The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Diamonds and Pearls

Yesterday was absolutely amazing…

I know that I am the type of person who has to experience and explore all the minutiae in a situation, even the really, really, really unpleasant ones. I have to run my fingers mentally along every sharp edge, and I have to get cut every way possible in order to grasp whatever stone it is I’m holding at the time. And I don’t just grasp it, I squeeze it hard, holding it deep inside myself and using the intensity of my emotions to superheat it. I take the lumps of coal in my life, and in my own slow, painstaking process, I turn them into diamonds. It cannot be rushed. It cannot be abbreviated. The process is as important as, if not more precious than, the product. It can take years.

About a month ago I began an excrutiating journey, looking at the way I form bonds with people and the ways in which I process interactions with them. I was given a tiny piece of information Saturday night at PT1109 by someone who didn’t even know how valuable his gift to me was: Based on how I now know he jumps from person to person in a desparate bid to find someone who can get him to feel something, I now know and totally embrace the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong with/to Allen. I was right to say good-bye and walk away.

With that one little keystone in place, my arches were suddenly completely solid and sure. They will stand for thousands of years. All the doubt that was making my walls unsteady is gone: I know that my instinct is a true foundation, and now I am completely comfortable building on the truth that I am responsible only for my own actions and feelings. And if that means that I judge someone or some situation to be incompatible with me for whatever reason, I do not have to justify it or apologize for it. I cannot doubt it. It is enough to realize that my instinct has spoken. Of course it’s easy for anyone to simply say these altruisms, but how intimately do people in general resonate with the truth of them? I no longer simply feel the truth in it, I know it. I have faith in it. This truth is as much a part of me now as my identity is.

With this diamond coming out of the mine, others began coming forth as well: If Allen’s emotional situation isn’t my fault, then it isn’t my fault that Scott or Michael abused me. I now don’t even feel as I need to offer the weak apology, “It takes two to tango – I tolerated it.” Fuck that. They intimidated, manipulated, and abused me, and the reason I “tolerated” it is because I didn’t have the time and space I needed to process it quicker. It’s hard enough to be responsible for me, so I refuse to do it for them. So, now that also means that Randy isn’t my fault either. Neither is my Dad. Neither are the homophobes who tried to grind me into dust. These people have to carry the responsibility for their own actions, I cannot do it for them anymore.

With that truth then comes this one: I love people, but I do not have to sacrifice everything in myself for them. If I give until my wings are tattered, that’s my choice, but I can choose more carefully to whom I give. Also, I will give because it feels good to me to do so, not because I am trying to fix the recipient. I feel the need to reiterate Devon’s Platinum Rule: Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.

I have been happiest in my life when I have been on my own. If you are in a relationship, and if you are happy, that’s great. BUT PLEASE DON’T PUSH YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS ON OTHERS. “Aw, but you’re so great – why are you alone?” Because… I FUCKING LIKE IT! I cannot say it enough: Being alone and being lonely are not necessarily the same. Not everyone is wired for long term situations: I do not need a man, I want a man. There is a huge gulf of difference between the two. I am so freaking pleased with being totally and utterly me, without having to make silly compromises about how I fold my socks or whether I load the dishwasher “properly.” I can lay a huge portion of my past challenges in this life at the feet of my relationships (e.g. anorexia, dysmorphia, inability to accept compliments, fear of vulnerability, etc.).

Whoever I meet as a perspective partner from this point forward had better be strong enough to be my man. He’d better have a fetish for big fellas too: My body might be only 5’7″ and 150 pounds, but my soul is at least 6′ and 180 pounds. He’d better be mature enough to mean it when he says, “I want you to tell me what you’re thinking and feeling.”

I would encourage anyone who has (or wants to develop) the emotional fortitude to stand it, to not push the grains of sand away immediately. When appropriate for you personally (actually, that is a misnomer, since irritation generally doesn’t feel appropriate), take those tiny spurs and embrace them. Lacquer them with your meditation, and turn them into pearls. I do not mean to say that you should look for agony, but there can be an exquisite type of beauty born of suffering. Do you think the earth felt nothing in forming its many staggering landscapes? Without becoming a martyr or masochistic about it, find the strength to surround your pain with wisdom.

(Update, 7/20/13: The content of this entry forms the basis of both “dancerjack: Fisher of Men” and “The Parable of the Platinum Rule, Part 3″ in “The Gospel According to Anteros.”)

11 comments

1 Jonathan { 03.02.09 at 12:08 pm }

Devon, I am glad that you are blogging again, and that it is one filled with positive hope for the future. I personally believe you are right that an individual cannot mend another’s traumas that have accumulated over a lifetime. And and that it is far better to be single then to be in a destructive relationship (at least from what I have seen in life).

2 Devon { 03.02.09 at 12:50 pm }

thank you! it feels good to be me again…

3 Jennifer { 03.02.09 at 1:56 pm }

“With that truth then comes this one: I love people, but I do not have to sacrifice everything in myself for them. If I give until my wings are tattered, that’s my choice, but I can choose more carefully to whom I give. Also, I will give because it feels good to me to do so, not because I am trying to fix the recipient. I feel the need to reiterate Devon’s Platinum Rule: Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.”

Bears repeating.

Welcome back. :-)

4 devon { 03.02.09 at 4:56 pm }

do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you x 10

5 joe { 03.02.09 at 8:42 pm }

devon, god bless you for all the wisdom you put out there. i have been trying my best to practice your platinum rule and is is helping greatly. glad you are back blogging.

6 devon { 03.02.09 at 9:44 pm }

good!! you are platinum, joe… treat yourself as such

7 Stephen { 03.06.09 at 6:33 pm }

I followed the Link you gave Devon. Thank you. You continue to inspire me. No, not to go into dancing, lol. No, I mean to look into the mirror. The last 12 mos. have been tectonic for me. If you listen closely, you can hear your own wisdom and teach yourself a LOT about yourself. I sure am beginning to. Peace…….

8 Steve { 03.07.09 at 7:26 pm }

Devon, as you know, I have recently discovered your blog and I have been going through and reading many of your posts. I would like to ask you a question…..when you sit down to type, do you feel immersed inside a “block” of information that is just begging to be put into print? Do you feel excitement at the prospect of relaying this information, and excitement at the help you know it will bring to people? Do your fingers fly across the keyboard, almost unable to keep pace with the information that is coming through? When I spoke to you in person I mentioned that it was very obvious to me that you have an extremely clear channel of reception to Spirit or Energy or whatever you want to call it. Your written works seem as though you are actually channeling your Higher Self. The average person may be able to create a few of these posts in a lifetime, but you regularly pump out very long posts that are brilliantly organized and perfectly explained, and targeted for a specific audience. Have you also noticed that people are drawn to find your blog in strange ways? (I certainly was! I had never met you…I found your blog by Googling “Gay Dwarf Atlanta!”) Not long after I discovered that I was channeling my own Higher Self, a psychic friend of mine informed me that I could also channel the Higher Selves of other people. She told me to try it. I was able to get information that I never would have thought of…I was even able to have, in my mind, a conversation with a guy who, for some reason, couldn’t speak to me in person. A few years ago, when I was still passing for “hot,” there was a guy at the gym who could never speak to me. If I said “hello” he would look panicked and say “hmorlph!” And he would never speak. He was a beautiful gay man who was married with two children and had fooled most people into thinking he was straight. (Big long story about how I know this.) Anyway, “Why can’t you talk to me?” I asked when I was channeling him. And then I heard him say, “There are two reasons why I can’t talk to you. The first reason is that I am terrified of finding out that you do not like me as much as I like you.” After a pause I asked, “What is the second reason?” And he said, “The second reason is that I am terrified of finding out that you DO like me as much as I like you, and therefore I cannot speak to you at all.” I was astounded, because I never would have thought of that myself! (and I DID like him waaay too much!) A good test of whether you are really receiving information from channeling and not just making it up is when you get information that surprises you. Now, I’m not saying you should start channeling, but I am convinced that you have such a clear connection that you CAN if you want to. Your posts truly do have an amazing quality to them, and I predict that you will have a wide audience for them. I’m ecstatic because I have found a new little place to look each day (your blog) for free “goodies!”

9 devon { 03.09.09 at 10:41 am }

when i sit down, yes, i generally have a topic in mind; however, for these entries, i don’t work from a formal structure/template/outline. i have to the idea i want to work with, and i simply type. i try to edit my thoughts as little as possible – the final postings that you read are therefore polished first versions. i get everything out of my head, then i go back with a fine tooth comb and look for typos, incomplete/incoherent phrases, and repeated words. i have not yet rewritten an entry. what you see is just a proofread version of the original – there aren’t multiple drafts or anything like that. yes, there are times i can’t keep up with my thoughts, but generally they are born quickly, one word or phrase at a time. i’m glad you enjoy them, and i hope you’ll post on other entries as well. right now it’s enough to channel me, so i’m not sure up for channelling anyone else right now! LOL

10 Steve { 03.09.09 at 5:44 pm }

I could tell by the beautiful way they flow that you have not been rewriting or using multiple drafts. Your posts have all the hallmarks of writing that comes from Inspiration. This is a gift that not many people possess, and it shows in what you write.

11 Zane { 01.11.10 at 5:55 am }

I can’t agree more! I did it! I am the Michael to which you refer! Sad thing is, I knew I was doing it at the time and couldn’t stop!. You’ll never understand what I was processing in my mind during the “time.” I don’t worry anymore. You are right – “do unto yourself…” You taught me more than you will ever know! One day – as you mentioned in one of your “other” texts written, friendship may be an option. Note: I have a book in the works “A Confession Unto Myself” – guess who is one of the premire characters?

Leave a Comment