Devon this is one of my favorite posts of yours.

So many of us struggle with body issues…for me it was being skinny. I was always tall, but always felt weak and even small because I was so slim. Ultimately it’s psychological, of course, but perception is reality unless there’s a strong challenge to it. *Real* stature is in the mind, and the thoughtfulness and self-awareness in your posts suggest that you stand head-and-shoulders above most.

You ask what it says about you that you’re attracted to beautiful men who are bad for you. I think it says you’re human. Everyone is attracted to beauty (their own idea of it, at least). And while I’m not a therapist, it seems to me that most people—consciously or not—look for mates who have personality characteristics that are familiar (i.e., modeled by their parents and their relationship to their parents), even if those characteristics are bad for them. Being drawn to people who are bad for you, and needing their approval, may simply mean that you’re still trying to work through the pain you experienced when you were growing up.

You might go after guys who are hot because they’re superficially not like your father (especially since you associated your own pursuit of beauty as a way to separate yourself from your father), or because they represent a physical ideal that matches your own aspirations.

Judging people based on appearances is also human, I think. It’s the actions a person takes based on those judgments that reveal character. But I’m sure you know that.

I hope I haven’t been presumptuous. You write beautifully, btw.

Mike

Well, I read your blog. Not every article/post yet, but 80% of them going back to January. I skimmed over the “How to be a stripper” and other professional advice posts since, for me, it is information that is interesting though I’d never be able to use it. I’m not a dancer and not qualified to even consider something like this. You have the skill, talent, and looks to do it successfully.
What I like is your personal observances, your wit, your wisdom and your insight.
The issue of beauty and attraction is such a horrible double edged sword. I would like to think that I look primarily to the substance of the man as the point of attraction. In fact, it is the substance that holds the attraction but physicality that initiates it. There is nothing wrong with that as I am a living biological entity as well and there are those primal and instinctive feelings that I’ve learned are nothing to be ashamed of. It is in the area of shame and self-worth that we often fail ourselves. I’ve often joked about this issue in that men fall into the categories of:
1. those whom I’m attracted to but who are not attracted to me.
2. those who are attracted to me but I’m not attracted to them.
3. those for whom there’s no attraction on either side.
4. those whom I’m attracted to, who are attracted to me and they are either 500+ miles away, in a relationship, or those encumbered with some unaddressed, major dysfunction(s).
There’s so much truth in all of that. Some is based on my own damaged self image, and much is based on the others.
When I read your blog, I’m impressed, honored to know you within this medium as well as conversations outside of it, and happy to think of you as someone who has complimented me if not flattered outright which is memorable since your opinion is both well considered and intelligent in other areas.
Now, having complimented you on your incredible body, handsome face, wonderful smile, sense of humor, and knowledgable and intelligent commentary, I feel that there is a quandry in my statement. The order that the order that I place those attributes. They are the order which I would describe you in general terms. The problem is that while the order is in fact (and accurately) ascending, they are, speaking as a gay man, the order that I would ascribe, in a general way, to you. Though no insult is meant in that, I have never sat and had lunch with you. So until that event happens, the superficial aspect of thinking of you in the visual first shall remain. It doesn’t discount your more substantive attributes and great qualities but rather is a product of my own more base self expressing appreciation of you.
In regards to your latest blog entry, I relate to many of the same issues only with different manifestations. I often find myself attracted to and dating men who are attractive in a physical sense but lack any (or enough) significant qualities that would make them potential long term partners. I often rationalize away those detrimental flaws at my own peril until that very peril is manifested in reality.
Not to sound to much like Anne Frank, but, I will still continue to be an honest man until I find a good man who see’s that as a good thing for me rather than a point of manipulation.
So to you, a man who is hot because he’s loaded with all the good things, I say thank you for your insight and shared pain. I hope that one day, my experiences may help you even half as much.

as always,
Bob

There’s no shame in wanting beauty outside and in. That’s the conclusion I’ve arrived at for myself, anyway. Animals are naturally attracted to beautiful members of their species. Anti-establishment types like you and me just want to be able to rise above that kind of snap judgment, believing that love doesn’t have a face, content in the belief that we haven’t swallowed media’s image of the perfect male …. Love is a many splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!!! That’s me. Are we victims of the media’s portrayal of perfect men? Do we have the adonis complex? Maybe. Probably. If I wasn’t, I’d have had that right sexual chemistry with guys I didn’t find physically beautiful to begin with… wouldn’t I? I understand, though, that my need to be attended to by beautiful men had nothing to do with them, but everything to do with what I have lacked, and that is the need to feel beautiful and special in my own right. My love for them wasn’t love at all, but a need that was filled at my own expense. Thank god for clarity in the morning.

Chemistry, though, goes beyond the physical… something about pheromones or the way our bodies just fit together. It’s that chemistry I’m focusing on to gauge my attraction to men instead of whether or not they have a six pack. I also only throw that word around - beautiful - to describe men who are kind, compassionate, playful, clever, and who just happen to make it move.

Have a great day, beautiful.

Now the various parameters in the equation do not all have the same weight. I have found that for a LTR height is a very important parameter. It is hard for a non-short person to qualify as relationship material. A non-short person would have to score really, really high to qualify. But that is just the way I am wired. I have learned to accept it. I am happy to have figured out that parameter the equation, so now I can address it to myself when meeting someone else.

Perhaps using this “equation” concept with give you a mental tool to work with.

I would say that “appearance” is your extremely important parameter. And I would tell you to recognize it, accept it, and now work with it. Realize that in your equation you will be giving “appearance” great weight, but you must also attend to the other parameters in your equation. So dont let those other parameters be drowned out by “appearance.” Set “appearance” aside and pay attention to the other parameters before you take action.

You may say “but I dont have any other parameters in my equation.” I think you do. But they only get thru to you when the relationship is going sour. You need to capture what those parameters are and consciously give them attention BEFORE you commit to someone as “relationship material.”

I guess that leads to the age old… “Don’t judge a book by its cover”

Those old adages stand the test of time, no doubt.
Nice read and kudos to you DH – PERSERVERE