The online diary of a gay courtesan.

My ongoing process

I recently took a six-month hiatus for several reasons simultaneously. The RentBoy raid completely interrupted my practice (just when flights and hotels suddenly got more expensive again). I’m the executor of my grandmother’s estate (and none of the beneficiaries cooperate). I needed time away to recenter and recover from burnout. I thought I’d found an amazing situation (but even though he hired many male/female/transgender workers over the years and said he was fine with my career, he was not). I tried to change everything about myself in a futile effort to please him, had a nervous breakdown over his pressuring me constantly about money (even though he was the reason I wasn’t making any), attempted suicide out of fear of becoming homeless, had to be hospitalized, and spent the last few weeks recovering. I’m much better now, so please don’t fret. This is just sharing information, not crying out for help. xoxo

Yes, I’d been planning to transition GRADUALLY away from escorting as I maintained Anteros Media, built a fitness business, and looked at options for becoming a CNA. However, I never meant to suddenly abandon my career the shambolic way I did in December. That decision was made under pressure. Now I’m picking up where I’d originally intended to be in the first place: On a course toward multiple streams of income, while happily and casually feeling out which options to pursue. On my birthday this year, I’m going to renew my wedding vows to myself from 2012. I honored them faithfully for 3 1/2 years, so these last 6 months are utterly humiliating.

Screen Shot 2015-06-05 at 11.24.25 AMAlso, I’ve been an adult entertainer for nearly 20 years, and it’s part of who I am when I’m happy and doing what I want to do. The selfies here represent where I was exactly a year ago. I’m hardly different physically from then, but I’d like to add a tiny bit of mass back on. It gives me a fitness goal to focus on. I’m doing the workout used by the actors in the movie 300.

I know this is a stark message, but this is the way I’ve always spoken on my blog, in interviews, on forums and social media, and in other places. I don’t like to keep secrets, because I don’t like people being able to hold my emotions ransom. Often, people tell me I make myself too vulnerable by sharing my weaknesses or faults; however, I find it liberating for its own reasons, despite the risk. Perhaps this post has been off-putting, but I just wanted to clarify that yes, I’ve reworked my previous blog post to reflect my current situation; yes, I’ve re-activated my Rent Men ad as of an hour ago; and, yes I’m again seeing clients (but minimizing the constant travel until I can figure out this post-RentBoy world, and to give myself time to develop my other ideas).

10 comments

1 George { 06.06.16 at 5:34 pm }

Hi Devon,
I have been reading your blog for a long time and though I don’t know you personally, I feel as if I know you as well as one of my friends. You have the gift of being able to express yourself very clearly through your writing. You allow your readers to see inside your world by sharing your real truth (both the good and bad). I think that is one of your most attractive qualities along with your great sense of humor.
You should really consider writing a book, one about your life experiences. I would buy a copy…hell, I would even buy the hardcover copy and not the cheap paperback edition. Thanks for sharing your blog.

2 Devon { 06.06.16 at 7:06 pm }

Thank you very much! I have begun the process of writing a memoir. It will be a long-term process, because I have so many other tasks I have to complete. I do think that it could be of interest; however, it would be even more personal in nature. The advice would stay here on the blog, and the personal stories that I have not shared here would be in the book itself. That way the practical information remains free, but I would have an opportunity to create a published account that isn’t so formal

3 Jennifer { 06.17.16 at 5:23 am }

<3

4 Michael Australia { 06.25.16 at 6:24 am }

OMG is it ten years since I first stumbled onto your blog. Like Brenn Wyson, Parker Williams, Berke Banks and recently Dirk Caber and Connor Habib (sorry for name dropping) you have been the best of them all the way you answer people on social media. Thank you. I am sorry to hear of the tough times you have had. Porn movies have sure changed, especially all the tattoos, I don’t hate them but some are way over the top. I remember you writing about marrying yourself too. Also that sensual video you made with that guy. I watched today you with Lucas Knowles. It reminded me of what porn once was – sensual, without tattoos (again I don’t dislike them all but some yikes) and above all condom use as sexy. Has porn lost it’s fascination for me? Yes and no, probably more of a 40 60 thing now, certainly with all the download sites it’s almost totally free, but people are still buying. I think the gay for pay thing too has been more prevalent than ever. Nice to see you kept your blog I hope 2016 is better from this day on for you.

5 Devon { 06.25.16 at 8:19 am }

Yes, time flies! It is hard to believe that it’s been that long, isn’t it? The company I own is still trying to keep the older stuff active. We will be looking soon at alternate methods of PR and distribution. So perhaps soon I will be able to make that announcement. 🙂 Oh, and thank you for the well wishes. I appreciate them!

6 Max { 06.27.16 at 1:51 am }

Dear Devon
Sorry to hear you went through some difficult times. I’m glad to see you back. thanks for the update and stay strong. Max

7 T { 07.02.16 at 9:58 pm }

My heart goes out to you. Mental illness has such a negative stigma. You have much courage to be so open. Many of us suffer and deal with depression/anxiety on a daily basis. I’m glad you are moving forward and planning your future.

8 jon daly { 07.19.16 at 9:51 pm }

I don’t expect all porn stars (or adult “entertainers” or escorts or whatever) to be idiots, but I don’t expect them to be especially literate. Most people aren’t. (I teach writing at a small college in Ohio and believe me, most people can’t write at all.)

In any event, I find it a little odd that someone who is obviously intelligent, who seems nice, who is handsome, and who is a good writer … ends up as a “Rentboy.”

I am NOT making a moral judgment. It just seems that someone with talent and brains and looks would aim higher. (Ok.Maybe that does seem judgmental. I don’t mean that way. I just don’t get it.)

Did you always want to be an escort? Why? Did you have any other interests growing up? Did you do well in school? Did you got to college?

Obviously, none of this is any of my business. I am just curious how you go to this point in your life. If I had more money, I’d hire you as a rentboy and then spend the night talking to you.

It just makes me feel a little said that your life is in flux and you attempted suicide. You need to remember: You are smart, You are handsome. You are talented. You can succeed at many things.

Good luck.

9 Devon { 07.20.16 at 8:02 am }

Hey Jon – Well, there’s quite a bit going on in this comment, so let’s see if I can unpack it one part at a time. I see you went and read more; however, for those who don’t want to I have provided a detailed answer here for their convenience. 🙂

I aimed quite high: I wanted to be the next Michael or Janet Jackson, and I had the looks and talent to do it. But what you have to recognize is that success is almost never about yourself alone. You can define what you want and why; however, you have no control over the who, when, where, or how. Success in entertainment (or practically anything else) is just as much about networking and luck as it is about ambition or talent. I came out in 1991 when I was in 10th grade. By the time I was in Los Angeles going to auditions in 2001, I’d already been out for a decade. When I was asked if I would go back into the closet for a chance at fame, my immediate and brusque response was, “How? How am I supposed to do that after 10 years of being out? And why should I have to?” Well, that pretty much ended that.

I was fascinated by sex work from high school onward. I was mesmerized by the women who had such control over men. They are very powerful in that way, and most of them were very happy and independent. So it was always in my mind rattling around somewhere. Then I began learning more about Veronica Franco, and the way she interlaced art, beauty, and pleasure. I read about courtesans, and how they are different from other sex workers. From there I learned about geisha (which in Japanese means “artist”).

Did I do well in school? Yes. I was in the top 10% of my graduating class in high school. I was valedictorian of my college class (with two majors and a minor, which means I was running circles around people with a C average and only one major). I graduated Summa Cum Laude from my advanced studies at UCLA. I speak fluent English and French. I’m conversant in Spanish and Italian. I’ve studied Portuguese, Latin, German, Russian, and Chinese; however, I do not speak those. But understanding the principles of how different languages work helps you to understand how people around the world form thoughts and frame reality. My ambition at one point was to be an interpreter for the UN, but that requires fluency in something like seven or eight languages.

As to coming “to this point in my life:” I tried to be a normal person, but that got fucked by the man who I should have been able to trust the most. My boyfriend in 2005-2006 defrauded me for $100,000 in credit card debt, then “helped” me make payments once I found out about it when everything was late and I started getting calls from companies I’d never heard of. By “helping” me make late and over-the-limit fee payments, he “helped” me to acknowledge the debt existed and that it was mine. So then, he “helped” me claim the debt as mine, so I couldn’t then call it fraud once I was able to get my thoughts together. He is a serial con artist. I was the 5th person he’d done this to. He led me to the slaughter. (Keep in mind that this happened in 2006.)

I left him, and began working eight part time teaching jobs to try to get everything back in order. However, art jobs were already drying up. I eventually went back to dancing in the clubs, which was fine for a while (until everyone got laid off, and they all showed up in the clubs to be strippers). By 2009, dancing in clubs was no longer tenable.

In 2007 the economic downturn began. Fuck what the government says about it starting in 2008 or 2009. It started in 2007 – people who work for tips are the canaries in the mine. We know before anyone else what the state of the economy is. I made it all work (precariously) for a few years, but then I couldn’t make exotic dancing profitable anymore. I’d been asked repeatedly over that last decade to do porn. So in 2009, when the crash was in full swing, I decided to do porn before people stopped asking me to do it. I did it specifically to advertise myself as an escort (something I’d been interested in for many years by that point). Once my first scenes went live, I placed my first Rentboy ad.

As you will be aware, the Recession lasted for years. There were no other jobs to get. So I stayed in escorting, and I didn’t experience the Recession AT ALL. I paid off that $100,000 debt by 2011. I made a plan to leave escorting in 2012 when I launched my own video site. The site stalled, so I stayed in escorting. Gradually the Recession finally began to fade away, but by then I’d not had a full time job since 2006. I would have had to invent a whole career to apply for jobs I didn’t even want – many of my references had died in the meantime. So I stayed in escorting. For all its problems, Adult Entertainment has been very good to me on balance. It affords me a comfortable life with enough free time to consider other options carefully before I make choices. Right now I’m trying to start a personal training business (I was a personal trainer from 2002 – 2008). But this relationship I just left is a perfect example of why I cannot be pressured to just leave escorting: I cannot replace the income yet. That stress is a huge part of what put me into the hospital a couple months ago.

I have blogged about all of this over the last ~10 years. You can click the Star button to see some of the posts that I think are most reflective of this diary. There’s also a search engine for looking up key words. So, you will find that I’ve been very open about my situations from the very beginning of starting this blog in 2007. I’m happy and content with adult entertainment. I’ve been in it to one degree or another since 1998. I have almost 20 years in this now, and I’ve been totally free of asshole bosses and insecure office politics. And although I get burned out sometimes by the job, so does everyone in any career. When everything is put on the balance, I have far, far more positive experiences than negative. In fact, (as I have said in the past on this site) IF MY BOYFRIENDS HAD BEEN 1/10 AS NICE TO ME AS MY CLIENTS HAVE BEEN I WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN THIS POSITION IN THE FIRST PLACE. It is completely false to presume that a single boyfriend would be better for me than multiple clients. Boyfriends have ALWAYS undermined my life and put my life in jeopardy. I’m quite content to stay as I am.

So… does that explain everything?

10 jon daly { 07.19.16 at 10:47 pm }

Ok. I’ve read many of your other blogs, and they shed some light on your views on escorting and the adult entertainment biz. very interesting and insightful. good luck!

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