Okay, at Swinging Richards in Atlanta we dance buck-nekkid-n-faymoose. There is a common concern amongst the dancers: Between dancing, stage fright, air conditioning/cold weather you can look like a 3-year-old on stage in a hot (cold?) minute. It’s illegal for us (or anyone else) to touch our penises once we’re naked, so there’s all sorts of disguised “preparation” happening on stage just before the pants come off. It’s pretty funny… kinda. Ahem.
Anyway, in my bid to look more like an 8-year-old (or perhaps even an 11-year-old, with any luck!) I decided yesterday to buy my first dick pump. They supposedly give you a “soft erection,” so that without being hard you look more impressive soft for a while after the application of pressure. This also is supposed to make tying off (a topic concerning a practice that is illegal in some states that I’ll address more another time) a moot point, and should also remove any need to take horny goat weed or erectile dysfunction tablets.
My first dick pump… What a horrible device!
Okay, so the damn thing doesn’t come with instructions (shut up! I KNOW it should be obvious, but once it was out of the box it really wasn’t…). At any rate, if the purpose of the thing is to give you an erection, then it presupposes that you don’t have one when you’re trying to stick yourself into the end of the stupid contraption. So, here I am with a limp dick in my hand, trying to shove it into the tiny hole of this barbaric vacuum cleaner. A lightbulb went off: With the tip of my penis pressed against the entrance, I gave the pump a squeeze.
OH, MY SWEET BABY JESUS!!! It slurped my poor winky up inside itself like one of those horrifying angler fish suddenly sucking a little sea worm into it’s monstrous mouth. I shrieked like a little girl, I must admit.
Anyway, I’m in the thing, but crooked with the tip of my penis pressed against the edge, looking rather like a frightened animal pressing its face desparately against the window of a car. This pressure against the tube made the tip of my penis drag slightly, and my pee hole got pulled open and stuck to the inside – kinda like when you lick a cold piece of metal. Well, with the suction in place I couldn’t get myself out. Really, I tried. I almost yanked Charlie (for lack of a better name, I’ll just improvise that one) right off!
So, only option: A second pump. Well that succeeded in getting my pee hole off the side of the hyperberic chamber, but it applied a surprising increase in pressue. What the hell is supposed to be pleasurable about this nonsense????! Okay, so I wasn’t really getting hard, I just felt an unpleasant squeezing. So, a third and a fourth pump.
Finally, I’m getting a hardon, but it could very well be the single most horrible erection of my life. After counting to twenty I’d had enough. I couldn’t find the release valve at first, and I started to panic. I almost yanked Charlie off a few more times – where’s the velcro when you need it??? Finally I found the release, and instantly all the pressure went away. I still couldn’t get out.
Whoever designed this stupid fucking thing put a latex insertion cover on it. That means I was trying to pull my ultra sensative skin across nonlubricated, skin-tight clinging rubber. Okay. I was starting to panic again. It was like trying to pull a mouse back out of a snake after the little fella is already 2/3 of the way down the reptile’s throat. Not pretty.
I finally developed a coordination of pressing the release valve while reverse feeding myself out of the syringe of death. Of course the artificial erection was completely ruined by this point; however, I did hang a bit lower for about 10 minutes once I performed my Houdini trick… It was so not worth the effort. (More to come soon… Part 2)