The online diary of a gay courtesan.

I am fucking fabulous!

I am fucking fabulous!

People can say whatever else they want about me, but one trait should outshine all of them: I am resilient. I don’t understand how or why I attract the type of Mongolian cluster fucks that are magnetized to my presence, but I have been given the gift of survival. I find a way. Therein lies the balance, I suppose.

Because of complications with money that began when I went to Biltmore a few weeks ago for a vacation, rather than do the third Sean Cody movie when it was offered to me, I am under some extreme financial strain. In retrospect I should not have taken that particular weekend off with that particular person. The trip has definitely not proven to be worth the loss of thousands of dollars. The views of nature were pretty, and I had a good time, but now I find myself wishing I’d just gone to San Diego when they asked me to. The positive: I have remembered why it’s important to look out for practical needs before fantasies. I’m not bitter. Sour perhaps, but not bitter. I’ll be sweet again in time. (Please remember honesty and communication in your interactions with others.)

Also, this weekend we’d booked 14 models for a project to have only three show up. Some fast proactive thinking on my part saved the photoshoots, but the stress wasn’t needed. But this too ends happily: We got pictures of eight models, and the diversity is very nice.

Oh, I have made a decision: I will never dance at Secrets again. I will keep going to D.C., but not to be at that club. I have peeps in the capital city, but Secrets will never exploit me again. So, there’s another happy conclusion.

However, one issue that has come up in addition to the rest: My car won’t start. I got back from an intensely overwhelming trip to D.C. to find that the battery in my car had died completely while I was gone for four days. When we pulled it out it was obvious that it was the original manufacturer’s part: My battery was eleven year old! Impressive, but going dead when I needed to get to Atlanta was extremely unhelpful. It was 8:45 on a Sunday night. I was lucky to find an Adanced Auto that was open until 11:00 pm. Replacing the battery caused an arc of electricity, and the fuses blew. They couldn’t be taken out without special tools. It was 10 o’clock at night, a thunderstorm was blowing in, we’re replacing parts to my car in the dark, and I need to get to Atlanta by 1:00 in the morning. Not happening… At least not with my car…

But this is where the deal gets sealed: I know I am fucking fabulous, because of the people who surround me. I know some total angels. If I weren’t amazing I wouldn’t be loved by amazing people. “Show me a man’s friends, and I’ll tell you his character.” Mhm. I must be pretty fucking fabulous, since the people I know are absolutely incredible.

My family and friends encourage me and help me. My roommate, her boyfriend, and my nextdoor neighbor are going to get my car running while I’m gone (or at least try to). My roommate took me to Amtrak at 1:00 am, so I could take a train to Atlanta. I’m travelling in Florida with two guys who are wonderful people. My collaborators at home and in D.C. inspire me with their generosity and faith in me. What else is there to say? How could I ever doubt that I am loved? The proof is in the pudding:

I. Am. Fucking. Fabulous.

(Update, 7/20/13: The content of this entry form the basis for “Revelation 13:7” in the collection “The Gospel According to Anteros.”)

5 comments

1 Keith Bailey { 07.28.09 at 5:07 pm }

Yes Devon, you are Fucking Fabulous, but then I’ve been telling you that for a while. Glad to see you are coming around. 🙂 Fact is it’s your good heart that makes you so FF not the way you look. Take the looks away and you would still be loved by those who really count. For all things there is a season my friend. Ours is coming. 🙂 I have that old magic feeling again, and it has never failed me in the past.

2 Jennifer { 07.29.09 at 7:54 pm }

I read this blog and immediately thought of a song I bet you’d love: Don’t Give Up. Peter Gabriel featuring Kate Bush. Most of it is too maudlin for the mood of triumph- in-spite-of that you’re in (go baby boy go!), but this chorus fits:

Dont give up
Cos you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not beaten yet
Dont give up
I know you can make it good

🙂

3 Silver Lining { 07.30.09 at 12:36 pm }

Wow, I really needed to read that.

I was dismissed from grad school because I was suffering from anorexia/bulimia and I couldn’t keep up with my grades. The school left me over $30,000 in debt despite only being there for 1 semester. I made a huge mistake about handling my mental health and now I live with my family, working and paying off loans and applying to schools far far away from my family. Despite living in midweast USA, my family believes in honor killings and do not condone interaction with “infidels” so my social life is nill.

Yesterday, I got off work a little early and went to a vintage store and bought a cute $3 shirt. I looked amazing in it.

I have a job, food on the table, and a roof over my head. It might be difficult, but as cliche as it sounds, what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger.

I am fabulous.

4 Devon { 07.30.09 at 1:50 pm }

silver, my dear, you are fucking fabulous. xoxoxo

5 Tom the Canuck { 07.31.09 at 1:45 am }

Yes, you are Fucking Fabulous! That’s why you have true friends you can depend on. That’s you have an internet community who follow your blog. You are so in touch with who you are and want to be(even the difficult parts)! That speaks to me of honesty and inspiration. Forget the freaks! They’ll always be around of course, but they’re just stale air and dust. Brush them off like a pesky piece of lint on a dark blazer. Your family, friends and fans know the real you they can’t understand, the real you that’s Fucking Fabulous!

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