The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Taking off the mask

So, the idea behind the theme of my wedding is that we create beautiful or idealized façades that we hide behind, and the process of marrying myself has been one where I have had to look at myself as I am and try to accept what I find (which can be terrifying, in all honesty). No mask, no hiding, just plain old me.

But now that the mask has arrived, I have made an accidental discovery that is metaphoric in itself: Wearing this mask is a total pain in the ass.

The mask itself cost $500, took quite a while to be constructed in Venice and shipped to me from halfway around the world, requires a great deal of effort to put on, but then after all that trouble/time/effort/expense comes the process of wearing it…

It doesn’t fit (literally and figuratively), because I just randomly chose something I thought would be pretty and would wow the participants (a metaphor unto itself). But to keep the damn thing on I have to lean backwards to allow gravity to hold it in place, tie it blindly from behind, then stand slowly while holding my head up and back at an an excruciatingly uncomfortable angle (like ballet class), jut my chin forward to stabilize the bottom, and then smile really big so that my cheeks plump up enough to hold the top of the mask in front of my eyes. After only five minutes my face aches as if it had done a workout, I can hardly breathe, and my back hurts from the bad posture. And despite all that trouble I still have to move slowly and keep my head still, or it will come crashing down…

Could I have picked a better image to describe how difficult, fragile, uncomfortable, and untenable our false faces are??? It just adds another layer of depth to the whole ceremony of revealing and accepting myself. My wedding is a piece of performance art, which is what I intended, but it keeps getting richer and deeper with meaning.

I’m very excited, and I look forward to finally coming to the culmination of this 7-year process. It’s one of the best performances I’ve ever conceived, and ultimately the one that will probably change my life the most.

4 comments

1 Michael Australia { 05.13.12 at 6:15 am }

I am writing to you on your blog rather than email, I was a bit shocked by a post last year about Jack Ryan, where someone said his friend did bareback on you. Now, talk about masks, we value freedom of speech but really that was so nasty and bitter. Even if I didn’t like you (well bare with me I mean on any level) that is totally unethical. The mask of the person who wrote that is quite sad. Disappointing that gay men treat each other so bitchy and with such politics, the net has made the abuse worse.

2 Devon { 05.13.12 at 11:24 am }

Yeah, I remember that… I remember my reply, too. ;-) It’s good to hear from you. It’s been a while.

3 Michael Australia { 05.14.12 at 8:19 pm }

Yes I am glad your new blog is working out it looks great. I know it is unrealistic, but civility seems to be lacking across the internet. I am not saying everyone should be nice; that’s an expectation. But the temptation to abuse is high. Even the same sex marriage issue ignites debates that end in name calling. That is sad. Thanks for the postings hope things are going well. Interesting to see Bobby Clarke come back to making porn too.

4 Ari Côtero { 05.26.12 at 9:46 am }

I just wanted to say I found what u wrote really deep and quite true and it’s amazing how sometimes we need something as little(or big) to show us the reality of things, congrats!!

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