more significant, there is a total lunar eclipse today at this moment, too! This is the first time this has happened since Yule, 1638!

Yule is the season of self examination. The full moon is a symbol of complete empowerment. Eclipses remind us of rebirth. Today holds a cosmic call to put all this together into one meditation: Knowing oneself allows a person to become a powerful newborn.

Yes! Today is the day to formally announce it: I am engaged to be married!

To myself.

I have asked me to marry me, and (after a year to consider it carefully) I have accepted my proposal to myself. I had to get to know myself for a year, because I didn’t want to freak out and reject myself.

Joking aside, this isn’t a cynical ploy to scorn others’ relationships or marriages. I’m not doing this to warden myself off from sex or future relationships with others. I am not doing this to please, anger, gratify, or perplex anyone. I have placed a diamond band on my finger (a solitaire will follow in 2012); I plan to court myself; I will take solemn vows before a spiritual mentor (as well as family and friends) to love, honor, and cherish myself; and I will take myself on a honeymoon.

I do all this for a very practical reason: I have chosen my boyfriends very poorly. I had no ability to be successful in a relationship. I gave until my integrated wellness was bankrupt.

I have been single for over four years, and I am VERY happy. But I also recognize that I will eventually need to relax my guard… And since rituals soothe and calm me, I have decided to recreate my reemergence into a formal process of training myself to value me properly, so I can then value another properly.

By going through this structured ritual of falling in love with myself, testifying before witnesses to honor myself, and beginning a new life as a person empowered to command respect, I am forcing myself to abide by the vows I will make. If, in front of people, I promise to take care of myself, then I must do it, or be a liar. I empower everyone who sees my marriage (live or via YouTube) on June 29, 2012 to rebuke me if I break my vows. Since I have not honored myself on my own, I am putting it outside of myself, so that I have to honor myself as a function of maintaining my word of honor before others.

In 18 months, just after the Summer Solstice, I will marry myself. By that time I will be free of debt. I will have more personal stability than ever before. I will have been single for nearly six years, and will have had the necessary distance from all my past relationships. I will be ready to try again. From beginning on the longest night I will finish on the longest day.

I do not regret taking this time to myself to be single. I luxuriate in being utterly myself on my own terms, without making compromises. I have needed that. This has been an incubation period: When I come back from my honeymoon, I will not immediately hatch as someone’s boyfriend. But I will return open to the idea of trying.

I am not becoming a monk or eunuch. I will begin to include others to a degree that I have avoided since 2006. In marrying me, I will be ready to marry someone else.