The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Two couplets for Gramma

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 12.38.37 AMGramma will pass away soon. She’s an artist and an author, so I wrote some couplets to give her tomorrow when I visit (click the picture to enlarge it). A recurrent theme in my creative works is the seasons. I don’t know who the artist is who made this beautiful image of a tree and landscape in all phases of the year, but I thought it was inspired. If anyone knows who made the image, please let me know so I can credit him/her (I’ve used it before on this blog). Gramma’s favorite color has always been blue. I made the lower field solid, because this lower plane where we are now is a tangible existence. At the top, the edges are less distinct. I suppose this higher plane must be less clearly delineated. The definite line of separation across the two regions is a barrier that prevents the two from touching. But that is just a presumption on my part – the spiritual and poetic side of me believes the line may not be so rigid. Anyway, I want to give it to her while she is still able to appreciate the sentiment. I don’t want this to be a eulogy for a funeral I may never be told about.

My uncles are estranged from me, because of the damage they caused after Grampa passed away in January, 2011. Their prodigal return created all sorts of rifts in the family, and now they do not keep me in the loop about anything. They moved Gramma out of her apartment last week without telling me, and I had to go searching for and demanding information to find out if she was still alive and where she was now. She is in one of my uncle’s houses… so now I cannot go visit her without scheduling a meeting with a hospice social worker present. This means it has to be convenient for the social worker and my uncle and his wife for me to be able to visit. I was able to schedule a visit for tomorrow, so I’m going to print this out to take to her, in case it’s the last time I get to see her.

 

In case the image isn’t visible or it won’t expand, here is the text of the couplets:

 

Autumn leaves are jeweled tears

falling to frozen ground where they harden.

And though bitter days may pass like years,

you will bloom forever in my garden.

6 comments

1 Kristy { 03.05.15 at 2:16 am }

Beautiful sentiment for your gramma. She will love it!

2 Rachel { 03.05.15 at 9:41 am }

This is so beautiful. Gramma will love it. You are so thoughtful.

3 Devon { 03.05.15 at 1:29 pm }

So, I was supposed to leave in 30 minutes to drive to Columbia to see my gramma now that she has been moved into Greg and Pam’s house. And what do you know? The social worker called to tell me Pam has cancelled and that it cannot be this week or next week. This. THIS. This is why I panicked when I found out she had been secretly and suddenly moved out of her apartment and into their private residence. I am so sick of dealing with this abject bullshit. I was going to go today with the thought in mind that it would be my last meeting with her, but I see now that I may have already met her for the last time.

4 Devon { 03.05.15 at 1:31 pm }

I just spent 20 minutes on the phone with the social worker, telling her everything that has happened since Grampa passed away. Everything. How Paul undermined everything and got a farm out of the deal; how my uncles reprogrammed gramma to fear my mother (her primary care giver for ten years); that my mother and sister will never be reconciled with gramma; the way gramma was sent to the apartment and the house sold in rapid succession; how Greg abandoned his family and demanded paternity tests; that Greg has a lien against him for never filing taxes with the IRS (and that he wants to use his inheritance to pay off the mess); that Pam didn’t tell me where Gramma was, no one told me they were moving Gramma, and no one gave the social worker my number until AFTER it was all done and I started threatening to make a mess for them; that I am not even sure I would know Pam if I was talking to her, since we only met once in passing for Christmas a few years ago. Everything. I told her everything. And you know what: She had’t yet heard ANY of that. Of course!

5 Max { 03.06.15 at 2:52 am }

What a beautiful sentiment to express With the couplet and the image. It must be devastating to be going through family drama at the same time as the loss of your grandma. I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. Please be well.

6 Devon Hunter { 03.12.15 at 9:42 am }

Last night I received an email on here “from my uncle Greg,” which was sent via his wife Pam’s account (but which sounded nothing like Greg and everything like Pam). In this email I was told the reason my visit to gramma​ was canceled and delayed was because Greg and Pam were being asked to leave their house, so I could visit Gramma with only the social worker present. Bear in mind that them leaving their house during my visit was THEIR idea. It’s an idea that never occurred to me. I learned of this idea from the social worker. So, now Greg/Pam has said that if I will make peace with them and visit with Gramma with them present and make a show of us all getting along, then they will let me see Gramma. But this morning I arrived at my decision: I am not interested in participating in this type of deeply manipulative gameplay. I’m done. I have visited with Gramma more than just about anyone. I don’t have to make peace with her or say my goodbyes. I am opting out. I will not be used as some kind of prop in their fantasy world where Pam and her five children from four fathers is part of my family. I love my grandmother, but all this has been wrecking my life, and I am taking control back. This isn’t how I wanted this to go, but I am done now. I am choosing to refocus back on trying to eat, sleep, exercise, and live without interference from a situation that I can do nothing about. My life has been in total turmoil for far, far too long. I love Gramma, but she already knows it, so my part in this tale is done. I don’t see a value in compromising who am I or what I think to get something I don’t want or need.

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