Devon Hunter

Dear Matt,

When I wrote this I wanted to make you into heaven-angel/landscape-garden, because of your blue eyes (sky), light hair (sun), fair skin (clouds/marble), and intoxicating sex (flowers/nectar). Do you see how beautiful you are to me?

The structure of the poem is this: I created three haiku. I don’t know if you know what a haiku is, but it is a strictly set form from Japan. The poem must have three lines, the first line having exactly five syllables, the second having exactly seven, and the third exactly five again. That’s hard to do, especially when you also have to say something metaphorical within those parameters!!

Anyway, I used the first haiku to make connections between you and heaven, the second to make you an angel (fitting for Valentine’s Day, since cupid is a winged god), and the third to connect you to flowers and their scents.

Something else to notice: The vowel patterns. Azure/hallowed/hand/dazzling/man/happy all have the same “a” sound in them, and they are all penultimate (next to the last) words on the first and second lines of each haiku. There is also a true rhyme with gates/radiates/opiates, and a false rhyme (same sound, difference spelling of sound) with rays/haze/bouquets. There is another true rhyme on the first word of the third line of each haiku with baring/daring/flaring.

Finally, and this was important, given that the other poem you said was written about you didn’t make sense, the three haiku can be read as one sentence that says exactly what I mean: You are a beautifully intoxicating man.

Heaven’s azure gates
open under hallowed rays,
baring an angel

whose hand radiates
prisms of dazzling haze,
daring me to hope

his man-opiates
will be, like happy bouquets,
flaring into bloom.

Thus:
Heaven’s azure gates open under hallowed rays, baring an angel whose hand radiates prisms of dazzling haze, daring me to hope his man-opiates will be, like happy bouquets, flaring into bloom.

PS

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I want to reach out and ask for your advice, dear reader:

I have a particular problem where I do not separate and/or compartmentalize. A very good friend pointed out to me today that if I “have clouds in one part of my sky it will then rain on everything in my day,” even if there’s no real reason. Put another way: If I’m affected negatively in ”A” then “B-Z” suffer too. What strategies do you have to keep balanced and focused in the various parts of your life when something is upsetting or irritating you?

Please feel free to either put your thoughts on the site by replying, or send me an email if you want your thoughts to be private.

PS

Don’t forget to place your vote for Best Escort Blog for the 2010 Hookies by visiting my ad on Rentboy! The check boxes are at the bottom of the righthand sidebar.

Not all that long ago I was asked what I wanted in my connections with people. Well, J.C., I have an answer for you, and before I even write this (and I’m not so worried about whether or not I keep it to 500 words today) I sense it will end up in my Favorites list. This is one of those diamonds I sometimes birth after some painful struggle and terrifying introspection.

First, some background information. When I lived in Los Angeles from 1998 - 2002, I lived within a profoundly dysfunctional relationship with a man named Randy. Randy is wonderful in that he is financially generous and politically honest; however, he is one of the single most emotionally selfish, socially inept, intellectually insensitive, and grossly manipulative people I have ever met. His qualities cannot, for me, EVER counterbalance his negative attributes. And I have been tormented by his presence in my life for OVER TEN FUCKING YEARS… He drives me absolutely ape shit…

And last night he called me at 4:00 am to bitch me out.

I left my phone on, because Matt (whose story unfolds in “Honesty: It fucking sucks,” part 1, part 2, and part 3) reappeared 24 hours after I sent him a “good bye” text. He texted to let me know his phone had been dead for two days (which, for a variety of reasons I don’t care to explain here, I know to be a lie), and that he didn’t mean to come across as “shady.” He then immediately disappeared back into the mysterious labyrinth of his restaurant where time and communication skills are forever lost…

At any rate, I left my phone on in case Matt finally decided to call after all. He did not. But, lo and behold, rather than the person I most wanted a call from, I got a call from the person I least wanted a call from. I remember the phone ringing at 4:00 am, and I rolled over and I actually cursed outloud in indignation. I let it go to voicemail. I checked that voicemail a few hours later, unable to sleep.

And the diamond was forged from within me.

Randy WENT OFF on me. “I’m so disappointed in you as a person! You didn’t call for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You never answer when I call. You always let me go to voicemail, and you never call me back. How busy can you fucking be? This is a bunch of bullshit! I’m getting the message that you don’t want to talk to me or something, and I’m not going to call you anymore.”

Here is what I was yelling in response to him: “I don’t care if you’re disappointed, asshole! I didn’t even THINK to call you, and why would I?? Of course I don’t answer: You’re an asshole! And I don’t call back, because I don’t fucking want to! Too busy to talk TO YOU! What’s bullshit is that it’s taken you 10 years to figure all this out. Don’t do me any favors! GOD!” And I deleted his voicemail, feeling triumphant that I was FINALLY, after more than a decade, not going to allow him to guilt me into talking to him. I am finally rid of this person!

GOD!

And then… well… the moment his voicemail blinked out of existence, I realized something:

It is distinctly possible that I am Randy/Matt. Actually, I’m far worse than Randy/Matt. I have been sick with fretting over not hearing from Matt with any consistency for +10 days, but I have been doing this to Randy for +10 years. Why? Because I can’t bear the thought of the confrontation. I am heaped with guilt at the thought of telling Randy to leave me alone, and to keep his manipulative insanity to himself.

And here I am, sitting by with the audacity to cry over Matt? Oh, my fucking GOD! I don’t know that it’s true, but what if it is?? What if the only reason Matt responds to me (at all) is because he feels, from time to time, enough guilt or exasperation to text or call me just to shut me up, or to give me a dose of attention and leave me to my misery for a while? That’s the attitude I’ve taken with Randy for years and years: “Okay, I will talk to Randy for an hour today, since I’ve ignored him for months, and that’s good enough to get me through for a few more months.”

I’m a horrible person. And I’m a hypocrite. I don’t believe that Karma is a punishment: It is a lesson. And just when I was beginning to wallow in self-pity about how horrible Matt is treating me… the phone rings. That message from Randy was a message from the Universe. I have been accusing Matt of being too chicken shit to just tell me that he doesn’t want to talk to me, but I’m a thousand times more guilty of the same exact cowardice.

Now, the question is this: Do I break this cycle of cowardice, call Randy back, and FINALLY say “I got your message, and I prefer that you not contact me anymore?” Or do I break the cycle of guilt, avoiding the horrible argument Randy will try to start, in an attempt to not respond to yet another ploy?

Randy CONSCIOUSLY uses guilt to coerce people to talk to him. That is the only distinction between how he has treated me over the years, and how I have interacted with Matt over the weeks. Was I, in a more subtle manner, trying to guilt Matt into calling me or seeing me???

I don’t know.

But to answer C.J.’s question once and for all: What I want in my connections with people (friends, family, lovers, clients, and otherwise) is for people to keep their expectations of each other’s capacities reasonable; to consider both sides of a situation before deciding who, if anyone, is right/wrong or good/bad; and to allow everyone in a relationship the ability to evolve constantly, and to come/leave peacefully when needed. Whether honesty fucking sucks or not, THAT is what I want to give and get from my connections.

Hi Devon,

Thank you,
Love
Bastian

Dear Bastian,

I am sorry to hear that your heart is hurting. It feels like you’ve been struck by a wrecking ball, I’m sure, and I wish I could snap my fingers and make it stop. There really isn’t much anyone can do or say to make that internal collapsing go away: Time alone will rebuild your foundation. I won’t say that I hope you heal soon, because grief is a process with many steps that all have to be experienced in their proper order, but I will say that I hope you heal completely.

And yet there is good to be taken from this. You gave something very special to Oliver. It says something positive about you that you were willing to take that risk, and I hope you won’t repeat my mistake and cling to bitterness. Time cures, but in the meantime you have to remember to live well without Oliver. You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for you. And it doesn’t matter why he has made the series of choices he has made, it matters only that you acknowledge and move on.

Since I have been in your position many times I can completely empathize with what are probably feelings of anger, sadness, betrayal, loss, and confusion. And I know that it can be overwhelming. But I also know that if you are strong enough to give of yourself to others, that you are strong enough to give of yourself to yourself.

Feed your soul with friends and family. Immerse yourself in the hobbies and passtimes that make you happy. Embrace your pain process, and then let that energy go back out to the Universe. There is a whole support system out there waiting for you, so please do not make the mistake I made so many times: Do not isolate yourself out of fear. Take time to yourself when you need it, but remember to come back out of your dark cave and be warmed in the light of the other types of love that the people in your life WANT to share with you.

I wish you peace,

Devon

Hi, Devon. I have enjoyed your blog, because it always raises questions for me. I recall an e-mail from Sean Cody a couple of years ago, responding to my question about leaving his Mormon faith. Sometimes emotions get into conflict with one’s reasoning, and this may make it difficult to continue on course. You seem to have gone beyond that conflict - but I wonder whether there is still some feeling that your life is still not always what you would like it to be - with friends or with clients?

I wish you much personal happiness as you move through the years ahead. I truly believe that LOVE is the answer to your “bewilderment.” Sharing that love outside of yourself will be quite fulfilling in shaping your life in the future.

- J.C.

Dear J.C.,

First, thank you for your email - it is full of a particular wisdom I have not yet learned, although you are generous to imply that I stay the course. Of all my many weaknesses, my emotions (and the way they can be easily manipulated by people who shouldn’t matter) are probably my Achilles Heel. You’ll notice that I emphasized one sentence in particular in your message to me. It is particularly applicable to me: I often find that (despite all logic and experience to the contrary) I am tossed around by my own internal hurricane, like some paper sailboat floating in a gutter and tipping over with the slightest breeze.

In terms of what I want that might be different or more from my connections with people… I have no idea… I had not thought about that specifically, and now I have some introspection to do. I have shared love outside myself in the past, and it has been very destructive to me in many ways. My reaction was to overcompensate and not connect with people at all for a while, and now I am trying to learn how to keep my sailboat standing up with a little more consistency. I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle: Giving love, but only in the appropriate measure, and only to people who will respect the gesture. Conversely, I think it’s also important not to give anger, unless it is in the appropriate measure - and that is the part that I struggle with when I am upset. There is a process involved here, and it (like many of my other moments of insight/incite) will require much upheaval and analysis before I can embrace the knowledge and put it into habit.

I am glad I could raise questions in your mind, and I thank you for raising some in mine.

-Devon