I have to finally broach this topic. I don’t know why I’ve been putting it off, but I finally came across enough stupid “lap dances” on Youtube and saw enough retarded straight dancers giving zombie-like “lap dances” at Swinging Richards, and I have finally had enough. Whether you are a professional or not, the whole point of giving someone a dance is to make them feel sexy, as if they are the only person in the world while you are giving them your attention.

First, the “NO” category:
*Bad floor dance w/gratuitous lesbian action
*Gay guy is too shy
*Raping the willing
*I think I just threw up in my mouth
*Washing machines aren’t sexy
*This time I did throw up in my mouth

Then, the “MAYBE” category:
*Hot hips, but too much furniture
*Variety, please… the spice of life
*Cut the first 30 seconds, and this would be a “YES”
*“Hot” bear action… :-/
*Give him 12 weeks to work out, and it’s a “YES”

Now, the “YES” category:
*Hot black dancer on white chick – look at how aroused and genuinely happy she is at the end! This is a fantastic lap dance – 10/10!
*Ignore the end, the first 45 seconds are good

So, here is a summary:
*Avoid fast, jerky, and/or nervous/partial body contact
*Keep the receiver in a safe, upright position without restraints on his hands
*Employ full range of motion in the hips in various directions (otherwise you get washing machine hips)
*Keep the space around you clear
*Use a variety of touches, rhythms, and facings
*Make eye contact as much as possible
*Focus on slow, deliberate, confident, strong touches (but not so hard as to hurt)

note: Some places do not allow touching or straddling at all. In those instances, maintain the legal distance while still keeping the fundamentals in mind. Even if you can’t touch, you can imagine that you are in contact with the receiver and then channel that energy into the space between you.

I’m gay. The default political setting for that in this country is Democrat. Yes, there are gay Republicans walking through the world, which I am confouded about to be honest, but variety is the spice of life. Yes, I voted for the Obama/Biden ticket; however, it wasn’t as easy as I’d imagined it would be. I had a bit of a hissy fit at the polling booth…

Let me first say that I have never been registered with any particular party: I don’t want to be limited during the primaries. Today I voted a mixed bag of Democrats at the national level, Libertarians at the state level, and as best as I could for local “stuff.” I do not believe I am well-served by voting down a straight party line. So, I wanted to make it clear first and foremost that I am not simply a pre-programmed liberal voter. I’d have voted for Green candidates if there’d been any in my area running. I love the precepts of the Green platform. It’s really perfectly aligned to my personal philosophies. I wish it had more traction as a party.

Okay, this is where the anxious foot stomping comes in: I accidentally walked out without my notes… I couldn’t leave the polling station to go home and get them. The people there didn’t have any lists of any names or anything at all to help me remember my choices! I voted with true confidence at the national and state levels, but I’m really hoping I did okay for the local races. It was then that I had to flip back to the front and face the presidential bubbles.

When I went into this I had the following in mind: If Obama is that far ahead in my state, I will write in the names of the Candidates for the Green Party. If McCain is stomping Obama in my state, I’ll do the same. However, if there’s any possibility that Obama might actually need me to push the balance in North Carolina, then I’ll vote for him (bearing in mind that Obama was my FIFTH choice as a Democrat and that I didn’t rule McCain out completely until he selected The Abominable Snow Woman). Seems like a pretty good strategy.

Until I realized that I was really looking forward to voting Green but had walked out without my notes. Suddenly I was forced to vote Obama, because I drew a blank on the Green candidates’ names!! Nevermind that North Carolina may swing toward him and that I’d decided in that case I’d vote for him anyway… the point is that I’d taken away my own damn choice!!! I stood there for at least 15 or 20 minutes hemming and hawing… The octagenarians kept coming over to make sure I was okay, and one even patted my shoulders affectionately.

So. There it is. After nearly two years I finally placed my vote. I’ve been so ready for this election to hurry up and be over. Now it is. I’m completely underwhelmed.

My entire life there has never been any question whatsoever from anyone I’ve ever met as to my sexuality. Suddenly that has changed.

In February, 2008 I was dancing at WareHouse 250 in Florence, SC and no one would talk to me, make eye contact, or approach me. When I asked then-owner Jeffrey Brown what was happening he said, “They think you’re straight, and they’re scared to touch you.” The DJ then made an announcement to the entire bar that I’m gay. I was flabbergasted. I had never had that happen to me before.

With increasing frequency, however, I am finding that as I gain size from working out, I am asked more and more often whether or not I’m gay. In the last week, in fact, I’ve had multiple people ask me what my girlfriend thought of my being a dancer in gay clubs. Incredible!!

Whereas many gay men are “straight acting,” a practice I loathe for socio-political reasons, and many others would be flattered to be mistaken for heterosexual, I am completely at a loss and very offended. Being gay is one of the central points of my identity. Suddenly who I am is cloudy??? Because I started lifting heavy objects??? REALLY?

Perhaps most people will think this a pointless rant, but I would like to say unequivocally that I am not flattered when someone asks me if I’m gay (or assumes that I’m straight… no bi… no…), I tell them that I am gay, and then they ask “Are you sure you’re gay?”

You must be done lost yo’ mind!

I have been doing bookings more and more at clubs that bring me in as a special performer, and I have been running consistently into the same challenges at all these venues that do not normally have exotic dancers. Here are some suggestions for managers/owners who do not have experience working with male entertainers:

1. Avoid scheduling male dancers the same night as female impersonators. These two very different types of performers do not attract the same kind of crowd, and since queens are consistent headliners more often than strippers it will be a crowd that is not receptive to anything except cabaret. I cannot say this more clearly: Do not put kings and queens on the same stage on the same night.
2. Be sure that there is a place of prominence for the male dancer(s). Putting us on the dance floor kills our ability to make money. We need to either be higher than the rest of the crowd, more brightly lit, or both. Also, patrons should not be allowed to get on the stage/pedestal/podium – it distracts from the dancer.
3. ADVERTISE. ADVERTISE. ADVERTISE. Put notices up in your club weeks in advance. Put the word out several times on your Myspace profile. Make announcements in various print and radio media. ADVERTISE. If we’re not regulars, how else will anyone know we’re coming?
4. Create a private place for private dances. If you do not do this, expect to pay a higher booking fee to make up for the straight out loss of revenue.
5. Provide an emcee who will educate the crowd about tipping. I find it is extremely intimidating for people who aren’t used to it to tip male dancers. Many patrons who have rarely or never seen male dancers are completely terrified of tipping – they must be encouraged via the p.a. system to get up and tip!