The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Sarah Palin said I’m worthless LOL

Screen Shot 2015-07-27 at 10.56.35 PMI’ve begun the process of going to a councilor/therapist. Each week he offers me tools/exercises to help me contend with the issues we’re examining. We started with emotional journaling, so he could get a sense of how I was thinking and to what extent my moods were shifting. The next week he reminded me of the fundamental importance of breath, and how the quality of breath influences everything else in life. When my mood starts to feel elevated in any particular direction, I try to reinforce a habit/association of taking slow, deep breaths. I can do this whether or not I’m able to interrupt what I’m doing to meditate. I can do it while driving, waiting on hold, pushing my grocery buggy, etc. He also suggested positive self talk (e.g. “I’m nice. People like me.”), and I found that helpful; however, I have gone a few steps further with it.

My therapist likes the theories of Jung. As such, my councilor brought my attention to the idea that we all have a source of darker energy within us. That makes perfect sense to me. No arguments there. He made the point that because of our nature, we can never defeat/destroy/remove this part of ourselves. We can only become aware of it, and seek to limit the damage it causes. This “shadow” has to be met, so that it can be understood and accepted, but not embraced or allowed to run rampant. I cannot speak for others, but I experience this phenomenon as a menacing whisper. I don’t know about yours, but the voice I hear lies.

Is there ever a moment when the whispers within the shadows stop hissing all their poison? These mental cicadas, their incessant racket… but they’re nowhere to be seen. All you ever find are the husks. I just wish they’d be quiet. Constantly, the same droning, the same squall. I just want them to stop. South Carolina, you are the perfect manifestation of my emotional landscape. 

The Shadow has never had a face, shape, or sound. It has always simply emanated its toxicity like radioactive waste. It suckles me with poison, and a mutated image of myself is nurtured by this slop. I find that positive self talk isn’t enough. “You are a fat, worthless failure who has wasted his talent and potential.” Allowing that sentiment to rumble around in the echo chamber of my head allows it to sound real. But giving The Shadow a voice, and allowing it to speak its lies aloud renders them absurd. Let me repeat that nonsense aloud with my own mouth… Yep, it’s ridiculous to the point of being laughable. It’s ludicrous. But that isn’t enough. In the past I’ve tried to negotiate with The Shadow, or to debate with it. I’ve tried to explain my perspective. I’ve pleaded with it, tried to make it see reason.

Fuck that!

Now, whenever The Shadow lies, I refute it. On the spot. “I am kind and generous, and I am dedicated to honesty, dignity, and my own distinct code of ethics.” Period. This isn’t up for consideration. The Shadow lies? I correct it adamantly and without apology or explanation. I’ve gotten better already: I don’t even let The Shadow finish what it’s about to say. I’ve been hearing all this so long, that I already know what it’s going to spew before it finishes vomiting it. Lately, I immediately interrupt The Shadow with a little piece of truth, and then tell it to fuck right off.

But even that isn’t enough. One of the reasons The Shadow became insidious is because it’s been without form. It’s been void. No, no, no… You can’t box with shadows. So I’ve decided to exact a little revenge. Let’s shine some light into the dark corner where this filth has been hiding…

The Shadow has been twisting me into its own image, like some kind of perverted god. Well, payback’s a bitch: Whenever The Shadow speaks, it will do so with the face and voice of Sarah Palin.

Now, bitch, you are totally fucking irrelevant. Tell me something. Anything… Anything at all… C’mon! Speak, bitch! Tell me what you have to say… “You are,” BITCH, YOU SOUNDED JUST LIKE SARAH PALIN!! How am I supposed to take you seriously??? Get the fuck outta here…

Bye, Sarah. Bye, Felicia. Bye, bitch.

7 comments

1 Max { 08.07.15 at 2:22 am }

Best of luck in your new journey with a therapist. Being our best self is sometimes the bravest thing we can do.

2 ElleRachelle { 08.07.15 at 8:19 pm }

I also have Bipolar II. In 2012, my symptoms(insomnia, anxiety, debilitating panic attacks, severe depression) became so severe that I was unable to function. I had been a very sucessful RN that was able to work in almost any setting, especially ER & ICU. I loved my career. I was great in an emergency. Then I became so sick that the fact that I had to get up off the couch and go to the bathroom would completely overwhelm me and leave me in tears and somtimes incontinent.
I became very well acquainted with my “Shadow”. In fact that sense of uselessness and self loathing became my new normal. I had completely lost myself. But with time, therapy, and medication I can say that I am feeling stronger everyday. In fact when I read your post, I realized that I hadn’t had a negative thought about myself in months.
That being said, I want you to know that it does get better. It’s taken some time, but I feel better than I ever have. I am taking better care of myself because I realize that I’m worth it. I’ve lost 39.3 lbs since 11/2014. And I’m actually enjoying the process! I look forward to working again and have made peace with the fact that I can’t work in an adrenaline feuled and stressful environment like nursing anymore. My career no longer defines me. I am fortunate enough to have SSDI which is about 55% of my former wages. So it covers the essentials. And I am truly blessed to have both of my parents, who have been exceptionally supportive. Sorry for going on and on, but I read your post and felt the need to share my experience with you. I am lead by Spirit and I felt a strong need to reach out to you. I hope it helps.

3 Devon { 08.08.15 at 1:31 pm }

Thank you very much. I appreciate it, and lately I am feeling better too.

4 A close friend { 08.13.15 at 6:29 pm }

Devon totally deserves a legacy! He has been the voice of reason in a cacophony of egotistical rhetoric and blatant lies. He has fought for the rights of those who have little or no voice and battled against external and internal forces which have at times seemed hell bent on making the lives of those in the adult industry more difficult than it already is. And he dared to dream. To hope for a future where the rights of sex workers were equal to that of workers everywhere, where pornography could grow beyond the narrow boundaries set for it by those who profit most from it and become an industry where performers and producers could benefit equally from making diverse, beautiful, engaging and life enhancing films with a moral, ethical and socially aware business strategy at its core. And more than that, he has been utterly generous, both in sharing his knowledge and experience with others who were treading the same path, and also by acknowledging his own mistakes and difficulties, ensuring others can avoid similar situations. That is a legacy to be proud of. Devon’s journey has been a convoluted one and he has had a profound and incredibly positive impact on so many people, myself included.

5 Jennifer { 09.07.15 at 3:01 pm }

WORD, “A Close Friend”. To all of it!

6 Devon { 02.18.16 at 12:25 am }

I’m looking back at all this… I had to stop therapy after six sessions, because it was making everything far, far worse at the time. One day, perhaps, I will do that work; however, for now, I’m content to not kick a sleeping dog. Finally, after decades of this Bipolar II nonsense, I started taking Lamictal three weeks ago. And you know what? That has helped more than everything else ever did. Lesson learned: When there is help for your illness, get it. Your quality of life is too precious.

7 Devon { 06.30.17 at 10:41 am }

Yesterday was my 41st birthday, and (as I sometimes do) I decided to go back a reread some of my journal entries. Since I last commented on 2/18/16 I went through the suicide/hospital/recover experience I wrote about in later entries. I resumed therapy in May 2016, and it has been very helpful to me. I just went to a session a few days ago. I’ve found and maintained the right dose of medication, and 95% of the time I am a normal, happy person. I look damn good, too. LOL I am about to leave tonight for a 10-day drive wandering along the coast and through the forests from Portland, OR up to Seattle, WA. I am personal training and building my own company. I have hired an internationally renown trainer in London to help me level up my physique, so that I can be YouTube ready on the channel I created earlier this year. And all in all, everything is going great. I am happy. 🙂

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