The online diary of a gay courtesan.

I do: The countdown…

I can’t believe how nervous and giddy I am…

In 10 weeks I am going to be 36 years old, and I am going to complete a process that began years ago: I am going to marry myself. I first mentioned this on the blog in December, 2010; however, I had the idea in December, 2008. I began a process of paying down fraud debt, and in December, 2009 I selected my engagement band. I took possession of the band and made my announcement. When I picked up the engagement band I also selected the wedding solitaire to accompany it. A year later, in December, 2011 I took possession of that ring as well.

Tonight I finalized the order for what I plan to wear for the ceremony. I don’t care for current men’s fashion – it’s so… drab and uninspired. I wanted to get a formal outfit that I could wear not only for my wedding, but also to special occasions that require socializing in a formal environment. I decided I wanted an outfit with some real character, and I was very happy to find GentlemensEmporium.com, where they focus on styles from the 19th century. Now THAT is an outfit worth wearing out! One must cut a figure, n’est-ce pas?

I have also settled upon a theme for the ceremony: Carnivale. The reason for this is that my ceremony is about being nakedly honest with myself and everyone else about why my past relationships failed (and how I hope to one day be more successful in this part of my life, when the time is right). Specifically, I feel that Oscar Wilde was correct when he said, “Man is least himself when he talks in his person, but give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth…” I feel that many of us create idealized/dazzling/distracting façades for ourselves, that we hide behind who we want others to believe we are, in order to protect ourselves behind beautiful falsehoods. I have ordered a mask to wear during my entrance for the ceremony (see Satiro “Baroque” Mask), and I plan to take it off as a gesture of revealing myself to myself (and everyone else), so that I symbolically push back against Oscar Wilde and (attempt to) speak truthfully as myself.

And that is what this entire 7-year process has been about: Being honest/good/genuine with myself, so that I might one day do the same for someone else (if ever – I am comfortable with the idea of being married to myself without being married to anyone else). I hope to record the ceremony. If I do, it will be edited for the highlights, and then made available online. I’d hope it would connect with people who have a conscious need to affirm themselves, and perhaps awaken that need in others who are (as of yet) unaware of it.

This has been a brutal process. I won’t lie. You have to REALLY get comfortable with knowing all of yourself. But now I’m definitely happy, and finally at peace…

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