Will you marry me?

(If I have set it up properly, this post will not be published until 12/21/2010 at 3:14 am. This is a very important moment for me, and I hope it goes off without a hitch…)

It has been the Winter Solstice for 3 hours and 14 minutes: HAPPY YULE!

It is the first day of winter: The season for rest, introspection, and planning. Tonight will be the longest night of the year, but winter also promises eventual light and warmth; however, today, at this moment, isn’t “just” Yule. Now is also the moment of the full moon. But, even more significant, there is a total lunar eclipse today at this moment, too! This is the first time this has happened since Yule, 1638!

Yule is the season of self examination. The full moon is a symbol of complete empowerment. Eclipses remind us of rebirth. Today holds a cosmic call to put all this together into one meditation: Knowing oneself allows a person to become a powerful newborn.

Yes! Today is the day to formally announce it: I am engaged to be married!

To myself.

I have asked me to marry me, and (after a year to consider it carefully) I have accepted my proposal to myself. I had to get to know myself for a year, because I didn’t want to freak out and reject myself.

Joking aside, this isn’t a cynical ploy to scorn others’ relationships or marriages. I’m not doing this to warden myself off from sex or future relationships with others. I am not doing this to please, anger, gratify, or perplex anyone. I have placed a diamond band on my finger (a solitaire will follow in 2012 [Edit: You can see and read about it here]); I plan to court myself; I will take solemn vows before a spiritual mentor (as well as family and friends) to love, honor, and cherish myself; and I will take myself on a honeymoon.

I do all this for a very practical reason: I have chosen my boyfriends very poorly. I had no ability to be successful in a relationship. I gave until my integrated wellness was bankrupt.

I have been single for over four years, and I am VERY happy. But I also recognize that I will eventually need to relax my guard… And since rituals soothe and calm me, I have decided to recreate my reemergence into a formal process of training myself to value me properly, so I can then value another properly.

By going through this structured ritual of falling in love with myself, testifying before witnesses to honor myself, and beginning a new life as a person empowered to command respect, I am forcing myself to abide by the vows I will make. If, in front of people, I promise to take care of myself, then I must do it, or be a liar. I empower everyone who sees my marriage (live or via YouTube) on June 29, 2012 to rebuke me if I break my vows. Since I have not honored myself on my own, I am putting it outside of myself, so that I have to honor myself as a function of maintaining my word of honor before others.

In 18 months, just after the Summer Solstice, I will marry myself. By that time I will be free of debt. I will have more personal stability than ever before. I will have been single for nearly six years, and will have had the necessary distance from all my past relationships. I will be ready to try again. From beginning on the longest night I will finish on the longest day.

I do not regret taking this time to myself to be single. I luxuriate in being utterly myself on my own terms, without making compromises. I have needed that. This has been an incubation period: When I come back from my honeymoon, I will not immediately hatch as someone’s boyfriend. But I will return open to the idea of trying.

I am not becoming a monk or eunuch. I will begin to include others to a degree that I have avoided since 2006. In marrying me, I will be ready to marry someone else.

Join the Conversation


  1. Takin’ a break from the eclipse…It’s FUCKING COLD OUT THERE!!! So…Congratulations you’ll make such a beautiful couple!! 😉 I think I missed something(maybe ’cause I’m FUCKING FROZEN) but why 2012 and not 2011??? OK warmed up…Back outside!!

    1. I need the time to finish arranging my finances, my life, the ceremony itself, and time to back out if I change my mind… lol COLD FEET on a COLD NIGHT! 😉

  2. Oh fer Christ sake…Here I am out in my backyard braving 18 degree wind chill to watch something so historic…so profound…so deeply moving, and what thoughts are running through my head?? The cosmos? Nature? Eternity? Mortality?
    NNNOOO-OH! I’m thinkin’:
    OMG, what’s he gonna’ wear?? A suit? ‘Bet he’s hot in a suit! ‘Think he’ll have a beard! That beard’s so hot! ‘Hope he has that beard! Which one’s tyin’ the knot? Hey, how come I see the shortest day?? Damn, do I need therapy? Ritalin anyone??

    1. Well, to answer your question: I’m going to have a tuxedo tailor made for the occasion, and I have not decided on the beard, but I am leaning toward keeping it. A certified Wiccan high priest will officiate, and he has already started researching how to create a meaningful ceremony. Also, 2012 I turn 36, which is a number of great significance on many levels, so the symbolism is multifaceted and inspiring. and there’s nothing wrong in seeing the shortest day, rather than the longest night, but be careful not to equate shortest day with least opportunity (you need rest!). 🙂

  3. I’m glad. I’d totally marry you though, haha. Not just going on the fact that you are ABSOLUTELY gorgeous, also taking into account that I don’t know you personally haha, but you seem like a genuinely GOOD person…and those are hard to come by. It’s a shame that I’m saying that and I’m only 20 hehehe. But in my short (?) 20 years of life, I have been screwed over by people one too many times…so I understand.

    I applaud you for making that commitment to yourself and I’ll be there in spirit 🙂 You two will make such a handsome couple! 😀

    1. Thank you, AJ! It’s not a shame that at 20 you are realizing that many people do not have your best interests at heart: It’s a mark of maturity; however, to balance that (and avoid bitterness like what I have experienced in the past) you can always come back to Devon’s Platinum Rule… Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you. I do this publicly in order to cement that expectation into place: I am looking after myself, not to be selfish, but to be ready one day to be safely selfless! I wish you joy xo

  4. OMG Devon you have affirmed something I have been thinking about and doing. Marrying the self!

    I just hope I can reach the distance I need from everything to start again. Thanks for the great post.

  5. Friend. I can’t believe how time has come and gone. Those struggles are far behind you now, and I am so glad to see you finally envisioning the possibility of reaching out again. I am so happy for you, and happy to see where how this molds your future. I know we haven’t been in contact all too much lately, but I am here for you, and support you. And I expect an invitation. 🙂

  6. I always have a look at follow up comments and the part where James writes about struggles being far behind you is very inspirational, and I can sort of feel this is coming towards me that the time for moving to whatever is approaching a bit faster.

  7. I can’t wait for the big day! I’ve been reading your blog off and on for a while now and your intelligence and outlook on life has been inspirational. Congrats. I will follow this with interest.

  8. I am enlightened by your intellectual insight. Recently, I watched the series everything you wanted know about porn stars and I came away with the idea that they are all unfortunate souls responding to social ills. Your insight offers a sobering look at a misunderstood profession. I wish you luck with you search and journey. I support your vows and will watch for your success.

  9. What an insightful perspective you have. Refreshing that you have taken the time to focus on navigating yourself prior to navigating a relationship. If we all did the same, relationships wouldn’t be as toxic as they often are. What is the update with your personal life?

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