The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Category — Career Advice

No Deposit, No Return


WARNING: This is a rant, so if you don’t want to read something angry, just go somewhere else for now.

I’ve been escorting for six years. In all that time I’ve almost never required a deposit. I’ve relied on intuition, and I’ve been alert and vigilant. I have looked for red flags, and I listen to my instinct. In fact, I get stood up way less than most of the other escorts I’ve talked to about this. Some potential clients have complained I make it too difficult to connect with me, because I don’t include my phone number in my ads. I require people to do everything via email. It works MUCH, MUCH better (for me) that way. But tonight is the last straw… I have had ENOUGH of my time being wasted.

Today my best friend’s mother died quickly and unexpectedly after getting suddenly ill last night. Last night I could’ve gone to be with Becky to comfort her. I could’ve been there when Mama Bear slipped away this morning. But I stayed here. I’m here at home. For no reason. Why? Why did I stay here?? Because I had to disrupt my work so much the last couple weeks (because of my Gramma’s illness) that I needed the damn money! That’s why!! We planned this evening length appointment LONG in advance!

To make this even worse, I was in Spain when Becky’s father passed away five months ago. I was… wherever the hell I was, I can’t remember now… when our mutual friend Shane died six weeks after that. Now I’m missing the death of someone I love for the opportunity to entertain someone I’ve never even met. I’m sitting here blogging about something I should have taken care of a long fucking time ago. This is my fault.

I have wanted to be trusting and patient with everyone, but that has repeatedly gotten me into situations exactly like this (most recently in Dallas, several weeks ago in January). I’m trying to be empathetic, flexible, and kind, and THIS is what happens? I would ask for comfort or advice on the escort forum, but I know I’d get other escorts and clients I’ve never met saying crap to me like, “Well, you should have blah blah blah,” like I’m some naïve neonate who’s stupid enough to bottom bareback for $20 in Palm Springs. I FUCKING KNOW I SHOULD HAVE BEEN CHARGING A GODDAMNED DEPOSIT!  The entire point is that I didn’t want people to feel like I don’t trust them!

Well, this is the final straw. I’m here in Charlotte for NO REASON. And I’m pissed. I should have been in Greenville last night. I should have cancelled this appointment. But it was made months ago, we spoke repeatedly during that time, the client texted me 90 minutes prior to starting to reconfirm AGAIN, and there were ZERO red flags. If I’d cancelled for this crisis, I could have simply returned the deposit. But HE has stood me up, and now I have no recourse.

Starting now, first time and new clients have to send me a 20% deposit before I will confirm their appointments. I’ve already updated my ads. People I have gotten to know will be exempt.

NOTE: Don’t even fucking think about posting anything resembling “I told you so” in the comments on this thread. I will delete it if you do. Fair warning.

February 23, 2015   2 Comments

My detailed regimen

Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 12.39.50 AMSo, if you have a body type similar to mine and want results similar to mine, here are some general guidelines for exercise, nutrition, and rest that might help you achieve that end. The link is always visible, though in fine print, at the bottom of every page on this blog (see the link entitled “Fitness & Diet“). From time to time I update this fitness info, in case it is helpful to anyone. Please note that I am still eating on an Intermittent Fasting schedule. As I have said repeatedly, diet is 75% of success in fitness, and you need to eat clean and in proper amounts. You can find out your daily caloric needs with this calorie calculator. As a rule, since I need 2500 calories to maintain my weight, I consume 2000 calories on rest/HIIT days, and 3000 calories on Strength days. This ends up averaging out to 2500 calories per day, but it lets me play some advanced games with metabolism and fat storage/usage.

In June 2014 I found that I was burnt out from free weights. At that time I was bored of it, and I felt like I was developing tendonitis from the constantly increasing weights (you have to always go one step further when you are trying to build mass – that can mean adding weight/resistance, slowing down, adding reps/sets, perfecting some nuance of technique, resting for shorter amounts of time between sets, etc… but whichever of those nuances adjust, you have to go further than you did in the previous workout). I bought Convict Conditioning, a regimen for calisthenics (body weight exercises), after being dazzled by the guys at BarStarzz, and I have been doing it religiously for six months now. I definitely feel reconnected to my body, and I have enjoyed doing what I refer to as “living movement” as opposed to the “dead movement” of lifting heavy objects and putting them back down; however, I have been doing this on my own, and perhaps without guidance I have done something wrong. Whatever the case, I have not gotten the results I wanted. I removed High Intensity Interval Training from my regimen, and eliminated nearly all of the free weights (barbells and dumbbells) in order to give nearly all my exercise energy over to Convict Conditioning. Perhaps I wasn’t doing something properly, but although I have definitely progressed through many of the levels of Convict Conditioning and gotten stronger and more stable/flexible, I have lost mass and definition. Yet I do enjoy the calisthenics, and I do feel they are tremendously beneficial for integrated, functional movement training; range of motion; and connection to the body itself.

I do not want to abandon the calisthenics, because it is far too valuable. I did, however, find a format that I am going to revise that allows me to have it all! With this structure, I will be able to keep the calisthenics of the Convict Conditioning system of progressions that I have enjoyed so much; I will be able to add free weights back into the mix; and I will also have space in my week for HIIT again. It is important to remember that you should NOT do strength training and HIIT on the same day (your body cannot recover adequately from the combined effort, and you risk injuries or catabolism [the process of breaking muscle down for energy]). While doing Convict Conditioning exclusively, I wanted to do a 5- or 6-day body split, so I couldn’t do HIIT at all. Now, I think I have found a way to include all this yummy variety!

Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 12.18.39 AMI have devised a rotating monthly cycle that inverts focus back and forth between mass/strength gains and cardio-vascular/endurance gain. It is important to create change in your regimen, so as to avoid burnout, repetitive use injuries, and stagnation. Both schedules include two days of rest per week. I have selected Thursday and Sunday, because those are the days I tend to travel to and from the places I visit when I am seeing clients. Schedule A focuses on strength, so three of the five days are given to that and only two to HIIT. Schedule B is the inverse: It has three days per week for cardio, and the other two are for strength. During Schedule A you should allow 45 minutes to do the strength workouts, and 30-40 minutes during Schedule B.  During Schedule A you will need about 45 minutes for HIIT, but during Schedule B you may need as much as an hour.
Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 12.18.50 AM

The format I took from Body Building calls for two warm-up sets for each body part that is going to be trained. I have decided to give those two warm-up sets over to calisthenics, instead of using very light weights. In the charts provided, you will see “Step X” repeatedly. The Convict Conditioning system provides 10 steps for progressing through Push Ups (chest), Pull Ups (upper back), Squats (legs), Bridges (lower back), Handstand Push Ups (shoulders), and Leg Raises (core). These make up “The Big Six.” Each step uses the body to make the progressions more and more difficult. Warming up with and progressing through these calisthenics steps will allow me to remain connected to a form of exercise I enjoy and value very much, while also preparing my body to move weights more safely and efficiently. I cannot suggest strongly enough that you include calisthenics in some form in your regimen (dance, yoga, martial arts, Convict Conditioning, etc.).

The free weight exercises in this regimen are performed as “drop sets.” Drop sets are what you get when you combine pyramid structures (gradually adding more reps/weight with each set) and reverse pyramid structures (gradually subtracting reps/weight with each set). So then, as the weight gets lighter, the number of reps goes up. You will do four drop sets for each exercise. In this way, for example, if you choose to do dumbbell chest presses you will do four sets with about 30-60 seconds of rest between each set (you will use that time to adjust the weight and get situated to start again): Set 1, 70% of max weight, 6-8 reps; Set 2, 60% max weight, 9-10 reps; Set 3, 50% max weight, 11-12 reps; and Set 4, 40% max weight, 13-15 reps. Don’t let this fool you… By the time you get to Set 4 for the exercise you should be STRUGGLING (but maintaing proper form/technique) to get to the end. Some regimens call for reverse/negative reps (focusing on spending more time on the part of the rep that lengthens the muscles in question, or returns toward the “beginning” of the range of motion), and others call for slower tempos (e.g. 2 seconds up, 2 seconds hold at peak of exertion, 2 seconds down = 6 seconds/rep = 2/2/2 tempo). You can definitely add in that type of stylized training to increase the challenge or to include variety in your progression. I suggest starting with a 2/0/2 tempo (4 seconds/rep), performing the concentric/shortening/flexion for two seconds, and the essentric/lengthening/extension for two seconds as well. Keep the motion smooth, controlled, and constant. Rest about 30-60 seconds between each set in the drop set. You can rest up to two minutes while changing to the next exercise, which is itself going to be performed as a drop set.

Selecting exercises can be confusing, but it is also fun. This is where you get to tailor your efforts to meet your goals. If you decide to follow along with Convict Conditioning, then your calisthenics progressions will automatically include complex/compound movements (exercises that involve multiple muscle groups simultaneously… e.g. pushups work the entire body at once, but especially the chest, triceps, and core), which is vital in terms of maintaining functionality and integrated movement. Try to be sure you include these compound movements, whatever regimen you decide to follow. In these charts I have selected, as much as possible, free weight exercises that are also compound movements. You will see “or variant” frequently, because there are so many different exercises to choose from, and you should remember to keep adding variety. For instance, “Shoulders (Press, or variant)” means that you should select an exercise that moves in the range of motion as a shoulder press; however, you might choose one that is more or less advanced to suit your needs. But if you are going to follow my regimen, do be mindful that I have chosen range of motion carefully. If you are already doing push ups for your warm-up for chest, note that chest flies (or variant) are included so that not all the chest exercises press in the same direction (which is what happens when you compare push-ups to dumbbell presses – that is the same direction and range of motion). Do keep the “(or variant)” in mind, so that you do not overemphasis one range/direction of movement and neglect others.

The charts call for you to know your “Maximum Weight,” so that you can calculate percentages of that. I suggest that as you are going to flip-flop from HIIT back to Strength that you check in with yourself once every couple months to reassess your ability. Your max weight is the weight at which you can perform only ONE repetition WITH PROPER FORM. Do NOT hem and haw with a heavier weight and do a grotesque rep with no control and call that your max weight. That is bullshit, and you will get hurt. Your max weight is nothing to be ashamed of, and if you are keeping a journal, it will be a milepost that lets you gague your progress. I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOUR KEEP A PROGRESS JOURNAL. Let’s say that the first time you start the Strength Schedule that your max for dumbbell chest press is a single rep with a pair of #30 weights. You will then know that for dumbbell chest press drop sets, that (for you) Set 1, #22.5/#20, 6-8 reps; Set 2 #17.5/#15, 9-10 reps; Set 3, #15, 11-12 reps; and Set 4, #12.5/#10, 13-15 reps. Not all places offer dumbbells in 2.5-pound increments, so you will have to figure out when to smudge up or down in your drop sets; however, it is better to smudge down and keep perfect form, rather than smudge up and train like a stupid ass. Getting hurt will cause you to have to take time off to heal, and during that “lamecation” you will lose your gains.

Journals are so important that I must insist again that you keep one. Devise a format that works for you, and keep it. Notate when you work out, how you feel going in, during, and after. Be specific about what you do, how many sets, how many reps, and with what resistances. Did you eat enough or too much beforehand? Was your sleep good or shit? Was work pleasant or crap? Did anything inspire you or piss you off before you started? Make a note on whether or not you feel you kept good form, tempo, and breathing during that particular session. If not, what was bothering you? The more specific you can be, the more you will be able to look back across time to learn which habits/situations propel or hinder you, and you will be able to see very specifically how you are progressing. On days when you aren’t inspired to exercise, looking at your journal can often tip you over into doing it. It is a fact that has been reported and repeated (but ultimately ignored too often) that PEOPLE WHO JOURNAL THEIR EXERCISE SESSIONS ARE FAR MORE LIKELY TO SET, MEET, SURPASS, AND MAINTAIN GOALS. Journaling is so critical to success that it really ought to be considered as important as sleeping adequately.

I hope all this helps you to either get started on, reconnect with, or create your own fitness regimen. If you have specific questions that I have not addressed, please feel free to ask them in the comments section below.  You can download a pdf of the A/B Cycle charts here: TrainingScheduleAB.


December 9, 2014   2 Comments


For quite a long time I have been agonizing about the possibility of returning to video work to show potential clients the muscle mass I’ve finally gained after all these years. I mean I was really stressing myself out about the possibility of it all turning into yet another big shit storm, if I were to be cast. I don’t remember how many times I have written about how unhappy shooting porn makes me, but tonight I finally made a decision: I’m continuing forward without considering it as an option. It’s not, practically speaking, any change at all. I haven’t been in scenes since 2012, and I have been very recalcitrant about even submitting applications. But now, after yet another round of being jerked off by wishy washy people who think they have some kind of power in my life, I have decided that I need to finally close this door. I never enjoyed doing porn, I absolutely loath interacting with the ranting trolls on the porn blogs, I am uncomfortable with the additional scrutiny that would be placed upon my appearance by said trolls, and the pay for video work is total shit. Not to mention how many of the models I can’t stand as people and who I might have had to work with… So why do it? Because I added all this lovely muscle to my frame, and I wanted to get it known quickly and efficiently. Look, you have to use the industry as much as it uses you. Remember that. Always.

I feel a real sense of relief. I suddenly had an opportunity to shoot, but (as always) the porn dicks couldn’t get their shit together enough to actually commit to the date or not. Look, that maybe-kinda-sorta unprofessional horse shit works for the drugged out twinks who still live with their mamas, but I have a life and a schedule. I need to make concrete plans, and the chaos behind the scenes in porn is just foolish. Honestly, I don’t know how any of these companies don’t fold under the weight of their own incompetence.

I have had the sense for some time that I am blacklisted anyway. So it doesn’t matter how much muscle I add. It doesn’t matter how healthy I am. It doesn’t matter how reliable I am. I will always be the “difficult” faggot who wrote “that blog article.” Why is this crap even still coming up four years later??? It doesn’t help that my work at Anteros Media from 2011 – 2012 was a scathing criticism of the industry. And it doesn’t help that I am completely transparent about what I think is wrong with porn, which is everything. So, no love lost, right? They don’t want to work me, and sure as shit haven’t wanted to work with them. My escorting practice is thriving as well as it always has, so I have been looking for a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist.

Okay. Wow. Whew! I feel better. So, I guess what I will need to do going forward is stop updating my Twitter feed (I just deleted the app from my devices), focus on getting some new stills professionally done, and consider adding videos to my RentMen ad. That will have to suffice. I could add some videos to XTube, or something similar. Anything to get my image updated. I’m so sick of my 2009 – 2012 videos defining what people think I look like. So, I will get this rebranding done on my own, more slowly and on a smaller scale. That’s fine: It also means I can do it without the rabid howler monkeys around the globe throwing their festering balls of shit at me via my Twitter account. I created that account to connect with my porn following, but there’s been no new scenes to promote in forever, so why allow that direct line into my personal life? No more crazies!! Go away! GOD!

That last backlash a couple weeks ago about the surprise vagina really was the beginning of the end, in terms of my being willing to interact with large audiences of people. I was being accused of being a proponent of ex-gay conversion therapy. People were saying I was allied with the Texas Republican Caucus. Many of these fucking pricks even accused me of being the cause of bullying and gay suicide. WHATEVER! I had to take stock and consider whether or not everything was working as I’d intended. But then when I had dates to shoot new material and it fell apart, because I’m too much like the type of models this company already casts??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Especially when most of their models look and act like hungry children with cliché tattoos and dirty mops for haircuts? I think not. Bye Felicia. Bye bitch. Put your crack pipe down, and have a donut on your way out. Oh, and if you are here expecting me to approve your hateful comment, you can take your First Amendment rights and shove them up your ass. This is *my* blog, and I want only happy shit here. Understood? Good.

So, anyone looking for career advice about going into porn: Don’t.

That’s my advice.

July 14, 2014   4 Comments

Risk & Reward

(Note: Do not play the bets listed in Spinning the Wheel – they are far, far, far too complex to manage in real life [though they worked beautifully on the iPad app], and the outside bets weigh down your wins [though they also mitigate your losses]. Keep it simple!!)

I used to say that I don’t gamble, because I never win. That isn’t true at all. Without meaning to be arrogant, I have won the genetic lottery: I’m a healthy, attractive, intelligent, white man. The privilege society affords me for all these traits I had nothing to do with is palpable. The only parts of the equation I lost out on were being straight, Christian, and wealthy (but in all fairness, those “losses” are mitigated by the fact that I won the lottery that allowed me to be middle class born in a place and time when sexuality and religion matter less, and where there are many opportunities to advance and/or make money on one’s own). So, all in all, it isn’t true that I never win, because (as I just demonstrated) I win quite frequently (and often at a large enough scale that it offsets multiple “losses”).

What is the point I am making? That everything in life is a gamble. My friend Ron is trying to become a professional gambler, and he wants to become proficient at Roulette; however, his losses keep overwhelming his wins for the simple fact that he won’t take big enough risks to counterbalance his losses. He is more afraid of multiple medium sized risks than he is motivated by a few large payouts. And yet he took a risk getting married (he’s gay), he took a risk going into insurance sales (but that paid off, and he was one of the best salesmen in the country for his company), he took a risk getting divorced (he has been out for ~20 years now), he took a risk leaving insurance to do massage (though he is a genius therapist with a naturally healing touch), and he takes a risk every time he books a client (they could, conceivably, ALL cancel and/or flake – my experience in late December 2013 – mid January 2014 proves that out). The same is true for me: I took a risk majoring in dance (but I was still chosen in 1998 AND 1999 to attend UCLA – I was one of 10 selected from a pool of 300 applicants for 1998, but I turned them down; however, in 1999 I decided to try again, I was one out of six chosen from a pool of 500 applicants, and that was based on the previous year’s audition – I am the only person that I know of in the history of the UCLA dance program to get accepted twice for one application); I took a risk being an educator (knowing that I dislike children in general, yet still excelled at it); I took a risk on clubs, porn, and escorting…

And all of it has paid off.

To say I don’t gamble, because I don’t win is preposterous. I win with such alacrity that I have always taken it for granted. How foolish of me. At any rate, I have picked up on Ron’s interest in roulette. I love games. I am not a genius at it, but I enjoy chess and other games of strategy. I also have learned a new appreciation for games of chance. The skill in these games is made from the stuff of your personality. Some people are risk averse, and these conservative people are necessary for balance (but left to their own devices nothing would ever grow or change); however, some people are risk resilient, and these liberal people are necessary for dynamism (but left to their own devices nothing would ever stabilize or establish). Chaos and Order, yes? If you are going to gamble, be honest about the type of personality you have, and then try to mitigate your risks (you can’t ever abolish them… such is the nature of life). The only way to avoid all risk is to avoid all activity (risk = life?).

So, back to Ron. He keeps changing his roulette bet around, chasing after a trend that simply doesn’t exist. There are 38 numbers, and any one of them will come up on each spin. The advantage is always to the house. The edge isn’t. The edge is different from the advantage: You might presume that betting red/black is a 50/50 gamble, and that you and the house both have a 50% advantage. But you would be wrong. The numbers 0 and 00 are green, and they don’t pay out on red/black, even/odd, high/low, etc. This is the edge: Because there are 36 red/black numbers, that portion of the board is a 50/50 gamble; however, when you add in 0/00, suddenly you have only a 47% chance of winning an “even” bet. THAT is the edge the house has built in. Ron hasn’t looked at the edges, only the advantages, and he won’t play with bets large enough to matter when his rare wins offset his common losses. I think I have found a bet that works (for me).

It works after thousands of attempts on my roulette app. It worked when I tried it in person this week. I played at a small scale, but the odds don’t change in roulette. You get back a multiple of whatever you put it, and the odds are always the same. So, here is what I have discovered (again, do not use my bets from Spinning the Wheel):

You should play with 10% of your available bank (e.g. $100). You should place 10 bets in the center of 10 numbers (you can include 0 and/or 00 if you wish, but they don’t pay out more or come up with more or less frequency). Each bet on each number should be the same amount, ergo each bet is 1% of your available bank (e.g. $100 bank = $10 total wagers per spin = $1 per number). This is the math: By placing 10 bets you have a 26% chance of winning. That’s “reliably” one win in four spins, but notice that although the house has a nearly 75% advantage, on the 25% advantage you have, there is a 1% edge in your favor. THAT is what matters: Knowing that you can win with enough consistency for it to be worth the trouble, you can play and rest at increment. Remember that a single bet pays 35-to-1 in roulette (Note: Avoid split, corner, street, and column/dozens bets… yes, they win more frequently, but they pay out less, and therefore you lose your edge). This means that every three losses are offset by a win (e.g. 3 losing bets = -$30; 1 winning bet = +$35; yield = $5). Remember also that you can expect statistically over time to win one time in four bets… This is convenient: Loss, loss, loss, win = small profit. Do not go beyond 10 bets, or you will encounter the law of diminishing returns: 11 bets is a 29% chance (note that the house has a 4% edge on your “one third” chance of winning, but you have a 4% edge on your “one fourth” chance of winning). Eleven bets no longer works: 11 bets = $11 but a win is still only $35. You do NOT have a one-in-three chance of winning, and when you do win your margin will be smaller (e.g. 3 losing bets = -$33; 1 winning bet = +$35; yield = $2). With 12 bets at a 32% chance (you still do NOT have a one-in-three chance, the house retains a 1% edge on your “third”) it’s even worse (e.g losing 3 bets = -$36; 1 win = +$35; yield = -$1). Too few bets gives you a huge margin when you win, but you will have far more losses before a win, and that means a lot of time to get to the same place as 10 bets (e.g. 5 bets takes twice as long to get to the same wins/losses as 10 bets). Beyond that, the rest is multiples.

This is what I have learned: Start with $100 that you can afford to lose. You don’t care if it goes away, but if it were to grow, that would be lovely. Play with $10 per spin, $1 per number (pick 10 numbers you like and stick to them – don’t chase the ball… sit still and let it come to you. I have chosen 5, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 14, 18, 28, and 29). Play this until your bank is $200 (Note: You don’t have to place a bet every time the dealer spins the wheel… Take frequent breaks. Jump in and out, rather than playing every single spin). When your bank reaches $200, play $20 per spin and $2 per number. Continue in this manner. In real life I built up to playing with a $500 bank, $50 per spin, $5 per number. At home on my iPad app, I have worked this pattern all the way up to a $100,000 bank, $10,000 per spin, and $1,000 per number. The odds don’t change, the risks don’t change, the rewards don’t change. All that changes is the scale. If you can keep that in mind (and know when to start and stop playing), then (when luck is on your side) you can win.

And that, altogether, is a very valuable life lesson.

April 26, 2014   4 Comments

2009/2014, Then/Now

This first pic (click to enlarge it) was taken in 2006, only six weeks after leaving my last boyfriend. I was 30 years old, weighed 120 pounds, and had 7-8% body fat. I was starving. I guess you can see that though. From 2002 until 2009 I was stuck at this weight, because of the malnutrition, stress, and unhappiness I was experiencing (often from my own bad and/or naïve choices). I will explain all that in the next few paragraphs. The only good that came from that time is that I somehow survived it without killing anyone (including myself) and without declaring bankruptcy. This pic was for a theatrical production, hence the dramatic hair and makeup.

Five years ago (nearly to the day today), I did my first porn scene. I figured it would be a good idea to take stock and see some then/now pics and to reflect on how much everything has evolved in that time. I will share a few of the pics I submitted in March/April 2009 to get the job to do the scene in mid-April 2009, as well as a couple stills from that first solo project. Then I’ll share some pics I took five minutes ago…

In this first collage from 2009 (click it to enlarge) I was 32 years old, weighed 130 pounds, and had 8% body fat. I was still dancing 40 – 60 hours per week at that point. I was bulking up a tad somehow doing P90X, but my diet, although improved, was still terrible. I didn’t have time to make food (because I was working part time jobs during the week while dancing in Charlotte on week nights, then driving all over the South to dance  in clubs on the weekends), so I often got by on protein shakes. I ended up in the hospital three separate times from 2007 – 2009 for exhaustion and malnutrition. I remember driving all over Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Florida, and DC to perform. I was JAMMING in all the clubs, and in retrospect I don’t know how I had so much explosive, endless energy while running on food and sleep deprivation fueled by intense anxiety. While performing, I was generally having a fabulous time spinning, twirling, falling, and flipping. But I was also still burdened with the fraud debt I had gotten from my last boyfriend. At that point I was living with two female roommates (who were awesome people, by the way), and trying to figure out how not to grind myself into dust from all the dancing, driving, skipped meals, and financial duress. My heart was closed. I was afraid of people and love.

This was during the peak of the Great Recession, and the clubs were faltering. Lots of desperate people who were freshly jobless saturated an already crowded dance scene, and the tipping patrons had been decimated. Those were some pretty bleak times. Not to mention I was still contending with a combination of anorexia and dysmorphic disorder. I really don’t miss that chaotic argument inside my head. From any moment to another I was in danger of gaining or losing weight. It was a labyrinthine, psychotic morass. But my family was still intact at least. Grampa was still alive; Mom, Gramma, and my sister were getting along very well; my uncles were nowhere to be seen; and Dad hadn’t yet had his multiple strokes. I had just come up with the idea that would evolve into Anteros Media (an idea which grew immediately out of my unsatisfactory experience with these first two porn scenes). It was such a creatively dynamic time. From 2010 – 2012 I did about 20 more scenes for other houses before shifting gears to shoot about 80 for my own company (nearly 10 of which I was in). I focused on escorting and fitness in 2013.

It is 2014, and now I am 37 years old, I weigh 165 pounds, and I am at 12% body fat. I took the pics in this second collage today, only a short while ago (click the tumbnail to the right to enlarge it). I had gone through a process of trying to gain mass from 2010 until 2012 that left me with an unseemly amount of body fat. I cannot look at pics/footage of myself from this time frame – I looked (to me) like a shapeless mass of lard. I had successfully evicted the anorexic voice, but the dysmorphic one remains. That’s an improvement, but there is still internal work for me to do. I spent the entirety of 2013 trying to lean down by religiously performing High Intensity Interval Training. My aerobic capacity improved, and my body fat went down, but there came a point where I simply couldn’t get any leaner. I learned it was because of the mass gaining eating schedule I was on: Six meals spread throughout the day is great for gaining weight, but terrible for losing body fat. At the end of 2013 I kept working out hard, started an intermittent fasting eating schedule, and had cool sculpting performed (I don’t recommend it: After four months it is reversing itself, and the additional leanness I achieved was expensive, subtle, and temporary. I am utterly disappointed.).

Putting on weight quickly like what I did from 2010 – 2012 is called doing a dirty bulk, wherein you eat a great deal (and often) to gain mass while lifting heavier weights, but much of the new mass isn’t lean, and has to be shed later to reveal the muscle gains. I was a wreck in some ways: I had purposefully tapered nearly all the dancing out of my life, because I was terrified I would burn off all my muscle gains from the crazy amount of cardio I was doing (plus I was having a lot of arguments with my dance partner, I was exhausted from working so much to pay off the fraud debt, and I was getting bitter about being the person who had to pay for everything for the dance company). So I went without my primary form of creative expression in order to focus on fitness. So be it. No regrets. I am interested in doing one-man shows again. If I continue dancing/performing at all, it will be by myself again.

At any rate, I got my own apartment, which is lovely. I am very happy, and I am still friends with my former roommates (who both have husbands and kids now). I paid off my fraud debt, and got Lasik surgery. I paid off one car and then traded it in (after driving the poor creature to death) for a new one. I have savings. My financial situation is much improved (and so is the general economic situation for many people around the country). But my family has fallen apart. Grampa passed away, my uncles showed up to undermine the relationship between Mom and Gramma (who now do not speak to each other… EVER), and my sister and Gramma are estranged once again. Dad has had multiple strokes, and although he is much better than he was initially, he will never regain his full capacities. So improvement, stability, and growth in one part of my life is offset by chaos where once there was a smidge of order. But all of that is outside my ability to control or alter, so I have to do what I can for me (which is generally to just stay out of all of it). I married myself, and decided that if the opportunity for love presented itself, I wouldn’t reject it automatically on general principle. Dating has been a disappointment, but my vows to myself helped me to guiltlessly make the choices that were best for me.

Anteros Media occupied most of my energy and attention from Summer 2011 until Winter 2013. It was magic. I got to work with some brilliant friends/collaborators/sponsors, some enchanting models, and some delightful experiments in gay adult video. We made some really stunning work, and I am very proud of it. I wish the world could have seen it; however, I never could figure out how to effectively deliver the material to an audience. I overestimated how motivated audiences were to pay for what we made, and I underestimated how ridiculously complex the porn machine is in the background. I am trying not to be discouraged that yet another one of my gorgeous babies has been stillborn. My ideas are so… fucking genius. Sorry, I’m not going to be humble in this: I’m smart, and I have amazing ideas. I don’t always do well with delivery, but the idea, the execution, and the purpose will be flawless… I wish I had connected with some individual/organization/group that could have helped with insight about getting our art (and our scenes at Anteros Media were exquisite little gems) presented better. But the scenes still exist, so perhaps one day they will find a life and an audience? I think they were far too far ahead of their time, to be frank. We were so disruptive on so many levels that I don’t think people knew what to do with us. We were a round peg that could not fit in a square hole.

Today I submitted pics to do scenes again (click the thumbnail at left to enlarge it). That is why I am posting this entry today: It’s rather like a cycle that has come back around to its beginning. This time I am not looking to go into porn to escape from financial duress, to make the world better, or to learn how it all works. Honestly, I couldn’t give less of a shit anymore. Today I just want to update the image of myself that is floating around on the intrawebzes. I am financially comfortable. I don’t care about saving anyone from their self-destructive behavior. I don’t care about exploitation in the industry. I know how it works, both in front of and behind the cameras. I just want to refine my visual branding. All that other noise is no longer my concern. I did what I could do, and it didn’t amount to anything.

So, this time I go into doing scenes with realistic expectations. I’m not a porn activist anymore. I don’t care if you do bareback – if you’re that stupid and stubborn, then you kinda deserve whatever you get. Fuck off. I don’t care if you’re 18 and getting paid $100 for a scene. I don’t care anymore if the houses do this, that, or the other. I have to look out for myself this time. I won’t give complex interviews or answer provocative questions. No one cares. It turns out that it is just porn after all. I’m just a model (if anyone wants to work with me – I may have burned too many bridges the first time around). You’re just someone who wants to cum for free in 30 seconds. Whatever.

For better or worse, I am more concerned now about doing the most I can with the time remaining to me in this career (I estimate I have another 5-7 years in me, 10 if I feel like stretching it that far). I am more interested in buying a 5- to 20-acre plot of land in/near the Blue Ridge Mountains, commissioning a tiny house, living off the grid, and finding peace in self-sufficiency away from the expectations of anonymous people. I’m getting very tired very quickly of everything I do having to revolve around what I look like. I am concerned about my own future stability, evolution, and transition. In 2009 I was still an idealist who wanted everything he did to have meaning that would improve everything for everyone everywhere. Now I care only for my clients, my friends, my family, and myself. I know that’s selfish, and for the first time in my life I’m completely okay with that. Perhaps if I’d looked out for myself better over these years I could have avoided many of the pitfalls and problems I encountered (or in many instances created for myself).

So I’ll say it one last time, and then I’m done: Do only the porn that uses condoms, make all your choices from empowerment not desperation, stick to your values, and ALWAYS remember gratitude.

April 17, 2014   8 Comments