False alarms: Matt’s approval
by Devon on Nov.18, 2008, under Appearance, Identity, Positivity
Wow. I feel rather stupid. I’d made myself absolutely sick with worry about going back to Swinging Richards. I was convinced I was going to show up only to be told I couldn’t work. I really do need to calm down. Not only did Matt address the fat issue that I’ve mentioned in another blog, he complimented me several times each night I danced this week. He calls me “Little Devon” and “Baby” now. He also said, “It’s nice to have you back.” I’m just like… whoa. I don’t know why I needed his approval so badly, but it looks like I’ve definitely gotten it. It’s not healthy to need someone’s affirmation, but people who say they don’t need that at all are probably lying. I feel… good.
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November 18th, 2008 on 4:10 pm
You definitely don’t need anyone’s approval. That being said, you are absolutely fantastic and one of the hottest guys around. You are not only buff and gorgeous, but you are an awesome person and you should never forget that my friend.
November 18th, 2008 on 4:42 pm
I agree that it is good to get compliments. But considering your past life experiences I would be concerned that a less than effusive response would set you back. Glad it went well though (I hope you like the term “baby” better than I do).
November 18th, 2008 on 6:54 pm
thank you joe and jonathan… i think what is worrisome is that i’m completely unbalanced: i need NO ONE’s approval of my choreography or writing. in those areas i’m confident enough to create what i want and seek constructive criticism to make it even better. but in terms of self-esteem regarding my physical appearance i’m fragile as an egg. ugh! well, everyone has their trials and challenges – that just happens to be mine (which makes it odd that i’d pursue a line of work that compensates me based on external appearances… perhaps it’s my way of applying pressure to myself to not settle?). anyway, thank you for your comments.
November 19th, 2008 on 4:30 am
I wouldn’t worry too much about the need for compliments/approval – it’s a performer thing. My partner is a singer/actor and constantly needs affirmation in everything he does. He says that most performers have problems with self-esteem (I know seems silly them having the balls to get up on stage) and need compliments more than non performers. You’re just like that I guess.
Keep up the good work, I’m enjoying the blog.
Loz
November 19th, 2008 on 7:33 am
I think it’s more “wanting” the affirmation of effort – the work and effort put in and thinking/wanting some one to notice and compliment the accomplishment (whether it in your job, trying something new, your body, your hair, your looks, your house)….
And when the opposite occurs, it either goes completely unnoticed or worse you get the opposite response, it leaves us with mixed emotions of frustration, insecurity (maybe it’s -I’m- not what or at the level [of accomplishment] I thought), and possibly anger is tossed in to that mix as well!
You work hard to be and “look” physically fit and the only comment you get is, “you look like you’ve gained a few pounds, or you’re too skinny, or I think you’re too big”.
It sucks, it deflates your ego and moreso your effort.
Most of us have had similar things said to us and it just leaves you with the “why would you say that, do I look this way, does every one see me this way, do I think I look better than I do, etc..”
And we never want to return to that moment or place yourself in that position again – so I can completely understand where you are coming from. It makes you completely question yourself.
One we have to remember some people say these things out of jealousy, some out of spite and sometimes because they recoginize our insecurity at that moment or on that “bad” day where we are questioning how we look ourselves and they just comment on that.
I remember in my late 20′s I had put on a few pounds (literally, just a few) and I had gone to visit my grandmother, she met me at the door and patted my cheeks and said, “hey handsome boy, I see your putting your winter coat on”… That sat with me for days and I felt like the half-ton man.
Your confidence won this guy over, when we walk with confidence it radiates and pulls it all together. You feel you’re a lil fat and people sense it, you feel you’re looking good and people stop and check you out.
Good for you, you went back, walked in confident, and Matt (Swinging Richard) was knocked over.
Rock On!