The online diary of a gay courtesan.

Part 6 of 13: Clients

Return to “Establishing a Career in Adult Entertainment: Index”

Before we pick up this discussion (which I apologize for delaying so long), I would encourage you to review your responses to what was mentioned in Part 4 of 13: Branding, because the way you present yourself to clients directly affects the clients who present themselves to you. Let me reiterate Devon’s Platinum Rule as well: Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you. You set the tone for how people will interact with you through your advertising, posturing, and styling. Be certain to create something you can maintain.

Clients come in all shapes, sizes, varieties, and types. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that EVERY type of man is a potential client. It doesn’t matter what kind of man you describe, somewhere there are clients who fit that set of traits. Part of what you should do for yourself before you ever start seeing clients is define your personal boundaries, parameters, limitations, preferences, and requirements. If there are certain factors that absolutely must or must not be part of your experience with clients, you should know that and honor it. If you do not, you will make compromises that erode your ability to function as a successful Adult Entertainer, and you will cheat your clients on some level (who may then give you negative reviews). A simple test you can try: Go to an upscale supermarket, grocery store, or shopping venue at its peak hours of traffic. Take a seat and then people watch for an hour. Look at the men wandering past you. These are the men who will call you on your live phone chat, touch you on stage at the club, watch you during your cam sessions, and hire you off your escorting ads. Here they are! Taa-daah! What is your honest response within yourself?

If you cannot tolerate intimate interactions with these people, you should not be an Adult Entertainer. Or at least you should not choose a modality (Part 2 of 13) that requires much contact of any kind. An oversimplified rule of thumb: Given the type of interaction your chosen modality requires, could you perform your work with 90% of the men you have just seen? Could you listen to them on the phone? Could you tolerate their touch? What’s more, can you go beyond tolerance and move into enjoyment? You have to enjoy your work, or you will crumble under the weight of your conscience. Can you seek, welcome, tolerate, and enjoy being intimate with these strangers as they are in the moment when they walk past you in the grocery store? This is how they will come to you, quick showers not withstanding.

Can you handle it?

No one said this work was easy. Naysayers, critics, and ideologues too often control this conversation. But what you need to know, professional to professional, is that this work can be just as difficult as any other. It can also be as personally and financially rewarding as any other. You have to create the career you want, and one of the easiest ways to ensure your success is to accept only those clients who are seeking something you offer.

It really doesn’t matter which modality you select, or how you combine modalities to diversify your career, all clients (for all their variety) are looking for one scenario: Satisfaction. The trick is to understand what will bring an individual to his perception of satisfaction. Clients are not approaching you for judgment, rejection, denigration/abuse (unless within the context of a fetish, and even then it is couched within the notion of satisfaction), or debilitating injuries to their psyches and egos. It is paramount, especially for phone models and escorts, to know upfront in great detail what is expected. You have to know whether or not you can provide an excellent appointment.

The satisfaction gamut is wide. I am not exaggerating when I say that sex is the least important part of most of what Adult Entertainers do. There are so many dimensions within which we function as professionals. We are idols to be worshiped and emulated (and thus role models, as I have already argued); we function as councilors, life coaches, and personal cheerleaders; we offer connection on multiple levels, which is a commodity too quickly dismissed in a puritanical society; and we are immersed within the ongoing conversation society is always having about sexuality, identity, morality, and politics. You will come to understand in time that although your physical appeal may be what first draws clients to you, it is your inner self that will fuel their need to continue investing in you (and thus themselves).

What becomes tricky is when you get into the philosophical conundrum of “Authenticity.” Some clients will approach you with a scenario that you simply cannot guarantee. “I want you to authentically want from me whatever it is that I want from you.” Well… Don’t we all? But that is unfair from the outset. How do you know what you want from me? And how can you expect me to simply give that back to you on command from a position of “authenticity?”

As a purveyor of fantasy I believe it is not only unfair, but foolish, for a client to set that expectation on a particular person. That form of “authenticity” may be the ultimate goal for some clients (but definitely not for most), but the clients who will receive this higher order of connection have to understand that individuals are unique, and that chemistry is complicated. Might you have an instant interpersonal bond that is strong? Yes. Does the issue of the professional relationship undermine that authenticity? If so, why bother approaching me in the first place? Does the exchange of money necessarily undermine or reinforce that which is “authentic?” And how do you know without burning bridges in one direction or another? I am telling you that I create, sell, and maintain fantasies: What could possibly be more authentic than that? And yet it is absolutely true that Adult Entertainers can form very strong, friendly, loving bonds with clients. The issue at hand here is not whether or not a relationship is “authentic,” which is not the word I think clients should use, but whether or not the relationship is happily sustainable in a mutually beneficial manner. “Authentic” relationships are those in which everyone involved is getting what is needed from the interaction. I have clients who I consider friends. I have clients whom I love. Yes, it can happen, but you’re a fool to guarantee it to your clients when they ask for it prematurely. The only way you can know if this will happen with someone who wants it is to try over time to see how you connect as individuals.

As in “real life,” so it is in “fantasy land:” Sometimes you connect deeply, and sometimes you… well… just don’t. And that’s okay, too! Sometimes the most “authentic” interaction you can offer someone is the simple, superficial scenario that feeds their lower levels of satisfaction. You cannot fall in love with everyone, so don’t bother pretending. Offer only what you have to give (which will vary with time, place, scenario, circumstance, and present company).

Remember that every man walking down the street is a potential client. When I say that I don’t mean that every individual man will interact with Adult Entertainers. What I mean is that he represents someone who might. Can you give this man what he needs? Are you willing to try? How will you find out what will give him satisfaction? And what does any of this have to do with authenticity?

2 comments

1 Michael Australia { 07.16.11 at 11:21 pm }

Devon well written but before I comment today I found out

JANET JACKSON IS COMING TO PLAY HERE :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) so happy have seen her twice but not since 1998, and I read today about her issues. Its going to be a very expensive ticket but I can’t wait until November.

Anyway back to your comments writing as a client why I can’t be bothered with paying anyone now, remembering I am talking from an Australian perspective with talking to an escort recently but also from my experience with the poor attitudes and presentation I have encountered.

Clients are not approaching you for judgment, rejection, denigration/abuse –

Devon, sorry, but here they do. Again I get back to the Australia context, but take for example the last two guys I paid. Here, unlike in the USA and UK mostly, you can’t put i’ll let you do X or Y. With massage it is full body which means more. But just the contempt with which these young guys treat you for being older, overweight etc. One when I moved my hand towards him shuddered. The other could not even get hard. That to me is abuse and contempt.

However second point.

Why can’t the escort be upfront when you turn up and turn you away if they don’t like how you look or what you want to do? Its the same with cultural issues, if I want a causcian male and not someone from another land why is that wrong? Its like why should I give money to someone I don’t feel attracted to.

Its a minefield here, I just feel you should be able to state when you meet them look I wanted X and Y and I’m this way and so are you and if it is not what either party wants walk away without exchanging money. To me that’s fair but maybe I am wrong. To me the person I pay for should not close their eyes and think of the beautiful place because they feel sick at the site of you; they should say I can’t do this you are not my type and let the client move on to someone who will.

Thanks for the tips I will pass them on to the Australians I know who do this work because they need to change their attitude.

2 CJC { 04.29.14 at 11:00 pm }

Your 13 Steps has become my go to “Escort Bible” and I’ve had to re-read things.

Michael Australia said,

“Why can’t the escort be upfront when you turn up and turn you away if they don’t like how you look or what you want to do? [with Devon’s gracious email it helps clarify things for the client and courtesan]”

Devon have you ever had a client that you found so unattractive you ended up having to turn them down? If someone looks like my father, I’m sorry it’s just not going to happen lol.

I didn’t think of this before, until I read Michael’s post, but escorts aren’t just “sex for pay machines” they obviously have their own tastes. On apps it’s evident people have racial or body preferences; I assume escorts are more accepting?

P.S. Escorting is so not like Pretty Woman or The Wedding Date!

Also I didn’t realize I had things in common with a “porn star” (I never heard of you before, until someone directed me to your site).

My grandparents house is where I felt safe and warm — it was my home away from “home” growing up. When my grandparent passed on, family members argued and holidays haven’t been the same since.

On another note I have a binder where I wanted to create a 100% self sufficient house — I guess it’s kind of like your off the grid idea.

I didn’t realize you had body issues and I also didn’t realize your age. If I have your body when I’m in my late 30’s, I’d be very happy! You’re more than just a body or image; I think the sensitive and intelligent man that wrote this blog demonstrates that fact.

I hope this doesn’t come out the wrong way. When someone told me about your blog and I saw your picture on the home page, I thought you looked a little creepy with the purple space background and interesting eye color — I swore you were going to be a scientologist (Wiccan is fine by me, but those scientologists creep me out!). After reading several of your blog entries I find you really beautiful (inside and out). Don’t let your body determine your happiness, just be healthy! I also like intermittent fasting — mainly because I focus better without eating solid meals until dinner time. Eating puts your body in rest and digest mode (parasympathetic nervous system).

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